Doubts about starting a life with a much older man, what to do?

Question

I am a 25 year old woman currently studying for my Masters at University. Last year before I started the course I worked at a magazine on a 3 month internship. One of the department editors took a bit of a shine to me and when my 3 month was up he took me out to dinner and one thing led to another and we ended up back at his flat where we had the most phenomenal sex. He is much older than myself and turns 51 this year. What I thought would be a bit of fun for him and a learning experience for me has turned out to be much more long lasting.
I had only ever had one serious boyfriend who I was with since high school before I met him and he and his wife (who have 2 boys 19 and 23) of 24 years divorced a couple of years ago . I guess I thought that he would get fed up with me and go after a more sophisticated older woman and that I would eventually move on and find someone my own age. While I admit that it was the wonderful sex that first had me coming back for more I have found myself falling in love with him in a big way. Thing have been moving fast and over Christmas he asked me to move in with him to which I said yes and as part of my Christmas present he is taking me on a Skiing holiday with him at the end of the month and I think he intends to propose to me during the trip.

I do love him and I know he loves me but I have some doubts. He is 25 years older than me which is a big gap and I worry about how I might feel in Ten or 15 years, he is very fit but he is a middle aged man. Also I do want children and even though he has made a few comments about how he needs to keep fit incase he has a son to play football with in the future I'm sure he never intended to have any more children at his age. Also I would rather wait another 5 years or so which would make him a father at 56.

I think if he were even 10 years younger I would jump at the chance and even now I know that I might never meet another man who I love so much but my practical side just keeps chiming with these doubts.

What should I do, should I put the breaks on or just go go for it?

Answer 1

if you don't mind being treated like a girl..... down the road.....





GO FOR IT.





however, sex before marriage..... is a .... MORTAL SIN.

Answer 2

I totally understand where you're coming from; I tend to over Analise things myself and unfortunately the result has been not living in the present but constantly thinking of tomorrow, only tomorrow may never arrive...!



I think that you do not have to end the relationship; Why not let it run its course, or not. If you're not ready for marriage, then that's understandable. You do not have to give him your reasons, but just say that you're not ready just yet for that strong a commitment.

He should know better than making you feel guilty and forcing your hand.

If he does, then you'd have good reasons to break up with him.



Even if it were with someone your age, the right thing to do when asked to commit long term, is to take time to think about whether this is what you want at this stage in your life and if you're ready for it.

If there are any doubts or the answer is no, then no it is.



Try and enjoy today more, like I know I should do myself and also, don't do anything you do not want to just to please someone else, when your future is concerned. Chances are it won't last.



Good luck.x

Answer 3

Thats a really tricky one. I think you should talk to him about it all, especially if you want children you should find out how he feels about having more children and maybe a timeframe for when you would be thinking about having them. It's a bit of a big conversation but it's better to get this out of the way now than to wait until another year down the line when you may be even more emotionally attached. I would try and resolve all these concerens before you go any further and make a decision. You will probably find once you get talking that the has concerns of his own. If after talking things through you feel like you still want to go ahead with things then go for it. Love is a wonderful thing and you should embrace it. However if you want children and he doesnt (as an example) then you may have to call it a day before it goes further - as most poeple that dont want children will not change their mind and hoping they will could just cause you both heartache in the long run.

Good Luck and Enjoy your holiday!

Answer 4

I can really understand your dilemma, because my partner is much older than me.



You really do need to go with your gut instinct. You say that you love him and wouldn't hesitate if he were 10 years younger. But he's not - if you really did love him enough to want to spend the rest of your lives together, these things wouldn't matter.



The practical concerns that you mentioned are obviously very important to you (such as being a young widow).



It's also important to consider the effect on any children of having an older parent. They might get bullied, be unable to play as energetically if they had a younger dad, spend their childhood worrying about his health or end up as carers. On the plus side, he's probably more financially secure, and have time to spend quality time with them.



You mention that when you got together it was a learning experience for you, and thought that he would get fed up with you. Do you worry that you are not good enough for other people and need to accept any love that is shown to you?



Why don't you have a discussion before you go about your goals for the future? What's wrong with waiting a while before moving the relationship forward? Maybe you should set yourself a period of time. If you still have your doubts after this, consider ending this.



Good luck. I know it is a difficult decision to make.

Answer 5

You might want to try being with him for a period of time without sex. Sex creates a bond and makes reasoning more difficult. Check out the booklet below about sex and bonding called Sense and Sexuality. You can read the booklet for free online. If you don't have sex for awhile you'll see the relationship more clearly.



If you do marry this man get over your doubts before the wedding. Have the attitude that you'll be with this man forever. Don't think of divorce as an option even if you meet someone your own age.



My dad's father was older. He died when my dad was 14 years old. Be prepared to deal with more issues as this man becomes older.



Check out the links below about chastity (purity) and marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 6

Wow this is a tough one. It depends how much you love him, can you imagine your life without him in it. It's easy to say age is just a number it depends how you both feel about it.

If you love him with all your heart you could have 25+ years of wonderful, as opposed to 50+ years of ok with someone else. At the end of the day it has to be your decision, I do hope you make the right one, I'm sure you will, good luck, God bless.

Answer 7

It's a tough situation to be in, as you say you will more than likely want kids in the future and he may not. These are things that you need to discuss now. If you break up you might never meet someone else who feels the way he feels about you and you might not find someone you love as much as him and you'll always be wondering "what if" and it would be a shame to waste what you have got.

The best thing you can do is sit down together and talk about all things that you might want in the future and sort it out that way.

Good luck, hope it turns out the way you want.

Answer 8

When I got engaged and then married, I thought my heart would burst with joy. I could not imagine ever being with or wanting anyone else - and I still don't, 25 years later.



The fact that you are not sure what to do is a sign that you should not marry this man. if you really really loved him you would do anything to be with him, forever. If forever was 5 years, 10 years or longer I personally would want to be with my man for as long as is humanly possible and if it was shorter then it would be a time never to be forgotten and appreciated.



Move on with your life. They'll be someone else out there for you, I'm sure.

Answer 9

Anytime you are trying to talk yourself out of a marriage then you should listen. It is hard enough to make a marriage work with out going into to it with those kinds of reservations and prenuptial regrets. And to talk about making him a father when he is the proper age for a grandfather is just the wrong thing to do your children. By the time your son or daughter enters high school this man may be a old cuss with crusty ideas and poor health. Get your head out of the bedroom and think about having a good man who can help you raise your planned for children.

Answer 10

This is high risk - your social environment is totally different from his, all his friends are in his age group. This will cause strain and awkward feelings. And, as you said correctly, when he gets older you'll be in your prime. Also, let's say you have kids in 5 years time, they will be in school when he is in his 60ties, more like a grandfather. There are guys your age who are good at sex and considerate and loving. Having said all this, it's still your call and nobody can take the decision for you.

Answer 11

Personally i think love conquers all, forget age gaps, if you're both happy that doesn't even come into the equation. With regards to children, i would just see where life takes you. Maybe you weren't meant to have children. Maybe you will adopt/foster.



As long as your happy together, everything else will fall into place.

Answer 12

Oh definitly believe your daughter, I have a 4 year old too and they really aren't at the "lying" stage yet. And if she is telling you the same story each time then thats a huge sign she is telling the truth. Of course your wife and the other guy are going to deny it. Be smart.. it happened.. sadly.

Answer 13

You've never mentioned that you love him. Although age as they say it's just a "number", I would not move in with him yet. Finish your Master and go from there. Stay with him on the weekends and go from there. It's been only one year and if you give up your apartment so quick, what if things don't turn out to be so good after all ?

I would wait - period.

Answer 14

I think you are looking at this entirely from your point of view as to what's in it for you and maybe you should try looking at it from his. Because that's where this gets interesting. What does a 50 year old man want with a 25 year old woman? Why would a 50 year old want a baby?



I think he has major issues. I would run.



Added: Okay, you've mentioned love. But you have mentioned sex more. A man of this age who knows you find sex pleasurable might possibly start to feel insecure about his ability to keep you satisfied, especially if he actually cares about you. And I think he's insecure to begin with and needs to prove his manhood by having a much younger woman by his side.

Answer 15

You should really follow to what your heart says. To what it looks like your heart is saying that you love him so you should marry him. If you dont want children and he does just tell him im sure he'll understand. Theres always and option of adopting. I highly doubt that he'll fall in love with somone his age because he'll have someone so young and beautiful which will make him feel young again.

Answer 16

Take it slow...don't rush a marriage...Sometimes the beginning can seem so great but then you rush it and it all falls apart. Also voice your concerns to him, ask him if he wants more children and ask him about marriage, etc...Also, don't let the age difference stop you. If you can't look pass it, get out of it but if you love him despite of it, then make it work.

Answer 17

nothing to think much

i have undergone such condition

i am 26 and my hubby is 56

we had married 4 years back and now i am a mother of 1 child

Answer 18

Couldn't you have just said I fucked a old fart and lame me thinks it's more then just that! Thats ultimately what you did you just cleaned it up. Still really your decision. Keep ******* him for free or marry oldie.

Answer 19

That you have doubts and are asking the question tells me that you know the answer.

Answer 20

if its love go for it .. but if its just the sex then give it a miss girl..

Answer 21

Thinking pragmatically you'll be a widow before your 50

Answer 22

dont marry the guy unless hes rich... older guys can give u gud finanshel security.... lots better than yunger guys... cuz they earn more an theyve been saving there mony all there lifes... an the best thing is hell probly die soon... so ull get all his mony an home an car... an all his insurense to... if u marry him make sure u get lots of life insurense on him... an if u cant have kids with him so wat... hell be dead soon an ull still be yung enuf to find a new guy to give u kids...

Answer 23

If you want to die alone and childless, go for it.

Answer 24

I wouldn't do it. You are supposed to grow old with someone, not watch them grow old. He is way too old for you.

Answer 25

go for it you coward, you may never meet such a nice man again and he is not old, just a bit older.