Partner Changes When His Son Is Around?

Question

So me and my partner live together, he has custody os his 9 year old son every other weekend.

Now I want to make it clear, having him over is amazing, I do really care for the child and I enjoy his company. I also wholeheartedly respect the whole father/son thing and that they need boy time, thats why I work for most of the day on the first visit day.

So my partner always changes when he's around and I don't know how to handle it. I have tried telling him but he thinks Im attacking his son?? He basically treats me like a wallflower, I only get attention if I am driving them somewhere (he can't drive the car) or cooking. he also checks on me if I go upstairs and read for long periods of time.

I just want him to stop treating me like this, it is making me resentful of his child which is horrible and I don't want it to come to that :( (This is a feeling I can't stop feeling it's just growing. Even though Im trying so hard to stop it.)

Answer 1

you sound like your jelous of his son, move on for his sons sake

Answer 2

I am responding to this question because I feel that I can relate to how you're feeling. My partner used to be in this situation with his little girl and I felt exactly the same. I always felt as though I was being selfish to mention anything as he only got to see her on weekends so it seemed silly but it does make you end up not looking forward to the weekends which can't be good.

His little girl now lives with us full-time as her mum has abandoned her, and me and the girl have built an excellent relationship.

May I suggest that you explain to your partner how you are feeling but suggest that part of the weekend should be for the three of you to spend time together. Concentrate on making friends with the little boy rather than distancing yourself. Maybe plan a trip or an activity that you can all do together. Then for the second part of the weekend explain that you would like some 'me' time. Maybe join a club, work if you need to do that, or just go for a walk. This will give your partner and his son the time they need together.

Good Luck

Answer 3

You're being a bit selfish, don't you think? He only gets to see the kid once a fortnight ... of course you aren't going to be his first priority. The poor little kid as well - how disruptive for him to come from a broken home and have to split his life in two for his parents. How much harder do you think you are making it for him by hiding away?



Why, rather than working and sitting upstairs reading, don't you find an activity the three of you can do together? You could maybe play a board game or do some painting or something? Or if you're cooking, perhaps the boy could help you to make whatever you're preparing. Kids just want attention - you don't need to do anything too fancy.



Do tell your partner how you feel though - and what you're intending to do to improve matters. I bet he'll really appreciate the effort that you're making to get involved with his son.



Maybe you could think about having some children of your own too? It would be great for this little boy to have some brothers and sisters to help him feel complete.

Answer 4

Maybe he just wants you to interact more with him and his son. You said you work the whole day the first day he is there and also go upstairs and read for long periods of time. I would think this would make the 9 year old son feel as if you dont' like him. Why not try going and out doing things all together???

Answer 5

I'm annoyed with some of the answers you're receiving.



Of course your partner is going to miss his son and want to spend as much time with his am possible when he's over. That does NOT and should NOT mean excluding you.



When you're married, your spouse is supposed to be your priority. Now I'm not saying kids need to take the back seat, but your spouse needs to always be there up top. Now I understand you're not married, but you are living together and you need to be up there on the priority list.



Try talking to your partner, and explaining your feelings. Tell him you know of COURSE his son is important, but that you feel ignored when his son comes over. Ask if you can all do things together, as opposed to you being excluded and feeling like the 3rd wheel. Explain that you care about his son a lot and in NO WAY are attacking him, but that you just want to feel included too. Tell him your feelings are hurt when you're cast aside and when they sit together and you have to sit alone. Why can't you all sit together? If my love seat is big enough to fit myself, my husband, and my 8 year old step son, then your couch should be big enough for you 3. :)



Good luck.

Answer 6

It's hard to see exactly what the problem is but I think a couple of your statements were telling. Such as you feel you don't get enough attention. Of course he will want to give a lot of his attention to his son. He doesn't see him that often.



Then you say you go to the bedroom for long periods and read. Why? It almost sounds like you're pouting from not getting the attention. Maybe not, but that's what it seems like and maybe your partner views it like that too.



Is there any way for you to involve yourself more when he comes to visit? Think up things all of you could do together. Have make your own pizzas night or something to get everyone in the kitchen helping with dinner. When you're occupied like that, it's easier to have casual conversations. Then continue on with all of you choosing a movie after you all help clean up the kitchen.



Before I married, I lived with a guy who had a daughter. It was really hard for me to fit in with the 2 of them. I was very young and had no experience with children. So I basically kept to myself on those weekends and weeknights. After we broke up, I realized I could have done a lot more to incorporate myself into their lives together. I couldn't get past the fact that he was my boyfriend but also had a relationship with a child. I just didn't know how to handle it. If I had tried harder, we probably would have stayed together longer. It was best in the long run but I still feel ashamed that I wasn't able to really try with the child.

Answer 7

I don't understand. You think he is showing you less attention when his son is there? Yet you drive them to and from, you fix meals, and he comes upstairs to check on you! You do sound as if the boy is putting a strain on his attention toward you. Make a point to include yourself in what they are doing, guy-stuff. It might be that he doesn't want the boy to see him showing any affection toward you because he feels that it might confuse the boy as to his mother's prior role in their lives, if this is so, then he is wrong, the boys needs to know that love and affection is shown to those we love all the time, he will only make things uncomfortable down the road for his son and you. The boy will think you are not a part of his and his dad's relationship and will treat you as his dad has, unemotional.

Answer 8

Suggest doing some things together as a family. OR better yet..plan some things for you all to do together.



The fact is though that they sound like they have a very tight bond.



I'm betting that you feel loved when your husband does acts of service for and with you. Like helping you around the house..going places with you and spending quality time. Having his son over is monopolizing his time so you are not feeling loved.



Here I go again with this book..You and your partner need to read "The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman'

Answer 9

I have a similar arrangement with my partner, except his son is much younger (nearly 4).



Your partner will be feeling pressure to give his son his entire attention when he does get to see him given it's not all that often. My guy does this too, but I hear ya honey, and it is difficult to deal with isn't it when suddenly he doesn't seem to feel he can treat you the same as he always does. He may well be afraid of making his son jealous.



Also, you consider their feelings by giving them space on the first day of he visit, and he thanks you for it by shutting you off! Where is the appreciation for the respect you show them? Does your partner actually think how blimmin difficult the situation is on you? Probably not - he's too wrapped up in how it affects his son.



I can only really tell you how I cope with all these things: when his son is around, I do not expect my partner's full attention, and I see it as being one of the sacrifices I have to make if I chose to be with someone who has a child from a prev relationship. I do not give him a hard time about it because I feel sorry for his son and for my partner not getting to see him much. I know he misses him terribly. Also I try to get involved with some of what they do (my partner encourages this which is nice for me), so sometimes I'll come too if they're off to cinema or the park, but I am also careful to allow them time just those two together.



I wonder how long have you and your partner lived together? I remember in the beginning I found it really hard and had very similar feelings to you, but in time his son and me got used to eachother and got to know eachother (it was a big adjustment for both of us!).



These days all three of us get on really really well together, I look forward to his son's visits and I miss him too when he isn't around. We talk about him and make plans together for things he might like for Christmas, what new disney Dvd's he might like etc.



So I would say give it time, and try to gradually build a relationship with his son too, just be nice, be fun, ask him about things in his life. Talk with your partner about how you feel, that you're not trying to attack his son but just would like to alter the dynamic a little so that you aren't left feeling like a wall flower. It can work out :)



Good luck x

Answer 10

I think he's trying his best to maintain a relationship with his son and is afraid that if he's showing attention to you while he's there, his son will begin to resent you. Maybe he hasn't explained it and maybe he doesn't understand it himself. He's also likely a little uncomfortable displaying affection for you in front of his son. Divorce is really tough on kids. Sounds like he's trying. You both need to sit down and talk about this in a non-confrontational way. Don't accuse, just say something like "When your son is here and you treat me differently, it makes me feel _____." Ask him some leading questions to try and draw out why he changes.

Answer 11

he probably feels awkward and not sure how to go about balancing things for both of you. His son only comes over once in a while so let him have his time and be cheerful about it. You are a good friend to his son and that's it. As for him checking on you, maybe he's just unsure of your actions. He's just seeing if things are cool with you.

Communicate more. as long as he' not taking advantage of you - there should be no worries. Give him permission to be the best Dad he can be and ask him if you can do anything to help. If not, then go do something for yourself.

Answer 12

SO, you are saying that it is WRONG for him to FOCUS all his attention on the boy 4 - 6 days out of 30???



Being a DAD, and being a boyfriend, are two totally different animals. He really cannot be both guys at the same time. No offense meant, but guys usually cannot chew gum and walk at the same time - at least not right away, and if they do ever master "multitasking", it takes A LOT of practice. 6 days a month is not enough time to master anything. I am very serious about this - he really is not able to be your snuggy bunny AND his sons Dad AT THE SAME TIME.



SO, do you ALL a favor, and just find other things to do when the boy is around. Learn to be your own best friend. Learn a new hobby, do anything other than take his "maleness" personally against yourself. You have NO RIGHT AT ALL to hold this against his son, and if you really just cannot STOP that right now, you need to GO. NEVER say you "cannot" do something - you CAN, you just are choosing NOT to. How much more selfish can you get.

Answer 13

Hiya, I can completly relate to you had a similar situation with my fiancee and his daughter. I just made sure I joined in with them and got her little prezzies and did stuff she liked doing, soon my fiancee realised she liked me and relaxed and is now himself when she is around.

He just feels a guilt towards his son, so plys all his attention on him, so his son doesn't think he is a bad dad, but once he see's your son enjoys having you around he will pay you more attention and ask you to join in to.



Good Luck I know it's hard but you'll get there I did! I'm not the wicked step mother that I was worried about! x

Answer 14

you feel left out thats all.that is a part of him and someone else...but men do that and i can't understand why but they do. i don't know if it's because the child may go back to the other and say something or what but they do.I am on the outside with that too so just ignore it and tell him how u feel and hopefully it will work out but i can say thats a normal feeling u are having and he should address it with u

Answer 15

You sound jealous of the quality time the two of them are spending together. You are an adult. You shouldn't feel "left out" if they are cuddling on the couch, that is silly. Do activities such as board games or something the three of you can all do together so that you can bond with them. Set aside time for yourself too, while they are doing something together find something that you enjoy and give them their time. The more you complain to your husband about such a silly matter, the more he is going to exclude you, trust me.

Answer 16

Have you ever talked to him about it?

Maybe you guys need to sit down and have a conversation about it and let him know how it makes you feel. Try to involve yourself some activities that they are in! But over all you have to let him know how you feel or it won't ever stop!

Answer 17

Stop being jealous and realize that his son will always come first. If he's not including you in their time together, use this time to spend some quality "alone" time reading a book or going shopping, to a movie, out with girlfriends, etc. Would you be as jealous if it were your own child? I doubt it. YOU married a man with baggage, so YOU need to learn to deal with it.

Answer 18

You have to understand that he doesnt get to see his son as often as he likes and that he is putting more of himself it his visits with him to try to compensate. It is kind of rude to totally exclude you but I do understand his reasoning.



Instead of being resentful of the situation, maybe try going out on the weekends when he has his son. That way they have their time together and you wont feel like a wallflower while hangout with your friends.

Answer 19

the son lives with the ex wife, the son will run home and tell mommy everything... thats what kids do, and what ex husbands dread...



tell him straight... and tell him how its effecting you... and stop being a wallflower, get involved, get together, and show youre interested...



or your partner is telliing porkies, like we're not getting on too well, your distant, uncommunicative, and moody... and he want to get back together... or at least wants to have sex with her... which is what ex husbands do...



sorry, but you have to deal with this... or it'll get worse.

Answer 20

He sees you everyday, not his son. He is probably just trying to make his son comfortable.

Answer 21

Grow up. He only gets to see the kid every other weekend, of course he ignores you when the kid is there! Deal with it, it is only 4 days a month.

Answer 22

he excludes you. that is really unfair. really really unfair. he may just be putting his son's needs first, but meshing families is really tough, if not impossible. i think you should try to spend more time with the boy or ask your husband if that is possible...

Answer 23

He doesn't respect you..move on.