Should i give up on my marriage?

Question

Am so confused as to what i should do. Have been with my husband for 9 years, married 6. We have 2 gorgeous kids who we both adore. When i met my husband i was young and very independent, i was life and soul of the party, had loads of confidence and millions of friends. I thought he was wonderful and couldn't believe he was even interested in me. He always liked a drink but so did i and it never bothered me, but i feel i have changed so much and he is just the same. He drinks every-night, sometimes getting completely drunk other times not. I try to tell him how miserable him drinking all the time makes me but he just doesn't understand what the problem is. He says its me who needs to sort myself out and that its me that's the problem, am starting to think maybe hes right. I just don't know who i am anymore or where i fit in, i adore my kids and think am a good mum, still see my friends regularly and am really happy with them, then i have to go home and i am depressed again. It is so hard because when he is sober he is just brilliant and i can see why i love him, it feels like being married to 2 different men. I am just so sick of having to be the sensible reliable one all the time, i want someone to think about me for a change. Am i wrong?

Answer 1

Your question really scares me because your relationship in its younger years sounds just like mine is with my boyfriend and i fear it becoming how yours is now. I don't think you are wrong for wanting him to drink less. Its hard because you know he loves you but sometimes it feels like he loves his beer more. I don't think you should give up though. Is there anything you can do to make him more interested in life again?? Maybe a vacation with just the two of you??

I may not have the answer but i don't think you should give up maybe that is just my hope for my relationship talking though.

Answer 2

This is always a difficult situation to deal with. Straight to the point, have you considered he may be (or be close to being) an alcoholic? Most certainly you are both very unhappy at the moment & facing up to him with that suggestion will not help, but if you consider it possible it might help you to evaluate the situation through different eyes. As you surmise, it could be you have moved on & he feels content not doing so. Either way there are issues to be faced - although the routes for each are quite different. If you feel alcohol is the problem I'd first talk to your GP & maybe to Alcoholics Anonymous for more advice. If that isn't that case there may be help through a Marriage Guidance Consellor. Sadly, in both options, your husband needs to agree to work with you for a solution. You are not wrong to expect some respect & consideration - let alone affection. So if none of the aforementioned lead to any progress I feel your estimation may be right. That's hard (been there!) but in the end the old saying "it takes two" applies & if your life is unbearable you have to condier your future & that fo your children first - especially, as you indicate, if your husband won't agree to review the situation together.

Answer 3

You're not wrong for feeling that way. Don't give up on your marriage just yet though. Talk to him again, tell him that you are thinking about leaving if he doesn't do something about the drinking. Tell him that you love him and the last thing you want to do is leave but you don't think it's healthy for you or your children that things stay the way they are. Suggest that he get some sort of counseling or go to AA and try to stop drinking so that you and your family can stay together.



If he refuses, then leave but don't go far. Stay with family or friends for a little while and see if that changes his mind. It might take him knowing that you're serious about leaving to do anything about it. If nothing changes then you will have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life like that and make your decision.

Answer 4

Hi dear friend, I completely understand your situation. You sound very desperate and confused. Try to calm yourself for a few moments, and think of this:

The answer to your problems always come from within. Not from your heart, but from your soul who is guided by God if you trust him and have infinite faith in Him. He will give you the confidence to understand that there is nothing wrong with you, since you are a beautiful person who has grown a lot during all these years and have become a wiser human being. Your marriage to your husband is a crucial backbone to the way your children learn to react to life in the future. AND there lies the clue to your problem. You mentioned that you BOTH love your children dearly. Well, use this specific subject when your husband is completely sober to talk to him and let him know again and again how bad he is going to keep hurting your children if he does not stop this drinking. Please ask the Lord for guidance and help since He is the only one who will solve the problem.

For your husband to get professional help He must WANT to get this help and his love for you and your children should be the motivation. There is no easy solution for this problem but God and your faith in Him can solve everything.

Answer 5

Well its obvious you love your husband, and sounds like he loves you too. If he has any close friends/family members talk to them and tell them how you are worried about him and this problem.Tell them he dose it only at night, and how he has this Dr Jekyll/Mr hyde persona when he drinks that nobody really see's.

The fact is its only you complaining about it, and some times people don't believe they have a problem, they just think you are trying to change them.

If it comes to you being harsh with him about how you feel then so be it, tell him his drinking is affecting his wife and the lives of his children. Remind him of the fact that most children today come from broken homes. Ask him if he really wants his children's memories of him, to be that of a drunken father figure.

If he wont see reason that way your gonna have to set up and intervention. Majority is hardly ever wrong.

If all else fails threaten to leave him, that should make him straighten up and fly right.

But Don't leave him, you love him and he needs your love and help right now. If things don't change after all of this then you might have to consider leaving for the sake of your children.

Answer 6

Oh bless your heart, alarm bells are ringing when I read this story, I have been there myself and I understand its horrible. First thing is first, approach him again about his drinking because that is not normal to be drinking all week. There must be something underlying going on to make him want a drink.



It could be that he is stressed and like you doesn't know what to do. Ask him if he knows what the problem is, and I know that you have children with him but please dont let that cloud your judgement. He knows there are problems but also that you two have to sit down and discuss them. By drinking, he is putting his head in the sand in the hope that it will go away, it wont and I think deep down you know that. It is not all one sided like he says, believe in yourself and dont be fooled that it is all you.



It takes 2 to make a marriage work, he is being selfish and is in denial. Please consider going to counselling now and address the issues before its too late. The same thing happened to me, and in the end I had to ask him to leave. More for my sanity and the children. If he wont address the problems you are faced with, give him an ultimatum, he really needs to hear it.



You love him and I imagine will do anything to get your marriage on track but you have to be sure he does too otherwise its a waste of time. I really hope you get through to him.



Good luck

Answer 7

The word you've very carefully avoided applying to your husband is "alcoholic." But that's exactly what he is.



No, you're not wrong. You aren't college kids anymore, and you've got 2 kids. What the hell is he doing getting drunk all the time? You don't cause him to drink. His own lack of coping mechanisms and lack of self-reflection causes him to drink.



Unfortunately you can't help someone who won't help themselves. If he won't admit it's a problem (and it is, if for no other reason than that it's hurting his relationship with you) then it's not going to change.



I don't know if you should entirely give up, but i would leave and take the kids with you. They don't need to be around that. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to him.

Answer 8

He's an alcoholic and you should get him psychiatric help. Tell him he's going to have to quit drinking, if not for you, at least for the kids and convince him to see a therapist and maybe join an AA group. If you love him and you think he's still brilliant when sober, then alcohol is really the only problem in your marriage. And alcoholism is a curable disease. It's going to be really hard but you should hang in there and help him out, because he needs it.

Answer 9

All your problems boil down to his drinking...of course he is in denial and will always say it's you that has the problem...that's how it works..the person with the drink problem has to blame someone else, because if they don't , then they have to take responsibility for the drinking. You will continue to feel the way you do..as long as he doesn't address his drinking. Don't let him turn the problem on to you..stand firm and tell him to get it sorted or your gone. Don't waste years dealing with all of this..give him an ultimatum and then stick to it..don't make false treats.

Answer 10

Ive got an alcoholic dad, My mom always tells us were gonna leave someday cause the pressure on her is too hard. Especially cause she has MS and can't walk. My dad is AMAZING. Besides the drinking he is perfect. Hes tried quiting manytimes and we are always encouraging him not too. He knows its affecting us but its kinda hard for him to stop. My mom noticed, Minus the drinking hes amazing. Even though 1 day hes a dick, and the next day hes perfect, We focus on when he is sober and how much he means to us. They have been married for 20 years and she always wanted to leave him. He still drinks but we are making it through. My best advice is, talk to him tell him how u feel and talk to the kids and see how much its affecting them. From there make ur descision

Answer 11

You may choose to ignore my answer as i am only 20 years old myself so may be written off as 'naive' but please take my advice into account as i have been through it and i speak from experience....



My mum and dad split up when i was 15, my mum thought that the grass was greener on the other side, and had an affair. It tore our family apart. My dad tried to firgive my mum and work through it for the sake of me and my brother and suggested marriage counselling but my mum was too proud to go and see someone about their problems. These days, mum and dad live apart and are divorced but are in contact with each other and are amicable within reason, but life is just not the same for me and my brother. I moved in with my fiance when i was 19 to escape it all, and my brother lives between two houses which always causes arguments when he leaves important school work at one house and our parents argue about who is going to bring it to him. Personally, i had a mental breakdown and suffered anxiety, had to be signed off university for 9 months and had proffessional help from a psychologist to help me come to terms with what had happened as i couldn't cope with not having a family unit anymore, i felt i no longer belonged anywhere and was confused as to where i fitted in in the world. I know not all divorces are like this but most of my friends have been through their parents divorcing and it has screwed each and every one of them up in some way or other.



My point is, if this marriage has any chance of surviving, please throw your heart and soul into it for the sake of your children, beacuse the grass is not always greener on the other side. I can see your point, and if the marriage is never going to work then yes, you should not make yourself miserable for the sake of your children, as i'm sure they'd rather see you happy, but i think deep down you still love your husband and what to make things work from the way you say 'when he is sober he is brilliant'. Why not try marriage guidance? I know it can be a little hard and embarrassing opening your heart to someone, i found it hard when i first started counselling, but it does help. And it is much better than the alternative, trust me. I hope i have helped. xxx

Answer 12

your not wrong at all,everybody has ups and downs in a marriage none of them are perfect,i don't think it will be easy for him to see the problem because you met him like that,he doesn't see what an outsider sees he see him as hiself,i personally think that where u know you have changed over the years and u can see it maybe u don't understand we hasn't changed too,don't give up your marriage over this,some ppl don't change in life and others do,if you really don't want him to be that way and you are getting that depressed maybe you should seek help and try to find a way of making him see what hes doing to his marriage :)

Answer 13

You need to address why he's drinking. Is he unhappy in work stressed depressed? is he just stuck in a rut and can't get out? I've been in some horrible jobs and that's how i used to ease my self hatred and self pity by drinking most nights. But you'll need professional help. But don't walk away from the marriage.

Answer 14

Absolutely not your fault and no you are not wrong marriage is give and take and your the one doing all the giving how could you be the one who is wrong when he is the drunk and you shouldn't have to stay in a marriage if your not happy leave the bum what you do is totally up to you but doesn't everybody deserve to be happy

Answer 15

"He says its me who needs to sort myself out and that its me that's the problem, am starting to think maybe hes right."



He's deflecting your advances, and apparently winning. It's a form of denial. From what I have heard, this is common for someone with an addiction like alcoholism (Note: I'm not implying hard drugs, just alcohol). He is the problem. He just doesn't want to deal with it. Keep at him. AA would help.

Answer 16

You need to print out what you just wrote. Tie it to a beer bottle and leave it on the couch with a pillow and blanket. That'll get you your answer.

Answer 17

that's marriage sweety life does ot always go hunky dory........realx dont thretend to quit all the time. think of ways how u can work on the issue and resolve it.

Answer 18

No, you shouldn't. Marriage in the eyes of God is something you're supposed to stick with. It might help if you went to a church and talked to a pastor or someone.

Answer 19

Your husband is ALCOHOLIC he needs help, which im sure you know that already , Good luck , your gonna need it

Answer 20

No you aren't wrong. Show him this post and maybe he'll then understand the damage he's doing to you all................

Answer 21

give yourselves some space before deciding...you both might be confused :)





yours truly

tobolita

http://doubleu3x.blogspot.com