Should he marry the other woman? How do I advise my brother?

Question

Shock - Bro just confided in me he has been having affair. They are similar age/similar interests (not a younger woman). Said he was attracted to OW for years but didn't know her well. I asked why the hell did he do it & he said he thought his marriage was foolproof, ie: he was happy with my sister-in-law. It was just for the s*x & OW thought same (would never consider a divorced man). I know he loves SIL but they are a bit different to each other/don't share as many interests. Bro has 2 kids (2 & 6yr boys) & I know he enjoys fatherhood/family life. He says having kids affected their relationship & that when affair started to become serious he tried to get out of it but couldn't stop. He told SIL he wasn't happy so they could try and fix but now he thinks OW is the one for him. He says even if he could fix with SIL, he might always think of OW as'the one'. OW ok with taking on my nephews& says will end it if he doesn't decide soon. I haven't met her but all sounds genuine. Help!

Answer 1

It won't work with OW. When he and SIL had kids, they (like everyone else) changed. She started focusing on the kids and he missed her focusing on him. This happens to all couples. The couples who make it through the first 5 yrs of kids make a huge effort to reconnect. He started dating OW instead of his wife. And that's what it takes...a courtship and dating to learn who this new person is. OW makes him feel everything he felt when he fell in love with your SIL and more because he's grown and knows more about life now, including how to feel it deeper. If he made the effort with SIL, he could have had that her. If he is going to make his marriage work, he can't have any contact with OW and he needs to go to counseling (individually and with SIL). He needs to think of his kids. Even staying involved and having OW involved with the kids, this will mess them up. It will alter their lives forever and frankly it's selfish of him. He needs to make a commitment to the commitment he ALREADY made and make it work. It was "til death do us part", not "til OW sweeps me off my feet". And OW will not trust him down the line. I've seen this over and over. She'll always wonder. He can't win with her in the long run and his kids will be short-changed. Tell him to keep his affair to himself (he should live with his guilt, don't dump it on SIL to deal with if he really intends to change-I know this firsthand). Tell him to start dating his WIFE!

Answer 2

tell your brother to think carefully, if he is not happy in his marriage the best thing to do is to find out why and if it is possible to fix it and to do this he has to talk with his wife and let her know what he would like to change in their marriage. If he realizes that there is not way to fix things then he should divorce and first take some time alone before jumping into another serious relationship, besides if he wants to start a new life with this other girl he has to be sure of what this woman wants for their future ( kids, a specific life style, etc). Having an affair could be exciting for some people, everything is so perfect, they may feel they are soul mates and all that but ones it becomes official, they move together, after some years , maybe 2 or 3 or who knows even sooner all that fire will be gone. Real life is more about being responsible, realistic, finding happiness with and making happy to the person who is sharing her or his life with you.

Answer 3

Every Rose has it's Thorn, the OW is a crutch and likely he only thinks she's the one because of the emotional stress and lack of affection for SIL. As for the lack of interests they should do more together and still do things the other isn't interested in, just be happy that they are with the other person(wife&husband). If the OW is messing with a married man whats stopping her from cheating if THEY get married? Tell your brother to think about the possibilities of infidelity with the woman he cheated with, never a good idea to marry the OW. There are always ups and downs in marriage and sometimes you marry on impulse that lasats awhile and is mistaken for love, maybe if they took a break and seperated he could live with his mistress for awhile and if he doesn't get home sick for his wife he should knwo what to do then. Good Luck and thank you for standing up and saying something without ruining a family!

Answer 4

So tough. He'll have to be in a situation where he might lose sil before he'll realize if he does love her. Sadly, ow only wants him as a tropy. Even if he leave sil, ow will always have suspicion and jealousy for knowing what he did (once he and ow are married). Maybe he needs a vacation with sil to get reunited or maybe he needs a punch in the face.

Answer 5

The longer this goes on the more people will get hurt. You need to advise him that if he is that unhappy with his wife, ending the affair with the OW will not fix his marriage. It is not his affair that broke his marriage it must have been broken before, otherwise he would have never looked elsewhere.



If I were his wife I would want him to leave and make a go of it with his mistress, as I would know that if he has done it to me once he'd do it again. The boys need stability and I fear they will not get this if he refuses to be honest.

Answer 6

The best solution is to quit the affair and quit making excuses that he can't, and be faithful to his wife and kids.



Is he ready to get with the other woman and not see his kids every day? Is he ready to see the pain on the kids face when he has to leave them behind and go to a separate home? Is he ready to lose his soul over these actions? He is already an adulterer, a liar, who has cheated on his wife so he can't be trusted. I would not call him the responsible one if he acts like this and only thinks of himself.



Your brother took vows to be faithful to his wife and he has messed that up big time by not keeping his word. He is dishonest and he is not responsible or he wouldn't do things like this.



Even if he and his wife have different interests, they can still compromise and learn to work together as a family so the boys have a loving, stable home. They both need to be giving 100% of themselves to their marriage to make it work. He has become selfish and is only thinking of what he wants, not what is best for his kids and that is, IMHO, despicable. They are innocent and do not deserve this.



Sorry I'm so blunt but things like this just get under my skin because too many kids have had to suffer like this because one or both parents only thought of themselves. Then why do they have kids if they aren't prepared to work on their marriage and make it the best they can?



Mark 10:11

And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.

(even though he has already committed adultery, he is making worse if he divorces and remarries when he has not right to do so)



Luke 16:18

Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.



Luke 13:5

I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.

(which means he would have to give up OW completely with no contact of any kind or forgiveness won't be given)



Eph 5:25 & 33

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her



33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself

Answer 7

Advise him to grow up, act like a man, and stay single.



He is NOT the kind of man most women would want. Too damaged, a cheater, liar, and bad example for the children.

Answer 8

He should stop fooling around and be a man... he is gonna hurt a lot of people anyways... so he may as well do it soon... it seems he has chosen the lover over his family already...

Answer 9

don't let the weight of this decision rest on your shoulders...tell him he needs to decide for himself and that you'll be there to support him no matter what he decides.