How to SUCCEED in MARRIAGE
What Is Needed for a
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?
Would you choose to dive into a river without first learning to swim? Such a foolish act could be harmful—even deadly. Think, though, of how many people jump into marriage with little awareness of how to take on the responsibilities involved.
JESUS said: "Who of you that wants to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it?" (Luke 14:28) What is true of building a tower is also true of building a marriage. Those who want to get married should carefully count the cost of marriage to make sure they can meet the demands.
A Look at Marriage
Having a mate with whom to share life's joys and sorrows is truly a blessing. Marriage can fill a void caused by loneliness or despair. It can satisfy our inborn craving for love, companionship, and intimacy. With good reason, God said after creating Adam: "It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him."—Genesis 2:18; 24:67; 1 Corinthians 7:9.
Yes, being married can solve some problems. But it will introduce some new ones too. Why? Because marriage is the blending of two distinct personalities that are perhaps compatible but hardly identical. Hence, even well-matched couples will experience occasional conflict. The Christian apostle Paul wrote that those who marry will have "tribulation in their flesh"—or as The New English Bible renders it, "pain and grief in this bodily life."—1 Corinthians 7:28.
Was Paul being pessimistic? Not at all! He was simply urging those considering marriage to be realists. The euphoric feeling of being attracted to someone is not an accurate gauge of what married life will be like in the months and years following the wedding day. Each marriage has its own unique challenges and problems. The question is not whether they will arise but how to face them when they do.
Problems give a husband and wife opportunity to show the genuineness of their love for each other. To illustrate: A cruise ship may seem majestic as it sits idle, moored at a pier. Its true seaworthiness, however, is proved at sea—perhaps even amid the crashing waves of a storm. Similarly, the strength of a marriage bond is not solely defined during peaceful moments of romantic calm. At times, it is proved under trialsome circumstances in which a couple weathers storms of adversity.
"The Best Description of Love I've Ever Read"
"How do you know if you're really in love?" writes Dr. Kevin Leman. "There's an ancient book that contains a description of love. The book is nearly two thousand years old, but it is still the best description of love I've ever read."
Dr. Leman was referring to the Christian apostle Paul's words found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
"Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
To do so, a married couple needs commitment, for God purposed that a man would "stick to his wife" and that the two would "become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) The idea of commitment frightens many people today. Yet, it is only reasonable that two people who truly love each other will want to make a solemn promise to stay together. Commitment accords the marriage dignity. It provides a basis for confidence that, come what may, a husband and wife will support each other.* If you are not ready for such a commitment, you are not really ready for marriage. (Compare Ecclesiastes 5:4, 5.) Even those who are already married may need to enhance their appreciation of how vital commitment is to an enduring marriage.
Even those long married can strengthen their marriage bonds
A Look at Yourself
No doubt you can list the qualities you would want in a mate. It is much more difficult, however, to look at yourself to determine how you can contribute to a marriage. Self-scrutiny is vital, both before and after taking the vows of wedlock. For example, ask yourself the following questions.
• Am I willing to make a lifelong commitment to my mate?—Matthew 19:6.
In the days of the Bible prophet Malachi, many husbands left their mates, perhaps to marry younger women. Jehovah said that his altar was covered with the tears of the abandoned wives, and he condemned men who thus "dealt treacherously" with their mates.—Malachi 2:13-16.
• If I am thinking about getting married, am I past the youthful age when sexual feelings run quite strong and can distort good judgment?—1 Corinthians 7:36.
"It is very risky to get married too young," says Nikki, who was 22 when she married. She cautions: "Your feelings, goals, and tastes will continue to change from the time you are in your late teens until you are in your mid-to-late 20's." Of course, readiness for marriage cannot be measured by age alone. Nevertheless, marrying when one is not past the youthful stage when sexual feelings are new and especially strong can distort one's thinking and blind one to potential problems.
• What traits do I have that will help me contribute to a successful marriage?—Galatians 5:22, 23.
The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians: "Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering." (Colossians 3:12) This counsel is appropriate for those who are contemplating marriage as well as for those who are already married.
• Do I have the maturity needed to support a mate through difficult times?—Galatians 6:2.
"When problems occur," says one doctor, "the tendency is to blame the mate. Who is to blame is not what is most important. Rather, it is how both husband and wife can cooperate to improve the marital relationship." The words of wise King Solomon apply to married couples. "Two are better than one," he wrote, "for if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?"—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
• Am I generally cheerful and optimistic, or am I predominantly gloomy and negative?—Proverbs 15:15.
A negative person views each day as bad. Marriage does not miraculously change this attitude! A single person—man or woman—who is largely critical or pessimistic will simply become a married person who is just as critical or pessimistic. Such a negative outlook can put a terrible strain on a marriage.—Compare Proverbs 21:9.
• Do I keep calm under pressure, or do I give in to uncontrolled expressions of rage?—Galatians 5:19, 20.
Christians are commanded to be "slow about wrath." (James 1:19) Before marriage and during marriage, a man or a woman should cultivate the ability to live by this counsel: "Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state."—Ephesians 4:26.
A Look at Your Prospective Partner
"The shrewd one considers his steps," states a Bible proverb. (Proverbs 14:15) This is certainly true when selecting a marriage mate. Choosing a marriage mate is one of the most important decisions a man or woman will ever make. Yet, it has been observed that many people spend more time deciding which car to buy or which school to attend than which person to marry.
In the Christian congregation, those who are entrusted with responsibility are "tested as to fitness first." (1 Timothy 3:10) If you are thinking about getting married, you will want to be sure of the "fitness" of the other person. Consider, for example, the following questions. Though they are presented from the standpoint of a woman, many of the principles also apply to a man. And even those who are married can beneficially consider these points.
• What kind of reputation does he have?—Philippians 2:19-22.
Proverbs 31:23 describes a husband who is "known in the gates, when he sits down with the older men of the land." The older men of the city sat at the city gates to render judgment. So, evidently, he had a position of public trust. The way a man is viewed by others tells something about his reputation. If applicable, consider also the way he is viewed by those under his authority. This may indicate how you, as his mate, will in time come to view him.—Compare 1 Samuel 25:3, 23-25.
• What kind of morals does he have?
Godly wisdom is "first of all chaste." (James 3:17) Is your prospective mate more interested in his own sexual gratification than in his and your standing before God? If he is not putting forth an effort to live by God's moral standards now, what basis is there for believing that he will do so after marriage?—Genesis 39:7-12.
• How does he treat me?—Ephesians 5:28, 29.
The Bible book of Proverbs tells of a husband who "has put trust" in his wife. Moreover, "he praises her." (Proverbs 31:11, 28) He is not obsessively jealous, nor is he unreasonable in his expectations. James wrote that the wisdom from above is "peaceable, reasonable, . . . full of mercy and good fruits."—James 3:17.
How does he treat his parents?
• How does he treat members of his own family?—Exodus 20:12.
Respect for parents is not just a requirement for children. The Bible says: "Listen to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old." (Proverbs 23:22) Interestingly, Dr. W. Hugh Missildine wrote: "Many marital difficulties and incompatibilities might be avoided—or at least foreseen—if the prospective bride and groom visited one another's homes casually and observed the relationship between the 'intended' and his parents. The way he looks at his parents will be the coloration through which he will see his spouse. One must ask: 'Do I want to be treated as he treats his parents?' And the way his parents treat him will be a good indication of how he will treat himself and how he will expect you to behave toward him—after the honeymoon."
Emotions Can Be Deceptive
The Shulammite girl of Bible times was evidently well aware of the deceptive power of romantic feelings. When being wooed by powerful King Solomon, she told her girl companions "not to awaken or arouse love in me until it feels inclined." (Song of Solomon 2:7) This wise young woman did not want her friends to pressure her into being ruled by her emotions. This is practical, too, for those considering marriage today. Keep a strong grip on your feelings. If you marry, it should be because you are in love with a person, not merely with the concept of being married.
• Is he given to fits of anger or abusive speech?
The Bible counsels: "Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you." (Ephesians 4:31) Paul warned Timothy of some Christians who would be "mentally diseased over questionings and debates about words" and who would give way to "envy, strife, abusive speeches, wicked suspicions, violent disputes about trifles."—1 Timothy 6:4, 5.
In addition, Paul wrote that one who qualifies for special privileges in the congregation should be "not a smiter"—according to the original Greek, "not dealing blows." (1 Timothy 3:3, footnote) He cannot be one who strikes people physically or browbeats them verbally. A person who is prone to become violent in a moment of anger is not a suitable marriage partner.
• What are his goals?
Some pursue riches and reap the inevitable consequences. (1 Timothy 6:9, 10) Others drift aimlessly through life with no goals to reach. (Proverbs 6:6-11) A godly man, however, will show the same determination as did Joshua, who said: "As for me and my household, we shall serve Jehovah."—Joshua 24:15.
Rewards and Responsibilities
Marriage is a divine institution. It was authorized and established by Jehovah God. (Genesis 2:22-24) He designed the marital arrangement in order to form a permanent bond between a man and a woman so that they might be mutually helpful to each other. When Bible principles are applied, a husband and wife can expect their lot in life to be a joyful one.—Ecclesiastes 9:7-9.
It must be realized, though, that we are living in "critical times hard to deal with." The Bible foretold that during this period of time, people would be "lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, . . . disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, . . . betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride." (2 Timothy 3:1-4) These traits can have a potent impact upon one's marriage. Thus, those who are considering getting married should soberly count the cost. And those who are now married should continue to work at improving their union by learning and applying divine guidance found in the Bible.
Yes, those contemplating marriage will do well to look beyond the wedding day. And all should consider not only the act of getting married but also the life of being married. Look to Jehovah for guidance so that you will think realistically rather than just romantically. By doing so, you will be more likely to enjoy a successful marriage.
Families that look to Jehovah for guidance are more likely to succeed. "Large Families United in God's Service" is the concluding article of this series.
LARGE FAMILIES UNITED
IN GOD'S SERVICE
"Sons are an inheritance from Jehovah," wrote the psalmist. "The fruitage of the belly is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the sons of youth. Happy is the able-bodied man that has filled his quiver with them."—Psalm 127:3-5.
In this series:
Are You Thinking About Marriage?
What Is Needed for a Successful Marriage?
Large Families United in God's Service
Related topics:
Wholesome Communication—A Key to a Good Marriage
Can We Save Our Marriage?
When a Mate is Unfaithful
YES, children can be a blessing from Jehovah. And just as an archer finds satisfaction in knowing how to direct the arrows in his quiver, so parents find happiness when they direct their children along the path that leads to everlasting life.—Matthew 7:14.
Long ago, families having their 'quivers filled' with many children were common among God's people. Think, for example, of their years of captivity in Egypt: "The sons of Israel became fruitful and began to swarm; and they kept on multiplying and growing mightier at a very extraordinary rate, so that the land got to be filled with them." (Exodus 1:7) A comparison of the number of Israelites that entered Egypt with the number that left suggests that families having ten children were average in size!
Later, Jesus grew up in a family that might seem large to many today. Jesus was the firstborn, but Joseph and Mary had four other sons and some daughters. (Matthew 13:54-56) That they had so many children likely explains how Mary and Joseph could begin a return journey from Jerusalem without realizing that Jesus was missing from their group.—Luke 2:42-46.
Large Families Today
Today, many Christians decide to limit the size of their families for spiritual, economic, social, and other reasons. Nevertheless, large families remain the norm in many societies. According to The State of the World's Children 1997, the region with the highest fertility rate is sub-Saharan Africa. There, the average woman gives birth to six children.
For Christian parents of large families, bringing up their children so that they love Jehovah is not easy, but many are successfully doing so. Success depends on the family's being united in pure worship. The apostle Paul's words to the congregation in Corinth apply with equal force to Christian families today. He wrote: "Now I exhort you, brothers, . . . that you should all speak in agreement, and that there should not be divisions among you, but that you may be fitly united in the same mind and in the same line of thought." (1 Corinthians 1:10) How may such unity be achieved?
Parents Must Be Spiritual People
A key factor is that parents must be fully devoted to God. Consider what Moses said to the Israelites: "Listen, O Israel: Jehovah our God is one Jehovah. And you must love Jehovah your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your vital force. And these words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up."—Deuteronomy 6:4-7.
Notice that Moses pointed out that the commandments of God needed to be 'on the hearts' of the parents. Only then would the parents be inclined to impart regular spiritual instruction to their children. In fact, when parents are spiritually strong, they are eager to instruct their children in spiritual matters.
To become a spiritual person and to love Jehovah with all one's heart, it is vital to read, meditate on, and apply God's Word regularly. The psalmist wrote that the one who delights in the law of Jehovah and who reads in it "day and night" will "become like a tree planted by streams of water, that gives its own fruit in its season and the foliage of which does not wither, and everything he does will succeed."—Psalm 1:2, 3.
Just as a tree bears good fruit if it is consistently watered, so, too, spiritually nourished families bear godly fruitage, to Jehovah's praise. Typical is the family of Uwadiegwu, who lives in West Africa. Though Uwadiegwu and his wife have eight children, both serve as regular pioneers, or full-time ministers of Jehovah's Witnesses. He says: "Our family has maintained a regular family Bible study for over 20 years. We have taught the children God's Word from when they were infants, not only during our family study but in the ministry and at other times. All our children are proclaimers of the Kingdom good news, and only the youngest, who is six years old, is not yet baptized."
Working as a Team
"By wisdom a household will be built up," says the Bible. (Proverbs 24:3) Within the family, such wisdom produces teamwork. The "captain" of the family team is the father; he is the God-appointed head of the household. (1 Corinthians 11:3) The inspired apostle Paul stressed the seriousness of the responsibility of headship when he wrote: "If anyone does not provide [both materially and spiritually] for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith."—1 Timothy 5:8.
In harmony with this counsel from God's Word, Christian husbands need to care for the spirituality of their wives. If wives are burdened down with household chores, their spirituality will suffer. In one African land, a newly baptized Christian complained to the elders in his congregation that his wife seemed apathetic about spiritual matters. The elders suggested that his wife needed practical help. So the husband began to help her with household chores. He also spent time helping her to improve her reading and her knowledge of the Bible. She responded well, and now the entire family is united in God's service.
Fathers also need to concern themselves with the spirituality of their children. Paul wrote: "You, fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah." (Ephesians 6:4) When parents heed the admonition not to irritate their children, as well as the direction to train them, the children feel that they are part of a family team. As a result, children are likely to help and encourage one another to achieve spiritual goals.
Teamwork involves giving children spiritual responsibilities when they are ready for them. One father, a Christian elder with 11 children, wakes up early in the morning and conducts studies with several of them before he leaves for work. The older ones, after their baptism, take turns helping their younger brothers and sisters, which includes sharing in teaching them the Bible. The father supervises, commending their efforts. Six of the children are baptized, and the others continue to work toward that goal.
Good Communication, Shared Goals
Vital to united families is loving communication and shared spiritual goals. Gordon, a Christian elder who lives in Nigeria, is the father of seven children ranging from 11 to 27 years of age. Six of them are pioneers, like the parents. The youngest, recently baptized, regularly shares in the disciple-making work with the rest of the family. The two adult sons are ministerial servants in the congregation.
Gordon personally conducted Bible studies with each of his children. Besides that, the family has a comprehensive program of Bible education. Every morning they gather to consider a Bible text and then prepare for the congregation meetings.
One of the goals set for each family member is to read all articles in the Watchtower and Awake! magazines. Recently, they added daily Bible reading to their routine. By talking about what they read, family members encourage one another to continue the habit.
The weekly family Bible study is so well established that nobody needs a reminder—everyone looks forward to it. Over the years, the content, structure, and duration of the family study have varied with the ages and needs of the children. The family has drawn close to other faithful servants of God, and this has had a beneficial effect on the children.
As a family, they do things together and set aside time for recreation. Once a week they enjoy a "family evening," which features quizzes, tasteful jokes, piano playing, storytelling, and general relaxation. Occasionally, they go to the beach and other places of interest.
Relying on Jehovah
None of the above minimizes the difficulty of rearing large families. "It is a great challenge to be a good father to eight children," said one Christian. "It requires abundant material and spiritual food to sustain them; I must work hard to earn enough money to support them. The older children are in their teens, and all eight attend school. I know that spiritual training is vital, yet some of my children are stubborn and disobedient. They sadden me, but I know I sometimes do things to sadden Jehovah's heart, and he forgives me. So I must patiently continue to correct my children until they come to their senses.
"I try to follow Jehovah's example in that he is patient with us because he desires all to attain to repentance. I study with my family, and some of my children are working toward the goal of baptism. I do not depend on my own strength to achieve results; my power can accomplish little. I try to draw ever closer to Jehovah in prayer and to apply the proverb that says: 'Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your path straight.' Jehovah will help me to accomplish the training of my children."—Proverbs 3:5, 6.
Never Give Up!
Sometimes the training of children may seem to be a thankless task, but do not ever give up! Keep at it! If your children do not respond positively to or appreciate your efforts now, they may do so later. It takes time for a child to grow up to be a Christian bearing the fruitage of the spirit.—Galatians 5:22, 23.
Monica, who lives in Kenya, is one of ten children. She says: "My parents taught us Bible truth from our infancy. Dad would study the Christian publications with us every week. Because of his work, the study was not always on the same day. Sometimes, as he was coming home from work, he would see us playing outside and tell us that in five minutes we were all to come inside for our Bible study. After our Bible study, we were encouraged to ask questions or discuss any problems.
"He made sure that we associated with godly children. Dad regularly visited the school to ask the teachers about our conduct. On one visit he heard that my three older brothers had fought with other boys and that they were sometimes rude. Dad punished them for misbehaving, but he also took time to explain from the Scriptures why they needed to conduct themselves in a godly way.
"Our parents showed us the benefits of attending meetings by preparing meeting parts with us. We were trained to become ministers by having practice sessions at home. From infancy we accompanied our parents in field service.
"Today, two older brothers are special pioneers, one sister is a regular pioneer, and another sister, who is married and has a family, is a zealous Witness. My two younger sisters, 18 and 16 years old, are baptized publishers. The two younger boys are being trained. I have been serving at the Kenya branch office of Jehovah's Witnesses for three years. I love and appreciate my parents because they are spiritual people; they set a fine example for us."
No matter how many children you have, never give up in helping them along the path to everlasting life. As Jehovah blesses your efforts, you will echo the words of the apostle John about his spiritual children: "No greater cause for thankfulness do I have than these things, that I should be hearing that my children go on walking in the truth."—3 John 4.
Can We Save Our Marriage?
In this series:
Trapped in a Loveless Marriage
Why Does Love Fade?
Is There Reason for Hope?
Your Marriage Can Be Saved!
Related topics:
How To Succeed in Marriage
The Family Under Threat—Will it Survive?
When A Mate Is Unfaithful
Why Does Love Fade?
"It seems much easier to fall into love than to stay in love."—Dr. Karen Kayser.
The proliferation of loveless marriages is perhaps not surprising. Marriage is a complex human relationship, and many enter it with little preparation. "We are required to demonstrate some proficiency when obtaining a driver's license," observes Dr. Dean S. Edell, "but marriage licenses can be had for a signature."
Hence, while many marriages thrive and are truly happy, a number experience strain. Perhaps one or both spouses entered marriage with high expectations but lack the skills that are necessary for a long-term relationship. "When people first become close," explains Dr. Harry Reis, "they feel a tremendous sense of validation from each other." They feel as if their partner were "the only other person on earth who sees things as they do. That feeling sometimes fades, and when it does, it can take a heavy toll on the marriage."
Happily, many marriages do not come to that point. But let us briefly consider a few of the factors that in some cases have caused love to fade.
Disillusionment—"This Is Not What I Expected"
"When I married Jim," says Rose, "I thought we'd be the local version of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming—all romance and tenderness and consideration for each other." Yet, after a while, Rose's "prince" didn't seem so charming. "I ended up being terribly disappointed in him," she says.
Many movies, books, and popular songs paint an unrealistic portrait of love. While courting, a man and a woman may feel that they are experiencing a dream come true; but after a few years of marriage, they conclude that truly they must have been dreaming! Anything less than a storybook romance might make a workable marriage seem like an utter failure.
Of course, some expectations in marriage are entirely proper. For example, it is appropriate to expect love, attention, and support from one's mate. Yet, even these wishes may go unfulfilled. "I almost feel that I am not married," says Meena, a young bride in India. "I feel lonely and neglected."
Incompatibility—"We Have Nothing in Common"
"My husband and I are about 180 degrees apart on virtually everything," says one woman. "Not a day passes that I don't bitterly regret my decision to marry him. We are just badly mismatched."
Usually it does not take long for a married couple to discover that they are not as much alike as they seemed to be during courtship. "Marriage often showcases characteristics that the partners had managed to hide from themselves throughout their single lives," writes Dr. Nina S. Fields.
As a result, after marriage some couples may conclude that they are completely incompatible. "Despite some similarities in taste and personality, most people enter marriage with major differences in style, habits, and attitudes," says Dr. Aaron T. Beck. Many couples do not know how to reconcile those differences.
How Are Children Affected?
Can the quality of your marriage affect your children? According to Dr. John Gottman, who has researched married couples for some 20 years, the answer is yes. "In two ten-year studies," he says, "we found that babies of unhappy parents have higher heart rates during playful interactions and aren't as able to soothe themselves. Over time, marital conflict leads to lower achievement in school, regardless of the children's IQ." In contrast, Dr. Gottman says, children of well-adjusted married couples "do better both scholastically and socially, because their parents have shown them how to treat other people with respect and handle emotional upsets."
Conflict—"We're Always Arguing"
"We were amazed at how much we were fighting—yelling even, or worse, steaming around in silence for days," says Cindy, reflecting on the early days of her marriage.
In marriage, disagreements are inevitable. But how are they handled? "In a healthy marriage," writes Dr. Daniel Goleman, "husband and wife feel free to voice a complaint. But too often in the heat of anger complaints are expressed in a destructive fashion, as an attack on the spouse's character."
When this happens, conversation is a battleground where viewpoints are defended with grim determination and words are weapons instead of tools of communication. Says one team of experts: "One of the most damaging things about arguments that are escalating out of control is that partners tend to say things that threaten the very lifeblood of their marriage."
Apathy—"We've Given Up"
"I've given up on trying to make our marriage work," confessed one woman after five years of marriage. "I know that it will never work now. So all I'm concerned about is our kids."
It has been said that the true opposite of love is not hate but apathy. Indeed, indifference can be every bit as destructive to a marriage as hostility.
Sadly, though, some spouses become so accustomed to a loveless marriage that they give up all hope of any change. For example, one husband said that being married for 23 years resembled "being in a job you don't like." He added: "You do the best you can in the situation." Similarly, a wife named Wendy has given up hope for her husband of seven years. "I tried so many times," she says, "and he always let me down. I ended up in a depression. I don't want to go through that again. If I get my hopes up, I'll only get hurt. I'd sooner expect nothing—I won't enjoy things, but at least I won't get depressed."
Disillusionment, incompatibility, conflict, and apathy are just some of the factors that may contribute to a loveless marriage. Obviously, there are more—a few of which are noted in the box below. Regardless of the cause, is there hope for spouses who seem to be trapped in a loveless marriage? Please consider the next article: "Is There Reason for Hope?"
Loveless Marriages—Some Other Factors
Money: "One might imagine that budgeting would help unite a couple through the necessity of working together, pooling their resources for the basics of living, and enjoying the fruits of their labors. But here, too, what could bond a couple in a joint venture often serves to separate them."—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.
Parenthood: "We've found that 67 percent of couples experience a significant drop in marital contentment after their first child is born, and there is eight times more conflict. This is partly because parents are tired and don't have a lot of time for themselves."—Dr. John Gottman.
Deceit: "Infidelity usually involves deceit, and deceit, pure and simple, is a betrayal of trust. With trust identified as a crucial component in all successful long-term marriages, is it any wonder that deceit can wreak havoc on a marital relationship?"—Dr. Nina S. Fields.
Sex: "By the time people file for divorce, sexual deprivation of many years' standing is shockingly common. In some cases the sexual relationship was never established, and in others, sex was mechanical, merely a vent for one partner's physical needs."—Judith S. Wallerstein, clinical psychologist.
Is There Reason for Hope?
"One problem in distressed marriages is the strong belief that things cannot get better. Such a belief thwarts change because it robs you of the motivation to try anything constructive."—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.
Imagine that you are in pain and go to the doctor for a checkup. You are anxious—and understandably so. After all, your health—even your very life—may be at stake. But suppose that after the examination, the doctor gives you the good news that while your problem is by no means trivial, it can be treated. In fact, the doctor tells you that if you carefully adhere to a reasonable program of diet and exercise, you can expect a full recovery. You would undoubtedly feel greatly relieved and would gladly follow his advice!
Compare this scenario to the subject at hand. Are you experiencing pain in your marriage? Of course, every marriage will have its share of problems and disagreements. So just having some difficult moments in your relationship does not mean that you have a loveless marriage. But what if the painful situation persists for weeks, months, or even years? If so, you are rightly concerned, for this is no trivial matter. Indeed, the quality of your marriage can touch virtually every aspect of your life—and that of your children. It is believed, for instance, that marital distress can be a major factor in such problems as depression, low worker productivity, and children's failure at school. But that is not all. Christians recognize that the relationship they have with their mate can affect their very relationship with God.—1 Peter 3:7.
The fact that there are problems between you and your spouse does not mean that the situation is hopeless. Facing the reality of marriage—that there will be challenges—can help a couple to put their problems in perspective and work toward solutions. A husband named Isaac says: "I had no idea that it was normal for couples to go up and down in their level of happiness over the course of a marriage. I thought there was something wrong with us!"
Even if your marriage has deteriorated to a loveless state, it can be saved. Granted, the wounds resulting from a troubled relationship may be deep, especially if problems have persisted for years. Still, there is strong reason for hope. Motivation is a crucial factor. Even two people with serious marital problems can make improvements if it means enough to both of them.*
So ask yourself, 'How strong is my desire to attain a satisfying relationship?' Are you and your mate willing to put forth effort to improve your marriage? Dr. Beck, quoted earlier, says: "I have often been surprised at how an apparently bad relationship can be helped when partners work together to correct deficits and reinforce the strong points of their marriage." But what if your spouse is reluctant to join in? Or what if he or she seems oblivious to the fact that there is a problem? Is it futile for you to work on the marriage alone? By no means! "If you make some changes," says Dr. Beck, "this in itself may prompt changes in your partner—it very often does."
Do not hastily conclude that this cannot happen in your case. Such defeatist thinking may in itself be the greatest threat to your marriage! One of you needs to take the first step. Can it be you? Once the momentum is established, your spouse may see the benefit of working along with you toward building a happier marriage.
What can you do, therefore—either as an individual or as a couple—to save your marriage? The Bible is a powerful aid in answering this question. Let us see how.
* Admittedly, in certain extreme cases, there may be valid reasons for a husband and wife to separate. (1 Corinthians 7:10, 11) In addition, the Bible allows for divorce on the grounds of fornication. (Matthew 19:9) Whether to obtain a divorce from an unfaithful mate is a personal decision, and others should not pressure the innocent mate into deciding one way or the other.—See the book The Secret of Family Happiness, pages 158-61, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
Your Marriage Can Be Saved!
The Bible abounds with practical counsel that can benefit husbands and wives. This is hardly surprising, for the One who inspired the Bible is also the Originator of the marriage arrangement.
The Bible paints a realistic picture of marriage. It acknowledges that a husband and wife will have "tribulation" or, as the New English Bible renders it, "pain and grief." (1 Corinthians 7:28) Yet, the Bible also says that marriage can and should produce joy, even ecstasy. (Proverbs 5:18, 19) These two thoughts are not contradictory. They merely show that despite serious problems, a couple can attain a close and loving relationship.
Is that lacking in your marriage? Has pain and disappointment overshadowed the intimacy and joy that once characterized your relationship? Even if your marriage has been in a loveless state for many years, what was lost can be found. Of course, you have to be realistic. No imperfect man and woman are able to achieve a perfect marriage. Nevertheless, there are steps that you can take to reverse negative trends.
While reading the following material, try to identify which points particularly apply to your marriage. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of your mate, select a few suggestions that you can put into practice, and apply the Scriptural counsel. You may find that there is more hope for your marriage than you realized.
Let us first discuss attitude because your view of commitment and your feelings toward your spouse are of utmost importance.
Your View of Commitment
A long-term view is essential if you are going to work on your marriage. After all, the marital arrangement was designed by God to link two humans inseparably. (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4, 5) Hence, your relationship with your spouse is not like a job that you can quit or an apartment that you can escape from by simply breaking the lease and moving out. Rather, when getting married you made a solemn promise to stick with your mate, come what may. A deep sense of commitment conforms to what Jesus Christ stated nearly 2,000 years ago: "What God has yoked together let no man put apart."—Matthew 19:6.
Some might say, 'Well, we're still together. Isn't this proof that we have a sense of commitment?' Perhaps. However, as noted at the outset of this series, some couples who stay together are stuck in stagnant waters, trapped in a loveless marriage. Your goal is to make your marriage enjoyable, not just endurable. Commitment should reflect loyalty not only to the institution of marriage but also to the person whom you have vowed to love and cherish.—Ephesians 5:33.
The things you say to your mate can reveal just how deep your commitment is. For example, in the heat of an argument, some husbands and wives make rash statements such as "I'm leaving you!" or "I'm going to find someone who appreciates me!" Even if such comments are not meant literally, they undermine commitment by implying that the door is always open and that the speaker is ever poised and ready to walk through it.
To restore love in your marriage, eliminate such threats from your conversations. After all, would you decorate an apartment if you knew that any day you might be moving out of it? Why, then, expect your mate to work on a marriage that may not last? Determine that you will try earnestly to work toward solutions.
This is what one wife did after going through a turbulent period with her husband. "As much as I disliked him at times, I didn't think about getting out of the relationship," she says. "Whatever was broken, we were going to fix it somehow. And now, after two very rocky years, I can honestly say that we are quite happy together again."
Yes, commitment means teamwork—not just coexisting but working toward a common goal. However, you may feel that at this point it is only a sense of duty that is keeping your marriage together. If this is so, do not despair. It may be that love can be recaptured. How?
Throw The Ball Gently
The Bible states: "Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt, so as to know how you ought to give an answer to each one." (Colossians 4:6) This certainly applies in marriage! To illustrate: In a game of catch, you toss the ball so that it can be caught easily. You do not fling it with such force that you injure your partner. Apply the same principle when speaking with your spouse. Hurling bitter remarks will only cause harm. Instead, speak gently—with graciousness—so that your mate can catch your point.
Honoring Your Spouse
The Bible states: "Let marriage be honorable among all." (Hebrews 13:4; Romans 12:10) Forms of the Greek word here translated "honorable" are rendered elsewhere in the Bible as "dear," "esteemed," and "precious." When we highly value something, we make painstaking efforts to care for it. Perhaps you have noted that to be true of a man who owns an expensive new car. He keeps his precious car shining and in good repair. To him even a minor scratch is a major catastrophe! Other people take similar care of their health. Why? Because they value their well-being, and so they want to safeguard it.
Show the same protective care for your marriage. The Bible says that love "hopes all things." (1 Corinthians 13:7) Instead of giving in to defeatist thinking—perhaps writing off the potential for improvement by saying, "We were never really in love," "We married too young," or "We didn't know what we were doing"—why not hope for better things and work toward improvement, waiting patiently for results? "I hear so many of my clients intone, 'I can't handle it anymore!'" says one marriage counselor. "Instead of dissecting the relationship to see which parts of it need improvement, they hastily junk the entire endeavor, including the values they do share, the history they've carefully assembled, and any potential for the future."
What history do you share with your mate? Regardless of the difficulties in your relationship, surely you can think of pleasant times, accomplishments, and challenges that you faced as a team. Reflect on these occasions, and show that you honor your marriage and your marriage mate by sincerely working to improve your relationship. The Bible shows that Jehovah God takes a keen interest in how marriage mates treat each other. For example, in the prophet Malachi's day, Jehovah censured Israelite husbands who dealt treacherously with their wives by frivolously divorcing them. (Malachi 2:13-16) Christians want their marriage to bring honor to Jehovah God.
New Mate, Same Problems
Some spouses who feel trapped in a loveless marriage are tempted to start all over with a new mate. But the Bible condemns adultery, stating that a person who engages in this sin "is in want of heart ["is a senseless fool," New English Bible]" and "is bringing his own soul to ruin." (Proverbs 6:32) Ultimately, the unrepentant adulterer loses God's favor—the worst kind of ruin possible.—Hebrews 13:4.
The utter foolishness of an adulterous course is shown in other ways too. For one thing, the adulterer who takes on a new spouse is likely to be confronted with the same problems that plagued his first marriage. Dr. Diane Medved brings up another factor to consider: "The first thing your new mate learned about you," she says, "was that you're willing to be unfaithful. He or she knows that you can be deceptive to one you've promised to honor. That you're great with excuses. That you can be distracted away from commitment. That sensory pleasure or ego gratification are bait that you'll follow. . . . How does spouse number two know that you won't be lured away again?"
Conflict—How Serious?
A chief factor in loveless marriages seems to be an inability of the husband and wife to manage conflict. Since no two people are exactly alike, all marriages will have occasional disagreements. But couples who are constantly at odds may find that over the years their love has cooled. They might even conclude, 'We're just not well matched. We're always fighting!'
Yet, the mere presence of conflict does not have to be the death knell of a marriage. The question is, How is conflict handled? In a successful marriage, the husband and wife have learned to talk about their problems without becoming, as one doctor calls it, "intimate enemies."
Reminisce!
Read letters and cards from the past. Look at pictures. Ask yourself, 'What drew me to my partner? What qualities did I most admire? What activities did we share in? What made us laugh?' Then talk about these memories with your spouse. A conversation that starts with the phrase "Remember the time . . . ?" may help you and your spouse to revive the feelings that you once shared.
"The Power of the Tongue"
Do you and your mate know how to talk about your problems? Both should be willing to talk them out. Truly, this is a skill—one that can be challenging to learn. Why? For one thing, all of us occasionally "stumble in word" because of being imperfect. (James 3:2) Then, too, some were raised in homes where a parent's anger was unleashed on a regular basis. From an early age, they were, in a sense, trained to believe that temperamental outbursts and abusive speech are normal. A boy raised in such an environment may grow up to become "a man given to anger," one who is "disposed to rage." (Proverbs 29:22) Similarly, a girl with such an upbringing may become "a bitter-tongued and angry woman." (Proverbs 21:19, The Bible in Basic English) It can be difficult to uproot strongly entrenched patterns of thinking and interacting.*
Managing conflict, then, involves learning new ways to express one's thoughts. This is no trivial matter, for a Bible proverb states: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21) Yes, simple as it may sound, how you talk to your spouse has the potential to destroy your relationship or to revive it. "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword," says another Bible proverb, "but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing."—Proverbs 12:18.
Do your words hurt, or do they heal? Even if your mate seems to be the prime offender in this regard, give thought to the things that you say during a disagreement. Do your words hurt, or do they heal? Do they provoke rage or mollify it? "A word causing pain makes anger to come up," says the Bible. In contrast, "an answer, when mild, turns away rage." (Proverbs 15:1) Words causing pain—even if they are spoken calmly—will inflame the situation.
Of course, if something disturbs you, you have a right to express yourself. (Genesis 21:9-12) But you can do so without resorting to sarcasm, insults, and put-downs. Set firm boundaries for yourself—some things that you will resolve not to say to your mate, such as "I hate you" or "I wish we had never married." And although the Christian apostle Paul was not specifically discussing marriage, it is wise to avoid getting caught up in what he called "debates about words" and "violent disputes about trifles."# (1 Timothy 6:4, 5) If your spouse uses such methods, you do not have to respond in kind. As far as it depends upon you, pursue peace.—Romans 12:17, 18; Philippians 2:14.
Admittedly, when tempers flare, it is difficult to control one's speech. "The tongue is a fire," says the Bible writer James. "Not one of mankind can get it tamed. An unruly injurious thing, it is full of death-dealing poison." (James 3:6, 8) What can you do, then, when anger begins to build? How can you speak to your mate in a manner that will quell the conflict rather than add fuel to it?
Defusing Explosive Arguments
Some have found that it is easier to slow down anger and address underlying issues if they put emphasis on their feelings rather than on their mate's actions. For example, "I feel hurt because of what you said" is much more effective than "You hurt me" or "You should know better than to say that." Of course, when expressing how you feel, the tone of your voice should not be laced with bitterness or contempt. Your objective should be to highlight the problem rather than attack the person.—Genesis 27:46-28:1.
In addition, always remember that there is "a time to keep quiet and a time to speak." (Ecclesiastes 3:7) When two people are talking at the same time, neither one is listening, and nothing is accomplished. So when it is your turn to listen, be "swift about hearing, slow about speaking." Equally important, be "slow about wrath." (James 1:19) Do not take literally every harsh word that your mate utters; neither "hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended." (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Instead, try to perceive the feelings behind your mate's words. "The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger," says the Bible, "and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression." (Proverbs 19:11) Insight can help a husband or wife look beneath the surface of a disagreement.
For example, a wife's complaint that her husband does not spend time with her is likely not simply about hours and minutes. It may have more to do with her feeling neglected or unappreciated. Similarly, a husband's grievance concerning an impulsive purchase that his wife made is probably not just about dollars and cents. It may be more about his feeling left out of the decision-making process. The husband or wife having insight will probe beneath the surface and get to the core of the problem.—Proverbs 16:23.
Is this easier said than done? Absolutely! Sometimes, despite the best of efforts, unkind words will be spoken and tempers will flare. When you see this start to happen, you may need to follow the advice of Proverbs 17:14: "Before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave." There is nothing wrong with postponing the discussion until feelings have cooled down. If it is difficult to talk without things getting out of hand, it may be advisable to have a mature friend sit down with the two of you and help you to sort through your differences.%
Maintain a Realistic Outlook
Do not be discouraged if your marriage is not what you envisioned it would be during courtship. Says one team of experts: "Unending bliss is just not what marriage is like for most people. It's wonderful at times and very hard at other times."
Yes, marriage may not be a storybook romance, but neither does it have to be a tragedy. While there will be times when you and your spouse will just have to put up with each other, there will also be occasions when you can put your differences aside and just enjoy being together, having fun, and talking to each other as friends. (Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:13) These are the times when you may be able to rekindle the love that has faded.
Remember, two imperfect humans cannot have a perfect marriage. But they can find a measure of happiness. Indeed, even with difficulties, the relationship between you and your spouse can be a wellspring of immense satisfaction. One thing is certain: If both you and your mate put forth effort and are willing to be flexible and seek the advantage of the other person, there is good reason to believe that your marriage can be saved.—1 Corinthians 10:24.
Wisdom From Bible Proverbs
Proverbs 10:19: "In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly."
When you are upset, you may say more than you mean to—and later regret it.
Proverbs 15:18: "An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling."
Stinging accusations will likely make your spouse defensive, whereas patient listening will help both of you work toward a resolution.
Proverbs 17:27: "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit."
When you sense that anger is building, it is best to keep quiet so as to avoid a full-blown confrontation.
Proverbs 29:11: "All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last."
Self-control is vital. A temperamental outburst of harsh words will only alienate your spouse.
* Parental influence does not excuse harsh speech directed at one's mate. However, it may help explain how such a tendency can become deeply ingrained and difficult to uproot.
# The original Greek word translated "violent disputes about trifles" can also be rendered "mutual irritations."
% Jehovah's Witnesses have the resource of congregation elders. While it is not their place to meddle in the personal affairs of married couples, the elders can be a refreshing aid to couples in distress.—James 5:14, 15.
HOW
to Strengthen
Your Marriage
In this series:
The Bible Can Help Your Marriage
How to Strengthen Your Marriage
Related topics:
When a Mate Is Unfaithful
Why View Marriage As Sacred?
Where Should You Turn to For Counsel?
IMAGINE a house that has fallen into a state of disrepair. The paint is peeling, the roof is damaged, and even the lawn lies untended. Obviously, this building has weathered some severe storms over the years, and it has suffered from neglect. Should it be demolished? Not necessarily. If the foundation is strong and the structure is stable, the house can likely be restored.
Does the condition of that house remind you of your marriage? Over the years, severe storms, so to speak, may have taken a toll on your marital relationship. A degree of neglect may be involved on the part of one or both of you. You may feel as did Sandy. After 15 years of wedlock, she stated: "We had nothing in common but being married to each other. And that wasn't enough."
Even if your marriage has reached this point, do not hastily conclude that it should be terminated. Likely, your marriage can be restored. Much depends on the level of commitment that exists between you and your mate. Commitment can help to give a marriage stability in times of trial. But what is commitment? And how can the Bible help you to strengthen it?
In Marriage, Commitment Involves . . .
Obligation "What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay."—Ecclesiastes 5:4, 5.
Teamwork "Two are better than one . . . For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up."—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
Self-Sacrifice "There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving."—Acts 20:35.
A Long-Term View "Love . . . endures all things."—1 Corinthians 13:4, 7.
Commitment Involves Obligation
According to one dictionary, commitment refers to "the state of being obligated or emotionally impelled." At times, the word is applied to something impersonal, such as a business agreement. For example, a builder might feel obliged to fulfill the demands of a contract he has signed to construct a house. He may not personally know the one who commissioned the work. Still, he feels compelled to live up to his word.
Although marriage is not a cold business deal, the commitment involved includes obligation. You and your mate likely have solemnly vowed before God and man to stay together, come what may. Jesus stated: "He who created [man and woman] from the beginning made them male and female and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife.'" Jesus added: "What God has yoked together let no man put apart." (Matthew 19:4-6) When problems arise, then, you and your mate should be firmly resolved to honor the commitment you made.* Says one wife: "It wasn't until we stopped considering divorce as an option that things began to improve."
There is more to marital commitment, though, than obligation. What else is involved?
Teamwork Strengthens Commitment to Marriage
Commitment to marriage does not mean that marriage mates will never disagree with each other. When a conflict occurs, there should be an earnest desire to resolve the matter not only because of an obligatory vow but because of an emotional bond. Regarding husband and wife, Jesus said: "They are no longer two, but one flesh."
What does it mean to be "one flesh" with your mate? The apostle Paul wrote that "husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies." (Ephesians 5:28, 29) In part, then, being "one flesh" means that you feel as concerned with the welfare of your mate as you are with your own. Married people need to shift their thinking from "mine" to "ours," from "me" to "we." One counselor wrote: "Both partners must stop being single at heart, and come to be married at heart."
Are you and your spouse "married at heart"? It is possible to be together for many years and yet not be "one flesh" in that sense. Yes, that can happen, but the book Giving Time a Chance says: "Marriage means sharing a life, and the more two people share, the more there is to grow on."
Some unhappy couples stay together for the sake of their children or for financial security. Others endure because they have strong moral objections to divorce or because they fear what others will think if they break up. While it is commendable that these marriages endure, remember that your goal should be to have a loving relationship, not simply a lasting one.
Unselfish Acts Promote Marital Commitment
The Bible foretold that during "the last days," people would be "lovers of themselves." (2 Timothy 3:1, 2) True to that prophecy, the emphasis today seems to be on a worshipful devotion to self. In all too many marriages, to give of oneself without guarantee of reciprocation is viewed as a sign of weakness. In a healthy marriage, however, both mates display a self-sacrificing spirit. How can you do so?
Instead of dwelling on the question, 'What am I getting out of this relationship?' ask yourself, 'What am I personally doing to strengthen my marriage?' The Bible says that Christians should be "keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just [their] own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others." (Philippians 2:4) While pondering this Bible principle, analyze your actions during the past week. How often did you perform an act of kindness solely for the benefit of your spouse? When your mate wanted to talk, did you listen—even if you did not feel particularly inclined to do so? How many activities did you engage in that interested your mate more than you?
When your mate wants to talk,
do you listen?
In weighing such questions, do not worry that your good deeds will go unnoticed or unrewarded. "In most relationships," says one reference work, "positive behavior is reciprocated, so do your best to encourage your partner to behave positively by behaving more positively yourself." Self-sacrificing acts strengthen your marriage because they show that you value it and want to preserve it.
A Long-Term View Is Essential
Jehovah God values loyalty. Indeed, the Bible states: "With someone loyal you [Jehovah] will act in loyalty." (2 Samuel 22:26) Remaining loyal to God entails remaining loyal to the marriage arrangement that he instituted.—Genesis 2:24.
If you and your mate are loyal to each other, you enjoy a sense of permanence about your union. When you think about the months, years, and decades ahead, you see yourselves together in the picture. The thought of not being married to each other is utterly foreign, and this outlook brings security to your relationship. One wife says: "Even when I'm maddest at [my husband] and I'm most upset about what is happening to us, I'm not worrying about our marriage coming to an end. I'm worried about how we are ever going to get back to where we were. I don't have a doubt in the world that we're going to get back—I just can't see how right then."
A long-term view is an essential part of commitment to one's mate, yet it is sadly lacking in many marriages. During heated exchanges, one spouse may blurt out, "I'm leaving you!" or, "I'm going to find someone who really appreciates me!" Granted, most often such words are not meant literally. Still, the Bible notes that the tongue can be "full of death-dealing poison." (James 3:8) Threats and ultimatums send out the message: 'I do not view our marriage as permanent. I can leave it at any time.' Implying such a thing can be destructive to a marriage.
When you have a long-term view, you expect to be with your mate through thick and thin. This has an added benefit. It will make it far easier for you and your mate to accept weaknesses and mistakes and to continue putting up with each other and forgiving each other freely. (Colossians 3:13) "In a good marriage," says one handbook, "there's room for both of you to fail, and for the marriage to hold together in spite of it."
What You Can Do Now
How does your marriage fare with regard to commitment? Perhaps you see room for improvement. To strengthen your commitment, try the following:
Make a self-examination. Ask yourself: 'Am I truly married at heart, or am I still thinking and acting as a single person?' Find out how your mate feels about you in this area.
Read this article with your spouse. Then, in a calm manner, discuss ways that you can strengthen your commitment to your marriage.
With your mate, engage in activities that strengthen your commitment. For example: Look at photographs of your wedding and other memorable events. Do things that you enjoyed during courtship or in the early years of your marriage. Study together Bible-based articles from The Watchtower and Awake! that pertain to marriage.
On your wedding day, you made a commitment, not to the institution of marriage, but to a living person—your mate. This fact should have a profound effect on the way you now think and act as a married person. Do you not agree that you