Question:
Should fathers without custody give up trying to be fathers?
simon e
2010-07-12 11:11:51 UTC
Constant battles to see children, refusal to give the child's health and insurance information, constant bad mouthing of the father, constant scheduling of non school activities on the fathers parenting time and much much more.......
Over $25,000 in court costs, for every other weekend, no spring break, no Christmas break, one week of a 12 week summer break, and a daughter who has not seen her father on her Birthday in 5 years, first right of refusal which has not been followed. We financially ruin ourselves no matter what, you fight, it costs you, you don't fight, it costs you, all the while no one listens to the kids, what about our children, how they feel matters, why is everyone only interested in getting what they need, AKA child support and fees? Fathers like myself are going through a living hell, our children are suffering and nobody helps. Of course the best interest of our children is the number one issue, for a father to voice his personal pain and his needs and wants too, does not make him a bad person or a bad parent. Many of us suffer a great deal, my ex cheated on me, was abusive during and after the marriage, but in court she said I was abusive physically, mentally, sexually, even claiming I raped her. Since our separation she has been arrested for DUI, Domestic Assault, public brawling and she also attacked me at a custody exchange, also I submitted police reports involving her, over 15 in total. I have nothing, not one problem, only a couple of speeding tickets in 20 years, she has also made the same claims about the father of her first child, and her last boyfriend. She is viewed as the victim always, she was even was reported for beating our 7 year old with a hairbrush by a Guardian appointed by the court, yet I'm called petty for asking for help and a parenting time expo, something suggested by the guardian and opposing counsel, plus something you have to motion for in my state, I'm then ordered to pay $2600 in attorneys fees because I didn't seek mediation before court action, mediation which we have done and she has broken the commitments made, I was put in a room with two women and my ex-wife, I was then made to watch my ex cry and beg me to drop everything, that she loved me and perhaps one day we could get back together, that she adores me (the Rapist) and would never get in the way of me being a father (deadbeat) to our kids, the sucker I am I made the choice to believe her, after the divorce mediation was needed again,that she then used it as an opportunity to attack me, then I'm held responsible in court for leaving after 30 min, leaving which was agreed upon by the mediator for all our safety at that time and to not cause further problems, thus why we are in court, also why mediate on placing a professional whom can only be appointed by the court, especially when the current setup works for the person causing all the problems! If you have mediation, if you have written reports by guardians that make direct quotes, shouldn't we be taping it, shouldn't we know what fact is over perception or manipulation or even simple mistakes in notations, these people all have personal agendas, including member of the court, this is all so disappointing, plus this is the 2nd time I've gone through all of this, first as the child and now as the parent, 28 years later it's the same old system.
Six answers:
paul john
2010-07-12 11:20:10 UTC
hell no you fight back, yes record every conversation, meeting, any time you have contact with her. Save your own butt. Keep all records and go after your children, prove they are better off with you. Don't lay there and take it, be smarter than she can ever be. Don't say anything about taping. They act all nice and proper, when they know that they are being watched.
pearl
2010-07-12 11:57:56 UTC
i am so sorry for what you have to go through. Even though I am a woman, I believe fathers get a raw deal in our current society. "The myth of male power" by Warren Farrel had opened my eyes to the real plight of men. Hang on there. Your children are worth every hardship you go through. Be positive and try to connect to your children within the available opportunities you have. Make best use of the time you have with your kids. Make it fun times. If you are not allowed to be with them on birthdays, celebrate a belated birthday whenever you meet them next. When you cant meet them , send them gifts and letters and cards (if that is not against the law in your country). You can be a father without being physically present too. If nothing else is possible, keep a diary. Write down all that you want to tell your children if they were with you. One day when your children are older, it will help them to reconnect with you. I hope you will get your children soon though. Dont give up the fight. Though children suffer by legal battle, it may still be important to them to know that the father wanted them , not abandoned them.
2010-07-12 12:50:46 UTC
Remember, that you are involved in a justice system that has gone through a dramatic change since the so called Simpson case. Men are guilty, before proven innocent in any case involving domestic abuse. I'm going through a similar situation, but luckly I pushed mediation and she refused it so the court appointed an attorney. Anyway, it was the best thing that ever happened. All I can say and recommend is that you remain in the fight, don't ever, ever give up!!! Money is not the point, money would mean nothing to you if you can't be with your children. You have a lot of DRAMA going on, you need to cut some of it out or you can't go on with your life. For example, refuse to communicate with her by phone or text. Demand emails. Cut out all communications or bring them down by 75 percent with her as if you had a court order. Mediators are NOT attorney's and are only humans and they make mistakes. It happened to me, they short changed me an entire week and when I contacted them about it, there was nothing they could do and my ex never gave me that week back. Never, ever leave it up to a Mediator to handle things in your best interest. YOU HAVE TO BE ON TOP OF YOUR GAME! Learn the art of saying "NO", and stop being a wimp!!!! Sorry, it's harsh but if you fall for her tears, and manipulation tactics, that's what you are. Let me give you an example: my ex says to me, I'll let you see the kids during the summer, anytime just let me know. I take her word for it and ask her can I see the kids, she says, "don't ask me to see my kids on my time, I'm enjoying them". We had a verbal agreement, and she refuses to acknowlege it. I said, okay. Now I know, even verbal agreements don't count. So little by little, I'm figuring it all out. Just be smart, don't fall for the sympathy crap, victims love to play that card with everyone. Be proactive, if you can afford it, get back into court with a good attorney. Ask around, do your homework, sometimes you can get things reversed in court. Just NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS. Stay in the fight. We are all in it, one way or another as you will see by the hundreds of posts here and all over the internet. Lastly, I'm not a religious freak, but I go to church to ask God for guidence. Don't think you are alone. Take care of yourself, and good luck!
demaria
2016-10-18 16:29:24 UTC
could it harm you to apply classes, commas, and different varieties of punctuation? communicate approximately immature... I take it you and he weren't married...if it is so and he desires to confirm rights as a father, then he will ought to bypass to court docket and get a DNA paternity attempt to confirm paternity, and then sue for custody/visitation rights. at that factor, he will additionally ought to start paying infant help.
Flavio Flow
2010-07-12 11:27:02 UTC
Absolutely not... Your children are an extension of yourself. You're brought them to this world. It's your your job to guide them to their destiny. They are worth all your fight... It pays off when they start giving back.. they will always love you unconditionally.
2010-07-12 11:17:49 UTC
Indeed. Many, many hardships. As a non-custodial father, I cannot argue many points.



But my children are worth it all. i cannot "give up" and neither can you.



Your kids need you, dad. They always will.



Hang in there.


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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