How do I cope with being left out of the loop on my child?

Question

Background: I agreed to let my ex-husband have primary residence of our son when he was almost 6 years old. I knew that if I fought for it, it would be a long, drawn-out, possibly ugly process and I didn't want to drag my son through that. This was not a decision made by a judge...this was a mutual decision between the two of us. At that time, we were being amicable. I thought my ex and I would be able to work out frequent visitation and I would have access to him at any time. We have JOINT custody.

My son is now 15 years old, and if I had known how things were going to turn out, I would have fought for primary residence. For years now, my ex has restricted my time with my son to just the "bare" shedule laid out in the paperwork. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line, he decided that he wasn't going to let me have more time outside the standard visitation guidelines. He leaves me out of the loop on everything regarding my son, as if I'm not even his Mother. I usually try and talk directly with my son...I RARELY call his Father unless there is something we need to coordinate on; i.e. teacher conferences, paying for athletics, etc. But, when I need to talk to the ex, he avoids my calls, acts "put out" when I do get him on the phone, and is disrespectful..like he is inconvenienced by me....Sometimes issues will come up with my son (i.e. teenager, acting up at school) that deserve a fairly large punishment. The ex doesn't tell me what's going on, nor does he coordinate the punishment with me to ensure we are on the same page. This is just one example. I really think that if my son had to go to the hospital for something, the ex wouldn't even call to let me know...that's how bad it is. I don't know what to do. This has been going on for so long. Maybe I just suck it up for 3 more years. What would YOU do?

Answer 1

I think there's more to this story than you're telling. Why else would you allow this situation for 9 years and suddenly be concerned about it now? Why didn't you go for joint access when you and your ex split? If he has primary residency, do you pay him child support? If you really want to pursue this now, rather than wait until your son is 18, you should speak to a lawyer. Your ex should be keeping you in the loop about issues regarding your son if you have LEGAL joint custody. But I can't see a judge reversing the access situation if you, yourself, have been complacent about it for 9 years.

Answer 2

Your ex sounds really immature. He also sounds like he is using you all's son to hurt you, which makes me think that is not the best environment. Since you are an active part in his life, you have a right to be a part of the decision making process. Hire a lawyer and see what can be done. Thi is insane. Three years might not sound like a lot, but I am only 22 and can tell you A LOT happens in those 3 years and you deserve to be a part of it despite how your ex feels

about you; you are still the mother of his child

Answer 3

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I was pregnant with my first and had a miscarriage in June. It is absolutely devastating. One of my good friends was about 7 weeks ahead of me. She had her baby about three weeks ago and I;m still having a tough time because my baby would have been due Jan. 11. You will think of these kinds of things too. Maybe even more than me because you already are a mother and know how precious babies really are. I don't really have any words of wisdom. I believe the thing that helped me most was getting pregnant again. Luckily I conceived about 4 weeks after my dnc. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant. While I'm super excited, there is a part of me that is scared even now that something will happen. Best of luck. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 4

Choose your battles wisely always keeping in mind that the reward for winning the battle should be commensurate with the effort required to wage it.



You can see the light at the end of the tunnel; only 3 more years till your son's coming of independent age. Launching a war with his father now, with the possibility of losing it, may be just the catalyst your husband needs to tip your son's allegiance in his favor when the age of independence is achieved. As much as it pains you to do so let your son know you are there if he needs you and better times are imminent for the two of you together if he will just be patient and let them happen.



Your adult son will have many years to spend with your husband and you and you should do nothing now to compromise the boy's ability to freely choose between the two of you. Hopefully, you may be surprised by his choice of action then.



It is a hard row you hoe at this time. That much is certain. But let the boy grow unencumbered by a battle that will surely be distasteful to all concerned. He is a human being -- not a chattel to be fought over.

Answer 5

Disregard your cowardly, rude Ex and talk directly to your son. Although he's at an age where his parents and your feelings are the last thing on his mind, it won't hurt to tell him how you feel. Hopefully he has a heart like you (I can tell you have a big one). Try bonding with your son on his level. Take him to baseball games, or bowling or whatever he's into when you see him. If you engage in things he's interested in, he'll open up to you and fill you in on what you've been missing out on (or what his father won't tell you). Good luck.

PS. Children don't appreciate their parents until age 22+ so if it doesn't work out the way you want, hang in there!

Answer 6

How could you not fight for your son to begin with? That just amazes me. Of course the ex isn't going to comply with all your wishes....That's why he's called your ex. If I were you I could of seen that coming from miles away. Although, I would suck it up. What's done is done. As long as your son is safe, healthy, and loved...He's fine. I think you should have thought about these things before you gave up that right. As a mother, I know how much more difficult it is to actually have custody and raise a child on your own. The occassional visits from the non-custodial parent ARE actually interruptive to daily routines and to my situation serve no great purpose. It is beneath me to even fathom why a mother would not want her baby living with her. Just for an agruement sake? I would fight forever for my son!

Answer 7

We can only do what were are allowed to do. You have to put faith in your son, not your ex. Put faith in knowing that as he grows he matures. There will come a time when he will be able to see things for what they really are instead of taking them at face value. When he does, your ex will have to answer a lot of questions.

Answer 8

Unfortunately you opted out of taking care of your son. And your son is fifteen now. He is used to being with his father. Yes, of course, I can feel your pain. But isn't it a little late to make these major changes? Yes, I understand how it must hurt not to have a close relationship. But, unless your son takes the initiative, let things stand as they are.

Answer 9

looks as though you mesed up as you never got anything in writting with a judges signature on it to make it legal.. the only thing you might be able to do now is take your ex back to court with visitation and see if the Judge will listen to you

Answer 10

You've been putting up with it for 9 years. What's another 3? Why do you suddenly want to demand changes now? I don't understand...

Answer 11

tell your son you always wanted more input in his life but his father wouldnt let you, then hang on for 3 more years,

Answer 12

Why do I have this impression that the divorce was not his idea?

Answer 13

suck it up for the three years ...