I'm Married he's taken, how do I stop the feelings?

Question

So I have been married for 7 years, with my husband for 13 years. I am 30 years old and I met this guy a couple of years ago. He was always really nice and would give me the look and always say really sweet things to me. So last Christmas the four of us went out (my husband, him, hi sgirlfriends, and me) and him and I ended up kissing. I still get butterflies when I think abou tit! So then we have hung out like every weekend since then as couples. This weekend the four of us go out of town to hang out and him and I end up ditching out partners and hanging out all night long... we were flirting and saying cute things back and forth, by the end of the night we were down by the water totally making out. I think he is just so amazing. I think about him all the time and when we talk he always says he still thinks abou tit and it was great. My problem is I can't stop thinking about this guy and I want more and more! I am married with two beautiful children and I am so confused on what to do. He tells me that he isn't ment to be with the girl he's with but I don't know what I should do I am so confused. I think that me an dhim could me so happy together and have so much fun, but then I look at the years I hacve with my husband and our children and I just don't know what to do. I am a bad person? What do I do??

Answer 1

if your ok with violating the trust between you and your husband then go ahead!

Answer 2

Okay, wow. So.. I haven't answered any questions on here in a long time, or even really been on this site in a while, come to think of it.. I was browsing through some of the answers to your question, and it amazes me how rude some people can be. Even if someone may feel what you are doing is wrong, there is a tactful way to go about expressing that and not just out right saying you are a bad person



Alright, my feelings regarding peoples answers doesn't pertain to the question, does it..



Let's see.. what do I think? What should you do? Are you a bad person?



No, you are not a bad person. You have made a couple bad decisions, but so what? we are all human, we all make mistakes, anyone who says otherwise is a conceited, arrogant loser who probably has no friends because he/ she can't find any as 'perfect' as they are and will always point out the negative aspect of things..



Okay, I went off on a bit of a tangent there, sorry..what should you do?



I say, you take some time to evaulate the situation. You have been with your husband a long time, obviously, you must love him to a certain degree. he is the father of your children, afterall. I think you need to first figure out your true feelings for this guy and determine if it is a silly little crush or possibly more. Is this the first time you have felt these feelings for a man other than your husband? this little tidbit of info is very important, in my opinion, it would mean the difference of whether or not this sorta thing happens all the time, if you just sort of crave attn from other guys, or if this is something new, something you didn't see coming.



How has you and your husbands marriage been the past couple of years? Perhaps you are trying to filla void by seeking out the love and affection from another guy?



I think, after you give this some thought.. you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Communication is key. Explain to him your feelings. You don't need fill him in on all the details, just explain to him what's going on in terms of that you are confused.



If you and he have been together since you were 17 yrs old, yall have a lot of history together and shouldn't throw all those yrs together away for a little fling.



Maybe some marriage counseling is in order?



I will tell you this though, you are not alone. I have been there. I know how difficult it is. You need to be honest with yourself first and then you owe it to your husband to tell him the truth as well.



Alright, this was one long answer.. yeah, I'm a bit out of practice with this whole Yahoo Answers thing.. lol



anyway, hope I helped.. good luck to you!

Answer 3

I'm not sure why you stayed with your husband to begin with, he sounds like such a loser. You know it is wrong to have an affair but it sounds like you have your reasons, and some good ones at that. Your not a bad person but you've made some poor choices at times. You really need to figure out what you want in life and what you can live with when it comes to these two men. Your husband doesn't sound that great, but you have spent many years with him so you must feel something even yet. It sounds like you and your husband need to rekindle the flame, but would he be willing to do so if you talked about it? This man your having an affair with, he may also be full of bs. There is no easy way to end feelings you have for someone, about the only way to stop some of it is to keep yourself busy in some way most the time. Focus on your kids, get a hobby or read, anything that will require thinking.

Answer 4

I know that this is a very difficult situation. You need to realize that if you weren't married, he would probably check out! Why is he not married yet? Why is he still with the other woman?



It is like a drug addiction to be in this situation, I know first hand, but you need to TRY and think about your little kids faces and how much they count on you. Try to get some of the benefits from your husband that you are getting here.



You will miss this person terribly for a long time, but the sooner you end that the better because you will get deeper and deeper involved emotionally which is difficult.



I live in the same town as the person I met like this and I see them everywhere. It has been over two years and I don't think about it much anymore, but when I see them it feels like I have been stabbed in the gut! Get out before you end up making a big mistake.





Wow, look at the postings below mine. www.watchtower.com is a Jehova's Witness group. We will never be as perfect as they are! Be careful with that advice.

Answer 5

You're not a bad person... this stuff happens, but you certainly are weak to have let it gone that far. You have technically cheated on your hubby (do you know that?!). Had you just kept your crush on this dude without ever doing anything, you would've gotten over it and gone on... but now you both have acted on it, and you have betrayed your husband.



Trust me, I don't say that with lightness. At all. I am in love with someone other than my husband and although he shows signs of interest in me, I would never NEVER dishonor my husband by taking action on it. Even if we kissed, even before we kissed, I would want to end it with my hubby. It's complicated, I know, and in your case is WAY complicated because you acted on it. Yeah, you were weak, but it's done with so what can you do?



I think you've pushed it a bit too far. I think you need to sit your hubby down, tell him how you feel about this other guy and what has happened between you two. Be honest. Give your hubby the last bit of dignity that you can afford him by letting him know the truth, and letting him make the decision with how you two are to proceed from here.



It might not be pretty. Your family may be torn apart, or at the very least, you'll have to go to therapy and be sworn never to see this guy again. The odds are NOT in your favor. But you have breached a staunch line of trust here... be a woman and face up to what you have done and the choices you have made. Hiding this is only further shaming your husband when he did nothing to be shamed for.



Capish?

Answer 6

You are not a bad person to admit your feelings. It just shows you have a great capacity to love. We are all human so it's natural. However this is serious trouble should your husband/kids find out you are "cheating" and getting deeper into "an affair". You have to seriously make a solid decision for yourself of whether you want to be with this guy or your husband and not combine the 2 or it's going to be awful ugly. I didn't see in your paragraph you mentioned you still love your husband just that you look back on the years you've had, so perhaps it's something you will need to work out with your marriage. My best advice is to do what is best for you and try to see your future and how you want to be in 5 years. Think of the guys as 2 paths, and remember doing what is right is different than being happy.

Answer 7

I agree that your reported behavior shows signs of low self-worth.

Ask yourself: "Does it *make sense* for me to feel better when a disloyal man other than my husband, uses me...?" You've assumed that he loves you, but want & love are not the same thing at all --- especially when deciet is involved!



Notice God's definition of true love:



"Love is long-suffering and kind.

Love is not jealous, does not brag, does not get puffed up, 

does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests,

does not become provoked.

It does not keep account of the injury.  

It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.  

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." --1 Co 13:4-8a



"Can We Save Our Marriage?"

> Trapped in a Loveless Marriage

- Why Does Love Fade?

- Is There Reason for Hope?

- Your Marriage Can Be Saved!

http://watchtower.org/e/20010108/



Why View Marriage as Sacred?

- Love and Respect

- Time and Attention

- Avoid a Casual View

http://watchtower.org/e/20040508a/



The Bible Can Help Your Marriage

- How to Strengthen Your Marriage

http://watchtower.org/e/20030915/article_01.htm



How Well Do You Communicate?

- Keys to Communicating With Your Mate

http://watchtower.org/e/20060415/article_01.htm



When Marital Disagreements Arise

- Assessing the Situation

- - Three Steps to Defusing an Argument

- - - “Pay Attention to How You Listen”

- - - - Listening and Insight

- - - - - Aim to Resolve, Not to Win

- - - - - - What You Can Do Now!

http://watchtower.org/e/20050601/article_01.htm



When a Mate is Unfaithful :

- Infidelity--Its Tragic Consequences

- Is Reconciliation Possible?

- The Option of Divorce

- Meaningful Support

- Why Some Stay Together

- Who Is Responsible?

> Children Do Not Deserve Divorce

http://watchtower.org/e/19990422/article_01.htm



I invite you to listen to a few, brief descriptions of other's experiences in dealing with marital problems, by applying God's advice, on this excerpt from the video:



The Bible's Power in Your Life -- Part 2,

http://watchtower.org/e/vcpf/article_02.htm



Marriage Should Be a Permanent Bond

http://watchtower.org/e/20020208/article_03.htm



You can sit your husband down, tell him there's something very serious you need to tell him, & tell him how you've been feeling, & why. Then tell him what you did, & apologize. Don't make excuses.

Apologize. State how you feel without accusing him of making you feel that way. Ask him to tell you how he feels --when he's ready-- about the entire matter, but tell him --truthfully-- that you've ended the affair. Even if just for yourself, end it... Read the articles I've posted links for, & perhaps at some point, ask him to read certain ones of them with you...



You are welcome to request a free home Bible study for yourself/selves, perhaps using the publication:



"The Secret of Family Happiness"

http://watchtower.org/e/publications/index.htm

The Bible's principles really do work, when applied...



Not all family-repair 'jobs' work,

& not all that do start out with both parties wanting to try,

but...

none work where neither take the innitiative...

Answer 8

Your okay it doesnt nessesarily make you a bad person, its just that you have been with the same person for a very long time. THat right now you are going crazy with mixed emotions because you have met this new man that cares and loves you. So you feel even more special, because you have 2 men that care for you.



Husband:

father of your 2 children

husband your partner "til death do us part"

13 years dating

7 years married

been there for you

have a home

have a family

have love you and the children

have a future

brings home money

been with you through the tough times and have come out still together





lover:

basically loves you



I really do not know if you want to lose everything you have just for a man, that says he loves you. Look men love to feel wanted. And everytime you cheat on your husband with this man. He basically is feeling good because he sees (or should at least see) everything your can lose just to be with him.



PLUS let me tell you. you have basically already started cheatin on your hysband with him, If you leave your husband this man will tell you in whatever relationship you may hav in the future. " how am i suppose to trust you? your prob cheating on me." and youd be like no i wouldnt do that. and then hed say something like "well you went around with me and left your family, how can i trust a woman like that"/ \\ basically im saying youve already done it and he wont be able to trust you even if he says he loves you at the moment.



So just thoink about it look back 13 years from now:

and ask yourself

WHERE WAS I???

WHO WAS I WITH??

HOW MANY STRUGGLES HAVE YO GONE THROUGH??

WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE???

WHAT DO I HAVE NOW THAT I DIDNT HAVE BEFORE???

AM I SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE???



think about your children. remember once your a mother your life doesnt belong to you but to your children. You have to think whats best for them

Remebre if you do adultry and your husband finds out, you can lose alot. no joke.You have got alot to lose that man has nothing. So in a way he is being selfish.

and if you just want him for sex. you guys can always become swingers. It happens between couples. its just not good to go behind your husbands back when your suppose to be faithful to him. HOW BOUT IF YOUR HUSBAND WOULD BE DOING THIS TO YOU? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???

Answer 9

try this one - look for traits that you don't think are so great about this guy. Right now you are completely blinded to everything that could possibly be negative about this guy. Pause those hormones, calm down and really really assess the situation. I assure you this is going to end badly because by the time things have slowed down and you have your level head on again, there are going to be a lot of hurt and angry people including your kids. This is such a classic case of: it started so well and then I don't know - we just drifted apart... I know how it all seems but push it away. Be strong. You can do it. Start looking at your husband and remind yourself of all the things that make your life great together.

Answer 10

You are not a bad person...You are just human.

The problem is...what is going to happen? Because you can see this is not good and that it will cause a lot of heartache..yet you seem unwilling to let go of this man.



Listen...A lot of people have been in your shoes before, and felt like you do now. And most of them regret what they did, which is to go ahead and live this "dream" until it exploded in their face and ruined a lot of peoples' lives. So be smart, take control of your life now- and stop seeing this man. Unless you want your husband to find out and end your marriage....stop all contact immediately.



Chemistry exists, and we are attracted to other people occasionally. That's normal. The thing is...How do we deal with this? Do we give in to temptation....and pay the price it entails? Or do we walk away and avoid it? It's up to us, really. I guess what I'm saying is this: EVALUATE the pros and cons here. Your marriage should weigh more in my opinion. But everybody is different.



Do what is best for you. Go to counseling and go to church more, too. We are all tempted and we are usually tempted in areas where we are vulnerable. So be careful.

Answer 11

No, you're not a bad person, you're human and it can be easy to fall into temptation with someone who you have only spend "fun" time with.. Your viewpoint of him may be somewhat romanticized because you have never experienced "real life"with him the way you have with your husband.. If you were to be with him for as many years then all of the excitement and "butterflies" would eventually fade.. Try to focus on your children and try to remember all the great things that brought you together with your husband to begin with.. I'm sure they were just as compelling as any reason that is drawing you to this new guy..

I wish you the best of luck and don't feel bad about yourself.. Just try to keep what is most important (your family) first in your thoughts and actions..

Answer 12

of course your not a bad person. many americans today get married and end up cheating on their loved ones. just act like an adult though. don't keep this from being with the one you love. stop the cheating and raise your family!!! your not a teenager any more to be messing around like that. easy as this if you don't love him get a divorce! even though it is very hard on the children. my parents were divorced and really its affected me in many ways good and bad. just make the right choices and stop being inconsiderate about your real duties in life! your off springs should come first. you wouldn't want to hurt your family would you?? just slowly but surely leave him alone! you really seem like you love your husband enough to be with him for that long. do the right thing!

Answer 13

This guy is cheating on his girlfriends, too...

And you think ist's Love???

Did you ever learn the difference between infatuation, &, true love???

You CAN"T really KNOW anyone, until you live with them.

You are infatuated with what this guy seems like, on the surface.



The main problem you seem to have is a lack of self-worth.

Why would what either of the men in your life mean anything to you, if you loved yourself? It wouldn't. So, learn to LOVE YOURSELF. The way that God loves you...



How Precious Is Your Life?

- “Not One of Them Is Missing”

- “The Very Hairs of Your Head Are All Numbered”

- “The Product of Intelligent Activity”

> “He Will Deliver the Poor One Crying for Help”

http://watchtower.org/e/20050201/article_02.htm



Do you really want to stoop to the level that these guys function at? It certainly won't raise your self-worth any!



Why True Love Is Hard to Find

- Love “Will Cool Off”

- Fantasy Love or the Real Thing?

- Storybook Love Versus Real Love

- Storybook love is relatively easy; real love requires *effort*

http://watchtower.org/e/200603/article_02.htm



Just because you are no longer a teenager is no reason to think that you couldn't be infatuated! Don't be a fool. Ask yourself how many lives you would wreck if you ditched your husband, how many of your loved ones would lose all trust in you? Do you realize how many people do ditch their spouses for 'the other person', only to learn that they are totally different to live with, than to date??? But, by that time, the damage has already been done, & 'there's no turning back the clock'...



You Can Remain [Faithful] in an Immoral World...

http://watchtower.org/e/20000715/article_01.htm



It Pays to Be Honest

http://watchtower.org/e/20061201a/article_01.htm



The Golden Rule---A Universal Teaching

http://watchtower.org/e/20011201/article_01.htm



Man and Woman--Made for Each Other

- A *Dignified* Role for Each

http://watchtower.org/e/20070115/article_01.htm



Instead of working on your affair, shouldn't you be working on your marriage, & your family...? Does a person who *really* loves you, encourage you to do things that actually *hurt yourself, your family, & other loved ones*...? This 'friend' of yours isn't being a true friend. Do you honestly believe that his attitude will change for a woman who is willing to dump her husband & family life, just for sensual enjoyment...? Odds are high that one of the things he finds most attractive about you, is that you are unavailable! It wouldn't be the first time I heard of a woman like yourself, who has left her husband, gets dumped by her boyfriend, & her husband refuses to take her back...



Please... THINK about it!!!

Answer 14

no your a normal person although alot of people wouldn't admit that. U have to decide if u have a future with this guy or not and if what u have is worth throwing away. romance is fun. but life is about daily BS. its normal to feel bored or tired in ur marriage but can your marriage be as fun as your romance? or at least bring you peace, contentment and joy? do u love ur husband? its like anything else, you have to weight the pros and cons. if u don't want to leave ur marriage for whatever reason than u have to stop flirting and messing around with this guy or your gonna be in some hot water soon.

Answer 15

Oh dear sweets... Its totally normal! Its human nature to always want what you cant have. But unless you are truly unhappy with the man you married, You need to end this... or else you will confuse yourself even further. You are NOT a bad person. Everyone becomes tempted at one point or another, But dont let this temptation lead your life. The only thing we control in our whole life is our own actions. Your actions are who you are. So just be careful.. its not just your personal emotions that you are handling... its the emotions of his girlfriend, your husband, your children.... there are many involved. Good luck. xoxo

Answer 16

Try a special weekend or two with just you and your husband. Give him extra attention. See how he responds.



You will hurt your kids if you move ahead with this other relationship. It is not proper, not advantageous for any party involved, not even the other man.



As a parent, you are responsible for the physical, mental, and emotional, and spiritual wellbeing of your children. Pursuing this other relationship is putting all four of these in jeopardy.



Can you correct this? Yes. But you must distance yourself from the situation.

Answer 17

well first off you have to put yourself in your husbands position. He's at home with the kids thinking everything is perfect while you're out spending time with another man! not only that but i think its cruel to have gone out for the weekend with your husband and that man and his gf and then the two of you hooking up in the end. I'm not saying you can't be with this wonderful guy but girl you have to do it right! and not only that....you have to think about your children and husband. Don't lead him on. If being with this other man is what you REALLY want then tell your husband. You have to be fair! Remember: KARMA IS A B WORD! Nobody is going to tell you WHAT to do but advice is always a plus! Just really think about it...I mean...you do have one thing with your husband that you don't have with this man...memories and children and a life! besides, what makes you think this man won't do to you what he's doing to this other girl??? Think about it. Best of luck to you! God Bless.

Answer 18

You need a marriage counselor! However, I'm not one to judge, but you should seriously think about whether this is just infatuation for someone you know you can't have, or is this something that you would leave your husband for. Eee... NO, you're not a bad person. I think that you're just making bad decisions in those moments of trial. Everyone has temptations, but its only for you to decide on whether to act on them or not. Especially if you've been with your husband for so long its natural to want to try something different considering you were so young when you got with your husband.



I hope this helps. :O|

Answer 19

You poor dear...you are really in a catch 22 situation..while you are seeing this guy every weekend I can't see your feelings altering...and the flirting is probably giving you a real feel good feeling...Do you know if your hubby is also flirting with your friends g/f...Damn, you really have a good problem, but your own concience will be your best guide as to what you want to do...I would like to say, enjoy the ride you are on, and maybe ask your hubby if he has feelings for the g/f so things could work out well for all...but no doubt there will be ramifications...

Answer 20

Its the feeling of being with someone "new", I guarantee that if you left your husband and hooked up with this guy that after a while the butterflies would fade and you would probably be right back to where you are today. Its a feeling, the feeling of having something you cant have. Let it go, stick with your man.

Answer 21

After reading the additional details, i can apologize for my last answer... sry!

I think you should talk to your husband about it, not about the affair, but just tell him how you feel and remember that marriage counseling is always an option to... and i guess i understand where your coming from, but i can't help but feel like that this likeness is more out of revenge not love. it's obviously an infatuation. this guy can give you what your husband can't and that means alot to you, i get that, but i also think that there are other ways to fix your marriage and leaving him for another guy is not one of them. Talk to your husband, and put this other guy on hold until you figure it out.

Answer 22

You already know the answers to your questions! What you're doing is forbidden, and hopefully your husband doesn't find out. Yeah, you might think that if you and your "lover" gave it a shot it would work, but trust me it wont. He will always have that "well if she cheats on her husband what makes me think she wont do it to me" on his head. You have 2 kids. Make it work with your husband. Stop cheating on your husband. This guy probably thinks the worst of you! I do!

Answer 23

You aren't in love with that guy, your in love with being in love. You need to realize that you've entered a different part of your life now. Why would you throw your whole life and relationship with your family away just to be with some guy your going to do the exact same thing with 7 years later?

Answer 24

You have no conscience its bad enough to cheat on your husband but you are the worst kind of cheater you are messing with a person who is grinning in his face. That is a double insult I hope this guy uses you and your husband cheats and leaves you.

Answer 25

contact with this man got you exited...STOP THE CONTACT



never see him again....tell your husband all about it and he will help you through it..

You don't want to play this guys game...he just is a pro at getting every woman he sees.

You tell him no and he will be with another woman before the night is out.

YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM

you are reading too much into it



come out and ask him if I leave my husband will you marry me and adopt and raise my children as your own?



You will never see him again.

He is a player



Walk away with dignity and do not betray your husband.

Answer 26

OMG!! too long story,,give me ur husbands number :p >>just kidding



dear ur home n ur kids need u more than this guy..u r needing help 2 refresh ur relationship with ur husband..thats my opinion n best wishes 4 u..

Answer 27

If I were your husband I would leave you! What a lousy thing to put on your family! You should be ashamed of yourself! I promise you if you were to tell your husband this he would hurt! Your kids will pay the price too! And yes you ARE a bad person!

Answer 28

It sounds like you 2 deserve each other...you may want to give your husband custody of the children tho , since you obviously don't care about them.

Answer 29

cut him off. why are you gonna put your family through all of this pain because you have a crush. sounds very selfish. if you love your husband you wouldnt do this to him.

Answer 30

don't be selfish.. if you don't care about your husband, think how hard it will be on your kids when you end your marriage..

Answer 31

stay with your family. he should understand. youre not pushing him out of your life either

Answer 32

definetly stay with your family !! stop with this craps. you are not 17 anymore.