My husband had an affair with my best friend...What should I do?

Question

My husband had an affair with my best friend...What should I do?
I just found out through a saved e-mail on my husbands phone that he had a 4 month affair with my best friend whom I've known since grade school. I would never in a million years suspected that this happened.

My husband is nice guy,charming, good looking, he absolutely adores our 3 year old daughter, volunteers as a YMCA coach, has an amazing job. He's like the poster man for perfect husband. Maybe this is why I'm so shocked.

The weird thing about this is that my friend was the one who introduced my husband and I. They were good friends in college, studied abroad together, interned together, I think his mom to this day still likes her better than me. She said they were just friends so I made a move on him. We hit it off...fast-forward 6 years and we're married with a 3 year old daughter.

The worst part of the story is their e-mails. It wasn't just a fling, hes in love with her. Apparently she ended things and he all but begged her not to.

He says he's "utterly in love with her", thinks he always has been, she says what they're doing is wrong. He says, he loves the sound of her voice, the way she looks at him after they make love and the way they can talk for hours about anything. She says the feeling's mutual, but reminds him that he's married, he says it isn't fair to stay married when he's in love with someone else. She says he made vows, he says he already broke them, he feels horrible for what he's doing to me, but he can't help the way he feels, he says he's never been unfaithful before, he wishes things were different, wishes he could change the way he feels. He says he wishes he could go back in time and do everything over again. (Pretty much saying he wishes he never married me). She says she feels awful too, but they can't be together. She says regardless of what has happened she loves me, she says our lives and families are too intertwined, it could never work . She says she can't be responsible for my broken marriage.. doesn't want to lose me as a friend....it pretty much goes on like this for a while.

Sorry for the Essay, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. We all pretty much have the same circle of friends.

I don't know what to do. Should I confront them? A part of me is tempted to send all of their e-mails out to everyone we know in one big massive e-mail, but I think I'll regret that in the morning. Another part of me thinks that if they're so damn in love with each other they should just be together. (Yes, i know that's pathetic). If he leaves he'll definitely want custody of our daughter. His dad's a judge, he's a lawyer he'll have the upper hand there.

Maybe I should just pretend I never saw the e-mail. The affair has been over for about a month and 1/2 , my friend has been distant (now I know why), things with my husband are normal although he's been a little distant as well, I though it was just his job ( he doesn't know that I know about the affair). It makes me numb knowing that he's in love with someone else. If it wasn't for our daughter he probably would be begging her to run off into the sunset with him right now. I'm so confused. I want to hate them, but I still love my husband....is that weird. Do I tell him that I know, stay, leave? I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry again for the length.

Answer 1

:-((( So sad to read your story

Answer 2

I'm pretty certain you know the answer to this question. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, and my heart does go out to you. That's awful! You definitely need to confront him about this and soon. If you don't tell him, it's going to kill you. It's going to be painful either way but it'll feel a whole lot better after you get this off your chest.Maybe ask him a few questions, see if you can't catch him in a lie. I mean, you obviously already know the truth. In a marriage you need honesty, trust, loyalty. He clearly doesn't have this. What he's doing is below low, and your best friend too! I wish I could give you a big hug right now. At least you know your daughter will always love you. (even when she's older). You're calm because you're shocked. I really hope things work out for you.



And SOMETHING made you want to read the emails, what was it? Does he still treat you the way he did 6 years ago?

Go with your heart, Becca. You're better than that

Answer 3

You had so many people answer I almost didn't want to add my thoughts but maybe they will help you. I don't think you are weird to love your husband. I know how you are feeling... i've been through that fire myself only i didn't have the added betrayal and pain that it was with a friend. You didn't mention if this woman is married but if she is, i really think you should tell her husband and not out of revenge. I just think he should know. Most people will instantly say to dump someone who cheats on you and i understand that knee jerk reaction but life is not that simple is it? Especially when it involves kids and entire lives. I hate to say it... but the pain is much more intense than you might even be aware of right now. You are probably in shock right now. Looking back, I wanted things to "go back to normal" fast and pretend all was well too quickly. This is a really bad idea. You should go away for a while with your child. I wouldn't even give too many details where or when you will be back. Say you need a vacation and go off and just think for a while. He cheated on you so the burden would be on him legally, even if he is a lawyer. But I think your question was more one of the heart, not legal. You should go away for a while and get away from the explosive feelings you will come to feel as you think more about them. Only you can say if you want to stay with a man, even the man you may still love that lied to you and betrayed you in the worst of way. Go away and cool off, I think that at least will bring some sanity into your mind and choice you do make. God bless and take care of yourself, no one deserves what you just got!

Answer 4

I would confront your husband, but don't say anything to your friend, yet. There's a lot to deal with and you are very calm considering what has happened. To sum it up, things can't possibly go back to normal between the three of you. It sounds like you had a good marriage, up until he started seeing her...except, that he was probably attracted to her for a long time. She obviously felt bad about the whole thing, and although she is now distant, she definitely cares about you and your friendship is important to her. Still, what she did will be hard for you to forgive.



Your husband, the perfect, handsome guy with the great job, thinks he was always in love with her, but didn't do anything about it. This is the part that I'd be furious about. If he would have just told you, things of course would have been a lot easier. Still hard for you, but at least things wouldn't be where they are at right now.



I wouldn't stay. Sure you love your husband, but it doesn't sound like he loves you, and that is really sad to have to say. Maybe you could forgive him, but would you constantly wonder if he's still thinking about her? Or if he still wants to be with her? He wanted to leave you for her but she is the one who didn't want to do it. You have a lot to talk about....and have your daughter to consider...leaving may not seem like the right choice because of your daugher, but your happiness and well being are important. Tell him about the emails and how you know that he is in love with her. Maybe you should just ask him to choose right now who he really wants to be with. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Im so sorry for whats happening to you! I can tell that this is hurting. Since he had an affair and KEPT on having an affair and he wants to get back together with her, he isn't going to stop. He wants her only. Im sorry for being so blunt. But, i know you love him and might for a VERY long time, but you have to think of yourself now. Divorcing him would be good because he's obviously not sorry. And you have grounds for divorce. The bible says that when a marriage mate is unfaithful, then the innocent mate has grounds for divorce.

As for your daughter, yes, your husband is probably gonna have custody of her. But most likely not full custody. You can still have partial custody of her.

I strongley suggest that you dont send everyone those emails. This is a personal issuse. Not all of your friends have to know the details.

You need to calmly confrount your friend and husband, telling them every single thing you know about their relationship and ask them if theirs anything else you should know.

I hope all this helps and that all goes well for you and your daughter.

Answer 6

Im going to be completely honest. If you know your husbands password for his email, go on the computer and print the emails. Thats not the best idea because he may think your over protective and clingy but you have to in a marriage. Confront him calmly during dinner or if you guys talk before bed bring it up casually with questions like; Would you ever cheat on me? And Have you ever had an affair with another woman while being married to me? But you need to know the answers to the questions you ask so you know if he's lieing. But if hes the type to blow up when you talk about stuff like that or argue then just be easy on him like say you suspected it. Im only 13 but my mom and my stepdad are going through the similar thing. Well Im not sure but Hope it helped!

Answer 7

lets say this is a real question. ( sorry i have my doubts) there is a book called, not just friends about this very thing. read some books about why men have affairs.



why would he get custody of your daughter if he left you? and no, you should not do anything right now. do not say anything to anyone. keep your eyes open. here is what has happened.



he has turned to her because he is bored or otherwise tired a little of you. she however, does not feel as strongly about him, that is why she keeps reminding him of you. she doesnt feel the same about him, she is probably relieved he has cooled it for now.



this could be a passing thing due to the boredom factor in having a 3 year old you have to take care of. the way to help that is to have a regular date night and continue to do your best to be the gal he married. his girlfriend. you didnt know this but it is common for guys to do this and later regret it.



you have power as a wife. how to use this power is to act with grace and dignity at all times. do not act right now about this. keep it to yourself. read up on why men cheat. i need to tell you that indeed one reason is because they dont love you they love the other person, but that is a rare reason. you are the wife. again, act with dignity. your question is written well and says to me you care. no, never show emails to anyone. dont do that because you will become an object of others scorn and pity.



do nothing, learn all you can, act with dignity, and let it lie for now. this is the world of adults you are in now, and i am sorry your trust is betrayed and your world is different. perhaps not ruined forever, just different forever.



unlike the 12 year olds who answer here, i am a real adult and live in a sophisticated city and i stand by my answer.

Answer 8

You feel betrayed by 2 important people in your life, yes, you are entitled to be extremely hurt and mad. But you also might want to decide what you want the outcome too be. Do you want him to stay with you or divorce? It hurts reading you are not loved by your husband. That would devastate me beyond belief. You know, if you still don't feel ready to talk with your husband about this yet, have you thought about a therapist or clergy? Perhaps, speaking with a neutral person will help you find the correct path in this situation. No path will be easy, whether you stay with him or divorce him. But I strongly urge to seek out professional help in this matter. It will take several sessions before you know what to do, so don't feel frustrated after the first visit. But I would not do anything stupid, such as trying to humiliated the both of them at this point....I know revenge is very tempting, at this point...but you my live to regret it. You did nothing wrong but trust 2 people, so find a therapist, work through your issues, confront your husband, and I hope whatever you decide, works out for you, b/c you have suffered enough!

Answer 9

The 1997 romantic comedy "My Best Friend's Wedding" which starred Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz and Dermot Mulroney may have some answers for you, directly or indirectly. Watch it and try to think why your husband didn't marry your best friend in the first place. Instead, he chose to marry you years later.



But you will have to agree that it is meaningless to hold on to a marriage when a spouse no longer loves you. Talk to a confidante other than your husband and your best friend. You may indirectly find a solution to your problem when you begin to listen to your own voice while you talk it out.

Answer 10

I understand you're hurt, but the massive email seems like a bad idea. It's an immature way of handling the situation as tempting as it is. What you want is to come off looking better, not equal to them.



Don't talk about this with any common friends or hint at it. One of the friends might know or none of them might. In any case, you don't want it getting back to them.



Your best friend is not your best friend anymore. I know she said to stop but it's because she didn't want to get caught. To make a decision like that and do it more than once makes her a very bad person in general.



I know he's the lawyer and his dad's a judge, but the mother usually gets custody. If you have a steady source of income and are able to provide for your daughter, you have a better chance of having custody. I know he enjoys spending time with her, but just because you have custody doesn't mean he won't see her. Also, since it's a girl, you definitely want her to be with the mother... think of when puberty hits. Your best friend or any other love interest of his is not your daughter's mother and as the women who popped her out (not to be crude) you definitely should have priority. if it does come to this, explain to him how much he hurt you and how taking away your daughter on top of everything would be a major blow.



It's not weird for you to still love your husband. You can't just automatically shut your feelings off. At the same time, knowing that he cheated on you will eat you alive if you just keep it in. Pretending everything's fine will make you crazy. You might want to get a therapist or a counselor to talk to. They do cost money but you might be able to find an inexpensive one and go on the side without your husband knowing. Talking one on one to someone else not involved at all will really help (not your common friends obviously)



I don't think you should just confront them. I think you should take some time to think about this and decide what you want. Just remember that there are other guys out there.



You might want to start dating... I'm not saying you should cheat on your husband because he did it yo you, but the content of his emails confirms that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore, and you deserve to get our there and find love. You don't have to obviously, but if you want to, the option's there. You can obviously wait until you get a divorce if that's what you decide to do. Otherwise, this might help you if it's a temporary fling.



Another thing... he might divorce you eventually. It's important to be wary and know now then to be taken by surprise.



In some cases, having evidence of an affair can get you benefits during a divorce so you might want to print those emails and keep them in a safe at a bank or some place. You could just save them to your computer and email them to yourself (forwarding them directly will leave evidence)



I hope this helps. I know you must feel horrible but you have to realize that your husband made the mess and not you. Put your daughter first and focus on her. remember to think things through before you act. good luck!

Answer 11

Send your daughter to stay with grandma and have a long talk. Tell him you know about the affair, but that you are willing to work it out if he is. Then, make an appt. with a counselor. Unless these feelings are expressed and out in the open, they will just fester and you two will grow further apart. Althogh this method may be more painful in the beginning, in the long run, you will be glad you did it and the counselor can also help you with future communication. Remember. If you feel you are getting nowhere with your counselor, move on to one you like better. (Sometimes, travesty is the best character builder.)

Answer 12

Im so sorry, things like this should never happen. You need to confront him, tell him you know and try to work things out, theres a toddler involved. If things don't work out, you need to stop killing yourself and divorce him. Dont worry about him taking your baby away, your the MOTHER, they never take the child away unless your an unfit mother. Also; you shouldn't stay in the marriage because you feel you have to because of your daughter, you dont want her growing up thinking that everyone has to be unhappy. I was 3-4 when my parents got divorced and im glad they did it while i was young because i dont remember any of it, and im glad they still aren't married and fighting every night, its 6+ the child starts to really remember things. Hope this helps.

Answer 13

No best friend, and your husband should have known better. I hate to hear this, but you must decide on what to do about this. I think you know deep down what you must do now. Take care of you daughter and yourself, life is too short. Get a separation and then seek legal help. No one deserves this. If he is so called in LOVE with this other person, let him go. In time you will find yourself and heal the wounds, you know whats best for you. God bless you.

Answer 14

First off i wanna say im truly sorry and saddened for you and you daughter because i know she may be young but somewhere in her life this will affect her. trust me i know this! the pain that you feel should not be pulled under the covers and just brushed away because that just means you are losing respect for yourself. i know that if it was me i would be like theres no way im going to move over so they can have this great happy life together and take my daughter from me! but honey if you are a good mother with no skeletons in the closet then he would have a very hard time taking her away, plus take i from someone who now has experience with this sorta thing . you need to copy them emails of his because that shows him as an adulter and thats good grounds for you. i know this for a fact that if you have actual prove then your the one with the hand up because adulter is a crime! and did you know you could actually sue her for coming in and breaking up your home!! yep sureis true... i know she was once your bet friend or was suppose to be but rather she called it off or not she was never your best friend.. i would stick it to her honey.. you can email me anytime if you need someone t talk too! i have been through this sorta stuff many many many times in my 6 year marriage.. i hope all goes well...

Answer 15

Hi, wow so much going on. I would go into his email and print this out for your own benefits. Because your husband would be home some time, invite your friend and question them both. Before that act all normal. Put them both on the spot, if they continue to lie then give them a copy of the email that you have printed making sure you have one for yourself. Once that is done make sure you do tell your friend that she is a whore. Please make sure you do have some where to stay for the night as it may be too much to stay in the same room as the cheating husband of yours. Good luck

Answer 16

Wow! You just can't trust anybody these days, If you are going to stay with your husband, what is the point in bringing it up? And if you still want your best friend to be in your life, why bring it to her, eventually she will tell you anyway. If you are not going to cut them both out of your life, bringing it up would be pointless. They will just hurt your feelings even more and possibly lie to you. Decide if you want to stay or leave, know one can tell you that, it has to be your decision, if you do decide to leave, then let them know that you know about their little affair. If you decide to stay, Watch them closely, there will come a time when you will get to call them out on it. By then you will know what to do. Good Luck!

Answer 17

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Are you sure you don't have anyone to talk this over with even one of your parents? While you might find some suggestions on Yahoo helpful, please don't base your decision on answers here as this is too important a matter and there are serious consequences to any actions that you might be considering. Also it is impossible for anyone here to know your complete situation. However, I know someone who currently is in the initial stages of a divorce and it is devastating both emotionally and financially for them with unforeseen events as well. Proceed with caution! I wish you the best out of this.

Answer 18

Wow, I am so sorry,u need to go some seek help.You need to focus on your child she is the most important one, you will never be happy he loves someone else, confronting him is one but u have to know how, he is an asshole and doesn't deserve u, girl u know prayer , the said , the two that god has join together let no man put a slumber. So good luck ok

Answer 19

Wow. I don't care if that was long or not. I read it. & That's just horrible. Guilt Trip them, they deserve it. I mean having an affair THAT long? Your best friend's not really a friend; she's a ***** for doing that to you. & You guy were friends since GRADE school? Yeah, not a real friend. Tell her you know, and that you shouldn't be friends anymore. Think about it, she hurt you deeply, as I said not a real friend. As for your husband, leave him. Tell him you know and you know what? Tell him to go to hell. He's unfaithful and he cheated on you for awhile, you deserve better. As for your daughter, listen: You TELL him that after ALL he did, cheating on you for 1 year after a long marriage and breaking your heart like that? And with your best friend since grade school? Yeah, tell that bastard he should at least do ONE DAMN GOOD thing to you and let you have custody of your daughter. Tell him that, and it's always best for the mother to keep the children anyway. It's best you tell them you know.

Answer 20

divorce. it's the only answer.



Why continue living in a lie where you know he is not in love with you anymore and wanting another woman. He's cheated on you and totally disrespected you and your marriage. He has no respect for himself, you, or his daughter by having this affair. If he wants another woman, he should of been able to have the balls to leave you first before pursuing someone else. And as far as your friend goes... I'm frankly surprised she's still alive. You must be a very tolerant person!

Answer 21

Becca, my 1st thought when reading this was you poor thing.. I truly feel so much empathy for you as I know what you are going through because I unfortunately have had to go through something similar in the past 12 months... Unfortunately as much as you love him, they both have broken your trust and that's why you want to hate them but you can't.. In my circumstances I confronted both my partner of 8 years and my best friend.. I told them both that I knew... My partner asked me not to leave (we have 3 children together).. So i told him that he would have to seek relationship counselling with me. 9 months later it's not perfect but we are getting there. That's what I would suggest. To confront him and ask him what he wants. If he wants to leave then it should be his decision not yours to make. Remember he's the one that strayed not you. Even if it breaks your heart to confront him you have to for your own piece of mind. I would confront her too. If you are truly friends then you have every right to know what she thought and felt to do this behind your back. If she valued your friendship she would not have done this too you. Be strong Becca and just know that honesty is the best in the end.. I hope I have helped

Answer 22

Im so sorry sweetie!!!!! No one deserves to go through this!!! Um about the lawyer and daddy is a judge...I think you have the upper hand with you kids cause he cheated on you and you have proof...Do NOT lose those Emails...Contact a lawer and see what your options are. It varys from state to state..Like in ks if you cheat you lose EVERYTHING no questions asked...Again im sorry! Stand up for yourself and find a man that will truely love you..There's men out there that DONT cheat and treat there wife with love and respect!

Answer 23

Well........I think the SMART thing to do would be to aske your friend out for drinks. Then I would confont the heifer. Show her your proof, and if you put a smakedown on her, that would be icing on the cake, if not.....then that's cool too. Bottom line is you are letting that heifer know that you are NOT going to take this laying down, and she is NO LONGER A PART OF YOUR LIFE. Then............sit back and wait. DO NOT UTTER ONE WORD to your husband. I'm sure that the heifer will say something to him, and he will be waiting on you to attack him. DONT DO IT!!! Dont say ONE WORD to him. He's going to do one of two things 1) confess or 2) think you are goingto kill him because you know about his little secret and you havent made it known to him. He'll know doubt be scared of you, for he wont know whats up your sleeve. And he'll probably be too scaredto cheat again.

Answer 24

The answer is simple really. Now you go to him when you're most comfortable and relaxed and talk to him. Non-confrontationally you explain to him that you know all about the affair. Ask him to talk to you about it when he's open-minded and ready. Tell him you don't want to argue or raise your voice (though it could accidentally happen) but need to talk it through and that you understand it could take some time. You have a history with him. He owes it to you to come clean. You deserve to know if you want to be with him. That will only happen with you both being open-minded and civil about it all. Talk it through...you may want to be with him, you may not...you'll only know through open conversation without arguing. Good luck

Answer 25

You know the woman your husband cheated with is not your friend. There is no way a true friend would have an affair with your husband. Confront him, let him know that you know all about it. If you want to be with your husband he must cut off contact with this woman or the two of you will never be happy. Let him know it's either you or her not both.

Answer 26

yes you should confront him

you cant hide it from him that you know. what good is that going to do?

talk to him and see if he really still feels the way he feels

its not weird that you still love him...

i think the only way to go here is to talk to him and your friend

dont do the email thing, this is a problem to be resolved between you 3.

i hope everything turns out ok, good luck

i hope i sort of helped

Answer 27

no one deserves to be treated that way. tell your husband you know about the affair. I know his dad is a judge but your happiness counts to eventually you will get over him and no best friend has an affair with your husband if any of them want to apologize to you make them work for it. and maybe if you know any of their embarassing secrets you could post em on the internet lol

Answer 28

So what he's a lawyer, you have this email as evidence, you can use it against him. I know you love your husband, but he's in love with your best friend and she is in love with him, but who is left to love you? You have to think about you and your child's well being. Maybe try some counseling or maybe not, just don't sit there and be a door mate anymore. Hope that helped.

Answer 29

i think you need to take action to change your marriage/relationship. you don't have to tell him that you know or tell your friend. but you have to change your marriage to meet your hubby's needs better so he doesn't stray again (unmet needs cause cheating). there's something lacking in your relationship and affairs recur unless it is addressed. start talking to your hubby about his ideas for rejuvenating your relationship and making it exciting and special. start asking him what you could do to make his life more wonderful. learn about his needs. he is hiding a lot (ie he looks like the perfect family man but really isn't). this is the third option. try tantra, try sailing, try anything to increase intimacy with your husband. now that you know there's a him in there that you didn't know, try to get to know that hidden personand all his desires. good luck. you can transform your marriage and now is the perfect time. and you don't need to ever tellthem that you know....until 25 years later "yes i knew"

Answer 30

wow, she just wants him for the emotional support and sex.



and hes in love with her.



i think you should leave him and no longer have that kind of person as a BEST FRIEND.



whoever said run for the hills is so right. make a copy of that email and save it for court

Answer 31

Look I can see a guy getting a little azz on the side here and there but your best friend! That is completely disrespectful and you should divorce him.

Answer 32

I feel bad for you but,wake up!Its 2009 and we don't have to put up with no one crap.You will be hurt and you will get over it.How do you know they wont hook up again?Think about your child and if they loved you so much they would have never screwed!Talk to him don't keep it in your only gonna drive yourself crazy.GOD BLESS

Answer 33

im sorry to say this but it sound like you need to be honest with youself

and then you can honestly tell him how you feel about the affair, and

then if you want to save the marraige get some counseling, but in

the end you have to do what is right for you and your daughter.

Answer 34

She isn't interested in him.



Her guilt is making him unattractive in her eyes. If your feelings for him are challenged as well, his only shot is to come clean. The relationship may not survive it.



It may not survive anyway though.

Answer 35

im really sry the best thing u shud do is move on... how can u live with someone u know that loves sumone else!!! it would kill me inside i wouldnt be able to live with that!! i know it hurst but trust me u will find someone else who will care for you and your daughter n will be faithful... be strong go out with ur friends start dating again... start u life over with someone new... let him regret being with ur bf for the rest of his life... leave it to karma trust me he will suffer... im sorry for the bad news!!!!

Answer 36

yes you need to confront him, or it will eat at your very core if you don't. if you want your marriage to work, then you'll both need to seek professional help, i know this from experience on both sides of my marriage. we worked it out and have been married now for 17 years. bring to light, work it out. good luck to you, God bless

Answer 37

Yeah, confront them. There's no reason to stay in seclusion when you know the clear issue in all of this.

Answer 38

She is not your friend if she is having an affair with your husband, You should divorce him and stop being her friend.

Answer 39

head for the hills babe.No one deserves that.

Answer 40

Since your all good friends, 3 way?