Should I forgive my inlaws for sladering my character?

Question

I have recently received emails that were sent from my mother in law and father in law to my sister in law that contained malicious lies following a confrontation at my home this past Jan. The confrontation occured because I will not let my children go to their home without my husband or myself because my 2 year old daughter was left unsupervised by a pond in their back yard when they had a marital spat. The lies were told to all members of my husband's family and those people have not been speaking to us. (husband tells his parents that we both feel this way, but they continue to insist that it is my doing) The lies involved my mental status, implications that I have been verbally attacking all members of the family, and gossiping, and my mother in law insists that I am in denial about the death of my son 2 years ago being a doctor's mistake and she is angry that we did not sue the doctor and spread rumors about my personal medical information. None of these are remotely true. I am a quiet person, I have been grieving for my son, a miscarriage and the loss of my grandfather during this time. Now I have been asked by them to write a list of everything I wish the relationship had been over the last 15 years and they say they want to start over. I don't know how to respond to this. I don't want to be a fool, but don't want to be the "unforgiving stone cold" person that they accused me of being. Please help!

Answer 1

My dear tell them to take a leap. They sound like conniving horrible toxic people and you are better off not allowing them back into your lives. If your husband is on board ask him to intervene and tell them you are not interested in repairing the relationship because they have gone too far and do not deserve forgiveness.



There are consequences to actions and speaking of your son that passed, to me, is unforgivable.

Answer 2

I am sorry that life has been giving you these challenges for the last couple of years, but keep you head and spirits up, things will get better. As for your family problem I have a couple of issues that would be worth considering before you make any giant leap to reconcile and I don't mean with the In laws. For the family members that no longer speak to you, I would make it a known, that not speaking to you because they believe you did or didn't do something based on your perception of a lie, will cost them all consideration of being included as a family member by you. They believed a rumor and took it to the next step. With out a sincere apology I would not allow those people to be any part of your life, you can not control your husband nor should you (It's his blood family, even though he should support you) but you control yourself, your children and your home.



The above being said I would make it crystal clear to the In-laws why you feel the way you do (even if you have told them previous) and ask if they can give you remedy for something similar never happening again. If they ask for forgiveness and promise then I would drop the subject and give them another chance, if they patronize you with a: Oh sure We'll never do that again answer (which you can spot), let them know you'll give it some thought. If they do seem appropriately sorry for their past actions, I would let them know what you think of the other relatives and your new found position on people acting on behalf of a half truth or lie.



I would give little wiggle room to these people. And then I would take a hard look at myself (that's you!). These are your children, you protect them with everything in your aersonal, if that doesn't work you kill (just kidding), but you do everything you can to protect the child that can not or is unable to protect themselves. Here's the proff: Would you rather go to a funeral for your dead child because you trusted the Grandparents who proved they couldn't be trusted. Trust is earned or promised, death is not. I know I don't have to tell you because of your past tradgedy, and I know also as I've lost a child, but keep reminding yourself that often; the childs only chance is you!

Answer 3

Don't waste your time, only identify what you want it to NOT be.



** Once they can manage treating you decently, then together, you can move toward an ideal relationship.



1) They should write to everyone that they slandered you to, and disabuse them of the idea that you have mental problems, etc. If they feel you are too overprotective, then they should keep it to themselves and respect your right to raise your kids as you determine. If they really want to make ammends, they will do this.



Since your husband's on your side, and it's his wacky family, he should be the one handling all of this, and when it's cleared up satisfactorily, then you can re-enter the picture. You may have to sit the whole family down together and try to work things out. This he-said, she-said business is making the situation worse.



Good Luck

Answer 4

I'm sorry that you have had such a tragic loss in your life. And it took courage to stand up to them about the way they are to act around your children. I would respond to their email and let them know that they have slandered you and not respected you as the mother of your children. Tell them that this behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. Tell them that you are not going to make a list because all that you expect is for them to let you make your own decisions concerning your family which is your husband and children and if they don't like it then they need to accept it and respect it or stay away.

Answer 5

Dear Tate, my heart aches when I read of the death of your son. How heartbreaking. You have gone through enough genuine trauma to have your pain compounded by your husband's family. It is time to eliminate the gossiping, back-biting, and hateful drama that surrounds your in-laws. You have served your time in their pit - 15 years is long enough!



One of the best ways to protect yourself is to opt out of second-hand reports about what these characters are saying. That means if your sister-in-law starts telling you what her mother said about you, tell her "Please, I don't want to hear this." Treat yourself kindly. Don't listen to the tales of the in-laws' lies and twisted opinions about you. If you refuse to listen to this talk, you will remove a lot of hurt and stress from your heart.



Your in-laws want you to write a list of everything they did wrong? Oh, pleeez....TATE, DON'T PLAY THEIR GAME! DON'T FEED THAT FIRE! Let your response be simple; write them, "I must be treated with kindness and respect." Period. No kindness? No respect? No relationship.



Your strength must come from a husband who supports you. Your letter does not say much about the role your husband has in his family's drama. You also do not say how close, geographically, his family is to you. Do you visit them often of is their poison phoned in?



I believe you are soon going to be able to filter out the hurtful noise and feel a lot more powerful as a woman, mother, and wife. You can set some healthy standards.



I'm rooting for you.

Answer 6

How does your husband respond to all that has happened? Have they stopped talking to him as well? I had a situation one time with my in laws and my husband talked to them about respecting me or else, ever since they`ve changed and have become very different people. How about letting your husband standing up to them and telling them, hey guys, this is my wife, and you need to respect her. If you go against her, you go against me too.

If he has done that and still no change, then just start over with them but make your rules clear. If you don`t feel safe leaving your children at their home without you or your husband then don`t- At the end the most important people in your life is you, your husband and your children, and even your emotions. You`ve been dealing with a lot and nobody, at least them, don`t seem to care!

If they don`t want your rules then forget about them, you can`t do more. And your husband needs to stand right beside you on this.

Answer 7

Your hubby should have been the one to intercept all the bull from his family and put an end to it.He also should ask them for an apology to you with all family members present.whether you accept it or not ,is your choice. I would then distance myself from the trash can. You are fortunate to have a husband that stuck by you against his own family. I guess he knows their true colors. Hold your head up high. You have each other & the children,cherish them.

Answer 8

It isn't that you are an unforgiivng stone person if you cut them off. You might very well be a wise person to protect yourself from toxic people. I'm not sure I would want to have anything to do with them ever again.



But family being family and wanting your husband to have a relationship with his familiy...If you decide to write a list, then write it in a positive spin of what you want the relationship to be instead of the wrongs they commited against you. For example, instead of writing about how your daughter was unsupervised by the pond, write that you want your daughter to have a close and loving relationship with them. Write it from the perspective of your dream for a perfect relationship with them...that you want your MIL to share recipes with you; that you want them to be interested in what you do; that you want them to accept you as how you are; that you want to accept them for how they are; that you want them to greet you warmly into their home, etc. Tell them that you want them to give you the benefit of the doubt in their interpretation of events. What is your ideal?



Tell them your ideal.



If you write about the wrongs they commited against you, you will have no progress moving forward. And your negative words will only serve to fuel the animosity. You know how you feel about what you read in that e-mail.



Oh...write the nasty e-mail, but then tear it up. You need to get those feelings out of your system.



Frankly, I would have nothing to do with them and their toxicity. But I also understand the position you are in.

Answer 9

I'd use this letter writing opportunity to tell them exactly what you told us here.

Some in laws interfere waaaaay too much. If you make permanent enemies out of them after doing what you thought was right (and protecting your child from possible harm over there is completely in your right) then that's their problem, not yours.

Good thing your hubby's on your side.

Answer 10

i would never speak to them again





who gives a flying f*** what they think of you, YOU know the truth and anyone worth knowing will find out the truth from you and see through their lies





so sit back, relax, and let the psychos marinate in their self-induced misery





just take care of yourself, k hun?

Answer 11

what they did to u was really ****** up. im the kind of person that i dont 4get and hard to forgive especially after something like this. but if u love them then 4give them. its not healthy to hold a grudge. its stressful

Answer 12

Amen noone!!



You should write the list for your self, and if you ever feel TRUELY in your heart you want them to have it, you can give it to them. Until then steer clear from them is my advice!

Answer 13

well i think you hold the keys to that solution. if it was your husband i think we all know he loses.

Answer 14

pinch this BS off!



drama drama drama will die if you don't feed it