Hi W,
I say no, the cheating spouse is only half the problem, but why are you asking? It sounds like u need help in your marriage with a spouse who won't change.
R u are thinking of cheating as a solution to remain in the marriage for the kids? I think that is what u r considering. Please don't take my question as judgement, I am simply trying to clarify...
There are many people who flat out say it is wrong. So keep that in mind.
In some people's minds, you will be judged for cheating forever, like say in laws, neighbors or pto members, etc) Esp as a woman. sad but true. There are double standards and women are held to higher standards than men.
Every situation is different. But what might seem like an easy temporary bandaide can actually make your life a living hell. It might work but usually it just makes things worse. BTDT.
So in my opinion and experience, it's not wrong, but also it is not the best solution either.
My situation sounds somewhat like yours. I struggled for years to get my husband to stop gambling and take a day job that would give us family time. I was very unhappy, tired of bailing him out and being alone much of the time. I was like a single mom, struggling to work and pay the bills, he was never around.
I begged, cried and pleaded with him to change. His solution, have another baby. This just delayed the whole sad process. My counselor suggested an affair. I can tell you now, that was not good advice.
I got good advice way after I made a big mess of my life. IF I had gotten the good advice sooner and just taken out say six months to a year to do the following, then I think things might have resolved more smoothly and with much less drama and heart ache.
The advice was from a man who was a PHD in Psych. He said give your spouse a WRITTEN ultimatum, LISTING EXACTLY what you'd like to see happen. Put very short TIME LIMITS for change and spell out CONSEQUENCES of what will HAPPEN if they don't change. Like you will leave, or seperate or whatever will make you happier.
THEN if they make half hearted attempts or don't meet ALL of your expectations, then FOLLOW through with NO GUILT.
Sadly, after you are out the door is when you are likely to see results, when they see you mean business and are on to a new life. Sad but true. And if you wait too long and or have an affair there is no way you will be willing to go back to them. So if there is some hope in you that things may work out, then try this first.
And while you have given your ultilatum, consider getting counseling for yourself, build a support system, start considering if you are being codependent in looking to them for what you want and need in life.
Start focusing on making the life U want. And let them see u happier.
Start building a seperate life for yourself, socially, financially and Detach yourself emotionally.
This is something about men they usually love u more when u leave.
At this point, most men suddenly get the point and make pathetic attempts at change. After it is way too late.
ps as a product of two divorces, the one that happened earlier in my life (before age 8) was easier than the one that happened later( after age 13).