Am I being paranoid over nothing?

Question

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, and together we have a two-year-old son, who's unquestionably the pride of our lives as well as our marriage. During those marital years we never set any boundaries within our marriage about having very close friends--either female or male friends; we've always been each others best friends. But for the past few weeks, now that my wife is taking some online-courses and that she now has a male study partner, I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable about a series of patterns. She's been staying on the phone for up to 5 hours with him, emailing him almost every day, and sending daily text messages to him, although none of these messages seem harmful to our marriage.

I trust she has nothing arbitrary going on with him, besides doing their academic work. Last night I tried to tell her how I feel, and she thinks I’m overreacting and says, "I have to do my homework and he's helping me with them." This is very new to us because we never argue about things like this before. We both have been doing our best to stay faithful to each other. But I just don’t want anything to suddenly pop up and cause me to lose my sweetheart. Your thoughts.

Answer 1

Chaperon them, either you will be proved to be over-reacting or they will slip up and reveal something they didn't want you to see.



I wouldn't give up on your marriage but I wouldn't' give up my suspicions either.



Don't be a douche bag but don't be a door mat either. You have a right to worry, in my opinion. She should be willing to jump through hoops to prove to you and for your marriage that you have nothing to worry about.



Worried myself when my husband went back to university. He was willing to jump through the hoops to prove to me his lab partner was nothing more than his lab partner.





~Pro-Choice Momma; Have had an abortion and I have a 15 month old daughter . I believe in protecting my daughter's choice.



Abortion: There is a Consensus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsSQiazUvgo

Answer 2

Perhaps it is time to have a talk and re-adjust your relationship boundaries. Having close friends of the opposite sex does not work (unless you are Jerry and Elaine and had sex first). For a woman, if you make a mistake with a girlfriend you've had an extra margarita, stopped at Coldstone on the way home and told her about your high school abortion, if you make a mistake with a guy friend you have either ruined your marriage or always have something to hide. Men and women are meant to have sex, it is a natural feeling, so why put yourself in those positions to have those feelings and then tell yourself you are not supposed to feel that way and fight nature...just don't go there. If you hang out in the barbershop long enough you will get a haircut.

Answer 3

The thing that is very important here is that you be included on the phone calls, text messages, and emailing. Can she sit on your lap and do her homework?

Do you have a date night? Do you email her and text her sweet messages? Do you still court her? Do you bring her flowers?

Virtual relationships can be very damaging because it is so easy to cross the line. THey start out innocent enough. But they have something in common (class) they discuss it, intellectually stimulate one another, support each other, encourage one another. Contact is detached and they are free to fantasize what their partner is like....usually free of any kind of bad habitsetc. After all a virtual acquaintence is always there ready to listen o rtalk. You forget they exist so perfectly only in our imagination...its an illusion. The conversations are planned....well thought out, pictures are carefully chosen. You feel special....your partner in real life has faults....is less stimulating etc



So you may be overreacting right now....but I have to tell you I personally know many couples who are now divorced over facebook friends. It started harmlessly. Rarely do they plan to cheat or have feelings for their new friends....it happens.



I say protect the treasured relationship you have by renewing your love and passion for her with her. Trust her but include yourself in their communications. It is less tempting to flirt and tease if your spouse is sitting there beside you.



Your a smart guy....trust your gutt. It wont steer you wrong. There is somethign bothering you deep down or you wouldnt have these feelings. You love her. She loves you. Take this as a wake up call and put some new energy into your partner.

Good luck!

Answer 4

See if you can secretly retrieve some of the messages and emails. If there is ANYTHING not having to do with school and courses, demand she and you get into therapy together. If she refuses, you go alone to a therapist with proof in hand, etc...and say she is doing this so called studying with a man, and having lots of nonstop non-studying conversations. The therapist might tell you what to tell her. If she explodes at what a therapist tells you to say to her, you MUST stay calm, but be prepared to secretly start a divorce proceeding, because she is guilty of deliberately trying to start on online relationship . If there is anything sexual at all on messages, like she looks beautiful, and she values the marriage, she will agree to switch to a female partner for studying. However, I think she is way out of control already. You must take charge, not meanly, but with the guidance of a therapist, p-eferaboly a marriage counselor. Also, if she does any in person study session, make sure to hire a private detective, like the tv show Cheaters. If she is doing arm in arm with the Guy as a minimum, divorce for emotional abuse. II SHE IS KISSING, OR MORE, DIVORCE FOR ADULTRY.



My suggestion is to keep your cool no matter what! It is critical.



You must have some proof, but do not trust her intentions. She is possibly alreadyalready out of control and telling you lies.

Answer 5

No this is where it starts. Especially with women. She's spending all that time talking about "homework". No. I have been her before. You talk about all kinds of things and even if nothing is going on at first attraction begins to take place first in the head and then physically. My husband and I don't have friends of the opposite sex. It's playing with fire. Even though you both may have the best of intentions it it is so easy to fall into that. You can be just friends and pretty soon you let your guard down and then before you know it your attracted. I would be very concerned and of course she's not going to admit it because she doesn't want to stop. If she wants to remain faithful she will keep telling herself it's harmless and nothings going to happen and it may take months but it usually does happen if they are spending that kind of time together. Good Luck

Answer 6

i wuld try not to panic. He sounds like a good guy and I often head out with my mates and stay at their house as i can't get back to my husband from town. Why don't you see if you can't go along one night?? you could even stay in a hotel in town - then you'd get to know his "boys" a bit more and perhaps either relax about the fact their not twats that lead him astray or even do some very innocent checking that every night he's out he DOES go to their house.

Answer 7

I don't believe happily married people cheat. I think you've taken the right steps. You've made her aware...that you're aware of how much time they are spending together. But yet you're being supportive of her and her goals, bravo to you.



At this point that's all you can do. Just stay aware..don't turn a blind eye to it..and don't keep you're feelings to yourself if things bother you. But don't assume the worst and never accuse.



I admire you for loving her enough to care, stay that way...there aren't enough out there like you.

Answer 8

actually, j, you are not being paranoid, but prudent. look, it appears your relationship has evolved to a different set up than the early years. the online courses might have boosted her confidence but at the same time has opened up friendships for her that you are not exactly comfortable with. you do need to be honest with her, and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with how things are. it doesn't mean she can't have friends, but she needs to be sensitive to her husband. talk of unfaithfulness is a bit premature. but protecting your relationship is quite crucial. what are you willing to do? sometimes, admitting to her that you aren't strong enough to accept the situation is the not only necessary, but its the truth. good luck.

Answer 9

Can you overhear the phone calls and does your wife flirt with the guy? Does her homework get done through daily text messages? I'd be concerned and I'd discuss boundaries with your wife.

Answer 10

100% agree with emotionally yours!

Answer 11

She's going to boink him, run while you can