Important question...........need some insight from people who been in long-term (10+yr.) relationships?

Question

Now, we all know that it's common for couples to hit the dull drums. But what happens when it goes on for along time where there's not much progression in intimacy (not meaning physical intimacy). Now in no way am I discontent in being comfortable, but say there's this inclination that your spouse decided in their mind long ago that they were never going to let you past knowing them to a certain point. Know what I mean? I'd never push or force the subject, but it's hard to not desire deep level communication when that's what my heart seeks fulfillment in.
I almost kind of hate that part of me because it brings forth imaginations that are inappropriate and the very, very, very last thing I want are disastrous consequences in my relationship.

I'm not perfect, I'm a human being.....anyone else have some advice. I'm pretty sure I just need to button in up and just be content. Good grief, I hate sharing my heart...it seems so trivial and silly, I know, but I'm really bothered by myself just now.
Stupid

Answer 1

I'm not sure I have a clear understanding of what you described. You feel like you're "stuck at the same emotional spot" for a long time? There are a lot of differences between men and women. These differences can make it difficult. I find it helps to find the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage. Find more opportunities to increase the frequency of happy events in your marriage, and decrease the unhappy ones by aligning opportunities with your strengths. Identify activities you both enjoy. Observe when you do A, B, C; which ones make your spouse happier or less happy. Observe what happy couples do and say.



Personalities of both matter a great deal too. Some personalities don't pair up as well and face a bigger challenge than other couples. It is harder when someone is very needy, or get emotional or upset easily, etc.



I have seen good marriages where husband and wife both care a great deal about each other. Constantly try to make each other happy with little gestures. You stop and think what your spouse may need or want. Your spouse makes you want to be a better person. Seemingly trivial things like holding hands while going to places make you feel warm and mushy. Even when it's just doing grocery shopping together. You could feel close and connected. Don't hesitate to share your feelings first. When you have disagreement, think about it alone before discussing it. Try to select non-accusing words etc. and problem-solve together without finger-pointing. Create a nurturing environment.



Then there are marriages where each doesn't seem to "love the other enough". Or when the personalities are not very compatible. Then "You are not this or that enough" becomes what defines the relationship and they get stuck in a cycle of negative, non-constructive criticisms. It becomes very difficult to get emotionally close or even just to feel warm and cuddly.



Good luck!

Answer 2

Sounds like you need to shake things up. Do something new. Grab your partner and sign up for Salsa dancing lessons. Pre-pay and lock it in. Maybe you are boring. Sign up for martial arts. Just yourself. Do it. Be interesting. Join a bible study group. Buy a fresh bible to use pencil with and go every week. Get into the topics, ponder them. Are you an artist? Join a painting class..go regularly, enter work in shows, even if they are not great it's a social thing! Not an artist? Go on-line order fancy paint by numbers..paint little areas, listen to cool music a couple hours each day, as you finish one go to frame shop..get framed and show them off. Give them as gifts, order another..why do people rely on other people to be happy? You are on the computer, searching searching when true happiness comes from within and from a sense of accomplishment thse can be showcased to make others happy, including your spouse..life can get boring with routine and make you think crazy thoughts..idle hands are the devils playground, remember that.

Answer 3

I have been in several relationships two long term. I have learned if the communications not there from the start you can't enter into a serious relationship and expect it to get better. So like the song says what you see is what you get.

Answer 4

Doldrums, not 'dull drums'. Some people go for a lifetime and not totally share all thier past with thier partner for one reason or another. it's hard to bring up some things that may have happened that you don't really want them to either know about or judge you on.

Answer 5

You could role play and have fun pretending to test out how your partner feels about what ever it is your specifically talking about here. Have fun and be relaxed yourself, have a cocktail. without fun play life would be boring.