Birthday Present For My Beautiful Fat Old Ugly Hog Of A Wife?

Question

After 23 years of marriage, you'd think there would be nothing in the world my morbidly obese wife could do to surprise me anymore. You'd say, "Howard, I bet you know just about everything there is to know about that massive woman of yours." But I guess I still have a lot to learn, because yesterday morning my wife, who is quite fat, turns her head to me and says, "They should do a game show hosted by that father from Growing Pains."

Just like that!

I just laughed and thought to myself, "That's my 450-pound wife for you—always full of surprises!" It's times like these, when she catches me off guard with an insightful comment, that I remember why I married her in the first place. My Kate is truly one of the sweetest, fattest, smartest people I know. She's not only my enormous wife—she's my enormous best friend.

And she's funny, too! Whenever we have guests over at the house, watch out, because my unhealthily overweight wife keeps everyone on their toes with her trademark wit! Like three years ago on my birthday, she gave me this card that had an old man on the front with only four teeth in his mouth, and on the inside it said "Happy Four-Teeth-ith Birthday!" Kate was already giggling before I walked over to her couch-bed to grab the card from between her pudgy, bloated sausage-fingers, so of course I knew something was up. Sure enough, another Kate classic! Boy, my dirigible-sized wife sure knows how to make me laugh.

God, I'm so lucky to have such a fat interesting fat wife.

She really is one of a kind, my Kate. Whenever I see her reading books on treating the various skin disorders that result from chronic obesity or just drowning in her own sweat, I can tell the wheels in her head are spinning. She never stops thinking! She's not even a woman anymore, she's just this—this thing I inject insulin into while it consumes stacks of honey-glazed ham like a thresher and says the most adorable things when it isn't wheezing or choking on its own spit and bile.

I love my wife! I love that grotesquely swollen ole' swine so much that I want to get her something she will really enjoy. I want it to be a tubby merry fat jolly birthday (two weeks time).

I thought to my self as I gazed at her gorging on a gigantic chocolate cake - why not go straight to the horses mouth? After all, who knows more about repulsively hideous old hags better then the equally loveable creatures of Y!A. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

what the heck is your question? stop bashing your wife and get up off YOUR fat @SS and go do something healthy for yourself.. ..

Answer 2

There's so many wonderful adventures you can do for your husky fat beau! On her birthday you can start off by playing fun bedroom games like "smell the dead milk from underneath your fat titties" or sprinkle her in corn starch and slap her around!

You could then make your obese fat spouse a wonderful fat back sandwich and feed it to her on her back like a doogong trying to feverishly open up a clam.

The possibilities are indeed endless!

Answer 3

Every time my wife eats a strip of pork bacon i get sick to my stomach. But why am i supposed to tell her cannibalism is illegal in this country, cant someone else since i already lost a finger for pointing it out.

Answer 4

most morbidly obese women are married to fat balding trolls...



a new troff?



or a new passworded lock on the refer>?



maybe divorce papers?



how about a new car with a built in vending machine?

Answer 5

A bikini and thongs for that wench.

Answer 6

Best birthday present you could give your wife...a divorce!!!!

Answer 7

Honey, is that you?