do i divorce or do i wait it out? please help.....?

Question

my husband and i have been together since 2002 and married since 2006. i have an 8 yr old from a prev. relationship who was 2 when we met. before we got married he had been physically violent with me twice. i went back the first time cuz i believed it was the alcohol and the second time i went back i was pregnant and afraid of being a single mother again but with 2 kids this time. well after we married it happened again like 4 more times. i actually cheated on him and kinda dont regret it. i know it sounds wrong but i just resented him so much for all the crap he has put me thru. anyway, we now have 2 children together. 2yrs and 3 1/2 yrs and my 8yr old who have all seen him smack me and drag me by my hair thru the house, choke and shove me around. i left 1 week ago and moved myself and kids 2000 miles away while he was at work. when he came home he was devistated and calls me constantly wanting us all back cuz he misses us and all. but he has also told me he wants a divorce for a week straight now and i think its just to scare me into coming back in a way. should i just call his bluff and file for divorce or file for a legal separation? i want him to realize he has a problem and get help before i would consider coming back. he isnt the couseling type tho. it hurts like hell cuz i love this man soooo much. put yourselves in my shoes.... what would you do? any hope here?

Answer 1

I would divorce because it is really affecting you.. and you said it yourself hes not the counseling type....and if he did it more than once you can never be sure that it won't happen again...plus think of your children its affecting them more seeing the way that their mother is being treated and that can be affect them mentally. You shouldn't be too worried about being single I'm sure you will have friends and family that can be there to help you out.

Answer 2

I know you love him but you cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within. If he wants his family back do NOT go back to him unless he gets professional help, counselling, treatment and anger management problems. When all of that is done (and that may take a while) then it is your decision to take him back or not.



You have kids, your kids come first now not him. Put your love for him aside and think about your children. If you keep going back then whats going to happen is that eventually your kids will be taken from you and you will be left alone with him, just the 2 of you ...then what? You'll have nothing.



You did the right thing by leaving him, I admire you for taking that huge step because I know a lot of woman who don't make that smart choice when in a relationship like this. I know it hurts and I know it's gonna be hard but you have to move on with your life. Make a good life for you and your kids and get back on your feet. Your children deserve a chance at a good life and it's up to you now to give them that.



Good luck and stay strong!

Answer 3

I know things are rough for you right now. But....THERE IS NO EXCUSE for him dragging you by the hair through the house and shoving you around and choking you. This is ABUSE! This is also an unsafe environment for your children as well. What if he gets abusive enough and does great bodily harm or goes too far and kills you? Your children dont deserve this kind of environment. Dont go back. Abusive men will promise they will change, they will promise they will never do it again, they will do whatever it takes to get you back but then nothing ever really changes. He will do this again, and again, and again to you. You were smart to get out. You moved 2000 miles away while he was at work and you gave him your phone number? I understand you dont want to deny him knowing where you are because you have 2 children together but because of the abuse I wouldnt give him your address or phone number. If you have given him your phone number get it changes to an unlisted number. At the least contact a divorce attorney. I would also get yourself involved in a support group for women who have been abused and counseling for your kids who have witnessed this abuse because it can have lasting effects on children that grow up in an abusive household. You have to understand you dont deserve abuse. I would consider a restraining order against him also. He isnt the counseling type you say. He doesnt want to change bad enough for himself to do anything about it. Until he gets help for himself because he sees the need to change then nothing will ever be any different. He needs serious counseling, anger management, and learn self control and learn that it is wrong what he is doing and make a change in his life. Why do you love this man soooo much? Do you like the thrill of being being dragged around the house, shoved, choked? You should concentrate on yourself and the safety of your children and build your life without this man. You had the courage to move 2000 miles away!! Way to go!! You have it in you to go forward you just have to dig deep and keep going forward without him. How about a man that is loving, caring, kind, supportive, sweet, funny, loves your kids? There are men out there like that. You can have peace in your life you just have to create it and learn its okay to have a peaceful quiet life without the abuse. Best Wishes!!

Answer 4

You need to divorce this guy at once if for no other reason, the fact that your children has seen you abused so that the boys may think that normal and abuse the women in their lives or if they are girls, they will expect to be treated that way in their lives as well. You love the man he was but you should see that he is no longer that person and love your children more, so get the divorce. You can contact domestic abuse shelters and they will give you support through this or search for ncadv.org and read what they have to say about domestic violence. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

First and foremost, I would love my kids and then myself. I would get a legal separation immediately, and on the date of the appropriate State law for filing for a divorce, I would do that too. Girl, your kids are scared for life, seeing you beat up like that. Even though they are young, they are impressed with that image for life. Some States require you wait one year separated before you can file for a divorce. You need to pursue that course of action and let the love go. He needs to get his life straight before he is any good to anyone else. You, your kids, his job, etc. He needs anger management, and a few other lessons on how to treat another human being. The worst part is, if you stay with him, as soon as the kids get a bit bigger, he will be hitting on them and perhaps hurt them seriously. DO NOT LET YOUR LIFE GO DOWN HIS PATH OF DESTRUCTION. GET OUT NOW -- FOR GOOD. GOOD LUCK WITH COMMON SENSE.

Answer 6

How can you love him so much when he hits you? I have heard that women love bad boys..... maybe its true. I have been married 20 years and my wife says she does not love me as much as she used to and we have not had sex in 3 months and she had an affair. I treat her so good, do house work, help clean the kitchen, so much, i spoil her , rub her back, her feet, and brush her hair, buy her things, and this is what i get, a very controlling wife. I think i shoul be more stronger and back off . As for you, i cant see how you love him so, he is just taking advantage of you........... If you want you can e mail me at [e-mail]. Maybe we can help each other.

Answer 7

Honey you need to move on!

#1 your children absorb everything and especially your 8yr son! Do you want him to treat his wife this way or do you want your daughter too think that this is okay for a man to treat her.



#2 File for divorce! Grab what dignity the children have of you and move on.



#3 You want your children to remember a happy childhood not how Daddy poorly treated mommy.

Answer 8

As you have learned, abuse only escaltes. Abuse and control go hand and hand, he is probably telling you he wants a divorce to try to control you. I would move forward, file the divorce and not look back. Realize you deserve so much better. You're a survivor

Answer 9

I can't be in your shoes because I could not love someone who beat me! Face it he beat you, drags you by the hair, does this in front of your children and you love this? Get over it! NOW!



You say he won't go to counseling, so how is he ever going to get help? He won't! Leave him before he really seriously injures you or your children!

Answer 10

WTF?! my wife almost left me cuz i played a video game 3-4 hours a day and your getting smaked around by a pos? and you want to stay with him? get the hell out and go far away hes crazy.. your 1st, your 8yr old will be next and sooner or later hell beat his own children.. go! dont look back

Answer 11

Even if he does realize he has a problem, don't go back. If you really love your kids, you will NEVER EVER go back. You could risk loosing your kids to CPS.

Answer 12

Abuse never gets better. Divorce him before he really hurts or even kills someone.

Answer 13

u like licks please remember the kids