Sweetie, this is really sad :( I couldn't help feeling sorry for you. I'm not married, I'm only 23, and I'm not sure if the following will help but I thought i could try to give some advice.
You mention the fact that you and your husband care for each other but live like siblings. I'd say that shows you are both concerned with each other's well-being but you probably argue and bicker a lot, like siblings? And it hurts you a lot because you know it could be better than this and perhaps you are scared of the ramifications if you split? Ask yourself this honestly, 'Do i love him?' You probably have done this until you can't reflect anymore because it hurts, and perhaps you have cried so much that you feel all cried out - seriously consider the soul-healing benefits that you may reap after a split.
When was last time that he said ‘I love you’ and meant it?
Your priority is your children in the middle of all this. Although they are only 12 and 9 years old, they are going to remember everything that you and your husband go through as a married couple. I'm sure you have thought about what happens to their memories if you do split? If you stay with him for the sake of the children, can you honestly see it getting better? This is very important and I’m very sorry for asking: Has your relationship with your husband ever affected how you address your children? If yes, seriously reconsider you plans, those that you have mentioned concerning a split - transition phase, selling house, flats search, return to part time work, councilor, activities that could still be done as a family unit etc
What if it gets worse, Claire? What if it gets to the point – god forbid it – where you can no longer be this strong and amazing woman that you are, raising the children, keeping house and home together as well as you can? What if he goes down a road you don’t ever want to see him take – prolonged absence, shouting at the children, excessive smoking and drinking (if has a tendency for it?), losing temper with you to the point where he explodes? It’s a lot of ‘what if’s’, but you have to ask yourself these questions. Save your children, save your husband, save yourself.
You say counseling 13 years ago didn’t work – in his opinion? And he is also refusing to go through it again- why is he saying no? Have his reasons been sharply and painfully valid? Has he seriously considered why he feels the way he does? Has he been non-selfish and thought about you and the children? If he hasn’t, why are you staying together? If he has, why won’t he even contemplate working on this marriage? In staying together, you’re hurting each other.
You need to rescue your financial situation, you need to re-evaluate the fact that he was not attracted to you when you first got together, married etc. He has got this heavy job but he is sacrificing the time to be with you and the children, personal issues etc etc to be at work. He’s already distancing himself.
You mention that sex life is miserable. What is this doing to your self esteem, your confidence, and above all your feelings for him? Perhaps you are feeling very unhappy with yourself; emotionally, mentally and physically? And your feelings for him are rapidly dissipating now, to the point where you cannot contemplate a hot night with him?
Are his good qualities making you feel attracted to him? What is his ‘good side’ like? Is it the sense of security and stability, that is making you stay? Does he follow the good feelings through after some quality time together, i.e. spending time with you and the kids, spending time with family/friends, an outing for the two of you (weekend break, shopping, cinema, dinner with extras) Do you have quality time together? Does he make hundreds of empty promises? Does he refuse to seriously sit down and chat – without arguing?
This is also very important. You mentioned the fact that he is having an affair. Do you know when this started? Do you know exactly when she became pregnant? Was it a plan or accident? Why do you think he started the affair – please, please don’t blame yourself. The very fact that he has cheated on you, when you’re trying to hold your mind together in the hope that this marriage can be saved, says it all really. You guys have been married 20 years, the last 7 have been the transition phase after counseling. He says no to another counseling session: technically he is refusing to face the music.
If he loves you THAT much, he will dread any word to do with separation. But, perhaps not. Maybe it is what he wants, but he is in denial. Then again, given the fact that he has refused to do counseling again, he has cheated on you, and she is pregnant plus no mention of whether she is keeping the baby; YOU have every right to suggest a separation now and Claire, you must stick to it. Prepare yourself now – be brave. A separation is now inevitable. You have already tried, and he has technically, held you back. Its time to really shake things up and take control. Talk to your family and friends, those that you consider will help you on your emotional road to saving everything you hold dear. If his feelings for you are re-awakened and are true, he will give anything to make marriage work. But be sure to have healing time for yourself first before you seriously re-consider going back to him.
I really hope everything works out for you. xxx