*****TO LET HIM GO OR TO KEEP HIM?.... Feedback pleaaaaaaase!!!?

Question

SORRY ABOUT THE LENGHTH....

ok. I know there are plenty of questions about 'marital problems' on this site and that this is just another one...

I need feedback please. I know ultimately I will be the one making the decision and living with it.. Except that I can't think straight right now... Everything is too raw at the moment... PLEASE READ WHOLE LETTER BEFORE GIVING FEEDBACK PLEASSSSSSSE.

My husband sent me an e-mail yesterday to confirm the beginning of our separation... He tells me that if I really want this marriage to work, and if I really want him in my life, I have to be the one doing the first step at reconciliating then he will start too... Why be the first you may wonder? According to him, I have received a lot more in this marriage than he has therefore he feels justified to do absolutely no "extras" as he calls it, until "I" start showing him I want to change...

Yesterday, his e-mail came quickly after I didn't apologize within a 3 second window. Apparently he was bottling up negative feelings about this marriage for some time and his intention to separate, but it only came out yesterday...

Here's a as brief story that I can say to give you a general picture of the marriage...

he has stopped giving me any kind of affection (ex.hugs) for the last month or so, claiming that I wasn't giving him the kind he liked (ex. back rubs, head massages) so, he was going to wait for me to start.
Yesterday, even though I felt that it was a very immature and unreasonable complaint, I decided to give him a head massage to show him my desire to have this marriage work... That is after, earlier in the day, or I think the day before, he had mentioned during an argument that "the marriage was falling apart anyway, and that soon he would leave me" if I didn't try, and didn't start first to give him what he wanted (ex. back rubs, head massages, in short, thinking more of him without him asking me first).

Last night, when I came home from an outing, we had small talk, then I went on the computer for a couple minutes as I often do before bed if I have the chance. As he was approaching me in the office, it just so happens that I was logging off and thinking of getting ready for bed. That's when the whole shabbang started... He accused me of hiding something and shutting down because he came into the office. Natural reaction of someone being accused of something they didn't do: I said firmly that I am not hiding anything, I am simply going to bed.
He flipped, then he left to go back to watching t.v. in the living room. A few minutes go by, and after I think he has calmed down, I go see him regarding the office 'incident'. He is still upset, and says that I have 3 seconds to apologize (though I think he's the one who shouldn't have accused me in the first place) or the separation is official! WTF!!!

I didn't apologize, but I didn't say "I wouldn't". I was simply so shocked that he would blackmail me like this... So not right... So he proceeded to go lock himself in the office to write to me an official letter of separation...

I am crying as I go see him later, and he says "fine". ' If you want this marriage to work, I am giving you three months to prove yourself. You better be super sweet for three months or I am leaving you! '

A marriage takes two to work of fail. He doesn't seem to take too much responsibility for it's failure or success. He is waiting for me to start changing before 'he' does... (doesn't sit right)

Then he proceeds in ordering me to open my e-mail so that he can "check" it. He was maybe going to take back his "separation idea"... I passed with flying colours, but because I had over a thousand and didn't show him all since I was fed up of the whole 'checking' thing, he says, "still separation" mode...

We've been together three years, married for two. It's my third marriage, his second. He refuses couple conselling... In your opinion, is it worth fighting for the marriage, and keeping him, or should I let him go?

Him in a nutshell:
the positives:

-- hard worker (when he chooses to)
-- looking for a job at the moment
-- intelligent
-- often thinks of others before himself
-- sometimes has a sense of humour

the negatives:
-- often lazy
-- thinks he's always right
-- very stubborn
-- puts me down often (with eyes rolling or with words or with sighs)
-- short tempered
-- whines quite a bit
--immature in many aspects

feedback please... I see just a glimmer of hope for us, he sees none... but wants me to prove to him it can still work...

should I work harder at the marriage since it's my third? Or the number of time doesn't matter... Is it reasonable that he asks me to 'start first'?

Answer 1

Marriage is hard work on a daily basis, don't look for the negative daily look for the positive everyday and let him know what these are. Why you love him. Basically have the mind set on Kill him with kindness. His confidence can't be all that without having a job, help boost it with positives.

Answer 2

It has only been five days, although I don't doubt that it feels like five weeks. You're on the right track with the house breaking, but you should follow through with the crate training as well. If you ignore her protests, she'll settle down eventually and soon the crate will be her safe home. All dogs hate the treatments for ear infections. You just have to persevere, and insist. I wouldn't give her pain pills personally. On all of these issues I think I'm hearing "Frustration", frustration is very weak energy, and no dog will respond positively to that. The single most important aspect of successful dog handling is..."CALM". Be Calm, Be Assertive. Do not be, Angry, Frustrated, Violent, Mean, Pleading. Expect her compliance, don't ask, don't coax, just calm expectation and insistence. The first couple nights in the crate any new dog will be rather on the noisy side, but you should see it through and that is where she should sleep. Walking the dog will promote urination and bowel movements, obviously you won't do that every half hour, but several times a day when you take her out, go for a 30+ minute walk. Go to the library, take out some books, I strongly recommend... Cesar's Way, and Be a Pack Leader by Cesar Milan No Bad Dogs by Barbara Woodhouse Good Owners, Great Dogs by Brian Kilcommons There is a learning curve involved in becoming and effective and knowledgeable dog owner/handler; five days is no time at all. Persevere, keep it up and before long you will begin to reap the rewards of having dogs in your life. Stay Calm

Answer 3

First of all, there are two sides to every story. But being that we only get one side, I will say what I think according to what you said. I was married to an emotional blackmailer. I know myself and I know that I went into my marriage with all the things a man loves. By the time 6 months came around I was a whole different person. He would find anything at all to roll his eyes about, complain about. He NEVER got enough love...and no matter how much I put into the marriage, financially....he would always compare.Not only was I being "sneaky" every time I got on the computer, but God forbid my cell phone rang!! People who are high-maintenance are just to exhausting to even think about spending a lifetime with. And, if you see that this is his character then I say Get Out! Fast!!! Your husband is WAY too childish and controllig for MY likes! My marriage was 2 1/2 yrs. and it was my 2nd. I was so happy to be away from him! Good luck!

....MissR ???????? how old can she be? Maybe 100?????

Answer 4

For some reason(s), your husband is in crisis. May or may not be relationship driven. Ultimately, he seems to be saying that he no longer feels like an equal partner in the marriage, free to state needs and desires with some hope they'll be met. Something has happened to change the power structure of the relationship. Occasionally, the roles played in courtship are not authentic. Alpha dogs who like to set the terms of various aspects of the relationship including intimacy - and every marriage has this - may conceal this aspect of themselves in the courtship - never a good thing unless they plan on maintaining the ruse indefinitely. Trust here has clearly broken down. What event(s) provoked the breach? What changed suddenly w/o warning? He's feeling very threatened/disrespected, etc. Best idea for now is to honor his feelings with observations like, 'You sound very frustrated right now and angry. Have I got that right?' Then shut up and let him talk. You may not like what you hear. Listen anyway. You don't have to react right away. Probably best if you don't. The important thing here is to get information. You can't fix it if you don't know what's wrong. Similarly, he will continue demonstrating the lightning rod in his think bubble until you acknowledge. So. Start in slowly with questions.



... One hesitates to question anything with so few facts but what exactly is so compelling on e-mail that you simply must check it as a precondition to lights out? Unless your job requires it and you'll be expected to respond that night, it's pretty insulting to the partner waiting in line in the bedroom for your attention. You see this, I hope.

Answer 5

The number of marriages should not even bother you at all. Sometimes it takes several tries before one finds the right person. I do not know how long he has been acting like this and whether it is co-related to his unemployment, but people often take out their anger and frustration on their loved ones. He also could be getting the wrong advice from someone as to what a marriage suppose to be like or how he should be treated. I think you should sit him down, and tell him how it is: if you love him, tell him you love him, you are there for him, you are who you are and you are happy with yourself, and you will not change just because he has a mood swing. If he wants out let him go. You cannot force someone to be with you. Sometimes people set you up to end things and make it look like its your fault. Don't fall for it. Ask him if he met someone, if that is the reason for his strange behavior. There could be many reasons, but you have to love yourself, and have your boundaries set firmly, and don't let him push you around. If you want to do things for him do it because you want to and because you love him. He should accept you as you are.

Answer 6

How can this mess be called a marriage? If BOTH of you are not working on it together, then it is a waste of time. Neither of you are very good at marriage. Maybe it is time to grow as individuals rather than suppress each other's growth in a marriage like relationship.



Edit: Where on earth did MissR come from? LOL. Such a primitive point of view.

Answer 7

Once you are married, you have made the committment to work through whatever issues may arise. It is the woman's job, responsibility, duty to respect her husband. True love cares about another person over oneself. If you truly want this marriage to succeed, than I say that you do whatever he asks of you (nothing immoral). You should be thinking about him without him having to tell you. Women are miraculously full of amazing inner strength. Put on your big girl panties and fight to keep your man!

Answer 8

There are to many broken marriages , I would go to counseling and if that doesn't work maybe a separation.

Answer 9

he's worthless honey...please just let him go. he sounds like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum....is that really something you want to deal with????