How do I fix my messy marriage?

Question

I've been married for 3 yrs now n hve a son who is 14mts old. we both work full time n are financially comfortable. My hubby likes to be in control of all things - finance, entertainment etc. I let him have his way for the 1st yr n withdrew financial support for my mom [56yrs], dad passed away when I was 12. But when my hubby continued to take comfort in manipulating me and havin his way, i put my foot down n after a lot of arguing my hubby let me resume support for my mom. I am very attached 2 my mom n 2 younger sisters. This does not go well with my hubby. I got along very well with my MIL n have been courteous with my FIL so far. Things b/w us have been up n down - suspicion, fights about me supporting mom, his miserly nature, his nature to control my income etc. but we were doing ok. I walked out on him when he went over board with his suspicions. But we made up the very next day and were fine. Last yr, he refused to pay for my c-section and let my struggling mom pick up the bill since I did not heed his advice of not moving 2 my hometown for delivery. He also shifted job to my hometown and has never really attempted to bond with our son. His attitude n behaviour suggest that my son is no more than a plaything n expense to him. I walked out on him since he was unhelpful with the baby and was very mean/selfish and controlling. I went back when my in-laws made attempts to fix our marriage. We were doing ok, but since Feb this yr, things have gone down hill when I left him a 3rd time. I conceived and he suspected me of having had an affair. I work from home most days so no chance of meeting new guys and plus no intention of that sort ever. Plus he wont take precautions n i terminated the pregnancy. We have been trying to work things ever since but no luck. In the meantime we got to know about a suicide in the house we had rented. I was adamant about moving but he refused since his flat would be ready by Aug. I refused to go back. I have been VERY harsh with my in-laws when they tried to play mediators this time and that does not look like it can ever be fixed. Since end of Apr, my hubby hasn't visited our son nor does he enquire about him and this is very disturbing. I do love him a lot but I left him because he was being too controlling. suspecting me a lot and not truly bonding with our son moreover I feel financially insecure with him after he refused to pay for my c-section. My mom's property issue has resolved and she no longer is dependent on me. I really do not know what to do. I keep having thoughts of going back to him but do not know how to approach him.I dont even know how to make him understand how I feel. He seems emotionelss and unattached. Plus before I left him this 3rd time, he made me promise that I wouldn't ask to come back once his flat was ready and I did so. There is that ego as well that is not letting me approach him. I need him but I feel i have lost him and dont know what to do. He will not agree for counselling since he is of the old school type. He does not think he has a problem - he leaves out emotions in all situations. He wants to only work with measurable things all the time. He is just not the emphatic type. If that could be worked on he will be a lot easier to live with. I want to save my marriage, not for my son's sake or anyone's sake, but for my own. I dont think I can live without him. I find it harder each day. But the mess I have landed myself in with my in-laws is real bad and I dont think my hubby wants to even get back with me. This hurts. Please let me know if there is some way to approach him and fix this whole mess. I know I took wrong decisions in anger when I walked out on him and the way I handled his parents when they recently tried to mediate. I really do want to make it work. Please help!!
My MIL once told me that she has not given him much affection/attachment n attention in raising him. This is contrast to how I was raised.Since my dad passed away, my mom has been everyting 2 me. I owe her my education and good job. Further he hails from a family that is kind of stingy.Spending on anything beyond basic necessities is attrocious for them.My sisters n I have sacrificied a lot that kids our age usually enjoy. But we have been happy through bonding and mom has tried to keep it good for us. This seems alien to hubby and I really can't see how I can help him see how I feel. He seems like a machine that cannot understand feelings.

Answer 1

Big hug... What a mess.

Really - as I read your story I do not think that your husband is treating you as he should.

Why do you want to get back with someone who treats you as badly as he does... and over a long time? Is it financial, or the security of the familiar? You can do without him if you decide to, you know you can do it.

But if you really do want to try again I think you need the help of a relationship therapist to help the relationship restart and continue on an equal footing. Ask him to come to counselling to help you - get him there and then work on him in the safety of a counsellor.



Can you see yourself with him in 5 years? he will be the same and that is why you left him. Don't put up with it - you are worth much more. You can live without him, you don't need him! Yes you can. You are stronger than you think you are. Sometimes it is hard to let go, very hard but sometimes it is better to admit it didn't work and move on with your life.

Let him know you want him in your son's life and be honest with your son as he grows up.

You are not the only one with marriage difficulties so do not feel that it is your fault. Be honest, you have left him 3 times - unless things change it will happen again... be strong and find someone who will appreciate you and love you and put you first.

It is despicable he refused to pay for your c-section... he is (was) your husband... I think this shows how much he doesn't respect you. I know you think that there is no choice but to get back to him but you do have the choice - it is yours. You say you want to get back with him for you - But if you think honestly you will see that it may be the wrong thing for you rather than the right thing. He may not be physically abusive but he is being psychologically abusive and this can be worse, much worse. How about raising your son in that environment - not good id it?



Be strong and make a choice that is best for you and your son... I think this is away from him...



Huge hug and all the best for the future

Answer 2

You guys are two different personalities, his contolling behaviour won't get better with time as you allready know. If you can find someone affectionate & understanding you'd be better off than being with your husband-husband will be nothing but misery for you. I had separated on controlling husband, missed him a lot, did not remarry. It is like you are miserable with him, and also miserable without him. Time to make up your mind for good.

Answer 3

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