How do you stop thinking about your wife with another man?

Question

last year i found out my wife and best freiind texted each other for 5 months behind my back, and was obviously angry but was able to get through it because i love my wife, hate my mate though! i always suspected there was more and on saturday it came out they had slept together and they admitted to having an affair. i love my wife and don't want to lose her, and i know i'll work it out, i just want o know from people who have been in this ituation how you stop horrible images (i'm sure you know what i mean) coming into your head.

Answer 1

Find one of her friends that is younger, thinner, and has a passive aggressive streak.



Get her friend to go out and drink heavily.



Get her friend to do carnal things with you that your wife would never do. Back door action, whatever. Take some photos or video if you like.



Tell her about it or don't - but either way you won't be angry about her and your mate any more.

Answer 2

I've been in your situation and i know how the images make you feel. Believe it or not these will go away. It's a long road to get yourself past the hurt and anger. If one knows the person whom the spouse cheated with it makes the images more vivid because you are familiar with each of the people. Every time the images would surface i'd replace the image with something positive. There are things that remind you of the situation that gets you thinking about it (for me it was making my morning cup of tea/coffee). You have to push those thoughts out of your head when they surface. I understand you love your wife but ask yourself if you believe that your wife really loves you. People say once a cheater always a cheater. I beleive this to be true. Be well aware if your wife cheated she is more likely to cheat again given the right circumstances. The most important thing is that you don't beat yourself up over the poor choice your wife made.

Answer 3

My friend I commend you for staying with your wife and being a forgiving husband. It is a big man to endure this. There is no time limit on getting past what happened. There is no way to just switch it off in your mind. It's as bad as seeing a bad accident or a dead body---you see it for a long time...that is only natural. To be a bigger man and really forgive everyone, arrange to talk to your wife and have a sane conversation about what has happened and how it affected you. See if you can get a promise to both start over and make the relationship strong again...and talk things over if it begins to waver at a future time. Your mate is also involved and you should calmly talk to him about how it hurt you that he did what he did. Do not look for an excuse or even an apology---just let him hear you speak about what you feel. Do not yell or threaten or gesture or anything like that...you just want to clear your mind and get started over again. Not many men marry a virgin and that doesn't seem to have a lasting effect on the marriage----so start over and get past it in a peaceful way. Do this and I'll bet you are able to clear your mind of the thoughts and still keep your wife and friend. Personally I would like to wish you all the best at settling this and please try to remain calm and human about it. You have done very very well so far. PEACE

Answer 4

Your wife having an affair is difficult at the best of times but with your best friend - that is the ultimate betrayal!

Unfortunately these images will come into your head on a regular basis for quite a while but don't let the anger and jealousy eat away at you or it will ruin any future you and your wife have because you will become bitter and twisted.

Avoid throwing the affair in her face every time you argue too.

Good luck you're a stronger person than me - I could never forgive someone for an affair.

Answer 5

Why do you place the value you have of yourself in being with your wife?



You obviously have not got over it. It felt wrong, it was wrong and still is wrong and you are still reeling from how wrong it was. You're only human. If your wife cared about your relationship, she would not have let things go that far (she had the power). Any man can fancy her all they like but its how she allows the attraction to develop that is the true test.



On the other hand, what was going on in your relationship when she and your "mate" slept together? Are you sure you're being fair by being angry at your mate? How are you so sure its stopped? If she' done it once, she can do it twice.

Answer 6

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Although I have not been through this exact thing, I did have something similar that caused great pain. When I was dating my husband (before we got married) we broke up for a few weeks and in that few week period, he slept with another woman. When I found this out, I thought I was going to die! We decided to get back together and eventually married. I would say these thoughts and images crept into my mind DAILY for at least 2-3 years after the fact but they have slowly but surely dissipated and I very rarely ever think of it anymore. I think only time will heal your wounds. The further you get away from the incident (time wise), the better you will feel. I know it must hurt so deeply but I promise it will get better! Good luck and God bless you!

Answer 7

your a brave man, it's good that you love her enough to try and work it out, but at the same time you can not just pour all your hate towards your mate, she was also part of this action and if anything there is more of a betrayl there. If you are still having images maybe you need to go see a professional in this area. If it was the sat just gone that is understandable. In your gut you knew there was something going on which probably makes it hard as well, you may also have unresolved issues with your wife because of the betrayl and lack of trust if you are going to work it out you may need to go to counselling together. This way you can both talk in a controlled environment and feel comfortable enough to discuss it with each other openly

Answer 8

If you got rid of your wife you love .That would not help You would have even more worst thoughts in your head .You have got to learn to trust her, has long has she is still living with you.try to fill the void. That is missing that caused her to go with your mate.She is still there for you.in body and soul You fight for to keep her.There is only one person that can stop the images in your head is you.Your wife deep down did not enjoy it with your EX mate like you.Sex is not so important to a woman like it is a man .The romance part the talking.Telling her sometimes how much you need her.And really love her its has simple has that. Take some where that holds fond memories for both of you. Before you were married just the 2 of you .Try to forget the images whats done is done I hope this helps you a little Faint heart never won fair lady best of luck go for it

Answer 9

You don't. It fades over time but never stops entirely.



I was told to sleep with someone else to help take the images away, so I could think of me with someone else during the bad times, but it doesn't work. I carefully selected my first 1 night stand, that didn't help so I kept doing it over a period of about 6 months. That was a couple of years ago now and I will never do it again, but it didn't take the images of my husband with his extramarital affairs away.



The result was it left me feeling cheap and desperate and this became just another thing for me to hate my husband about beacause as I saw it, he drove me to it.



Try to understand why it happened, a cliche, I know. But during periods when you are feeling strong it does help. It also helps with any future relationships you may or may not have. Just learning.



Time is the answer, you will never get over it entirely. It has changed you and your relationship with your wife forever.



It may be that it gets to much in the end. At the moment things are highly charged and emotional and your desire is to make the relationship with your wife work. Over time this changes and maybe indirectly as a result of what has happened you give up your desire and drift away from wanting to reconcile with her. The hurt is so massive and so ongoing it may be that in time you will give up the fight and rest with the solution that the only way you can rid yourself of this emotional weight is without her.



You will find your own way. Nobody can tell you how, it is a totally personal thing. It is comforting though to know that it happens to the majority of married couples. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think that you need to deal with some things in your heart. If you believe that you love your wife and that you KNOW that you will get over it, then you should ask yourself why you keep having those images and thoughts. It's probably because you know she is NOT trustworthy. Your attitude allows her to treat you this way. If you stand up for yourself whether you love her or not you will begin to get those images out your mind because you will be strong enough to let her live her life without having the right to cheat on you and hurt you the way she makes a lifestyle of it. It appears to be obvious that she doesn't love you enough to stop hurting you and neither does your "best friend". You should find out what true love really is. Love doesn't purposely hurt or want it's own way. Love is respectful and thinks of others needs. Your wife and best friend are not doing that. It appears that you don't even love or respect yourself. It appears that you are so dependant upon her that you are not even concerned with being happy in what little time here on earth you have. I hope you start to realize what I'm saying is so very true. You deserve to be loved, respected and happy, dude.

Answer 11

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Answer 12

Well it depends has she assured you it will never happen again?

Is she working to regain your trust?

Did she tell you why and how it happened?



IF she didn't make sincere efforts to patch things up and you STILL want to stay married you have these options:



1.) Go out and find a woman and get even. And make sure she knows. Then she has an idea of what if felt like

2.) Make her pay by organizing a 3some with you her and another girl. And even if she hates it she should act like she like is because her marriage depends upon it.

3.) Make it look like you are having an affair to give her a taste of her own medicine but the problem with that if she doesn't really care or she could decide to use it as an excuse.



Personally I'd suggest asking her to pack her things and leave then file for a separation. Until you can get over it. That way she's out of sight and if she really loves you she'll stay faithful. If you find her about town with another guy well then you was never yours to begin with and you should dump her.



I knew 3 couples in a similar situation. One just tried to be more sneaky about it and cover her track better. The other wasn't just sleeping with one she was sleeping wth 3. He just caught her with one. The last they tried to give it a try but because she didn't really try to atone and because he didn't believe her he stayed angry and basically she used that as an excuse to leave. She didn't really try and turned into well you didn't forgive me and it drove me away. Which is b.s. because if you make a mistake you know you have to work at it.



You also have to factor what you may or may not have done to contribute to the situation but that doesn't excuse her actions. She's your wife and she should have talked with you before letting it get to that. I'd suggest telling her you have been trying to get past it but you can't and she needs to move out and also find out what she really wants cuz what she did was really fucked up. If you let her off light she won't take it seriously. Then I'd suggest seeing a counselor while she's moved out. And see a counselor who IS married or been divorced (though that might call into question their skill. lol!)



Avoid counselors that only have the "theory" of marriage. Otherwise is like listening to someone with no kids tell you how to raise kids.



Good luck.

Answer 13

It is something that will never leave you. I am still trying to forget and it was nearly over a yr ago it happened to me. Dont stand back and take it. Do something about it. Go hit your friend, i tell you it will make you feel a whole lot better!! dont let folk walk all over you coz if you let them once they will just do it again and again!! As for your wife, if i was back in my situation now i would have handled it alot better. i would never have went back because its to hard and you think about it every single day and night and even when your asleep. I know you love your wife but if she can do it once, she can do it again. leave now while you still got the chance. dont stay and be unhappy like i am with my situation. All the trust is now gone and gone for good!!

Answer 14

When you first meet a lady,you date,and or marry you trust her.Why? Well usually because you have no reason not to,and over the time that you were dating ect she never gave you cause not to.When that trust is broken the only way to get it back is to first get over the issues you have with it.If you were really ready for that it wouldnt matter who it was that she was with.That would be unimportant,what would count is that you have made the decision to trust her again.You cant back up and start over again,so the only way for you to do it is to take a leap of faith.For this to work she will need to convince you,and you will have to believe her.If not the marriage will eventually fail probably.To get the images out of your head,just remember that he had her body,but you have her soul,and love.He got cheated,in fact he cheated himself,out of a friend.

Answer 15

I know exactly how you feel. After my boyfriend of two years cheated on me, I decided to stay with him because he regretted it and I loved him too much to give up on us. But, I could NOT get the image out of my head of him with the other woman. I talked to him about it and he felt so bad. He kept telling me that he would never do it again and he started crying, saying that it was the worst mistake he has ever made. He really made me feel better. My advice is that you tell your wife how you feel. Maybe she can make you feel better. I used to picture my boyfriend with her all the time, but I got passed that and it's been almost six months. Just try not to think about it. Remember, she stayed with YOU. She wants to be with YOU, nobody else. The saying really is true, time heals all wounds. Just give it time. Good luck....

Answer 16

don't let her problem be yours, mate. she is the screwball. file divorce papers and move on. don't waste your time with her. don't read the **** on the internet that says you can save it. as the godfather says, 'you can be a man'. so get over yourself and take control. get rid of her. I know it hurts. I know you love her but dude, cmon. do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what she is up to? terrible way to live. you deserve better. shut her down and go find another fish to swim with. learn from your mistakes and be a better man. you can do it. open the door. walk thru it. than CLOSE it. you will be fine. I promise. take it from me. I just went thru it and life is already looking better now that the load is gone. work out, eat well, embrace your kids, work hard, meditate, and if any crap images come into your mind just say outloud...you can be a man. get started immediately. good luck

Answer 17

Nothing anyone here is going to tell/advise can do that for you. you have few options if she's sorry and wants to maintain the quality marriage, and you do as well- you can possibly go for counseling. they would be better equipped to maybe offer techniques on how to "get past this" my concrn is did she learn and does she know she'll never do it again? and what was missing according to her-thatled her to another man. I am sad to sad- cheating usually happens b/c a spouse is missing something. to no fault of your own/or maybe -she felt someting was missing- excitement-passion-spontinaiety-boredom-loneliness??You need to get to the root of what made her strat- and to your best friend first and formost. Then you can take steps to move on from there. I would agree that the frienship with him should remain null and void. any "best friend" that would take your spouse to bed is scum. Work on your head and hers with a counselor and possibly a religious figure as well. i am sorry you had this happen to you and i wish you well in your future.

Answer 18

That is the worst! I know someone who was married 20 years....only to find out his wife & best friend were sleeping together for 10 of them. She eventually left him for the friend! How sad! I feel for you. That violated the most personal trust. Best friends don't do this. And of course your wife is just as much to blame. So sorry.

Answer 19

Oh mate I an sorry. Best advice I can give and I know it will hurt. get rid of her ,let her go, she will always be the same, unfortunately completely untrustworthy.Be positive wipe her from your mind. Been There Seen It Done it. You have a life start again you will find love even if you don't think that now you will.

Answer 20

You don't..It will always be there, have you asked her why it happened? What she might have felt she was missing with you, to do it? But if you can't trust the one you are with, then you really don't have a relationship at all. Obviously shes lied to you, but the real question is...Just how many times has she lied?? And about What? Ask yourself that? Take care.

Answer 21

I know what you mean and it is really hard. My situation was slightly different. I was engaged to a guy who used to fantasise about Britney Spears while we were having sex - he even said he loved me more than Britney two seconds after he came. Although he only said it once I felt like crap for ages! I know it sounds dumb and pathetic but it still hurt. I broke it off about a month later. Good luck.

Answer 22

Oh dude. Simple. Think about you and a stripper, or a chick from your office, or from a bar or your neighbor, or whatever. If she cheated on you, then the deal is off. Cheating means that the other person doesn't play fair, usually because the can't win without cheating. Now, once you cheat you just admit that you are playing a game and want to win. Do you really think that is a healthy relationship?

Answer 23

She gained't of been withholding even as pregnant. it truly is no longer genuine that once your pregnant you "opt for it" continually. even as i became pregnant with both one in all my babies i became the total opposite. If she says it truly is because of discomfort topics i'd properly advise that she quite bypass see her physician. by the way she's likely slightly drained now with the infant and all. search for suggestion from at the same time with her about it in a proper to way. maximum men use sex with a view to experience close to to their spouse. She might want to experience embarrassed about what the infant has executed to her body. attempt going out on a date or perchance making a reservation at a inn with a whirlpool and performance the evening be about only you 2. do not rigidity her besides the undeniable fact that to have sex.

Answer 24

,Have you asked yourself what made her turn to your mate in the first place? Start there, if you think you may have been to blame in some way such as neglecting your wife in away she needed you, you can correct it, You need to communicate with her and find out why. If she just likes him then I would say ditch her quick, she will do it again.

Answer 25

i recently found out something similar to yours except there was no sex involved. there was everything else though, like serious flirting and talking about the sex. til this day, i can not get that image of my wife with another man out of my head. the thing is, i love my wife and if i let this bother me that much it will destroy the marriage. just try to think of the good times you and your wife have had together and try your hardest to just not think about it.

Answer 26

Both are to blame, and both betrayed your trust. (Hate one and not the other!?) So, you will be left with that image for a long time; however, time and reconciliation is what will heal the hurt. You can't and you won't get over it until you deal with it properly

Answer 27

you may love your wife but it sounds like she doesn't love you,after all cheating with your best mate she obviously doesn't think much of you and the old thing of oh it just happened is a load of tosh,if she loved you she would of just said no to him

Answer 28

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Answer 29

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Answer 30

You can't stop those images, and the worst time is when you go to bed because all you got is your thoughts, either deal with it or leave her.

Answer 31

that trust is gone now mate and if you still cant get the image out of your head then it is highly unlikly you ever will

Answer 32

eh I dont think the Ostrich approach is the best solution here. Personally I'd leave her and kick the utter sh*t out of ur so called 'mate' dont be a doormat all your life, she dont deserve you find somemone else ...

Answer 33

directly ask ur wife to keep on restoring your trust in her

may be talking /speaking out ur fears soon result in overcomming this phobia

Answer 34

You'll never stop thinking about it. You basically have two options:



1. Accept it and make your peace with it

2. Leave her



Good luck.

Answer 35

by going with another woman and divorcing cheating wife,and punching your ex mates lights out.

Answer 36

This site http://getyourexback.toptips.org teaches how to use tiny little text messages to create a whole new relationship with your ex (no matter how bad things were before)

Answer 37

Divorce your wife first. Take the house, kids, money ... everything. Then, you can start dating again as in this way your can start your relationship anew.



If one day you have a GF, rest assured she will take you for everything you have.

Answer 38

it is a tough one to overcome and most can push it back but not out of your mind. good luck with it pal. I would have a bad time of it, myself.

Answer 39

it will never stop until your wife come back to you ....you must work hard for it

Answer 40

think about u,u r a fool to love her even she doesnt have that for u

Answer 41

Get rid of her, she's done it once, she'll do it again.

Answer 42

the trust is gone forever!!

Answer 43

Think about yourself with another woman.