I want a godly perspective on these indiscretions. Will you please read my entire question?

Question

My husband deployed in Feb. Yesterday, he said he needed to tell me something, and my stomach churned. Last year, I took the kids and visited my mom for two weeks. during that time, he got drunk with his buddies and got into a backseat with some girl. She tried to kiss him, but he kissed her forehead instead, but he wanted to kiss her. Then, last summer there was a different girl at work who he flirted with all day, and he ended up playfully smacking her butt. Somebody told, and he was almost demoted. I never knew any of this. Now, he tells me that there was another girl when he first deployed that he was flirting with, but knew it was going too far, and he stopped. He has been trying to seek God and been praying since he has been gone, and he said that our marriage could never be whole unless he confessed to me. He went to the chaplain on the base, and set up counseling. I feel completely destroyed, and don't know how to deal with it.

Answer 1

You really have a lot of emotions going on right now. There's the worry/fear of his safety and faithfulness to you while he's away, along with taking care of the kids while he's away, and figuring out what to do when he returns. I can see how it's confusing and very hurtful.

Nobody on here can give you the answers that you seek because the answer lies within you. You know your husband and yourself best and who's to say what's best.

What I'm hearing about your husband is that he is friendly and playful. He enjoys the attention that he gets from other women. ( Let's face it, we all like to be noticed, even if we're married or the other person is a slimeball) Unfortunately physical attraction toward other people doesn't shut off once we say our wedding vows. Your husband appears to be having difficulty fitting into the married role when there are other women stroking his ego. He has acknowledged this and is working on it.

My advise is to try to be supportive and communicate. Tell him how it makes you feel knowing that he has these feelings toward other women. Remember that him not going further in the situations and telling you symbolizes that you're still his first priority.

Answer 2

Your husband has hurt, disappointed and embarrassed you. You do not have the right or the ability to change anyone else. Pray and ask God for guidance. Ask Him to give you strength to take care of your children and forgiveness for your husband which doesn't mean to let him continue to disrespect you.



Go to a certified Christian counselor and let the counselor help you work out your problem as God would want you to.



I understand your hurt and I am praying for you, your husband and your children. God bless.



P.S. It is true what the person above me said about people with like minds hang out together. New friends would be very helpful.

Answer 3

According to the Scripture, if you've lusted in your heart, you've committed adultery. This man has done AT LEAST that. I'm sure more will come out in counseling. Right now, I think it would be a good idea for you both to get tested for HIV/AIDS and STDs. According to the Scripture, you have grounds for divorce because of the adultery. And slapping another woman's butt is physical sexual contact in my book.



I can see how you have trouble trusting him...it happened again...and again....and I'm sure it will happen again. It's great that he's praying and is getting help, but that doesn't mean he is owed a second chance. You know in your heart what is the right thing to do. If your gut tells you it's for real this time, then go with it. If not, divorce him and move on.



I personally could not abide a cheating and/or lecherous man who openly lusted after other women and publicly shamed himself and by extension me as his wife and our family by committing a pubic sexual act like he did.



Wait a while and see how counseling goes and see how you feel, but honestly...I think it's time to move on. He's done things like this more than once...he'll no doubt do it again and be very sorry...if he sees you'll forgive him no matter what, then there are no consequences. It doesn't seem like this man has much respect for you or your family or the marriage.



If it was me, I'd get out. You don't have to hold his hand while he figures out whether he can be a Godly man or not. Because time and time again, he has proven that he cannot.

Answer 4

From experience I can say I know your pain. Although he didnt take his indiscretions to the max, he still cheated with his heart and you feel betrayed just the same. From a biblical perspective, I have to consider David. He definately had a lustful spirit. God still chose him to be king. He paid dearly for his adulterous affair but repented and asked God to create in him a "clean heart." If he didnt love his family he never would have told you. You cant just look over it but I think prayer should be your first task. Unfortunately we live in a society that divorce is usually readily considered. It sounds like your man has a conscience and anything worth having takes alot of effort. Sometimes we have to extend what has been freely extended to us by Jesus Christ...GRACE.

My prayers will be with you that your broken heart will be healed and trust can be restored.

Answer 5

End of story; You both need counseling!



He's telling you something that was better left alone and you're acting as if he attended a week long orgy! Good God, and for God and the kids sake. Call him up and tell him it's OK! In order for you two to succeed there needs to be a reckoning not a wake. A kiss on a forehead and a pat on the keister does not a mad man make. Try to get some logic in your head (no logic in emotion) Let him know that the long distance thing is over, and he needs to come home and be a husband and Dad. Get the 9 -5 and bar-b-que on Sunday. Making this life decision based on a flimsy confession has got you both tied up in knots and will only end in disaster if you let it. It sounds like you have time to correct this. Again, call him up, let him know how mad you WERE and now it's time to grow. Get him home and get on with your life.

Answer 6

You're marriage IS fine!



What a stud.



Most guys would have just taken what they could and lied through their teeth to you.



Guys do stuff like like that. It fills their insecurities, makes them "feel like a man" etc. Plus there is peer pressure to "act like a man" in front of the other guys. This guy responded on natural impulse but pulled back and controlled himself. Rare and valuable. This sort of guy is far less likely to leave you, turn into a drunk, let himself go to pot, fail to do his best to support and protect his family etc.



I think you made a good choice in a husband and father. The bottom line is, you want him to to be open and honest with you and so you have to be very care full not to make him feel like he's being punished for it. He's shown self control and honesty and openness. Reward that so he'll keep it up. Tell him you're proud of him for resisting that temptation and pulling himself together so quickly and also for his being open and communicating honestly with you.



One last thing, don't be to hard on him, because I know you can't imagine it now, but when you're in your late thirties to early forties your hormones will start playing tricks on you and you'll find yourself feeling turned on by guys half your age. You'll be appalled by it but you won't be able to stop those thoughts and fantasies, and you'll find not slapping a cute behind a hard thing to do. Trust me, that's just the way it is. Women don't talk about it much because it's embarrassing to them, but they all go through it. When that happens you'll understand young men and their struggles behaving better.



Peace & Joy

Answer 7

I'd forgive him, especially if he is truly seeking God.

He obviously is tired of the secrets and he wants you to know so that he can stop feeling guilty. He should get right with God. Once he seeks, submits, repents and is saved, everything will get better, but you also have to do your part. -Mark 3:25

You should also seek God to help you get through your situation. God will bless your family if you both come together in Jesus' name. Find a Bible based Church so that you all can go to hear the gospel.

A family who prays together stays together.



It is time to start building your marriage and your home on a strong spiritual foundation. God is your Rock. -Psalm 18:2





-Matthew 7:24

[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.



-God Bless.

Answer 8

I think you're a little too worried. The fact that he is coming clean to you and telling it like it is means a lot. He hasn't gone far enough to truly hurt you and he seems to be reluctant to going so far which shows his commitment to the marriage and his own self control. I commend him for both things. Furthermore, he seems like a good and trust-worthy guy.



Now I myself am far away from marriage, but I have been able to show self control in several situations. That is a sign of true love if there ever is such a thing.



-Best

Answer 9

You don't mention having any children in your letter. Your pic gives me the impression that you are pretty and still young enough to go on with your life. You might have the right to have this marriage annuled. I wish I had the best answer, but I can offer my experience that my former husband did similar things and I decided that I deserve better. I am now in a relationship with a good man who respects me and I used to think he was a total geek until I really saw the good man that he is and I am so lucky. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

He's obviously telling you these things to clear his conscious. At least, he knew it was wrong...But I can also see it from your perspective. No wife wants to hear that her husband "wanted" and "thought" of doing something bad.



He's broken your trust with these things. Yes, he's trying to redeem himself, but now you're left feeling sick and confused over what it all means.



I would try going through the counseling with him. Both of you need to establish a relationship of being completely open and honest, along with boundaries. He needs to learn how to not put himself in compromising positions of temptation.



I hope that you can come out of this in better shape. It's good that he's trying to fix himself of these flaws. Hopefully, he'll take better precautions to avoid situations such as this in the future, along with cutting back on his flirtations with other women.



Good luck, and remember that he obviously loves you...or he wouldn't have come to these conclusions, let alone told you. It hurts, but healing will be underway if there's a willingness to communicate and change on his end.

Answer 11

i am a military wife as well, recently went through deployment. i will tell you this, he cheated on me (before we got married, after proposal though) and never confessed about anything. i wish he would have!! i understand you are very devastated and it turned your world upside down. i really do. the fact that he confessed means so much. its shows he has guilt and is willing to pay for his mistakes. confessing matters a lot, take it from someone that have been cheated on over months and had no idea until she found out from the ex-wife.

i cant give you a godly perspective, but i can give you a human one.

Answer 12

Dear Rebecca

Seem like he have a pattern of play full and what make he confess to you seem like no one have any idea why.

forgive some one is one thing but can you forget what happened.

your married wasn't started yesterday and you two have three beautiful kids together and i best there is lot of good memories too. .If you think you could forgive him and try to keep married than I would say, you should hold yourself together and give it another try out.

Answer 13

Even if his cheating or indiscretions are worse than you know, the fact that he is getting counseling is a good thing. Just see how that works out and talk to him. Don't be accusatory but understanding and nuturing. You can tell him assertively that you are disappointed, and you won't be fooled with, but you do love and care for him.

Answer 14

I think both you guys are making mountains out of mole hills. People often flirt, and even married people feel fleeting pangs of attraction to others, it's not the end of the world! Like you have never looked at another guy with interest or made a playful comment to someone? Lighten up - both of you. Your marriage will be fine if you stop making a big deal out of things that are natural and will happen during a course of a lifetime.

Answer 15

This is how it all starts but he is nipping it in the bud. He realizes that he can not and does not want to do this to his family. Going to God can stop it completely - you have to put your husband and your marriage/family in God's hands and His will WILL be done! God saves marriages and your husband is trying... I KNOW it is hard, I have been through infidelity and God saved us.. Start praying, for yourself, for your husband... Don't let the devil drag you under.

Answer 16

i suggest you seek counsel too! i mean i believe that you guys will be able to make it through this if you put God through. If he truly repents and is actively seeking God then you will be able to forgive him. I know it seems overwhelming right now but pray about it and seek counsel.

God bless and I hope this helps!

xoxoxo

Answer 17

he needs to perhaps change the buddies he is hanging around with ( or avoid drinking bashes..etc.). He should hang with people who are married and committed like he his. When I go out I tend to hang with married friends with similar values.

Answer 18

The fact that he took the initiative to confess to you his wrong doings says a lot, maybe more than you realize. It sounds like he genuinely wants to start fresh. It will take work and strong commitment, but if you two can work things out it may be best for both of you and your children.

Answer 19

seven times seventy...

He did not fornicate or commit adultry in the practical sense.

In the absolute sense, yes, he did, however, you've looked at other men also, if only just for a moment.

You have to forgive him and realize that it took alot of balls for him to tell you that. Risking all to be honest... that is moral courage... and you're worried about yourself....

Look at what he told you and what it took to tell you.. then ask HIM for forgiveness.

Answer 20

Oh hell just tell him you refuse to be with a man that acts like a damn fool and God told you to divorce his ***.

Answer 21

He didn't sleep with anyone.



He confessed.



He is praying.



He went to the chaplain.



He is willing to go to counseling.



What more could you possibly expect of him? We are none of us perfect. You took it to the next step in your mind, he didn't. You ask for a Godly perspective. Jesus teaches us forgiveness.



What do you see as your alternative? Break up your family? Deprive your children of their father? While you convict him in your mind of something he hasn't done?



Stop judging him and start forgiving him, or you may find your sin to be far worse than his.

Answer 22

How do you know he has told you the whole truth??? I worry that he will continue to carry on this way not giving a s--t about you or your kids. You can forgive but the hard part is forgetting. I will pray for you.

Answer 23

How do you know he didn't sleep with anyone...because he said so??? I think he has more stuff to tell you. It will come out in counseling.

Answer 24

Please stop having kids.



Or leash your husband.