How do you get your husband to understand you and all your stress?

Question

I am a mother of three a 5, 3 and 6month old. My second child is handicap and cannot walk. My husband is not involved with anything with doctors appointments, therapy, making descisions on school, surgery ect. I feel all alone and confused. He questions why I have trouble sleeping and am taking depression pills. I feel I never have time to myself. I love my children more than anything in the world. This problem just pulls me further away from him more everyday. How do I get him to understand my life and what I go through every day? I also work full time and carry the insurance for the family.HELP

Answer 1

How are you doing all of this? I am exhausted just reading about it. Honey, you do need a break. You can't keep this up, or you are going to be in the hospital or the lunny bin. I am sorry, but this is way way too much for one person to handle. A full time job and then 3 kids on top of it. I work full time and I have only 2, and they are both healthy. Your nerves must be shot, if he doesn't make any decisions, I wouldn't be able to make up my mind which shoes to put on. You must get some rest, and not sleeping isn't helping either.



If your job is the one who the health insurance is through, you can't quit, because of the situation with your second child. Your husband needs to wake up to the fact, you need help! Everytime day you dealing with all of this yourself, is pushing the love right out of you. You have to wonder, why he can't see this, why doesn't he help, that's the million dollar question. My first thought after reading your question was this, when he comes home from work, say "Honey, it's your time, I am going to the grocery store, I am going to get my hair cut. I will back in a couple of hours."

Let him deal with it for a couple of hours by hisself, I bet his butt would get up off the couch then.



You need emtional, physical support from this man. These are his kids too. A mini-vacation-a trip to Walmart-without the kids!

A couple of hours a week, is not going to kill the man, if he can't or won't, then hire someone to come in and sit with the kids. You need some "me" time. If you don't do anything other than drive around the block a few times-by yourself. Walk the mall, window shop, go to the library, everyone is quiet there. Join a gym, do something for yourself! I bet he doesn't rush home every evening, he has "his" time, now it time for Mom to have "her" time.



Talk to him, tell him to please sit down with you and listen. Tell him to put hisself in your place. That you need is help. The trouble sleeping and the depression can be lessen if he lends a hand. If he still doesn't understand, then tell him, okay. Pick a night...Thursday night from now on-is my night, I will be away from the house between the hours of 6 to 9. You will be in charge, this will be my time, to do what I want. If I choose to do the grocery shopping for us then, that will be my decision. If I go to Books-a-million and sit and drink coffee and brose the night away, that's again my decision.



I wish you could not only have your "me" time, but also have a date night with your husband, I am so afraid that this is going to lead to bigger problems for you as a couple. You need some "couple" time too. If no family is around to help, then hire a babysitter. Can you leave the middle child for a couple of hours with a responsible adult? Sweetie, my heart goes out to you and your little family, and I would love to be able to just walk over next door, and say "ok, get out of here for awhile". It's not selfish to need time to yourself, it's not wrong to ask your husband for help, it's neccessary. You must take control, your babies need you to be strong and healthy, and happy. With the conditions you described you aren't any of these things. So, you are going to have to do some changing, and the husband is too.....I pray that you can get some rest tonight and every night from now on, and that your husband will become a helpmate and no longer be another burden on your all ready load-down shoulders. May God bless you and your family, and that you find the strength to make the changes need for yoursake as well as your family's.



God bless us all..........

Answer 2

I understand what your going through and you are not the only one that has similiar problems with bum husbands that feel that the only thing that women are good for is taking care of the house and kids, while the husband works and you have to take of him also and cook dinner. This is an age were men and women have to take on the task of being married 50-50. Everything is shared from kids to house chores. The only adivce I have is to talk to a counseler for your situation. If you have come to a point where you do not love him anymore then let him go. It is alot easier for you to deal with your kids with the help of family and friends, then rather having to put up with arguements with your husband for not helping you out with the kids and your feelings as well. I don't want to be rude, but I have seen and known women that have husbands that are total loosers. The thing I hate most about it is that they seem to hang on hopeing things would get better, but it never does it just gets worse. They are afriad of change and D A M M I T if you want to by happy then F U C K I N G LEAVE HIM ALREADY. This topic is getting older and older everytime I here a wife haveing troulble with thier husband. What is the worse that you can loose, your husbands love for you; do you think he even cares about you prob. not. Please let go and for the sake of your kids move on and take care of them there is no need for someone that don't care about you or your kids. This is life and life sucks at times and people are scared to do things that would make thier life a whole lot happier. The answer has always been in front of you and thats the door. Take care and I hope I helped ease your mind.

Answer 3

You have a lot on your plate, so to speak; the problem you describe is typical of what I see in my divorce mediation office, day after day; the monute there are children, everything changes and the relationship then has the opportunity to take many different turns.



One such turn is the path to divorce



Another is the path to unity



To get on either path you will need help"



1) Ask husband to come with you into a faciltated discussion, with a neutral third party, who can help you express yourself to him in a manner that will not invoke conflict - this can be a mediator, a counsellor, a therapist and/or a clergy member



2) Acquire tools for dealing with this very typical scenario.



3) See if he will agree to a mother's helper or an aide - maybe you can find out if there are any organizations that can help you with your disabled child, by providing volunteer help to you



4) Read books - lots - amazon.com



You will probably find that he too feels isolated. He will probably assert that as the bread winner he too is overwhelmed or taxed.

The purpose of help would be for you both to HEAR EACH OTHER, and then find a way to get back in unison with each other.



Sounds like a lot of work,,,,but it will end up reducing your stress, and that will help you both and your KIDS a LOT!



Good luck

Answer 4

First thing you need to make some quiet time for your self go into the bathroom and just sit. Once you have the kids in bed, and your husband in bed go into the living room turn all the lights out and sit if your husband ask you what in wrong calmly say i need this moment to myself. I too have a handicap child doctors appt i feel alone. but u must have a quiet time to your self. read psalm 23 god is your shepard. Things my be hetic but he has you don't try to make your husband see things the way you do because he want. It might even feel like you are an single woman. but just know god is with you. Your handicap child my qulify for a nurse to come out to provide care for a few hrs use that . The nurse can give you some kind of rest. depend on god then your husband will come around

Answer 5

Get up early one morning and leave! Wake him up before you go and tell him you have to get out for a while and he will have to tend to the kids.



Go to work early or take the day off and just relax somewhere. If he is not a total a.ss he will tend to the kids and see what it is you go through each day.



In the long run it may not change a thing, but then you will know how he feels and he will know how you feel. If he is not going to be an active part in the family then you won't be needing him around anymore!

Answer 6

I had to leave to get it tho his thick scull but I wouldn't recommend that till you have tried everything else as it is hard to take it back ,leave only when you mean it but he has to know that if he continues it may come to that ,men like him always cry ,I didn't know we had a problem when the woman cracks under the pressure,so do him a favour and tell him now .He had those kids too and he doesn't even have the excuse that he works and you stay home ,you work!! this is a deal breaker ,if not now then in the future because no one can or should have to do it all alone.

Answer 7

Wow you are overwhelmed. You need to ask him if he would change places with you for one day. Let him see what you do.



You may need to get a counsellor and both of you go. A third party may help.



You need to write a list of things he can do to make your life easier. Put it in writing. It's easier for some men to do stuff when it's written down.



Do you have a support system, meaning, parents, friends or siblings that can watch your kids? you need to find a good babysitter and get away for at least an evening. Even if it's so you can take a hot bath and relax.



Oh, you also need to remind him that he's a father, not just a sperm donor.

Answer 8

I have twins and my husband would sleep, play the computer or the games. I have taken care of the babies since they were born. I managed to clean, cook, help my 4 boys with homework, take the girls where I had to go and take care of him. When I started school, he lied to me about working and would be out til all hours, come home and sleep instead of watching the girls. Then had the nerves to tell me that I don't understand how hard it is to clean while watching the twins. So I really feel for you.

Answer 9

Write a letter. I know that sounds silly, but when you correspond, he cannot interupt you and you are able to express yourself in your own words... taking the time and not blurting anything out that you cannot white out. Hand it to him. He will be curious and read it. Mark it IMPORTANT and seal the envelope. Do not discuss what it is, let him open it. Curiousity will get the better of him and he will indulge his curiousity. If you tell him what it is, he may not read it right away. Hand it to him before he leaves to work or when he is sitting reading the paper. You will feel better and he will read what is on your mind. Sometimes we are so caught up in our daily lives that we take things and people we love for granted and do not know what the other person is going through. This is a great way to communicate with love and respect, quietly. You may also type it out and print it out as you are computer literate. As long as you communicate. He may not be aware of what you're going through. You're probably a good mom and have all the balls in the air and you may appear to have it all figured out. He may not be aware that it is overwhelming. Communicate with him and ask him for his input on a solution to your dilema. [YOUR as in his and yours] Make it a long letter, address all of your concerns. This is your time to be heard, to make yourself understood, address EVERYTHING that you want him to know and to reach out to your partner in life. You sound intelligent, your letter may work wonders. I wish you luck...

Answer 10

Get him to shoulder part of the responsibility. He is supposed to be the breadwinner but you have taken that part so it's just logical that he help in other ways. If and only if he can experience the obligations that you are addressing can he understand and appreciate how you feel.

Answer 11

I wish that I could help. You do tons of work, don't get paid but, get free room and bored. Sarcastic yea.

Hubbies will not understand. Being a mom is a second job that you will never get paid for. Sucks, huh?

Answer 12

The sound of a slamming door, and the silence that follows, might be the only thing he'll respond to. If you have to carry your load, and his, that might be the only option left. Talk to him one more time, then if nothing changes, exercise that option! Good Luck.....I kNOW it's tough!!

Answer 13

You have alot on you and he needs to help more and

get more involved maybe that way he can understand

what you are going through. Try talking to him about your

feelings, it may or may not help, but give it a try. Good

Luck

Answer 14

Tell your husband he should get involved in your life and your childrens lives otherwise there is no point in you being married to him.

Answer 15

I am sorry about what you are going through but talk to your husband about how you are feeling.

Answer 16

You need to tell him exactly how you feel and how negatively it is affecting your life. Tell him he needs to do something about it. Make yourself sounds VERY serious.

Answer 17

Letting him first know that you understand him and his stress....its called empathy.