I resent my mother and I'm planning on disappearing without a trace?

Question

I'm currently 21 and I have never been more emotionally confused in my life. My dad left my mother, sister and I when I was 3 and my sister 4. Since then, I can remember my life as a living hell. I remember my mother dating a new guy every six months, and because the guys she dated were not of the descent type to sort of speak, every break up ended up violently (as in literally heads, and broken noses violent), only to move on and bring home an even worse guy the month after. I remember alcohol and seeing my mom wasted with her boyfriends almost every weekend, countless times I told her how much I didn't like seeing her like that and how much it affected me, but she went on and did it anyway every week. I remember her telling me during her drunk sessions as a child, how worthless I was, and how I was not going to accomplish anything in my life.

As soon as I got the chance, when I was 15, I left home and went on to live with my dad. I found living with my dad much more stable and pleasant. I then started working, saved up some money, got student loans, went to college, graduated in Software Engineering and I'm now living 2000 miles away from her with the occasional phone call.

I use my resentment towards her for the awful and violent environment she gave me during my childhood, to justify my urges to completely change phone number, address and completely disappear from her life and live my own without having to find out her latest boyfriend's name or latest break up. Does that make me an awful person?

Answer 1

No, honey, by no means does it make you an awful person. I'm a 25 yr. sober alcoholic. I remember what I put my 3 children thru in my drinking days. How I lived to regret it. They now are all grown adults, I'm made amends with them all a good while back. They all said how happy they are to have their mother back. I went thru some wicked bad guilt for some of the things I also said & did way back when. Of course I since have completely changed my life. Am no longer the person I was way back then. I can well appreciate how you feel. You are doing the rite thing by "detaching" from her. I trust one day she too will realize all she's doing to her own life let alone to yours too. It no doubt wouldn't hurt you to go to some Alanon mtgs. I went to both AA & Alanon with an ex husband also an alcoholic who could not get/stay sober. AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity!!! They are the BEST bunch of folks you could want to meet. I believe it would do you good to look up some mtgs. in your area & GO to them. You'll learn a LOT, it also will help you understand a LOT. Please consider it & DO give it a try. I KNOW you'll like the people, they are the best...I wish you all well, honey...:)

Answer 2

It doesn't make you an awful person, but it does show that you have a lot of unresolved issues that you should really take a good, hard look at. Harboring resentment, cutting family out of your life, etc., just breeds more negativity. This negativity will grow and fester until it defines you and your entire life. What your mother did to you as a child might not have been ideal, but she is also the only mother that you have, and there may come a time when you are able to forgive (not forget) and move on, and you might regret cutting her out of your life completely.



Before making this kind of decision, I would suggest you seek some help from a therapist who can give you a safe place to air your feelings and maybe some good advice as to what to do next. Blood is blood, and like it or not, your mother will always be your mother...you will never have another one. I just caution you to think long and hard about your decision before making it. Also, some therapy will help get your mind in the right place and allow you to start healing some of these wounds on your heart and your soul. You deserve to be happy, and you need to give yourself the gift of a healthy body, mind and soul.

Answer 3

No, you're not awful.



Not all people are cut out to be parents - your mother is most likely one of those people. She seems to have put her own desires and wishes above what was good for you. That was selfish of her. If she's still in the same patterns of abuse and alcohol dependency, and is not making any attempt to fix her life, there's no rule that says you have to stick around for it. People like this are toxic - they bring nothing good to your life, and instead, bring a steady stream of reminders of an unpleasant childhood. You don't need that in your life, least of all from someone that you should be able to depend on as a source of support and love. If it will make you happier, and bring you peace, to remove her from your life, go right on and do it.



If you have siblings, or other family members that are in contact with your mother, let them know what you plan to do. Make it clear to them that although you have tried to love your mother, you cannot forgive the mess she made of your childhood, and for your own mental health, you need to cut off contact with your mother. Request that they not give out your new number, email, or address to her. Should your mother find a way to contact you, simply ignore her calls, voicemails, texts, or emails. Just delete them, and go on with your day.

Answer 4

No it doesn't make you an awful person. But you can't run or hide from your mother. She will always be your mother. Don't run, don't change your number. Change how you relate to her. You don't have to listen to what someone is saying, just hang up the phone. When she changes her approach to one that you can listen to and accept, then listen. Until then, you must let her know repeatedly that you have grown up and moved on with your life and am on a better path. You suggest she follows, but until then you are not interested in her drama. Then hang up the phone.



Hope this helps.

Answer 5

I can relate to you in many ways. I was abused (physically, emotionally and sexually) by my parents and some of my siblings. I choose to build a life for myself that limited my contact with my family. I didn't walk away completely but I did choose when, how, and how much contact I had with them.



It took a lot of years to finally find the happiness I desired. In those years I learned that you will never forget, but you can use those memories to help another person who is struggling. I also learned that you have tp sort through it all, process it and then put it away in the past where it belongs. It will always be a memory, memories, it will always influence you in some way or another, but you can control most of that too.



What I learned most of all is that you need to forgive those who have hurt you. Not so much for them as for yourself. If you allow forgiveness to stay in your heart and mind, that is another day, week, year, and so on, that you give them. The unforgiveness controls you. To take back control of your life and move forward, you must forgive. Than each day forward is your own, you control it.



After I forgave, I look back and feel sorrow for my parents. My dad and his sister when they were 2 and 3 years old were given away by his mother when her BF told her to choose between him and her children. They were raised by step grandparents who reminded them every day that their own mother didn't want them. My mother was raised in a family with a very angry father whom abused them.



My parents didn't have the advantages we have today. People didn't talk about things in their days. I wish my parents had had a better life. They would have gave me a better life. It gets a lot easier when you look at their lives and see what they missed. Your mom has most likely tried to find love and happiness for herself but doesn't know how. In her search she has done all the wrong things and will never find it. In the process, she also did all the wrong things in raising you. It is sad.

Answer 6

Hell no it doesn't make you an awful person. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has a right to be a part of your life. She gave up that privilege a long time ago. Good for you.

Answer 7

It doesnt make you an awful person but it will affect you the rest of your life. You need to forgive your mom so the weight of hate & resentment can be lifted from your shoulders. Nothing wrong with resenting how you were raised but you should never resent anyone for the choices they made for their lives. If you do you should also resent your dad for leaving you in your moms care without his input.

Answer 8

I think to move forward with your life you have to forgive your mom for the mistakes she made, you don't have to speak to her if you don't want to but just let go and stop holding a grudge against her so you can grow as a person!

Answer 9

Seems you've made a good life for yourself. There's no need to "disappear without a trace'! And no you're definitely not an awful person. Be very proud of who you are, and what you've accomplished. No need to keep your thoughts in the past.......CONGRATS, Ya done good! Please enjoy your freedom and the good choices you've made!.....♥♥