I dont think my husband and I respect eachother.?

Question

We argue so often and sometimes its not even an argument we just some how stop talking to each other and I usually never find out what happened or why he started to ignore me in the first place. But sometimes I look at him and realize some of the STUPID things he does like wipes the crumbs from his lap onto the carpet and says well don't you have to vacuum anyway? I feel he tries his hardest to upset me sometimes. And last night after a convo sparked up from a television show he gets up and walked off into the other room. and when he went to put his dishes up i say babe the dishwasher is dirty so u can put ur dishes in there. He looks at me says nothing and continues to sit them in the sink after the kitchen had just been cleaned. I don't understand so of course Im pissed because he is just ignoring me and trying to make me mad but cant be man enough to tell me why he is doing this. He is an asshole. And I feel like he is being childish. I can tell him whats going on with me without a problem because i feel like we should be able to because we are married. But of course when i do this he sits and thinks for a while and then comes up with things that i did 2 months ago that he didn't like to try and make things even i guess instead of just saying okay i didn't know that it bothered you ill try to fix it or some type of compromise. I feel like because he acts like a child i treat him like one and its not something i do on purpose. But I feel like it can be the down fall of my marriage and i don't know what to do about it. I find that when he does things that he knows i don't like or says things to me that hurt my feelings I start to patronize him, talk to him like he is stupid to try to get him to understand things because he can't or won't any other way, and sort of get on his level which makes things worse and im sure that could be classified as childish as well. I just don't know how we can respect each other more. I love my husband and I know that he loves me very much as well I just don't want to lose him. We are very young and only married 7 months now. Serious answers only please. THANK YOU!

Answer 1

Sounds like you both need to communicate more. Can you schedule a regular activity together, like taking a walk after dinner or before dinner. I am guessing there are more basic issues going on here. Maybe after some general talk, you can both start to discuss how you are feeling.

Answer 2

the two biggest mistakes people make are:



1) taking things too seriously and not forgiving



2) saying things you dont mean and intentionally showing your anger or trying to angetr your sig. other



the third is not talking at all about things that bother you



Fighting the person lou love is a lose-lose situation. sometimes you have to say whayt you feel and sometimed you get mad, but you should try to be kinder to each other, let things go somethime. wait until you are calm to talk etc. I would try to start writing down your feeling when you get mad at him or are hurt, or when he treats you bad. Then sit down and calmly talk about it. taking the time to wtite it down and then taking the time to discuss it with him will do a better job of showing him it is important to you and that you are serious than yelling at him or giving him the silent treatment or something like that. Also it allows you to think about what you are saying before you say it, and actually gets you talking, rather than just provoking him into saying or doing something to "win" the argument or to retaliate against you. The worst thing you can do is to simply get back at each other without actually talking about what is really bothering you.



The dishes incident: he was probably pissed at you about something, and even morre pissed that you didn't know what he was pissed about, and got even more pissed when you told him to put the dishes away. He probably heard "do the dishes" you lazy *** hole, it's all your good for" when you said that. It isn;t fair, but sometimes you have to do 60,70, or even 80% of the work. Keep diong that, but consider seriously whether he is just a mean person, or is trying to control you.



Anything can be a fight waitint to happen if you don't communicate. Say you don't want to have sex one night and ate feeling bad, or just in a bad mood. So he starts putting the moves on you. you are even more irritated that he could be so insnesitive not to realize that you are feeling crappy so you say stop it! He has no clue that you feel crappy, because you never said anything. He thinks you are mad at him. You haven't had sex in an unusual ammount of time because you have been working late, were sick a few days ago, etc. he takes this (guys will have sex with a nail through their foot, and even when they don't want to have sex for a couple days, or could care less, they keep a mental tally in the back of their sub-consciious that says: we have only had sex 4 times int eh last 2 weeks, so either she doesn;t love em anymore, there is somethin very wrong with our relationship, or there's somebody else...or I'm inadequate and she is bored with our sex life.....") so, he's really upset, but says nothing. the next day, you are acting casually friendly, but not very touchy-feely, you have no idea that it has been a week since you had sex, and could care less anyway. he's convinced by now that you're leavign him, probably for his best friend. You say something about somebody on TV. he sees this as a personal insult. He storma off into ther kitchen inprotest. You say somethign about doing ther dishes. He thinks "Oh, so now i'm your house boy?, While she plans on cheating on me and leaving me or something? you are mad so you say something mean and go call your girlfriend or your mom and complain about him.



Now at any point either of you could have diffused the situation by talking about your feelings calmly anf kindly. The next time he looks angry, why don't you put your arms around him, say something nice and ask him what'b bothering you? I'm not saying it is your responsibility. If he was asking this question I'd tell hime to do the same thing.

Answer 3

marriage counseling. If he won't tell you his feelings directly he would probably tell it to a male counselor. The counselor can be your mediator and help you guys out. I think there's a lack of communication between the two of you. Also, maybe you didn't see it b4 you married him, but he might have been disrespectful then.



For now, seek a counselor and don't tell him what to do. However, say he did a mess on the carpet. For example, you can try telling him this: "honey, look if you wish you can keep doing this, but I'm not going to be doing the cleaning. It's too much stress on me to do all this work, so to make it easier on both of us w/o engaging in an argument every single time, I think it'd be better to hire a maid or some cleaning service. I am not your mom, I'm your wife. I ask for respect. If you want to continue acting childlishly, then do it, but I'm not going to be doing this housekeeping anymore. Cook your own food, clean the house yourself, I'm going to go enjoy myself with my gals (do leave him for a day/night out with your friends. let him think about his ways and he'll worry about losing you. You don't wanna make him feel like you're always gonna be there for him). Lastly, tell him: When you make your decision, then let me know."

Answer 4

He's passive aggressive. This is his way of coping with problems. He won't talk about what bothers him but will take it out on you another way. VERY hard person to deal with. This is learned in childhood and it can be changed but only if he actually wants to. It sounds like he's content being the jerk that he is right now. This man hasn't learned real life skills yet and if it's not dealt with one or both of you will always be unhappy. I bought a pretty good book about this because my spouse has the same issue. Although he has never been to therapy I have basically shown him what he does and make him talk about what's bothering him before it reaches that point. I have learned to find subtle signs so I can address it before it gets to that "vengeance" state.

Answer 5

Wow, you sound like how my sister and her husband used to be. I'll tell you what she did, maybe it'll work for you. 2 years of fighting or just doing things to upset the other person, she decided to go to counseling, and somehow got him to come too. She said having a third person to negotiate and teach each other to fight fairly and to respect each other helped alot. The problem didn't get fixed over night, but their marriage is alot better, and they act like they are in love with each other now. So maybe you could suggest this to your hubby. After all, if you both love each other, it's best to get help while the problems are still small before they get so big it seems impossible.

Answer 6

I don't care that he came from a broken home, or that his daddy was was abusive. There is no excuse for his verbal and emotional abuse. Saying that he only did it because you made him mad, is really pathetic. You need to get your life together and get your self esteem back. It's up to you how much longer you're going to put up with his abuse. You need to consider how this is going to affect your daughter. She may be a baby, but babies are very receptive. They know when there is tension. The counselling is a good start, but some advice, make sure you get some one on one counselling for yourself. He's done a very good job of bring down your self confidence, you need to get that back. If you don't see any improvement on his part, are you willing to leave with your daughter and have a life on your own? Even though you wouldn't have him around, at least you wouldn't be stressed out all of the time from his unacceptable behaviour. Until you get counselling, be the mature one. If he picks fights and then threatens to leave, let him leave. Don't get into it with him. Remember, if you choose to stay with him and he doesn't stop the abuse, this is going to affect your daughter. You're one who can make the abuse stop, after all you picked him. Good luck.

Answer 7

keep takin the birth control pills baby

till u sure he aint gonna become the UBER a**hole



talk it over



mention the fact that u aint his slave

that u want a pertnership

not a

dictatorship



if hes prepared to re negotiate your marriage vows

and help u 50-50 till the end OK

if not, examine your position



in married life a woman gotta be Diplomat, Statesman, Manager, and a ton of other things

place the situation clearly before him



then act accordingly



PS

the fact u got here means theres

somthin special with u 2

gotta rekindle that

and build on it



otherwise yo is doomed

Answer 8

First of all, you have to let him be a man. Don't treat him like one of the children. If he dumps crumbs on the floor, please don't b*tch about every little thing. You should really try remembering what you loved about him.



It sounds like you two need to get out of the house and hold hands and kiss in public. Don't let the fact that you have that title of marriage on you, make you expect him to change. The things that made you fall in love, will substain the relationship.



I know believe me. Work on not fussing about every little thing and focus on the positive. Just vacuum if he makes a mess. And remember, the best time to bring up an issue with a guy is AFTER you have given him some good sex. A little spontaneous head wouldn't hurt either.



Stop caring so much about minor offenses. Treat him like he is your boyfriend again.

Answer 9

That's marriage. You must of got the memo about it being easy. Lie. You have to work and communicate. COMMUNICATE..NOT NAG. Guys don't respond to nagging. They get defensive because we saw it happen to our dads. Try communicating. That's the key. It's also a skill that will come with time. Believe me. If neither of you cheats or beats on each other it can be fixed. Guys are just oversized kids. They listen to a soft voice, not to a yelling one.

Answer 10

Try to talk to him without attacking or blaming him. Which i know its really hard sometimes. If you guys seem not to be able to have a civil conversation. Maybe you should seek some counseling. They work to help you see a clearer side of things.

Answer 11

You have a serious problem that will only get worse. Here's my suggestion. He needs to grow up and start respecting you and like wise you return the respect. You got to have values in your relationship becaaue without it, your doomed to fight for ever until someone gets hurt bad. Nip it in the bud now!

Answer 12

Lol, my wife and I moved in together at 15 and out on our own at 16. We got married at 18 right after my birthday. We were on that road at one point. I would try to piss her off from time to time for a few reasons.



1. to assert my authority. I can do as I please, watch.



2. To get some sort of conversation going. Childish, I know.



3. It's my house and you can't boss me around.





The fix? Communication! I would suggest you do marriage counseling. I wouldn't wait until a fight, I'd sy it at a good time and explain what it really is!



I drug my wife into pre-marital counseling and marriage counseling a few times, a few of those times were when things were going perfect! But why? Marriage counseling isn't a sign that things are going towards divorce, it's the opposite in fact. Two people are working towards finding perfection i ntheir relationship. I explained it like this last time.



"Darling, i love being with you so much. I think we could improve how we communicate though. Can we go talk to our counselor and find even more ways to maintain this closeness?" and I said this during a time where things were perfect.



At one point, we were on a rocky road and while we were fighting she suggested it. I didn't want to go because I felt like it was punishment. I enjoyed it after I gave in, but if we hadn't been so strong to begin with, I'd have said no and thought the relationship was over.





Counseling isn't about telling each other how wrong you are. It's not about who the badguy is. it's about learning how to properly talk to each other. We still use one technique we learned 16 years ago.



I could say "I hate how you talk to me when you're tired, I'm not some filthy hobo you can talk to like ****"





OR



I FEEL like you don't respect me when you talk to me like that. It hurts my feelings. please talk to me how you'd like to be talked to"



It keeps me from pointing the blame at her and instead saying how it impacts me.





Also, I find that most of our friends have a debt to debtor relationship. Much like a home loan, they give 50% and 50% to make 100%. This is not how a successful marriage works. both have to give 100% to make it work. What do I mean by debt to debtor? It's conditional living. "I won't have sex with you because I'm angry"



"I won't cook a nice meal for you because you talk poorly to me"



"I won't fix the sink because you don't put out"



If you ask anyone in a long term happy relationship they'll tell you how this works. Most even in short relationships make this mistake. Make a choice to work your hardest at doing all you can, and if he sees this, he'll also follow suit. don't hold out, ever. It's the quickest way to ruin a marriage. Marriage is a monopoly for sex. Holding out only destroys trust.





Don't do things for what you get in return, or what you're already paying for. Do it because you want to give 100% of yourself to your man.





Lastly! ALL MEN ARE CHILDREN. I'm a man, I'm shooting you straight. We're not ever the same age as women, not in any way shape or form. This is proven fact. Some of us just know how to hide this better than others. We're all 12 year olds now, and forever. We're just 12 year olds with many years of experience. If you're expecting anything different, you're wrong.



At a calm time, suggest counseling and remember why you want to go. You love him and want to be able to communicate better.

Answer 13

try to have a serious talk with him, don't treat him like a child or talk to him as if he's a child..

ask him what it is that you do that he doesn't agree with and vice versa..

meet half way and see what each other can do in order to live peacefully under the same roof..

Answer 14

Where do you want him to put the crumbs...in your bed?



Geez, lighten up.



Make him a sammich.