Online relationship: do I end it?

Question

Hi guys. :)
Okay, so. I am part of a Wiki project, not Wikipedia, the organization is called Wikia. A long time ago, I was just a regular girl browsing there for my favorite characters and to help the wiki I am in grow. Soon enough, I joined IRC, a programme used for chatting and it was really nice. One year after I had joined, I met this guy who started teasing me for my excessive use of emoticons and then flirting with me. I first got annoyed, but then it pleased me. I have had no real romantic relationships in real life yet because I seem to be so demanding, or so insecure that I literally think nobody gives me value. So, I was suprised that this guy valued me so much. I was so happy that I thought I had fallen in love. Like, really in love.

Due to this, we rushed things a lot. We got "engaged" after a month of knowing each other and "married" after another month, on December 18. We started talking a lot from that moment, and we even have a private channel of our own, where we can talk about everything. We even pretend to kiss and touch each other. However, as I have grown, I have also learned much more about self-value and self-esteem when I went to psychologist sessions after going through a deep depression due to my parents' marital issues, which affected me, and the bullying I had to face at school. I used to be in front of the computer all the time and barely get out, so we had a lot of time for each other. This has changed radically since I am often absent now, because I am trying to carry on with my life and sometimes I just don't want to go there, I am no longer addicted. I went with my best friend to the countryside for a week, without telling anyone online and I had to quit the wiki. This has become a vicious cycle: whenever it's schooltime, I disappear for days, weeks, sometimes months, and when I come back, he is prompt to tell me he has missed me so much and asks me whenever I will be on next time, with me telling him that I will be very busy and not sure. I feel guilty in a way, because we used to play Minecraft together and he was always expressing his love for me there through hearts and houses he constructed for me and even our "engagement ring" is represented there. To be honest, I'm fading away and he probably thinks this as well. I've tried to tell him that I have been so busy and I feel bad for not coming online and not talking to him and he always responds with "it's okay :)", and I have even almost suggested breaking up, by saying "maybe you should forget me :(" to which he responded "I can't :(".

The problem with this relationship is that now I'm sure I don't love him in the way he does. I care for him, but I have become a very deep person (or consider myself to be) and very open to all subjects and social changes, very critical as well. And he's just so agreeable, with everything I say. Sometimes I wonder if I had completely different beliefs, he'd still agree with them. He doesn't go in depth with whatever I try to discuss with him, saying just "mhm", "yeah", and for me, that's just not enough unfortuantely, I need someone deeper in thoughts. I still feel guilty, in a way, I used him without acknowledging it because of my low self-esteem. He is a special person, I'm not saying otherwise, but not in that way and not for me.

I got shocked once, when I tried to discuss an attraction I felt to a fellow classmate. I said to him that I was falling in love with someone else. He responded "I knew we'd have this conversation sooner or later and I knew something was up when you started talking about him, and I won't prevent from being happy with him", "But if you mind me, I ask you to do both at the same time" "The virtual world and real life do not touch, you can do this if you keep the universes separate". Basically. I got shocked, since he was asking me to have a double life. He doesn't seem to mind that I would be cheating on him. Also, this guy I was falling in love with in real life didn't turn out to be who I thought, so I disregarded my affection for him. This got me more distrustful regarding our relationship, in a way I think he is very blinded by me and so obsessed with me that he doesn't want to lose me no matter what, which I find selfish but can understand. He seems to love me, and he is always telling me how smart, beautiful, kind I am. But I'm just not sure about my feelings for him any longer.

Should I end the relationship (of almost two years now)?

Answer 1

Yes, end it. I have had relationships like this, and they are a lie, plain and simple. Based on the information you have given, he is already living this double life, and you're it. He is using you as an "escape" from his real life, which no doubt, includes a wife or girlfriend. And as far as telling you you're smart, beautiful, etc., he is simply stroking your ego, to keep you mollified. He never wants to talk about anything serious and you said it yourself, he always gives you 1 word, simple answers with no explanations on his opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. Evasiveness is always a sign of hiding something- he's hiding his ACTUAL LIFE from you. You mean nothing to him, except someone to stroke his fragile ego. You have to ask yourself if this is really alright with you, but you've pretty much made it very clear that you want to end this charade and join the real world, because this is not. It's a fantasy world that you 2 have created, at a time when you thought you needed each other. Now, you don't. He simply wants to hang on to his ego stroker and not start back at square 1. Don't be afraid to end it. In order TO end it, I'm sorry, you will have to completely break off contact. Yes, it will hurt, but breaking an emotional connection, even one that's pretty shallow-based, always does. It hurt a lot for me, but the pain does lessen and eventually go away in time, and in the long run, you'll be VERY thankful you did. This kind of "relationship" is hurtful to you, and hurtful to him, too, though it's obvious that he can't see that. Unfortunately, men don't think in terms of cause and effect, and how their actions have eventual consequences, because they only want to enjoy themselves in the here and now. It's all that testosterone running around in their bodies, affecting everything, especially, their ability to THINK.

Anyway, sorry for the novel, but I hope that my answer has helped, even if it turned into a bit of a rant there at the end, haha, sorry! Best of luck to you, I really hope that you can do this, you will be so glad you did in the long run, trust me. If you cannot, I understand; it was a very difficult thing for me to do and it took me quite awhile for me to actually do it. But I had to do it, because continuing on was wearing me down in the worst kind of way and the guilt of what I was doing just kept getting worse and worse. Overall, I had convinced myself of pretty much the same thing that you have- that I needed this relationship to prove my worth, but in the end, I realized that it was a lie, and that "I" was the one being used. I put my feet down and walked away, and I've never looked back. And yes, I am SO glad I did :)

Answer 2

YES! End that relationship. First you have to understand, it's not real! You have never met the person, have you? The guy, or whoever it is on the other end will go trolling for another "internet wife". You have no ties to this internet affair. There is no reason for you to feel guilty, get off the computer as you said you've been doing and keep going out with real people.

It's too easy. Delete the account, change your email address and go have fun with real people in a real town near you! Good idea.

Sorry to hear your parents went through some stuff and hope that all works out.

Answer 3

If the guy you met in the virtual world had true feelings for you, then he would like to meet you in person to see if there was a true connection. The bad thing about the virtual world is that someone can be whom they would LIKE to be, not necessarily whom she or he actually is. This may be a person you pass on the street and not even give a second glance too, nor feel you have any connection with if you had a cup of coffee together. You keep calling it a 'relationship', but strange how HE has made no effort to meet you.

Answer 4

This belongs in Singles & Dating...and the only relationship you can have online, with someone you never met face-to-face, is chat buddies (the online version of pen pals)...



Yes, you should end this chat relationship since he's more into it than you are, and remind him that he needs to spend time off the computer meeting live people and having a real life, and not lonly a virtual life...



Fantasies are great, but to live in a fantasy world is just begging to be hurt and disappointed...and the real thing is so much more fun and rewarding...