Question:
Is it appropriate for a woman from the office to call a married man on his personal time?
17 years ago
Ok, so my husband started this new job a few months ago. Well, since then atleast once a week while we are at home either after work, or on the weekend, this woman calls his phone. She usually calls just for stupid personal reasons like, she was interested in an apartment my husband used to rent, asking him if he is going to some work function, ect. When I see her name pop up on his phone i get so mad. They work with about 50 people.......why but why does she feel like she needs to call him????? Is he doing something to make her feel that she can? Or is she just stupid. I know better. You do not pick up a phone and call a married man at home! I don't know her! I feel it is very disrespectful to me. I got so mad when she called this weekend I answered the phone to just hang it back up on her. I want to tell her that it is wrong to call a married man on his personal time, but my husband asked me not to. He said it would make an uncomforatble work enviroment! Whatever! What do you think?
66 answers:
17 years ago
Well i talk to married men all the time and if she wasn't after your husband she is now that you are causing all this drama,..





Lesson one jealous insecure wife means week marriage



that tells loose trampy women they can move in for the kill.
Neonzeus
17 years ago
Does husband get calls from other coworkers too? If so, everyone may just be unusually friendly. If not, he has somehow encouraged this particular coworker to think he wants to be friendly outside of the workplace.



He can tell her that his weekends are so full that he doesn't have time to talk so he'd appreciate it if she'd wait until the following week. He has to draw a boundary, just like he would with anyone who is intruding on family time.



IMO, your anger is missplaced. You also can't assume she's out to break up your marriage (she might just be lonely, older and ready to retire, very unattractive, etc. -- unless you meet her, you don't know if she's just looking for a work friend or a boyfriend...). Either way, she wouldn't be calling if he asked her only to call on weekends if it's a work emergency. He has given her the message that it's ok, and in respect of your feelings, he should fix it fast.
9 years ago
THe mistake was picking up the phone the first time. If it was important he could have called back, and if not, he could tell her the next day that he was busy spending time with you. I would not let this freak you out so badly. There is no reason to be insecure about it. Annoyed, yes, but many people lack decent social skills and have no respect for boundaries. You have to make the boundary clear and enforce it. How do you know she doesn't call anyone else? Maybe she calls everyone because she is emotionally unbalanced. Or try picking up the phone yourself and speaking to her courteously. If she asks for hubby, say he is occupied, can you take the message? Or, OK, he will let you know tomorrow at work. It would be very uncomfortable at work if you ripped her up for what may very well be over-exuberant friendliness. Take the high road and be civil but firm.
irish_indian_fantasy
17 years ago
This sounds soooooooooooo familiar! My ex use to call and receive calls all the time. Why? Because he never told any of the girls that he was not single. Therefore the flirting went on and the phone calls started, as well as the cheating. It is inappropriate for any man or woman to call anyone of the opposite sex that is married for anything other than business. And if your husband is saying that it would make an uncomfortable work environment, that's because he hasn't said anything about being married! The next time she calls, tell her that you are his wife and is there anything YOU can do for her. When she says no, and she will, tell her to stop calling your husband or you will take this to the HR department and file a complaint against her. If your husband doesn't agree with you, ask him what he's hiding. Many may not agree with me, but I've been through this, and he was guilty as hell!!!!
JM
17 years ago
sounds like this lady digs your husband. he must be a cool guy. so here is what you do. go to an office function, like a happy hour or other work festivity and go up and introduce yourself to her as your husband's wife. when you are introduced to her, just say, "oh yeah - you're that girl that calls all the time just to say hey." then be really nice to her. she is probably a very sad person who cannot find a man for herself because of some issues that she has. she has identified your man as a good one which is a compliment to your taste in men. I would feel sorry for her more than anything.
17 years ago
It is NEVER appropriate for any office personnel to call ANYONE at home for personal reasons UNLESS the receiver has AUTHORIZED such intrusions.



I strongly suspect YOUR husband is flirting or makes this woman feel HE is interested in HER for other than WORK reasons. Been there done that. Don't buy into the "I don't know why she would be calling me." That's rubbish.



You need to grab the call and answer it. Ask the woman "what's the problem?". If YOU feel the question is a personal one, tell this woman to hold her question until the next working day and she can ask Mr. Jones at that time. Your husband will go balistic because he obviously has led this woman to believe "he's the boss of the house and it's O.K. to call me". Be prepared for this argument.



If and when your husband goes balistic about YOU interferring with "his matters" advice him that HE chose YOU as the one and only for better or for worst, in sickness and in health until death do you part and what God has brought together let NO MAN draw apart.



Tell him you feel this woman is drawing YOU apart from the marriage by interferring during non-business hours with personal trival matters that should be "left at the office". Set your foot down. He'll either "leave you for the other woman" or "come to his senses and realize that you're right".



I thank my wife for having done just that. Men will flirt and sometimes other women will take that signal as a "come on, let's boogie" when it really is just flirting. But men are weak (ask Adam at Eden, he'll tell you) and women will always find a married (STD disease free) man more attractive and less of a risk at giving them AIDS and HIV.
Heisenberg
17 years ago
Honestly? I dont think you have anything to worry about with this woman.



It sounds like the two of them are friends. Is it appropriate for a married man to have a female friend? I honestly dont think so. But, is it inappropriate for a married man to maintain a friendship that is interfering with his marriage? No, it's not.



But you have to understand, women and men really can be just friends. Your feeling of jealously is totally normal, though. After all, this woman knows a side of your husband that you will likely never know and has experiences, professional experiences and accomplishments, with your husband that you will never experience with him.



If I was in your shoes, I dont know that I'd feel any different. But, is your dislike of this person based on that or is it based on you feeling that her having a friendship with your husband really isnt appropriate?
ngfhorn
17 years ago
Honestly, she is probably not mature or experienced enough to know where to draw the line. The next time she calls after business hours, answer his phone, explain to her that she can see your husband at work the next working day and that after working hours is your family time. I understand the frustration of dealing with ignorant women however once she realizes that she is infringing on your family time, maybe she will get the drift. IF not, then tell your husband if he doesn't put a stop to it, you will go to his job and infringe on his time there by meeting the woman face to face with their boss. If she is using their work phones for personal reasons to call him, then the boss needs to be aware of that. When money is involved, you have every reason to voice your feelings on the matter. The woman will either quit calling or be asked to resign due to abuse of company equipment. I'm sure the boss has access to all the phone records which would prove this woman is calling too often. Good luck!
Vegito
17 years ago
Unless your husband is giving of some kind of "screw me" sign....naw I can't lie. The problem is.. your husband is oblivious to what is going on. I think she is hitting on your man. The problem is your man doesn't see it. Trust me, we guys don't get it because we don't understand little hints, big hints, subtle hints etc. He won't realize it until she has him set up. Try and meet this woman and see what she is about. Don't involve you man in anyway. We are not programed to pick this kind of stuff up....until it happens to us and it is too late. Good Luck and fight for you man if he is worth the war.
there you go again
17 years ago
If she was a good mutual friend of both of you it would not be inappropirate but sinc eyou dont know her its not really a good thing. Also its kinda disrespectful that your husband doesn t nip this in the bud. I mean he should just tell her look i am married call someone else. Unless you and her can become buddies and it just a freindship thing but it sounds like she likes him and he seems to like the attention.
Panda Blue
17 years ago
Well, I think it depends on the environment of the company. Maybe all employees call other employees on their personal time. With only 50 employees, it may be a more familiar environment than a larger employer. Or maybe she used to call the person in your husband's position (assuming he took over for someone else) all the time and so now she calls him. Either way, it is a new job, so your husband's desire not to make waves is not surprising.



On the other hand, it is kind of suspicious. You and I both know that we would never call our male married coworkers on their personal time. Mostly because we are busy with our own families! It may be that this female coworker is just really really lonely or there may be something else going on.



Talk to your husband. Ask him to please have a talk with his coworker. Explain your annoyance and concerns.



Or just have him silence his phone on his time off.
jammer
17 years ago
humm,, interesting....if they are just "friends" that work together then why doesn't he introduce you to her? I would tell him that if they are such good friends that she can call him on his personal time, then that you two need to be introduced,and see how that goes over with him. Or next time she calls, don't just answer and hang up, just answer it and let her know who you are, try to have a conversation with her, and listen to her tone and tell if you can sense anything in her voice!
jamie t
17 years ago
As a married woman i do not think that is appropriate.

What I wonder is why isn't he telling her that she needs to stop?Does she want to be friends with him?If a woman was constantly calling my husband I would answer the phone and say "Hi, You need to understand that___is a happily married man and when you are constantly calling him it is inappropriate for 1 and unwanted by the both of us.I would appreciate it if you would stop these phone calls under any circumstances"

Your husband should be showing clear boundries to her as well but I would be completely open and honest with him about how you are feeling.Resolve it before it becomes a bigger problem.
17 years ago
Eventhough, I'm a man and can not "fully" comprehend what you're going through, I can at least say that the "*****" has some serious problems.

Maybe, she doesn't know he's married or maybe he's leading her on (No disrespect to your husband), or whatever, the fact of the matter is, you should tell her to "**** OFF".

I think it would make it a bit difficult for your husband but if it can help you sleep better at night, what more could you possibly want? I know women who have done unspeakable things to the "other" woman, and believe me tellin' the ***** to **** off ain't as bad as it sounds.

Holla!

Hope I helped!
slia76
17 years ago
Personnaly, I have been in a similiar situation. In spite of what your husband says, I think you have the right to inquire as to why she is calling your husband so much. Of course, is a professional way so as not to make it uncomfortable for your husband. It would be one thing if she socialized with both you on a regular basis, but if not, then I say (even if they are coworkers) it is inappropriate. She could wait to talk to him in the office. If you don't want to talk to her and go against your husband, then he really should ask her to stop calling or better yet - he should stop answering and let her leave a message. He could then choose to call her back if it was important and work related or an emergency.



I actually told one of my husband's female Marines that she had no business calling our house so much unless it was an emergency. At the time he was her SSgt. and she was a LCpl. In all respects she was supposed to call the Sgt. who would then call my husband. We finally talked and she actually had a crush on him (sometimes he is too nice and she was really young). Also, he wouldn't say anything to her and asked me not to so, but I felt I needed to mark my territory....



I hope it all works out.
Really now
17 years ago
Unless it has to do with business, it is not proper behavior. If your husband if afraid to tell her to stop calling, you need to do it. He may not want to put a negative vibe in his work relationship with her by telling her it is not okay to call. So you tell her nicely he is your husband, especially on the weekends, and she needs to hold her conversations with him at work. Hubby should not have a thing to say, but if he gets upset, you know he is encouraging her! Just don't cuss, yell, anything like that. Be nice as you can possibly be, then she can't go around telling stories about so and so's crazy wife.
NiNi
17 years ago
If your husband cares for your feelings and understands your morals and boundaries of respect within your marriage,he should be very understanding and ask her to not call him outside of work and for non work related issues.



Geese where's the idiots respect?



I don't think your husband would be so fond or OK with the idea of having your male colleague call you at home for randomness.....it's just rude and disrespectful.



For the jerk who said your paranoid,an answer like that would come out of a jerk like him. He obviously doesn't understand boundaries but when the tables turn on men they react the exact same way we do!
joe blower
17 years ago
well i do believe that this is not appropriate. i am a man and i can tell you now that my fiance would kick my butt if one of the girls i work with called my phone for something less than a very important work related question or an emergency.



It seems to me that this co-worker may have a crush, the fact that she calls at those times tells me that your husband is on her mind when he shouldn't be.



how old are you guys? newly weds?
lovebeinamum
17 years ago
Even thouhg they all have been given free phones that's no reason for her to have his number! very wierd.



I wouldn't out up with it. Very cheeky of her and very inconciderate of your partner not to respect your feelings! what on earth is going on here, bloody hell. I would tell your husband to put a stop to it or you will. I'm angry for you love.
blue lady
17 years ago
well i see where you are coming from and i understand you. talk about joblessness (i mean the woman). i would hate that and if she needs something from him, them why doesn't she wait till work the next day rather than disturb the poor guy and isn't she only meant to have his office number not his personal number. Anyway if your husband says there is nothing to worry about then you should trust him and if you still have doubts then keep talking to him but at the same time, keep your eyes open because you'll never know....
17 years ago
I wouldn't like it either, but if he isn't giving you any reasons to jump to conclusions, just trust him. I do think he must talk to her at work because I wouldn't call someone that I didn't think was my friend. I don't however think he tells her to call him because he knows it will make you mad and if there was anything going on, he would be secretive about the calls. I wouldn't worry too much about it. If he is showing signs, investigate it. If not, just bite your tongue and don't say anything. She will know you feel threatened by her and he will eventually hide everything and everyone he talks too. Good luck to you!!
Jackie
17 years ago
This has zero to do w/ the woman; you can't control her actions/stupidity/lack of awareness.



This has everything to do w/ your husband. Yes, your hunch is right. He's doing something at work to make this woman think it's okay to call him at home. Get to the bottom of it, and you might not like what you discover. Tell him to come clean ASAP. If he's innocent of any wrong-doing, he should have no problem telling this girl to stop calling him. It's simple, actually.
Shell_Belle
17 years ago
You need to let your husband handle this one. Otherwise word will get around (by her) that you're crazy and jealous and over-reacting. She won't say anything if he tells her to back off.
TABBY
17 years ago
I would answer the phone and tell her he isn't in but you'd be glad to help her out. I wouldn't put up with it for a second! He probably wouldn't appreciate you getting calls from male co-workers either.
Bill C
17 years ago
If he won't let you talk to her, then he has to talk to her and explain that he doesn't want her calling him on personal time and especially for unrelated work issues. They can talk about whatever at work, but once the clock strikes Millertime, then she's on her own. If he won't do that, then look harder at what may be going on because I don't think the request is unreasonable.



Hope this helps.
Sticky Wickets
17 years ago
Find out the reason behind the phone calls. If she has a "thing" for your husband....nip it in the bud. Tell your husband it bothers you HE should tell her not to call unless it's real company business.
Jen
17 years ago
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Kick her little (or big) A.S.S!!

That is so wrong!

First of all, WTF is your husband thinking letting this woman cause strife in your household? Smack him uside the head for me please! That is a blatent disrespectful move on his part.

You know that the only reason that a single woman calls a man, married or not, is for th hookup, so keep your eyes and ears open.



But PLEASE listen to me. Some women know what they are doing. They know that their actions are causeing problems. They intend on it, so make sure and not let her win.

Dont make too big of a deal about it to your husband, becaus if the relationship is on the rocks, you will drive him away, and this ***** will win.

So, be stelthy about it, keep your husband VERY happy and then tell him that this bothers you and hurts you. Please do something about it Baby. Smooch Smooch*



Best of luck lady. Urrfgh...Im so angry for you....
olderwiser100a
17 years ago
it is very disrespectful. shame on her for doing so. you have every right to be upset first with her for doing it, and secondly with your hubby for even answering. what she is doing violates work place practices, and in essence is creating a hostile work environment for your husband, something that is actionable and is against federal law. he should ask her to stop. if she doesn't, he should report her. and if he won't do either, then you know that your suspicions about the calls were fact not supposition. good luck with this :)
butterfly_kisses_6_9_0_4
17 years ago
i actually think that that's rude for her to just call him like that! From my experiences when my hubby told me not to tell this other female to stop calling him he was cheating on me. I hope that this isn't the case for you. If your married you make compromises, if you think its inappropriate tell you husband its his place to make it stop. He should respect you enough and do it. Nothing should come between a marriage.
Cherri
17 years ago
It sounds like he is more worred about her feeling than your. You need to let him know that her calling you at home is making a very uncomfortable living situation at home. He needs to be the one to put this disrespectful biotch in her place. I wish you the best.
orange c
17 years ago
A b+tch at my ex's work did that, and now they are a couple.



Sorry, maybe your man is better.
JJH
17 years ago
Wow!

I would be PISSED off...

But, not at the girl, at my husband! He is the one that has let her step over this boundary! And doesn't seem to think there is a problem. My educated guess is he is leading her on...

Maybe he likes her calling him...HUMMMM



You need to end this now, before it breaks you into pieces...
amadala02
17 years ago
i don't think it's right for her to keep calling him and it's wrong for ur husband to not think about ur feelings. u need to talk and make him really understand so he can know how u feel. if it was u that was getting calls from another man he would get upset. just talk with him. don't fight.
IssieB
17 years ago
I would tell my husband to tell her to stop calling and that if he doesn't that I would do it myself, uncomfortable situation or not. If your husband cannot understand this, then perhaps he is having an affair. Tell him how it makes you feel when she calls. It is disrespectful. If you ever do end up talking to her, tell her to dial 411 for her stupid questions. Good luck.
tonysae
17 years ago
ask your husband how it would create a negative work environment, when the calls are being made after work hours. he probably didn't mention that calls after work were not ok, so she assumed he has no problem with it.
funkydesign03
17 years ago
I would confront him with how you feel about this. If he turns a deaf ear to your feelings and concerns, if I were you I would confront her myself. Try not to allow the conversation to escalate, just ask politely and explain you and your husbands personal time is yours and that you would appreciate it if they kept their business relationship strictly that.



In my opinion he is being a coward in not handling the situation and it could potentially ruin your relationship because of it.



I would be extremely suspicious of this woman's motives.
Mel
17 years ago
I think I would feel exactly the same way you do. She has no need to call him unless it's for a legitimate reason that can't wait until work hours. Unfortunately, this is your husband's call to do something about it, not yours. He needs to go to a superior and tell them that she is misusing the priviledge of having his number.
ydidi
17 years ago
i think it should wait until they are at work she has no business calling him at home. Your husband needs to be man enough to let her know that it is bothering you and she should stop calling him
gonesouldirty
17 years ago
sound a bit insecure there.



Cant your husband just be friends with this woman? if you are so leary of the whole thing why dont you ask to meet this woman?
17 years ago
i had a work Friend call me on my personal time but, I knew what he wanted to be more than just friends! At the time I wanted to make my fiance jealous SO I answered his calls. If its nothing than he needs to either introduce you to her or cut it off!
17 years ago
Ask your husband where he'd rather be uncomfortable, at work or AT HOME?! Tell him he better set her straight or YOU WILL! Sounds funny to me!
17 years ago
It may be innocent, but I would take great interest and watch and listen very carefully.



I was in this situation and thought, oh it's ok, I trust my husband. She even came to our house. She was named in our divorce proceedings.



Go with your instinct, but keep him under your beedy eye, her as well.



I hope it's ok tho.
17 years ago
Your husband is disrepecting you more than she is. He's welcoming her calls rather than putting a stop to it and he's feeding you bullshit lies about it too. Me thinks I would shove his phone up his ***.
17 years ago
Answer the phone and say "Look, you are disturbing us on our PERSONAL time. Please stop calling us unless it is a work-related emergency."



If she calls again, tell her one more call and you will talk to her supervisor about harassment issues.

That should stop the calls.
lucylu09876
17 years ago
It would definitely piss me off. It's almost like she enjoys calling him just to get you upset. He shouldn't answer her calls anymore on the weekends. !!
Rob K
17 years ago
Over the line. She clearly has a poor sense of boundaries.



Is she his superior? If not, I don't see why it would be uncomfortable
Sport
17 years ago
Unless he told her it's okay, it's inappropriate for her to assume it is.
Kalyn
17 years ago
I think you should tell your husband how you feel and ask him to politely tell her to respect his personal time. He should tell her not to call. Especially since it doesn't sound like she's his boss. She clearly is interested in him.
jelle
17 years ago
Totally inappropriate behavior on her part and on your husband's part. Sounds like he is more worried about upsetting her than you.
Bexi
17 years ago
That sounds pretty fishy! I'd tell him how it's making you feel, if he has enough respect for you he should be able to make her stop. If he gets defensive over it, I think there may be more to the problem.
17 years ago
you should belive you husband don't worry don't hang up on her .just tell her don't call in the personal time .and be polite with her
17 years ago
Why do you care? It's none of your business. If your husband doesn't like it, HE'LL put a stop to it. He obviously likes it, or at the least, doesn't mind. It's probably a hot Asian woman who will take your man away. Too bad for you. Or maybe she's just FRIENDLY - what is wrong with having female friends? You're obviously insecure about your husband's love for you, or else you wouldn't care. This is why men have affairs - annoying wives!
mblastguy
17 years ago
I would talk to your husband about it and have him talk to the woman because you are right that is not appropriate at all. They are collegues. She can find other friends. If nothing changes then you might want to confront her directly.
Mrs. Brooks
17 years ago
Ask your husband why she's the only one who ever calls him on his personal time. That's weird.
17 years ago
Don't trust him!! Men are liars!!! I would be so mad, I think any woman would be even if they deny it. It wouldn't make it uncomfortable your his wife and the other lady should understand how you feel.
DeeJayB
17 years ago
I would say no. When gone from work, it's family time. Family doesn't interrupt his work time with silly meaningless stuff---Should be the same when he goes home.
am_bam_brat
17 years ago
wow sounds like something is up there

I owuld check it out if I was you
17 years ago
It doesn't sound too serious, but don't let your guard down
Opps
17 years ago
Well...............how are they going to know when to meet.
17 years ago
I see nothing wrong with it she's grown woman and he's a grown man they can do what they want.
tnyankee94
17 years ago
Um, no no no no and no. You have a right to be concerned about this. It is not appropriate in any way.
17 years ago
yes....it is inappropriate



talk to your hisband maybe ask him to talk to her about it and tell her its his time and he wants to spend it with his family. good luck!
Jack Black
17 years ago
It is fine. If you are jealous consider a threesome to break the tension. Besides, they are already quite familiar with each other already!!!
Mommy 2 Be 12/30/08
17 years ago
hell no
fuermen
17 years ago
common sense...
Daniel M
17 years ago
You sound like an insecure paranoid.


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