Question:
What do I do when my man thinks I'm cheating when I am not and never have (long details!)?
Jadey
2013-07-10 16:50:49 UTC
We have been together for 3 years with one 4 month break. We both are possessive and very controlling and we try to work on it together but usually it ends in explosive fights. I can get extremely crazy when our fights get explosive and I become extremely hysterical. Our fights used to just be over stupid things and he never accused me of cheating before we got back together. But a few months ago, the accusations have been non stop. I live with him and I am with him all the time but I also work 2 jobs but I come home immediately after every time. Usually he is not home and I have to go pick him up. When I am home by myself and he comes home, he always accuses me of cheating on him and having another man in our home. A few months back, we got in a fight and I went to my car with a blanket to sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable so i was moving around a lot. Well very recently, our neighbors approached him and told him that they had a video that showed another man in the car making out with me then ducking out of the car and running off. He has been cheated on many times in the past and I have been cheated on once before but I have only have less than 10 boyfriends and slept with only 2 of them. So I have only slept with one guy other than my man right now. But there was more complications because of my past in which I was abused when I was a child by a family member. I love my man so much and he was the man that I planed to marry. But lately, I am not able to handle all the insults of him accusing me of being a heartless cheater. I have asked him today to seek professional help but he refuses to bring another person in. He always tells me that he’ll cheat on me cruelly then leave if he ever got proof that I cheated on him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t stand to be separated. Because of his past with constantly being betrayed by girls in his history, he has the ability to move on very quickly without looking back once he thinks he has been betrayed. The accusations are not one-sided though. I sometimes accuse him as well, light things like hey you think she’s cute huh, you probably messed with her when you were out “at your dads”. But usually he reassures me and I move on. However, when he accuses me, he gets very hostile and cold to me. And it lasts a long time. I have never cheated and never will, I don’t have the heart to… I am not that person. But I happen to be unlucky and situations just sometimes look really bad. A couple months ago, we had sex with a condom and I guess neither of us kept track of it. A couple days later, we were messing around and the same use condom came out of me and we fought for hours over it and he was so close to kicking me out and throwing out all of my belongings in the hallway. It’s things like that that happen. I understand how he feels though because I wouldn’t have believed him if the situation had been reversed. Another case was when he came up the stairs, he saw another man come from our side of the apartment complex (in which we are the only occupied apt. in this side of the building) who apparently looked shady. The manager approached him and told him that she had seen the same man go into the apartment and she “thought that he was his friend”. He came in that day and kept asking me who that man was but I didn’t know ! I was just waiting inside doing my own thing BY MYSELF. It is so frustrating and I don’t understand why throughout our whole relationship, people have tried to break us apart by telling him that I was cheating on him. I didn’t cheat or have another man in the house of anything even remotely close to that boundary. The frustration in knowing that I didn’t do anything wrong and he things so lowly of me makes me hysterically crazy! I try calmy talking to him and reassuring him but he continues to be cold and hostile and I gives me this rage feeling deep inside my gut and I start screaming and I have this huge fit. We can have the most amazing day then I give one wrong look at another man and his hostility is back. He didn’t even trust me to go to the Vans store at the mall to exchange a pair of shoes after I dropped him off at work. Both of us are getting sick of tired of this whole ongoing accusatory drama scene. He takes care of me and makes sure I eat and sleep and am healthy when I work 12-14 hour days, he gives me loves and cuddles, but then he just flips sometimes. He told me that from the bottom of his heart, he senses that he can’t trust me. Whenever we are in public, he turns hostile and says that all the other men are having these testosterone battles with him… And apparently they do that by trying to steal my gaze, which apparently I am always looking at other men when I should be at his side the whole timeSo then I try to only look at the ground and cling to his right arm when we are in public but then he says that I think he’s stupid and that he sees me still looking at other men. It is so frustrating!! Please help us!!
Six answers:
Dee in CO
2013-07-10 16:52:08 UTC
You need to leave this guy. He's abusive and controlling and a little crazy. It's not worth it.
David W
2013-07-10 23:57:35 UTC
You two are reinforcing each other's controlling neurosis. Trust is necessary for a marriage to work. You both have to know the other isn't cheating. The hurtful accusations on both sides need to cut back. The truth is usually a lot plainer than what we can imagine. (How would you have time to cheat working two jobs?). His reactions in public are his problem to get over. (Testosterone battles, ha.) And, um, a used condom falling out of you, in addition to being an awkward thing to have to explain, sort of defeats the purpose, don't you think? It doesn't sound to me like the men sneaking around are really happening (again, a product of his imagination). You guys just have to trust each other, and behave so impeccably that you won't believe these bad circumstances mean anything when they happen. Easier said than done, true, but worth it to save a marriage. Good luck to you both.
kornfan-1
2013-07-10 23:56:40 UTC
Leave him. He is a control freak and you are toxic for each other. If you stay with him he will try to control you to the point that he will not allow you to leave the house he already has you staring at the ground and still accusing you of looking at other men. He does not trust you at all and trust is the hardest thing to get back in a relationship. I saw you mention many ways he makes you feel but I did not see HAPPY. Maybe I missed it but if he is not making you happy he needs to go. Too much drama and not enough happiness.
Cateyes
2013-07-11 00:03:09 UTC
This is an extremely toxic, unhealthy relationship. Get out and don't look back. If you think things are bad now, just wait till you married him or a few years down the road. RUN!!!!!
Sepideh
2013-07-11 00:07:49 UTC
I dont think he is suitable for you.You are in love with him but he has cheated on you several times so why would you want to stay?You have another way,You should try to gain his trust if you really want to stay with him but i have to warn you it will be a very hard thing to do and your chance of being successful is not high.
Serene E
2013-07-11 02:15:59 UTC
Time to move on, dear. He's nuts.


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