My wife still holds a grudge against my mother, she hates my mom. Would you?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 5 years and since my 1st date with my wife my mom has disliked her.

My mom has said lies about my wife to family members to turn them against her. She always finds something wrong with my wife that she dislikes. My wife is 100% different than my mom and that’s why I married her!

6 months before our wedding, my mother told my wife that she and her family didn’t think my wife was good enough to marry me and that they didn’t want me to marry “someone like her”.

Needless to say my wife still dislikes my mother 2 years later. My mother doesn’t say anything to our face anymore about my wife, and my wife is polite to my mother, but my wife can’t stand my mother.

I have pushed my mother away and I don’t see her too often because of how she has treated my wife.

I don’t think my wife will get over this, she says she intends on being the best mother and wife just to rub it in my mother's face.

Any advice? Is it okay my wife dislikes my mom?

Answer 1

Yes, it is OK for your wife to dislike your mom. Sounds like it is to be expected. YOU however, need to put your foot down & tell your mom (in no uncertain terms) that you married who you loved. Your mom did not marry her so she needs to keep her meddling to herself and stop trying to start crap for your wife. Best advice, stand by your wife; don't let your mom treat her badly-she is after all-YOUR mom.

Answer 2

Wow, it sounds like you have quite a predicament on your hands! Fortunately, it also sounds like the underlying problem between your wife and your mother stems from the fact that they both love you so much...and that should at least make you feel a little happy, despite the tension between them.



You mom loves you so she probably wouldn't think ANY woman is good enough for you, because she thinks you are so absolutely wonderful that know one else comes close.



And your wife loves you so much that she is determined to be a good wife and mother despite how unfairly your mom treats her, and she has stuck by your side and has not left the relationship even though she has a lot stacked against her.



Honestly, I think that your wife has a right to be upset with your mom if she has in fact been this cruel...but she shouldn't try to get revenge, and she should be a good wife and mother just to be a good wife and mother. Not to spite your mom.



I know it may be a little late, but I think that having the three of you sit down and talk would be a good idea. I think your mom needs to know that you and your wife are going to stay together and are very happy and that your happiness should be more important to her than anything else. Yeah, maybe there are other girls that your mom thinks are "better", but you have found the best and she needs to respect that. And maybe if she sees how much your wife loves you and how well she treats you, she will understand why you are with her and not someone else.



They really need to talk about their fears instead of all the underhand bickering and being mad.

For YOUR sake!



And it sounds like being good to you is one thing they can both agree on.



Sorry for the novel, I am just trying my best to help. :)

Answer 3

I too, am in the same boat as your wife, I feel that my mother-in-law dislikes me as well and has given me a hard time even though it has been 4 years later and with 1 son. But, unlike your wife and not to put her down, I still am civil with her and even though I disagree with some of the stuff she pulls, I remember that this woman will be with me( through my Husband and son) for a long time and that I should try to make it pleasant as possible but that's just me. Respect your wife's decision and don't force her to do anything she might feel uncomfortable with. I understand she's your mother, but now you have an extentsion of yourself, another half so to speak and she has to accept the whole package. And not to be mean, but I feel as though you should've intervened more and by not doing so you let the stituation become greater. Give your wife time and if your mother says rude comments, put her in her place. Take it from someone who's been there

Answer 4

You are right by keeping your loyalty with your wife, and it looks like you're doing everything right to try to handle the situation. Your mother felt threatened that any other woman in your life would take you away from her...she needs to understand from you that her reaction to feeling threatened is exactly what has driven you away.



And you need to lovingly tell your wife that your concerned about what her holding a grudge is doing to her health. It's okay for her to not like your mom, or want to hang out with her (hey there are very few perfect in-law relationships out there) but you don't want her to get worked up into a lot of anger too often because it will only negatively effect herself.



Congrats on your decision to have a baby. and who knows, often times grandkids are the great heart softener in situations like this.

Answer 5

I think that I would dislike your mom too. She sound slike she has been horrid to your wife, and I commend your wife on being civil towards her for your sake. No matter what though you need to stick on your wife's side, and not let your mother poison your marriage. Women are mean anyway and hold grudges longer than men so it might tkae yout wife some time to get over it. Just respect ehr feelings.

Answer 6

I think your wife has every right to act the way she is towards your mother. She is being polite to your mother when she comes into contact with her but isn't being a fake. She respects her because she's your mother. I get the understanding that your mom is jealous of you and your wife's relationship. I think you should step up to the plate and tell your mom something, in a respectful manner of course, if you havn't already. I think your wife has every right to dislike your mom according to the information you've provided

Answer 7

Yes its OK.I'm in the same situation.My husband and i have been together 9 yrs and we recently got married earlier this year.So that right there really killed his mom.I never given her a reason not to like me but oh well.I cant stand her either, but i too, am polite to her.But i do stay away as much as possible.And go ahead and have children, have as many as u please. we have 2, and on New Years, that B**** made the remark to me that she didn't want anymore grandchildren from us.Well we been trying for our 3rd every since.She too is divorced and lonely.She just a old grumpy B****.Over the weekend, she made a comment to our 7 yr old that really upset her, and she came crying to me.I usually have my husband talk to his mom when i have a problem, but this situation included my daughter so i had the conversation myself.Believe me, it wasn't nice either.Are u close with ur mom? Does it bother u they don't like each other? if it does then, u need to talk to ur mom and tell her it was wrong for lieing about ur wife.she needs to apologize.Then maybe they can start all over.Unlike me, my husband and his mom aren't close at all, so he's got my back 100%. We didnt even get a congrats on our marriage.She told him i cant believe u really did it.Best of luck to u both

Answer 8

Your mother was unkind from the beginning and you should have said something to her right then and there.



Your mother needs to understand that she is entitled to her opinion as long as she keeps it to herself.



You married the person you feel in love with and are building a life with. Your mother should be elated that you are so happy and even though she had jumped the gun on making comments about your wife, before you were married, I think mom owns her daughter in law an apology.



Your wife is right about the best wife and mother part. It is going to drive your mother crazy that this relationship is surviving, that your wife is perfect for you and that you are both so happy togther.



Good luck to you both.

Answer 9

If everything you said about your mother is true, it is ok for your wife not to like your mother. It seems that your mother is never going to accept your wife and you cannot reward behavior like that. It's great that your mother has stopped saying things to your face, but she really needs to let go a little. Don't even bother trying to get her a hobby or a boyfriend, because you are her hobby.



As far as your relationship with her, if you want to improve your relationship with her-you can-but your mother is going to have to do the work. Tell her that if she wants things to improve between the two of you that she has to learn to accept your wife or they will never get better. Do no listen to people who tell you that you should just live with it because she is your mother. Also, do not use the child you are about to have as a weapon against her. However, if your mother continues and it starts to affect your child, you have to put a stop to that. Maybe you should even be up front with her and let her know that you would never keep her grandchild from her, but she cannot continue to bad mouth your wife-not in front of the baby.



The only reason that your mother is doing what she is doing is for control and you can't give her that. I understand that you are her only child, but a parents job is to raise a child and then let go, your mom can't do the last part. You should also keep in mind that she is terrified of being alone (not that this is an excuse).



If your wife has no intention of trying to remedy the situation between her and your mother, make sure that she does not stoop to your mother's level and start making comments like she does. When and if she hears anything your mom has said, her response should always be, 'I'm sorry she feels like that.' Always be as nice as pie, because in addition to wanting control, she wants your wife to flip out and if she says nothing and is nice to your mother (and everyone your mother talks to) your mother is going to be pissed.



I know this is a lot, but think of it like this-What if you gave in to your mother and allowed her to just drive your wife out of the family. Do you think your mother and the rest of the family are going to take away the pain you feel--NO. They're going to tell you I told you so and you're going to be left with a hole in your heart for the woman you love. Sometimes, you have to let go of people who are not good for you and sometimes that includes family.





Good luck

Answer 10

Are you an adult or a child? If you are an adult, then you need to act like it. It is NOT the childs fault that the ex is her mother. I am assuming that this happened before you were in the picture. so there is a child that is the product of a previous relationship, GET OVER IT!! If you love the father than you should love the child, and treat her as you would your own. Hate the mother, all you want but if you want to be the one that smells like roses in the end, kill her with kindness. that is the best revenge of all. I know this as a fact, my step daughter told her mother that she loved me more because I have time for her and care more about her than she (the mom) does. OUCH!!!!!

Answer 11

It would be hard to like a mother in law who has not tried to be nice, and maligned your wife to other people. I used to have a mean and jealous mother in law, so I sympathize.

I don't know your wife, but it sounds like she must be a decent person if she is polite to your mother when she sees her. However, I would not let spite be any motivation for any type of behaviour, one way or another. If your wife is going to be the best wife and mother, then to "rub it in your mother's face" should not be her reason or motivation. It is wrong to carry hate in one's heart. I used to be very sweet to my mother in law (I'm divorced from her son now but not because of her!). When she said rude or self-centered things, I just pitied her and let it be water off a duck's back. We only saw her on holidays, and lived across town- so I didn't have to deal with her very often.

My advice to your wife would be to continue to be polite, and patient. Adversity can build character. And try not to hold animosity in your heart. Prove her wrong about you.

My advice to you is to level with your mother. Be kind, but tell her that she has been very hurtful to someone you love dearly, your wife, your chosen life mate, and she is hurting you when she is unkind to your wife. While you want to respect your mother always, you want her to respect your decisions as an adult. You may have done this already, as you say she has not said anything else to your faces.

I can tell you, as a mother of a 14 year old son, I look forward to being part of all the big events of his life. I hope I will like and approve of the woman he someday chooses to marry, but there is always a chance I won't. It seems like yesterday he was little and in my arms, now he spends all his time with his friends and doesn't know I exist. Sometimes it is hard to let go.

I know this is a difficult situation, so I wish you luck. God bless your home and your relationships.

Answer 12

I know this is a tough situation, it would be nice if everyone could get along however since they don't I say: You married your wife so that is where your support should go. Your Mother seems to be pushing herself out of the picture and maybe that's a good thing considering the circumstances.

Answer 13

First of all how would you feel if one or both of her parents said these same things to you and continued to do so? What would be the point of her liking her? Sounds like she has a problem of sharing her son and letting go to another woman. Have you sat down and talked one on one with your mother......you should...no one else around. Get to the bottom of this and make her realize this woman is your wife and will be the mother of your children and will make her a grandmother. This is up to your mother to create a loving environment for the entire family, she is doing a huge injustice and I am surprised she doesn't even care. This sounds to be your mothers problem and why would your wife enjoy the company of someone who would try and make her feel unwanted, etc. Sorry, but I couldn't help but dislike someone who has such negative actions and words......I am proud of your wife that she is able to be polite. Good Luck!! You need to talk to Mom.



***JUST READ ADDED DETAILS and Mom needs therapy....she hasn't let go of the bitterness of her past (the man in her life other than you) and she has looked to you for support, love, friend, etc. She has a huge trust issue and unfortunately by her bitterness she has deprived herself of a wonderful daughter whom she could love and in return receive love. It really is her loss......and in the meantime what a big responsibility for you to have always felt responsible for your mothers well being. Hopefully, she trusts you enough to get the help she really needs to become a happier, loving person. She needs to figure out the skills/tools it will take to overcome this negative way of life she has created for her and you. I wish you the best.....continue loving your wife and encourage your mother to take the steps to love herself in order to love others. It is up to her to change her outlook and behavior, not yours.

Answer 14

Yes, it is natural that she would dislike her. You say that she is polite to her and that is all that you can really ask of her. It was after all your mom that got this ball rolling. I know that it must be hard to push your mom away but it is a natural consequence of her actions. Maybe in time things will get better. It used to be that way for my mother in law and I. I was so worried about my marriage because I disliked his mom so much. It was also not easy that my husband put pressure on me to be the "bigger person" all the time. I hope things work out for you and your family! Good Luck!

Answer 15

Of course its okay for her not to like your mom. However, she should forgive her anyway for your future children's sake.

I am so glad that you have put your wife first while still honoring your mother anyway. I wish you much luck. Sometimes a grandchild could be the bridge that reconnects you.

But, maybe not. Keep on stickin with your wife for that is the proper order when you get married.

Answer 16

I don't know why she dislikes her but I know exactly how your wife feels I hate my mother in law just because my ways are different then what she would like them to be she has hated me too so now I am like f*ck her I don't give a sh*t about her and if she were to die I would not attend her funeral we were living with her and it came to the point where I had to tell my husband either me or her and picked me so she mad about that also but I didn't want to live with her and I am not going to

Answer 17

Let your wife be supernice to your mom for some-time. Your mom will learn a lesson from her. She will learn to forgive and respect her.



Parents are needed in all stages of life. Life is more meaningful with them around. Try to some how work it out. Communicate if needed.



If all else fails you have no choice but to just leave your mom alone and just never visit her. And let her know how hard you tried to cope up.

Answer 18

Yes, its okay that your wife feels this way toward your mother. you said it yourself how rude your mother has been to her and how your wife is nice to her in front of her. So what you need to do is tell you mother how much you love your wife and how much you value your relationship with your mother. Ask her why she feels this way about your wife. Are you an only child?

"Your sons your son until he takes a wife"

You need to let your mother know that she hasnt lost you yet but if she continues to treat your wife and marriage with disrespect you will have no option but to cut her out of your life only for your marriage and sanity's sake.

Answer 19

I went through something very similar with my mother-in-law. SHe was very jealous of me and the attention I got from her son from day 1. I went through hell with her and cried myself to sleep plenty of nights over it. She even called me 2 weeks after we got married and said "I'll always be his mother, will you always be his wife?" All I can tell you is that you need to support your wife, your mother is being malicious and vindictive and you need to do the right thing. I carried a lot of anger and we fought a lot because of the way she treated me, I felt like he didn't care while I would never tolerate anyone treating him that way. For your wife: I finally wrote my mother in law a letter and told her what I thought of they way she treated me, and that I was tired of being the red haired step child of the family. I went into detail about how she would be treated if she continued. SInce then we really don't speak and when we HAVE to it cordial but I let it all go in that letter and felt much, much better.

Answer 20

My Mom Wife

Answer 21

Something similar happened to me.. so I feel empathy towards your wife! Good for your for seeing the lies and standing on the side with your wife! What a man! :)



Having said that.. tell your wife to store this little gem of experience away for a later day and time..one day she herself will be a mother in law..because she has such a bad example..she can learn from the mistakes made by her own mother in law...and become a wonderful mother in law herself..one day!



Best wishes! And again..HATS OFF TO YOU for acknowledging the injustice done to your wife by your own mother. Many sons would have turned a blind eye!

Answer 22

Sure it is OK for her to dislike your mother. I also want to give a big kudos to you for sticking by your wife. As long as your wife is polite to your mother then I say she is allowed to like or dislike who she wants. Maybe over time they will find a common bond and your mother will realize that she makes you happy so she should be happy. It is hard for some mothers to let go of the apron strings and no one will ever be good enough for their son or daughter. Good luck and again your a great husband for sticking by you wife.

Answer 23

So your mom has hated your wife from day 1?



Uh...why?



I know there is a reason...just say it.



But yes...it's quite okay for your wife to dislike your mom. Your obligation is to your wife and new family - not your mom. Side with your wife, and explain to your mom that if she can't get along with your new wife, then you won't come around.



Then your mom will have the choice. She can forget all this childishness, or she can not see her son and family.



She'll change her mind.

Answer 24

I'm in the same position with my mother in law. She dislikes me to because I'm too good for her son, she doesn't want to see him succeed in life. Strange. Personally, I don't like his mother and probably never will and he understands but he still associates with her once in a while but tells her it is none of her business as long as he is happy. He just doesn't visit or discuss us with her. You can be happy together without having association between them. I am. I hope I've helped some.

Answer 25

Don't try to force a new relationship between the two of them. Just forget it an move on. Cherish your wife because she has stuck with you through all of this. It is not worth the worry or the time to deal with anyone that self centered.

Answer 26

It depends on why you mother dislike's your wife. If its something stupid, then don;t worry too much about it. If your wife has (or had) a criminal record, drug problems, at least one ex husband, kids that aren't yours, etc......At least you should understand why your mom feels as she does (you don't have to agree, just understand). Either way I doubt there is much you can do about it so I wouldn;t worry so much.

Answer 27

My mother in law was the same way. Only thing is she said dumb, stupid things to my face. I remained calm for the sake of my husband and our child that we've had after 7 years of marriage. She sort of mellowed out some but still spiteful after the birth of our son. I've always remain civilized, cut her grass and do things for her when she asked but that I truly like her, the answer is not really! But it doesn't cost me anything to be civil for the sake of peace.

Answer 28

I am currently in that kind of situation....................



What i did was to ignore my mother in law and act like she never did anything cos my husband never discussed it and she had to own up to it when she felt i was cold towards her..........



But the truth is u will need to arrange a meeting sometime between urself, ur wife and ur mother and the issues should be ironed out...it makes for greater peace!

Answer 29

What were you expecting? Your mother was mean to her. Your wife is polite to her from what i understand, and frankly I think you should be grateful for that. It might repair one day. However it might be a good idea for your wife to come to family functions to show how nice and forgiving she is.

Answer 30

my husband and i have been together for 14 years and his mother and i don't get along either. She has said things about me like your mother has about your wife. my husbands mother and i don't really speak to each other and my husband doesn't talk to her much either. it's alright for your wife to dislike your mother. she has every reason to. at least she's polite to her when she sees her.

Answer 31

I totally agree with everybody else..u need to stick with your wife and put your foot down..Your mom does not need to interfere in your relationship. You are doing a good job in choosing your wife.

Answer 32

That really sux. I feel for you man. Either one of them needs to be a grownup and deal with the issues that they have. There might be some unresolved conflict that is causing all this.



It's tough, but maybe you can encourage one of them to do this. Tell them how it's making you feel.

Answer 33

Your wife has ever right, at least she is going to live her own life and not be discouraged by your mom, you have a great wife, hold on to her!

Answer 34

No offense, but your mother sounds like a horrible, bitter, judgemental woman, I'm with your wife on this one.

Answer 35

iam in the same problem and the best way that i figged out is to just let it be and try not to be in the middle .. yes some time i have to try to cool both of them off but hey some day your mom will die and it will all be over... Good luck..

Answer 36

i know how you feel! my fiance cant stand my parents.it kind of hurts some times cause he says hateful things about them.he is a nice guy dont get me wrong, but my mom and dad you would have to know them!they taught me to depend on a man not to be independant. i dont totally blame them for the way am today, but i could have been better with the right guidance, i see what they did wrong at raising me and im tryin to change that now but my for my sisters it is a way of life for them now they have to depend on others to feed their family and i dont want to be that way!!its almost like they did experiments on raising each of us kids! i do love them but dont suppport their ways.instead of saying when you grow up you need to get a good job to support your self, they would say when you grow up your goin to have to find a rich man to take care of you!i guess it is okay for her to dislike your mom just leave you out of it and keep her thoughts to her self cuz im sure it does hurt to hear mena things about your mom. and plus you dont want to be in the middle all of the time. you cant change how she feels about your mom just what she says when your around.good luck on that!!

Answer 37

Yes it's okay. Don't let no one take away your happiness.

Answer 38

it may not b ok, but it is normal,

alot of girl, ladies, women, just get in the way, or go out of their way, 2 b mean,

my inlaw was a beatiful ladie, she was there 4 me,

untill her son beat me, i left him, she got mad at him,

but i still left em,

i've never been happier !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 39

that sucks, i probably wouldn't like her much either. Maybe they will work it out, but thats a hard one.

Answer 40

Try having a baby...