SEPARATED indefinitely from alcoholic husband...can anyone out there help me?

Question

Hello...
I am in need of some advice and counsel in a very difficult situation. My husband's drinking escalated one month ago to the point where our baby daughter and I were no longer safe living with him, and I left. At first, I gave him a choice - alcohol or his family, and that I would not be returning home until he was 100% sober. A week after I left, I found out he has an addiction to prescription pills as well, and has been lying, manipulating me, sneaking around, spending money and getting high for 15 months total. Like the drinking wasn't bad enough. I did all I could do living together to try and help him. He wasn't interested then. Now, he's enrolled himself in an intensive outpatient program, and claims to be sober. I can see our bank accounts... and the 4-6 gas stations he still visits daily for what I'm guessing is beer and/or wine. He is still trying to make me responsible for his sobriety by saying "I'll never be able to get sober alone" and "I can get sober unless you're with me". I don't live with him right now, yet he is still affecting me, and I know in my heart he is not sober no matter what he says. He wants to "make it look good" so I'll come home. Can someone please advise me how to detach from him with love? I have joined Al Anon, but away from the group with all kinds of time to think, this situation is still consuming me. Can anyone help me with this? Thank you...

Answer 1

Actions speak louder than words. Until he stops the lying and actually is ready to stop you need to stay away. He is an addict who will not stop until he hits rock bottom and you don't want up be anywhere around him when he does because he will take you down with him.

Answer 2

You already know in your heart that he is not sober. A couple trips a DAY to the gas station?? That's really bad... usually if a person drinks a lot, one visit per day might do it. If he is drinking that much per day and using prescription pills, it will take a long time before he will ever be sober. There is no way that after this short time he can be sober, and you know he is probably not even going to the outpatient program. You are doing the right thing to stay away from him, at least for now. If you go come, he will fall back on you for whatever it is; money, alcohol, and you will be his comfort zone. This is why you need to stay away because the only thing that usually works is tough love. By not going back, you are telling him that you mean business and you are NOT going to keep your daughter around him unless he completely sobers up. Don't believe his excuses of not being able to get sober alone... that's all they are, are excuses. HE is the only one who can change himself. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Folks have make excellent suggestions. In patient rehab is a good idea. U have to create a safe environment for u and the kids! Make a list for him of what it takes to get his family back. Stand firm. Pray for him. Don't just say go to rehab. Find one, check it out and give him the info. When he is finished and sober u can visit without the kids until u are sure. Be very careful. Put away money, cuz sometimes these things don't work out.

Answer 4

Many addicts to one drug will go to rehab for that one drug, but just switch addictions to something else. A lot of alcoholics will start smoking after entering rehab or going to AA meetings.

HE wasn't honest to his program. He probably only told them about the pills, so no, he's not admitted he has multiple addictions.



You need to check out Al-Anon. They have a website. They have meetings. But it's all for families of addictions. I have no idea what support he needs to get sober. But #1 is always honesty. If he's not honest, he's not going to get sober.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Unless he is clean and sober for six straight months, do not see him. And then make him earn his way back in. Don't get back together as a family for a minimum of 2 years...with him proving the entire time that he has given up drugs and alcohol.

Answer 6

Don't know if you read much. One suggestion is to read, "Tough Love." Stick with your determination & setting proper boundaries with him. Hoping you are in a safe house/situation now. Look for a new hobby/activity where you can think about just you & improving something about yourself (w/o husband of course.) You didn't mention counseling for yourself, that maybe another option to think about, how to deal with your own issues and stick with them. Also seek help from clergy as well as friends for support. The health dept. often has good resources for you.

Answer 7

Alcoholic husbands like to beat and don't remember next day. You are already married. Maybe you could stay together but in separate homes for about five years and agree, together, to do it that way until he proves to you that he will be a good boy all that time.

Answer 8

Consult a lawyer, learn your rights, get the ball rolling on the divorce.

Answer 9

Thank you all for your sincere and honest input. I truly appreciate it as I am new here, and did not expect so many answers so soon! Thank you to all who took the time.

Answer 10

never mind what a person says, look at what they do.doesnt line up? their hypocrites.