Should I leave my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been dating for 3 ½ years, and married for about eight months. We started dating at nineteen. We currently have a seven month old daughter. He quit his part time job when I was five months pregnant, and went on unemployment until it ran out in June. And he is STILL unemployed, and his dad is paying our rent. Now my mother in law is going to move in to compensate for his half of the rent.

Among that very big factor on why I want to leave, he also recently broke my PAID OFF car about 2 weeks ago while looking at my cell phone. (Yes, my cell phone. He hasn’t had a cell phone for 2 years.)
Before that he lost my wallet, and then once again lost my bank card. And then he somehow managed to lose our house keys on the way from our car to our apartment and managed to lost my car key too. Although it doesn’t matter now, because I had to sell the car for $263 dollars because he busted the transmission and couldnt afford to pay for it. He is also VERY addicted to porn.

When we first met he was a full time student in college and receiving all A’s. He had a job, perfect credit (which was shot to hell after about a year of dating.) And you know it, he has now successfully failed all of his classes three semesters in a row.

Me? I have um… name calling issues. I also pay everything his father doesn’t pay and its really starting to piss me off so occasionally when we fight I call him a loser or a bad father. I know its not constructive.

Despite all of this, I love him deeply . He has dramatcially changed before my eyes, and he is a very devoted father (emotionally.) He also tells me he loves me everyday. I have told him I want to leave, and he's hurt but it always turn back to the name calling thing. He sincerely does not completely understand why I thinking about leaving no matter what I say. I am only 23 years old and I feel like Ive been married for sixteen years and I am pushing 40. I also feel like hes my son sometimes. I just want someone to give me an unbiased opinion that has “been there.” Do I give him more time to change? Or do I leave and get separted? Or am I a blabbering idiot that should have left ages ago?

Answer 1

Divorce him, it's not like it wasn't inevitable, you already wanted it.

Answer 2

While I don’t condone or suggest anyone walk away from a marriage when things get a little rough. You have been, by what you have told us anyway, a loving, and devoted wife that has shown tremendous patience. You are not in this alone, his actions also affect your daughter which should be your major concern.



Raising a child is not easy, not even with two people working, his lack of concern for your child is bothersome to say the least. You have indicated that you have told him your feelings, concerns and plans, but he still continues on this downward spiral.



Some people don’t know what they have until they lose it, perhaps he needs a wake-up call or a reality check. You are far too young to feel this overwhelmed and alone, it’s too early to be this tired. You will need all the strength you can muster as your daughter gets older and her needs change, and they do change rapidly.



I would have another sit-down with hubby and let him know that the clock is ticking, pointing out that this marriage has no open-ended date to it. If he becomes abusive, shake your head and agree, but reiterate that the clock is ticking and you have already picked a date and that if no change has been made you will be leaving. Don’t be combative or nasty, let him know how much this hurts but be assertive and unwavering.



Arrange things as if that date is already here, don’t wait till the last minute, make plans to leave. Should things not work out, be strong and know that things will work out for the better. Remind yourself you’re not the first woman to leave her husband and start over as a single parent.



He will see the change in you and it might be enough to wake him up, if not, let his next wife babysit him. If he wants to play footsy under the covers, hand him his keyboard and tell him to go at it. If the inevitable should happen and you do move out, don’t consider reconciliation until he has proven for at least a year that he has his crap together – if you want to give him that chance.



Be strong, be committed to a better life for you and your daughter.



The best of luck!!!

Answer 3

properly the solid element is which you have found out you're in an abusive relationship and prefer to go away. and you shouldn't be embarrassed that your marriage failed as a results of fact the guy you married ended up no longer being a guy after all, reason there's no excuse to abuse a woman. Your plan seems ok yet first i think of you may hit upon a place of the place you're going. seem for a job there in the previous you arrive so which you will have something set. seem for residences there so which you wont finally end up in a city the place lease is outrageous. Do your examine and characteristic numbers and handle obtainable in the previous you go away. %. some snack packs for you and your kiddo and characteristic funds waiting to hand for the line. purely understand the place you're going so which you will have a trip spot and characteristic issues set up for once you get there. could you prefer any help i'm better than keen to be there for you. i replaced into as quickly as in an abusive relationship so i know how complicated it somewhat is. Please enable me understand if i will do something for you. God bless you!

Answer 4

You should take him to a psychology. Definitely there is some thing wrong with him when he forget thing. Are sure he is not taking drug? After he had been evaluating by a psychiatric is there is nothing wrong with him, it's time for you to go. You have a lot time to live and there are reason why you have to put up with that. You are too young for that kind of life with not benefit on his part. Maybe he should be alone. No matter how many times he tells you that he love you it does not make any difference. We can not live in love alone. It's my experience that I stay with this guy for 7 year, he was an uncommitted man, I knew I had to live and I keep waiting to see if he would change, but that never happened. Something that I really regret it now.. You have to continue with your life and let him life his the way he wanted.

Answer 5

It really sounds like he is rebelling (for lack of a better word) against a life that he does not want. I'm sure he loves you and his child too but he sure has a strange way of showing it. Quitting his (PT!) job while you were pregnant? That's just sorry. You both are so young...I think he probably wants out but doesn't have the b*lls to do anything about it. So he's letting you and his parents take care of his responsibilities--why? Because you and they are letting him.



He's not going to change unless he is forced to. If you want to give him a chance, I would give him a very serious and specific ultimatum and stick to it! Give him x amount of time to find a full time, good paying job, x amount of time to get out from under daddy's "help", insist he drop out of school until he can grow up and take care of his responsibilities, as I'm assuming that's piling debt into the scenario as well and whatever else you want. I mean one really cannot argue with the points that you have made. Yeah, name calling isn't nice but somehow I think not supporting your wife and child is on another level.

Answer 6

Alex, I don't know if you have much choice here. If he is not going to get a job and act responsibly then you have to make a change. He seems to have gone downhill pretty fast for some reason. His addiction to porn and having a daughter in the house is just bad.



If you can afford to take care of yourself and your daughter then you should change your circumstances. He doesn't seem inclined to improve his situation. With a child he should have been motivated to get a job to provide for her and you. He didn't do that. It's like you are married to a child. Get a separation and see if that makes him wake up to his responsibilities. You have given him enough time already so something must give here. And your daughter does not need to be around porn. Weather you should have married him or not is in the past so don't worry about that. Focus on the future and your daughters welfare. He isn't. Also, don't let him avoid child support. Make sure he knows he will be held responsible for his share.



Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 7

Well, you know he's capable of being responsible since he was at the outset of your relationship. For the sake of your future and your child, you really need to try to figure out what has caused this drastic shift in his personality. When did the downturn happen? Did any even set it off? Everything you've said combined with the porn obcession sounds like he's depressed.



Talk to him about his change in behavior. Be calm, not angry. Ask him if he notices a difference and what lead to his change in attitude. Being calm can go a long way/

Answer 8

I think you have been very straight forward with him, and if not the fact that he has a wife and baby to help take care of should make things clear to him. He has decided to become a lazy bum failing college and shacking his wife and baby up with his parents. He won't take any steps to improve your lives and expects you to want to continue to live like that. I can see why you want to get the HELL out of there the name calling is not cool and I think it affects you as much as him when you stoop to that level but frustration has you on edge. It is becoming a very unhealthy situation and if you don't do something you will become very bitter, stuck in that mess. Your leaving may be the wake up call he needs to start making positive changes in his own life. I hate to encourage the breakup of a family but your husband is acting very insensitive and immature...

Answer 9

he is extremly immature and sounds like hes NOT ready to grow up...so he wont. i know exactly what u are going threw. i was in the same boat 5 years ago with my sons dad. almost the exact same story down to the tee (except my mother n law never had to live with us lol)unfortuanatly u have 2 choices and im sure u know them. one, you can stay and continue to be the adult until he wants to deal with him responsibilities and grow up, which could literally take years! by then you will feel like you are 60 when your 30, or you can give him an ultimadem and tell him if he dont straighten up youll leave. then do it. dont just threaten him. you have to actually leave and never come back. its a hard decision to make and im sorry for you. you both made the baby but now only you are the adult of "2"children. i finally got tired of my sons dad and left him. i wish i would have left him earlier though becuase by the time i left him i had turned from a cute little nice girl to a mature woman. its no fun being the responsible adult especially when the other parent continues to live as though nothings changed for them. but when you got a baby someones got to step up and usually its the girl. i havent really talked to my sons dad in over 5 years. last i heard he never got a job, quite college, got heavy into drugs and is now in prison. i on the other hand, am now married and me and my husband attend college together......(AND he works lol) good luck

Answer 10

first off he needs jesus lol



second - should you leave him? you took a vow and oath for better or worse

richer or poorer.



That may not be enough for you but let me say this... If you leave him think of

the horrible consequences it will have for your daughter. I was that child in her

situation.. trust me you do NOT want a kid to grow up like i did. I was a mess

and was gonna mount to NOTHING but no thanks to my parents im changed.

it was a religious encounter that woke me up.



If you leave you ensure awkward visits all your life due to your daughter.

you also carry the baggage and hurt in to your new relationships. The guys

will never be good enough, you'll never wanna trust people, and you will most

likely end up in "casual encounters".



Things look bad now .. i know but what im gonna say to you goes against all

american's beliefs n how we view marriage. I say fight for your marriage! Be the

woman/wife and HELPER he needs. He is seriously having a crisis he needs you

to step in and encourage and motivate him. Being unemployed is hard- he has all

that time to think about how he is NOT a man, how he cant provide for his family.

your not making it easier on him being critical either. You need to encourage him to

find a job, motivate him, do it with him if you have to. Start looking on line and just

sorta give him the strength you love him no matter what.



A way you can help him is give him time with his daughter in the mornings and plant them

seeds in his mind. Say she needs you today, she needs you to provide for her,

your not gonna give her the best life possible staying at home all day. If anything is

gonna motivate her its you and his daughter. As for his porn addiction - have you been

taking care of him sexually? has he been ignored during and since the baby has been

born? He uses porn as an escape cause it demands nothing of him, it doesn't fight with

him. If he spent as much time searching for a job as he does looking at porn he would

have a job.



In short some things need to change.

You need to re-establish alone time with him

You need to speak words of encouragement/

Give him a heartfelt apology for how great full you are for him

and you are sorry you have discouraged him. give him the

assurance you are his WIFE and you will stand by him.



I can see the day he is all you wanted and more.. n he will owe it all to you

for the man he will become. Your daughter will be better off to:)



message me if you wanna talk more

Answer 11

Hi Alex, lets me get straight to the point, what i have observed in your problem is the they were series of unfortunate bad things hapening. wat we need to focus here is wat has triggered it. looking at ur husbands pasp i dont see any accident or death (Touch wood / god forbid) in the family. so it just his professional life which is sucking badly. becasue all these things hapen does NOT make him a LOOSER. Now i understnad u r trying to be the PROVIDER / bread winner of the family, my hats off to u for that, it doesnt mean u call him names, pls dont do that, it will just set him off.



This is what i would suggest



1) See if you get him a job, How can u get him a job?? this is how -- ask ur friends, office friends or your network, now it shouldnt appear to him that he is getting job offers because of u, so you would have to tell ur friends or who ever is offering him the job not to spk abt this to him...( by doing this u can avoid EGO issues and quarells)



2) Try and take time off from and spend some time with ur husband n try n talk abt wats his plans, why exactly are u guys in this situation and how he can help and what initiatives which he has taken to fix this. Listen to what he has to say,. and based on that u can decide. If he doesnt have a plan or has no intentions to fix it then its your call.



Please understand and remember, When SH*T hits the fan, everyone runs, Its those who stay and face it are the true heros.



NEVER INVOLVE A 3RD PERSON (COUNCELLORS). IT WILL ONLY WORSEN THE SITUATION. Its your family and you would have to fix it



No one can help a person who cannot help himself.



all the best, let me know how it goes

Answer 12

Maybe try talking to him how you feel about his actions and responsibilities. Tell him he needs to get his life straight and find a job or you're leaving him.

Answer 13

Please find a counselor to discuss the best way to tackle each one of these issues. There are a lot of affordable/free counselors available that can help you make the best decision for yourself and your future. Don't wait for things to change. Make the effort now to find the right resolution to your situation.

Answer 14

he IS your child. men re maturing way slower than women, that's why in NORMAL world women re searching for older men - they matured to their level finally. u took yourself a baby so baby u will get. and if he were so bad why the heck did u get married ? now leave, stay - either way is good for him. babies don't care

Answer 15

it is sad that eveyone seems to be having some type of problems. some day in the twinkling of an eye we all will finally find our peace

Answer 16

I have input on one part of your question on the PORN.

read a book which describes or demystifies the matter. Then inform him, and he can work on it.

Answer 17

No you should not.