Question:
I moved somewhere I hate for my husbands job?
?
2017-01-10 12:24:50 UTC
My husband got an outstanding job right out of college....in a place that I absolutely hate living. It was in both of our best interests to try living here, and put in a sincere effort to enjoy it. Well, I've been trying for a year now, and I dislike it more then ever. We are right smack in between the ghettos of a mid sized city and super desolate farm country. Some of the stores I go to have police officers with guns guarding the doors, and then two miles down the road will be stores that sell $6,000 couches! Everyone I meet is either filthy rich living in the city, straight out of the "hood", or a farmer. I have absolutely nothing in common with any one! I mean, don't get me wrong, I have "acquaintances", but I have yet to really connect with anyone, and I know they feel the same way about me. This place is COLD. It snows 6 months out of the year. Last winter, the temperature frequently dropped below 0 degrees, and we had to shovel the snow off of our roof or else ice damns would form and leak through the ceiling. We're 300ft from the road and frequently get snowed in because of this. That's ALOT of snow to dig through to get out. We've hired people to plow us out, but sometimes it takes longer then a day for them to get through their other customers and on to us.

I hate it here so much, but the more I hate it, the better my husbands job gets. His company was just declared one of fortune 500's top companies to work for in the country. He got a promotion and a huge raise and is doing work that he could have only dreamed about in college. He's fulfilling his dreams, and improving the lives of thousands of people while he's at it, getting awards and promotions - while I'm stuck in this igloo all by myself all day every day. I'm a freelance designer, and I do all of my work from home, with no reason to ever leave my computer to do my work. I also have a 3 month old infant to care for.

What do I do? I want whats best for my husband, and I'm trying so hard to be happy here for him...or at least less miserable. I have friends and family come and stay for long weekends as often as they're willing, but that's not exactly a solution. I know that if I asked him to, my husband would quit his job and move anywhere I wanted him to - but I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for doing that if I did. =(

Anyone have any advice?

Thanks...
Eleven answers:
?
2017-01-15 21:26:52 UTC
I understand how you feel.



I'm contemplating moving back to my hometown, a place I left for better options, for an intimate relationship. Thankfully hometown is experiencing a surge of urban renewal though it's still not as affluent as my current location. But my last visit home was so pleasant, I can now see how I could create a happy and comfortable life there. I've lived all over the US and now I'm ready to settle down.



But in your situation, the location you're currently residing in seems like a hopeless place. Maybe not for others but definitely for you. You're totally not happy and it seems a move is the only solution.



If you haven't already, tell your husband the truth...the whole truth and don't hold anything back. It's possible he may think you're being selfish but you both need to at the BIG picture. Your life is a living hell, you're not happy, and eventually your lack of enthusiasm is going wreck havoc on your marriage.



Your unhappiness will soon effect your responsibilities as a mother, if it hasn't already. Your child can feel your pain even if he or she can't make verbalize it. Children are heavily effected by their environments and the last thing your baby needs is an unhappy mother.



Other side effects your unhappiness can eventually lead to clinical depression, resentment, weight gain, and a decline in your writing abilities. You, your child, your career, and husband deserve better.



Is your husband's job really so important that he'd allow something as a physical location to eventually ruin his marriage? Family is the most important thing in the world. It's because of my love for my family that I'm willing to move back to my hometown. I love my extended family and want my future kids to be surrounded by love, their elders, and generational traditions. I lived far for my family as a kid and missed out on a lot. Besides, I'm lucky to be from a place that's rich in culture and anything but boring.



Back to you...



You previously mentioned that your husband works for a large company and should be able to get a transfer to a more desirable location. That's a plus!



Your current location isn't the end all and be all. I know that sometimes when you're in you're under 40, it feels like once in a lifetime options are limited, especially when you're trying to build your career. But from my experiences, I'm learning that success and opportunities exist no matter where you are. There's always a way to succeed at doing what you love. However, when you're in a negative environment - whether it's a city, home, or even within a particular company - it's very difficult to take advantages of those golden opportunities. Your living environment is key.





In your heart, you know a move would improve your family life. Discuss how you both feel about your living situation and then come up with a relocation-action plan. Do this as couple, you're part of a supportive team, remember? Imagine how much happier you'd both be in an environment that enriched your lives. Think about the type of life your child and future children would be able to enjoy. No city or location is perfect, each place has it's pros and cons. However, we all need to live in an area that's safe and comfortable. You might not be able to move overnight but you should be able to move someplace better.



I understand that we need to compromise in relationships but at what expense? Remember, your job as a wife and mother trump everything else. It's more important than a job that can definitely be performed in another location.



I hope my answer helps. I wish you luck and hope a moving truck eventually arrives at your front door before the end of 2012.
anonymous
2017-01-10 19:15:34 UTC
Donna C asked this EXACT question 5 yrs ago, and the below, by J Alex, what was chosen as best answer (you can go to the link and see all the other replies as well, fake question asker).



"I understand how you feel.



I'm contemplating moving back to my hometown, a place I left for better options, for an intimate relationship. Thankfully hometown is experiencing a surge of urban renewal though it's still not as affluent as my current location. But my last visit home was so pleasant, I can now see how I could create a happy and comfortable life there. I've lived all over the US and now I'm ready to settle down.



But in your situation, the location you're currently residing in seems like a hopeless place. Maybe not for others but definitely for you. You're totally not happy and it seems a move is the only solution.



If you haven't already, tell your husband the truth...the whole truth and don't hold anything back. It's possible he may think you're being selfish but you both need to at the BIG picture. Your life is a living hell, you're not happy, and eventually your lack of enthusiasm is going wreck havoc on your marriage.



Your unhappiness will soon effect your responsibilities as a mother, if it hasn't already. Your child can feel your pain even if he or she can't make verbalize it. Children are heavily effected by their environments and the last thing your baby needs is an unhappy mother.



Other side effects your unhappiness can eventually lead to clinical depression, resentment, weight gain, and a decline in your writing abilities. You, your child, your career, and husband deserve better.



Is your husband's job really so important that he'd allow something as a physical location to eventually ruin his marriage? Family is the most important thing in the world. It's because of my love for my family that I'm willing to move back to my hometown. I love my extended family and want my future kids to be surrounded by love, their elders, and generational traditions. I lived far for my family as a kid and missed out on a lot. Besides, I'm lucky to be from a place that's rich in culture and anything but boring.



Back to you...



You previously mentioned that your husband works for a large company and should be able to get a transfer to a more desirable location. That's a plus!



Your current location isn't the end all and be all. I know that sometimes when you're in you're under 40, it feels like once in a lifetime options are limited, especially when you're trying to build your career. But from my experiences, I'm learning that success and opportunities exist no matter where you are. There's always a way to succeed at doing what you love. However, when you're in a negative environment - whether it's a city, home, or even within a particular company - it's very difficult to take advantages of those golden opportunities. Your living environment is key.





In your heart, you know a move would improve your family life. Discuss how you both feel about your living situation and then come up with a relocation-action plan. Do this as couple, you're part of a supportive team, remember? Imagine how much happier you'd both be in an environment that enriched your lives. Think about the type of life your child and future children would be able to enjoy. No city or location is perfect, each place has it's pros and cons. However, we all need to live in an area that's safe and comfortable. You might not be able to move overnight but you should be able to move someplace better.



I understand that we need to compromise in relationships but at what expense? Remember, your job as a wife and mother trump everything else. It's more important than a job that can definitely be performed in another location.



I hope my answer helps. I wish you luck and hope a moving truck eventually arrives at your front door before the end of 2012."
?
2017-01-10 14:26:11 UTC
You feel trapped...and like you're 'taking one for the team'. But you've mentioned some very good points. His success is a 'win' for the family. For now, his résumé is getting better & better. Increased pay & promotions. Temporarily, stay put. When the weather gets better, maybe consider moving to a house/place with a better view, away from the road. I know you feel like a shut in. And understandably so. You have cabin fever, and no social life. You need some sunshine and fresh air hon. Some outside activity that is good for your soul. Bide your time. Maybe your husband can land a better job, better pay, in a more desirable location in a few yrs. Go visit your friends & family now and then for a change of scenery. Allow yourself some vacation time to recharge yourselves (soak up some sunshine). This is an early sacrifice. Not a death sentence...for now. Hang in there. He'll have better opportunities down the road.
?
2017-01-10 13:12:51 UTC
What you do is change your attitude. You would do all of your work from home, with no reason to ever leave your computer to do your work, and you would also have a 3 month old infant to care for no matter WHERE you lived.



It snows a lot. Yay! Take up cross country skiing, or snowmobiling, or whatever.



You're not friends with anyone there, so what? You have a computer, and Skype is STILL a free program.



All of your details boil down to, "Poor me, I'm miserable, but I'm not willing to DO anything about it."



PS - Somewhere within reasonable commuting distance of your husband's job is a community in which you would feel more comfortable. There is no law that you have to stay in THAT particular house in order for him to keep his job.
P
2017-01-10 16:34:05 UTC
Surely there has to be a better neighborhood within a 25 mile radius of his work. You moved for him, he can compromise by commuting a bit more. Even in snow country with the right house you shouldn't have to shovel snow off the roof and plow 300ft to the road. It seems like you just let him pick everything and got nothing you wanted in where you chose to live. My guess is he jumped on having a house on a big plot of land for cheap, but did not realize that doesn't make up for a nice neighborhood or a house properly built to handle a bad winter.
anonymous
2017-01-10 16:13:16 UTC
Can you afford buying yourself a car? If you do, then that might help solve issues. And you will be able to go and look for a job out of town but still in the region or somewhere you like better.
seedy history
2017-01-10 19:12:36 UTC
One year? Stop hiding in the house, get out and about, learn new things about people you don't know and allow your husband AT LEAST two more years here. Meet some happy Mommies with $6,000 couches.
anonymous
2017-01-10 13:11:06 UTC
What did your husband say when you first discussed this with him?



If he works for a Fortune 500 company, it's almost certainly a *large* company. Big companies usually have many locations. Why can't he transfer? There's a lot of "Oh woe is me" in your post but not a lot of substance.
Pedal power
2017-01-10 21:36:25 UTC
Girl, leave that guy alone, let him make money and save it. In the meanwhile try to pick up hobbies or other things to make the time easier, one year is not enough, let him be there 2 more years and then move to another location. Good luck girl.
boj
2017-01-10 15:35:24 UTC
find something constructive to do with yourself life getting a job, online classes, etc. so youre not so focused on your surroundings or the people.
?
2017-01-10 12:34:38 UTC
That is something people do when they love someone. Yeah, keep having babies, 1 day you will be glad you did, right now it will help keep your sanity


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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