Why can't I get past my wife's emotional affair?

Question

Last year, our marriage ran into a rut. I was in school and working, leaving me emotionally withdrawn. My wife turned to a friend at work. She was texting and calling him before, during, and after work. They went out for lunch a few times and he thought he might be falling in love with her. She says she did not love him and that they never even kissed. I believe her too. They decided not to go further before I found out. I found out two days later when I saw his text that said: "I'm still in mourning over what we lost."
We have had successful counseling since then and have been getting along better than ever. I know she loves me and although she still works with him, I believe that she does not feel the same way and that it was only because I was being withdrawn.
The problem is that I'm left with occasional anxiety, paranoia, and am taking valium. If I see something that I can't explain, like waking up and my wife has gotten up early, my heart starts pounding. How can I stop this?

Answer 1

I can understand what you are going thru. After discovering my husbands affair, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I heard his voicemail go off on his cell phone (which is how I discovered it....a vm late at night). I was pregnant at the time, which made it worse. Unfortunately, he left and didn't want to work it out. I think that if this guy is "mourning" than you should feel some comfort in knowing she set things straight with him. She is in counseling with you, another good sign. Maybe you can convince her to change jobs?? Or maybe confront him? Maybe explain what your wife means to you and you'd appreciate it if he takes a step back and allow you two the time to fix your marriage. Not saying be nice to him and be his friend. You can throw darts at his picture later...just to get him to see the consequences for his actions and appeal to his human side? You can manipulate him without him knowing it. Kind of marking your territory. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer kind of thing. I don't know. Maybe that will help you from feeling vulnerable.

Answer 2

First you must understand that she did not have an emotional affair. It would only have been an affair if she returned the feelings. Second, she was looking for a friend and someone to talk to since you were not there. It could have just as easily been a woman. She needed a friend, he tried to take it someplace else, she said no and ended it. You should be proud to have such a wife.



Lastly, the only way to get over your fears is to be there for your wife. Every day you are home together, ask her about her day and tell her about yours and REALLY LISTEN. Next, when you are away from her, send her a text message telling her how much you miss her or better yet, tell her what you are going to do when you see her if you know what I mean and then follow- through.

In other words, be her boyfriend. Remember those things you did for her before you got married, do them again. I GUARANTEE if you are 100% present, she will not want to cheat and remember, SHE DID NOT CHEAT!

Answer 3

Your trust is in tatters.

Communication is what matters.

You are justified to be paranoid.

Too bad that can't fill the void.

The solution I fear

lies not in that beer (or valium).

You've lost your manhood

If you were she, you would



My advice:

1. You need to know if this was a mistake (1 off), or has she lost all feelings for you.

2. Get it somewhere other than home. You're an emotional wreck right now...and you lack perspective.

There is something about nailing another woman that brings back your manhood....which could very well save your marriage.



Face it, you can't win her back by being a snivelly, insecure sadsack.

No therapist will ever give you this advice, but secretly many know this to be true.

Answer 4

Get off the valium and go back to counseling for yourself. You are having panic attacks due to anxiety about losing your wife. This anxiety could have existed all along, but the actions of your wife have triggered these emotions to the surface.



Valium is a powerful drug and very addictive and has a lot of side effects, especially effecting one's emotional stability and perceptions of reality. You need to wean yourself off the drug and get into personal counseling to learn to deal with the root cause of your anxiety.

Answer 5

What's an emotional affair? If she isn't banging some other guy, then it's just a friendship, nothing more! There's no such thing as an emotional affair.



An affair is when you have a wife/husband at home or at work and you're banging someone else on the side - it's a PHYSICAL reality, - not some poppycock emotional bs.

Answer 6

It was an emotional affair. The intimate, inner workings of what is really going on. Affairs of any kind are terrible but with an emotional one, that means far more, then a physical one, to me at least.

To be honest, it would be unfair of yourself to expect you to get over this. To find ways to stop feeling like this.

Your wife willingly betrayed you. Your wife willingly put herself in situations where things could manifest. She deceived you. She betrayed you. She didn't have an ounce of respect or couth for you. She did it. She did this to you. And she is still doing it. My gawd....that is all I have to say.

You will always suspect her of something and it would be completely unfair of her to expect any different from you.

I would never in a million years have an affair of any kind but if something ever happened, first of all I would expect him to leave. I would expect him to walk out on me but for some reason if he didn't, then I would at least expect him to question me all the time. He would have a big enough reason to.

I think that you are being too hard on yourself. One day at a time. And remember that there are certain things that you can not control. What she does is one of them. But at least she could have a lot more respect and love for you. Especially since she was the one whom cheated.

Answer 7

Accept the fact that you wife choose YOU, not the co-worker. She commited to YOUR relationship. I would suggest a checkup, there might be a physical/mental problem that is hindering your going forward.



Realize that you're one of the lucky ones - many spouses take the easy way out and move onto other relationships rather than commit themselves to the hard work of repairing a relationship.

Answer 8

You Are doing a lot to help your marriage already. So good job to you. Bring these heart pounding situations up in counseling. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife cheating on you. You are doing well.

Answer 9

You should be happy your wife has come clean with this. Even though nothing happened it still means she thought about it. She chose you over the other man.

You should maybe go away together for a long romantic weekend.. Make it a surprise to her. She missed your attention and loving. Stop blaming yourself too. Make an effort to destress your life. Good luck.

Answer 10

100% agree with ibuildfuru.



Get off that Valium and work on yourself. Do it for you and no one else and you will feel proud when you come out the other side and see that you have left the emotional wreckage behind. Don't wait, just do it! Sort your life out!



Good luck!!

Answer 11

sorry to say, chances are very strong she went further with him than she admits or you are willing to believe. maybe the two of you can put the whole thing behind you and go on, if either of you can't, then you are heading for a separation.

Answer 12

Take a vacation. Spoil your wife let her know you have not lost it. Now you can get past this. I like that you were open enough to understand that women need friendship from their husbands too

Answer 13

The only time a physical compliment is expected and truly appreciated by a woman (unless she’s naked) is when you first pick her up for a date. Learn here http://AttractAnyWoman.emuy.info/?2OL2

She has put forth a great deal of effort to look good for you and her efforts should be acknowledged. Tell her she looks pretty or beautiful; maybe give her a little spin while you appreciate her loveliness. Then stop. After that moment all compliments should be general, like “that’s fascinating”, “cool” and “awesome”. You will make a woman feel more attractive by letting her know that that she is interesting and special than you will by talking about her physical attributes.

Answer 14

Because she choose security in another man over you. It sucks to feel that way. Im sorry.

Answer 15

Time and communication and more counseling.

Answer 16

Because it was so hurtful.