I need a little help from anyone willing give advice. I have two babies and I need my husband to help me more.

Question

I need a little help from anyone that will give advice. We live in Germany, husband is in the army. Me and my husband have been married three years and we have two boys. Our oldest is one year, 3 months old and our second is two months. They are a hand full and I have very little help for my husband and my family just wants money from us. I just want my husband to help more without me asking him too. I talk to him at night when the babies our in bed. We don’t fight in front of the babies. But, he says he’ll try and the next day he forgets what I asked. When we fight he does say one word and when I ask him to till me what’s on his mind he says “ouhno”. If anyone can help me find a way to get my husband to help out more please let me know.

Answer 1

If you mean that you need more help around the house you can: 1) Hire help, 2) Get a friend group going where you babysit each other's kids on a rotating schedule so you can get more work done without interruption. 3) Work out a chore chart that he can look at when he comes home and get done without "being told".



If you mean that you need more help with the babies, he's at work all day and probably pretty tired when he gets home. So you can: 1) Work out a night "off" for you where you get out of the house with a girlfriend, or a date with him on a regular basis. 2) Hire a "mother's helper" usually an older child who works CHEAP but will play with the children and give you a break. 3) find a mother's day out program at a local church, often free, usually very cheap if not free. 4) Join a M.O.P.s or M.O.M.s group.

I realize that you are in Germany living on base? Well- they usually have a LOT of support for young families, older wives mentoring the younger ones. Ask for help, try to find help that doesn't include asking someone who has just worked a demanding, difficult job for 10 hours to step up and do more work at home.

IF you can find help for what you need that doesn't include him- then the two of you will have more time to ENJOY EACH OTHER. Which eventually, will reduce your need for his help... because you'll feel loved, cherished, appreciated, and respected.

Nagging him to do more for you, when he's probably feeling like he's doing enough, can only hurt the relationship.

PLEASE DO reach out for help among the community, friends, and moms groups. You can do it!! It IS overwhelming having two children so close in age, so far from home.

When you say, "I just want my husband to help without me having to ask him" it really tells me that you want his love and attention. You need to feel like a "WIFE" again sometimes instead of just a housecleaning, breastfeeding, taking care of house and children drone all of the time. Does that sound accurate? Would you care who did the dishes after dinner if he came home, swept you up into a big hug and passionate kiss, and looked right into your eyes and asked you how your day was?

. . .

I didn't think so. ;-}

Answer 2

There isn't too many men out there, that just help without being asked. It doesn't take much effort for you to speak up and ask. He tells you he doesn't know when you two fight, because he's scared to say anything to you.

I have four kids, and my husband is in the military and gone a lot, so all the responsibility is on me. I feel lucky to be able to stay home with my children. So, I think you should quit expecting him to help you all of the time, and figure out how to use your time wisely, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Make sure the kitchen is clean and the laundry is done, the babies are cleaned and fed. Get a nap in during the day, with the kids.

Answer 3

You are in a hard position. Your husband is in the wrong by not helping you, and his responses like "I don't know" as opposed giving you a real answer, and not helping when he says he will, are just passive aggressive behavior. How can you change him aside from telling him how you feel? I am not sure you can. I think this has to come from him. I will tell you what I would do though. I would just give up trying to change him, and go on with your life. Fill your schedule with things to do outside the home with the babies. Make plans to do things with friends on the weekends. Find some time for yourself in the evenings, like take a class. Perhaps when he sees that your life will go on without him, and your babies will be taken care of without him, he'll feel like he's missing out and come around.

Answer 4

Here is where you go wrong. You can not have him help you without asking him. Forget about that for the rest of your married life right now!



The only way you will be successful at having him help you is if you identify specifically what you need help with, when and how.



Example: 3 nights a week he does the dishes after diner. Doing the dishes includes wiping counter tops, stove top and taking out the garbage.



You have to be this specific if you want him to help you, this is how men are made. You'll see, he will be glad to help you when he knows how.

Answer 5

Good luck! I have 3 kids ages 6, 3, and 2. My youngest two are13 months apart. My husband works long hours, and to be honest doesn't help out much. People always say to me "oh, you have your hands full", because it is like having twins.

I am sure you are feeling quite overwhelmed.

It DOES get easier! Especially when they get to a point where they can both walk, talk, feed themselves, etc, and that's when it starts to get fun. My youngest two kids right now are best friends, they play together all day long, are learning about "sharing" together, etc.

Try seeing if you can get him to stay with the kids for even an hour while you run to the store and maybe he will see how much work they are...

Answer 6

Yep, like has been suggested, this is this way of undertaking the place medicade is offered in obtainable. you will possibly be able to ought to call a community planned Parenthood or Social centers place of work to verify the place you may get help and care from. there's a application called PCAP (Prenatal Care suggestions Plan, or something like that). that could conceal prenatal and maternity care in case you slot into the earnings bracket. different than that, decrease out something you in all danger can. in case you have 2 automobiles and could make it artwork by some ability with one, take one off the line, for somewhat besides, notwithstanding it somewhat is beneficial to maintain it so while your hubby gets a activity back he could have some transportation on a whim. If the infants ask, purely say you do no longer choose it top now, so which you took it off the line to save somewhat money. this is okay to be effortless with them, purely no longer so effortless as to scare them. Plan your food, do no longer consume out, do away with cable or satellite tv for pc television, notwithstanding you do no longer actual choose, purely be sure you have some video clips or DVD’s of your infants favorites, they'll alter and on no account omit the television (we nonetheless have not got television, and that i like it, not greater zombies!). bear in techniques your husband could be feeling badly too, so once you confer with him, try oh so no longer elementary to stay calm (i understand how those being pregnant hormones could be). If he can get unemployment, which will help a lot. No it would possibly no longer conceal each little thing, notwithstanding it somewhat is a stable start up. Then artwork from there, one step at a time. Make your cuts the place you are able to, use coupons, and if this is nonetheless no longer including up, choose for the WIC and Medicade (you have been the two working so which you have the two paid into it besides). this is non everlasting, this is all. you will get via. stable success. i'm hoping he gets his unemployment to pass via quickly, after which unearths a greater helpful activity he loves and that helps him to get domicile at an honest hour that may assist you at the same time as he nonetheless gets paid properly. (perhaps self-employment is an option to evaluate too, this is not elementary getting started, yet then you definately are your guy or woman boss).

Answer 7

hi there, well i m a mother of a baby girl who would be turning 2years old next month and i know exactly what u are going thru. But rest assured that men dont do all this purposely. Actually they need to be told what is expected from them and when. same was the case with me when my daughter was younger. since my hubby wud go to office, evening was the only time we cud spend together and that too he preffered spending with his laptop saying the work was urgent. Wer too had fights over sharing responsibilities as i needed a break too, but probably it landed on deaf ears. but gradually as our daughter started growing up and responding to things, he realized that she needed his undevided attention. She wanted to tell him(ofcourse in her baby language) abt the activities in the day and wud try all sorts of things to grab his attention. He also realised that she was more eager to learn rhymes or names of body parts from him coz her interest in the mother was less as she saw me around the whole day..Initially she was more attached to me but her attachment to her father increased as he strted giving more time to her and us..



U too can start by asking your husband to give a lil time to the elder one initially. Ask him to begin with whatever he is good at, for ex if he is really patient he can help to feed the baby as they fuss a lot abt meals with their mothers. Or he can play some games with the elder one, or take him out for a stroll so u can finish some work. He can also read a bedtime story so u can laullaby the lil one. i m sure things will change for the better.. jus keep trying with love and patience..

cheers!

Answer 8

Men are programmed differently. Don't assume he will know what you want him to do, you'll have to give him specifics (nicely). You might try handing him the baby, stating the baby's current needs, and explain that while he is doing that task, you will be doing "?" with the toddler and vise versa. You might try reading the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venius". It is helpful to understand the difference in the ways the male/female brains work. I just realized you probably don't even have time to read! SORRY!

Maybe you should tell him he will have to deal with the kids while you take a long bath and read your book. :) :)

Answer 9

Trust me....i've been married to my best friend for over 30 years,and he comes from the old country-women take care of the house and kids,men work and come home. It took a LOOOOONG time to get him to really pitch in and help.I finally realized that,unless you ask for his help each and every time you need it,you can forget about his volunteering.So,speak up when you want help,and don't wait for him to offer to help or to remember a conversation from the previous evening.Be specific and consistent.He'll get the idea after a while,so be patient-but firm.

Answer 10

A 3 month old and a 2 month old, this is impossible unless you adopted. Him not helping in the raising of the children will show you just how involved his father was in his own rearing....which is apparently not much. Unfortunately, your husband at this point is going to want to be different than his own father, and do more for his own children. You cannot force this man to be the man he should be, it is something that he is going to have to want to do for himself,and his children.

Answer 11

Well do this it might help. HAve a talk with him againa nd if he forgets again just tell him, help me more or you will be cut off. And tell your family and his to get a job and don't send them anything. Also need to relize that yoru husband doesn't need so much stress if he's on duty that needs a clear mind. So ahve a talk with him and go from there

Answer 12

I know what its like to have no help with two babies so close in age. It does get very hard and you feel so overwhelmed and think that your husband should be able to tell you are at your whits end. But they don't. What I have learned is that you can talk until you are blue in the face and they still seem to not have taken in what you have said to them. With your kids being so little and needing their mommy all the time men feel like they don't need to step in. But that isn't the case. I have said here take her and I'll take the other and if we get to stressed out we'll switch. The kids have to get use to how their daddy does things to. Before you get to your limit just give the baby to your husband and say feed the baby while I play or do whatever with the older one. My husband found that it was easier to have the baby than the older child because he could still relax and watch tv with her. Now he has to get up and play with them but he enjoys because he is starting to realize what they like and don't like you to do. You can't wait for them to realize that you need help. Men don't think that way. You just have to throw them in and hope they don't sink before they learn to swim. Parenting requires both parents to be apart of it. And you will just have to say here take the baby or watch the kids I have an errand to run. But make sure that you do tell your husband that you apprecitate them helping when they do even if they have worked all day and are exhausted. It helps them see that you know they work hard and they get a feel of how hard you work when it comes to the kids. You just really have to say do this or do that. After awhile he might be able to see when you need help before it get too much for you. But you just got to tell him what help you need from him at the time. Because they don't understand when you say things like can't you just help me out. You have to be specific like feed them, give him a bath, or anything like that. When your trying to do something for one child and he is home and the other child needs something ask nicely for him to do it. You have to be nice about it at first so he doesn't think your snapping at him or something. And when you two have you time after the kids go to sleep tell how much it help you out and that you really apreciate it. I don't know how well you liked my advice but thats what I've had to do in my situation. I hope I helped you some. good luck.

Answer 13

You may want your husband to help without you asking, but it doesn't sound as if he is going to. You're just going to have to ask when you want him to do something. Asking at the time rather than complaining about it afterwards will probably be more helpful. If you say "please will you do...." whatever it is at the time you want it done, it's more likely to get a civil response.

Answer 14

First...he may feel like he doesn't need to help at home since he is the "breadwinner". Perhaps you could just ask him to do one thing...like take out trash or load the dishwasher. Help seems a little broad and he may not really want to get too domestic.

Answer 15

One day i would would jsut say your going out and leave him with the babies a few times and maybe that would wake him up to know that you really do need help when he realizes how much work 2 little kids are.

Answer 16

Be SPECIFIC haha. I learned this lesson with my 5 month old baby. I wanted her father to help more too. I kept saying I wanted more help and he would say of course, than forget too. Be specific in what you need, think it out, divide some stuff, but remember to be sympathetic to him as well :) GL!

Answer 17

problem is us guys never know what is expected of us unless we are told. and told. and told. you say you talk with him, and ask him to do things which he then doesn't do. he has to understand that marriage, particularly marriages with small babies, require both to work, and work hard. tell him what you need, make some consequences if he does not to what is necessary, along with some rewards if he does. if he needs constant reminders, give them. hopefully he will realize that you are not in this alone and will help you out. hopefully.

Answer 18

the best answer for this is stop helping your husband with anything. Don't do anything for him. If he askes you to do something for him tell him no and let him know that his family needs to quit asking for money because it is not your problem.

Answer 19

Set boundries



let him know how you feel (sad, angry, hurt, ect)



Plan time for you (honey, I'm going out with the ladies every other sat. night to get away or I'm going to take a leisurely bath every mon night to unwind I need you to watch the babies/put them to bed).

Answer 20

Hire part-time help, even if it is or one day a week.



Men pay attention when money is involved.

Answer 21

If you want help, ask for it at the time that you want it. Men are not mind readers.

Answer 22

YES BUT THE AGENCY FOR U HAVE IN ENGLAND WE HAVE THE CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY WHICH WUD STO HIM OR THE LAWYERS TO HELP U FILE FOR DIVORCED