Husband is mad at me for standing up for myself in an argument?

Question

My husband is 27 and acts like he is 18. He used to drink A LOT...and decreased that a LITTLE bit after he got arrested for public intoxication and spent a night in jail on Christmas, yes christmas. He is in the Navy and deployed, and he thought it would be ok to invite a girl co-worker to come hang out in the hotel room with him and a couple guys. He knows I do not think something like that is ok, and he thinks the same of the situation flipped. Well, that was a couple weeks ago, and I just can't let it go. He never admitted he was wrong and made me feel bad for being upset by it. He does this all the time. This year after having our son (9 months old), he never helped, and rarely likes to play with him. My son and I didn't get any gifts from him for Christmas, valentines day, birthday or anything. He has also spent over 400 dollars on alcohol, and 500 dollars on hotels in 2 port stops while deployed, but tells me to try and save money! So, after being fed up with the way I am being treated (disrespected in many ways) I decided to let him know how I was feeling. Normally he'd get upset with me and I would submit and say I'm sorry, but this time I am standing my ground. He doesn't like it, and won't even e-mail me. What is wrong with this situation...I know I am right to stand up for what I believe, because I have let things slide for more than 2 years, but why is his heart so much like a solid rock??

Answer 1

he's the type of person that thinks he can do whatever he wants and no one will call him on it. so when someone does that he will get angry and pretty much shut them out. it's very childish and you shouldn't be with someone like that. i know you must love you husband but you shouldn't be with someone like that. you need to find a way out of that situation because before you know it, you're going to be broke and not able to buy diapers for your baby because he's using all the money for his silly crusades.

Answer 2

Well first you have to stop downplaying the fact it is your birthday. No 28 is not Wow suchhhh a big deal. How about HELLO compared to a middle school graduation it is! He is your husband... your birthday should come before his nieces middle school graduation. I am not saying he should not go... but 8 hours? Expect you to completely forget that it is your birthday for the sake of their middle school graduation? Expect you to bring your 3 month old in Florida weather? He is not willing to compromise with you to also keep you happy on your birthday? He would rather you not go at all? Be alone on your birthday? Have friends come over and throw yourself a party. Maybe if he has time from his much more important event he can come home in time to cut the cake. In any case... I don't think going to this party is much of an option. If the heat becomes unbearable, he doesn't sound like he will be willing to drive you home. This is not even that big of an issue. There could be many ways to compromise here. He could pick you up later, he could leave earlier etc etc. But he should be interested in finding a solution and keeping his wife moderately content on her birthday. It is not too much to ask. It is not your fault you were born on the oh so important day that his nieces would be graduating from middle school 28 years later.

Answer 3

My ex was exactly the same. Ultimately it got to a point where we would argue all the time because he always needed to be right and I was always wrong. He was even starting to tell me how I should feel. "Don't feel that way" or "I know you feel that way but you're wrong" We are so over now. But that doesn't mean you two have to be like the other answerer suggested. He may just be stubborn and there is nothing you can do about that. I'm not sure what to do to fix this situation though before it gets worse. Have tried playing the comparison game. "If I did that, how would you feel" Sounds childish but he may need concrete examples to give you answers. Good Luck to you in whateer you decide to do.

Answer 4

Good on you for standing your ground!! No-body in their right mind would tolerate such bad behaviour & spend lots of money useless things & ignore his family if he wasn't a complete ignorant PRAT!

Divorce him & go for everything your entitled to from the marriage & make him pay for all his past mistakes & then you will see some grovelling by him, asking you to back off & this is where you can push your point home, that he didn't care for you or your son! Take him to the cleaners & milk him for everything your entitled to !!



Why you waste your time staying with him, co's your only being used!!



Cheers!!

Answer 5

Good, you should stand up for yourself... that is the normal thing one does when they believe in themselves. Obviously you are dealing with a man that has many problems, including alcohol, boundaries, respect, and love. First you must recognize who you are dealing with, all the things you listed sound very problematic in a marriage. And obviously the marriage is not working with his choices in behavior, thus you must stand your ground and not tolerate it. This is the time to show this man what you do, and do not tolerate. If he chooses to ignore you and not communicate, then that is his choice and you must accept that this man does not want to solve problems but instead he wants to ignore them and you. With that understanding, I would encourage you to look for the next step... this could be asking him to attend counseling with you so that you can explain to him the problems he is creating, or it could be a period of separation for you to stay sane instead of remaining in an unstable relationship. Either way, I think you are doing good by standing your ground, just focus on what you and your son need to stay in a healthy and sane environment, and whether or not telling this man that he is making your lives unstable and he needs to change or get the boot.

Answer 6

I'm going through this very thing as I type. My husband is in the Army. He's always been what I know now to be emotionally abusive and never liked it when I stood my ground. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to focus on strengthening yourself! It you suspect your husband is an alcoholic, he probably is. Know that his disease can make you sick too! Try your resources on post and seek out the help of a local Al-anon group. I am seeking Legal separation at this point because after 6years, two kids under the age of 3, DUIs and other jailed offenses, he is so far in to his disease and delusion that I can't subject myself or my kids to it any longer.



Know that you cannot change anyone but yourself and work on finding and maintaining your Joy regardless of him. You have to decide what's best for you and if he is not genuinely willing to do what it takes to keep his family and LOVE YOU healthily and unconditionally, you have to do what it takes to take care of you so you can take care of your son!



Alanon and counseling has helped me tremendously. Although, my marriage seems to be ending, I have tools to start reclaiming who I am as a woman and mother. God will guide you. Just trust yourself to trust him. God bless!



P.S. Check out these resources:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/



http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Rocks-Learning-Yourself-Alcoholic/dp/0932194176/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277242015&sr=8-1

Answer 7

I have no idea why your husband is the way he is but you did the right thing by standing up for yourself. Is leaving this marriage possible? If it is, I would run in the other direction as your husband seems to care about his comfort and happiness and not give a second thought to your or his son.

Answer 8

He's an alcoholic and (frankly) probably a cheater as well. They aren't known for being reasonable or rational people. Take a good long look at your marriage. Where it's going? Is that where and what you want it to be? Are there any solutions that you have not tried?



Frankly, being prior Navy myself, I don't see much hope for this marriage. (but I could be wrong...it wouldn't be the first time)

Answer 9

Run away as far as possible while you are young and able to do it.

And please, next time try to choose someone better. You would need to have some psychological therapy to know better who is good for you and who is right for you to spend the rest of your life and have children with.

I went through a bad marriage and I regret my bad decision after so many years, I have still feeling the effects of a bad choice.

Good luck

Answer 10

I would divorce him. He doesn't seem like he cares much about you or his child and no man is worth being treated the way he treats you. If he is angry at you for standing our ground, he should be angry at himself for making you feel as though you have to debate and fight with him. Unless he changes completely, leave him. You're much better off.



I hope it all works out!

Answer 11

You answered your own question.



"Normally he'd get upset with me and I would submit and say I'm sorry, but this time I am standing my ground."



If you've been submissive and let him treat you like crap of course he's going to get mad when you finally grow a brain and learn to stand up for yourself.

Answer 12

He is mad because you usually let him bully you. He is trying to get you to fold and you need to stand your ground. You are a grown woman and need to be treated like one. You need to be treated with a little respect also.

Answer 13

Probably the whole "letting it slide for 2 years" thing. If his behavior wasn't a deal-breaker at the beginning of your relationship, why should it be now? That's probably how he sees it, and it is a fair point.

Answer 14

when he married you, he promised to love, honor and respect you

apparently he doesn't

divorce him