Question:
I caught my husband calling prostitutes - what should I do?
2013-12-29 08:25:19 UTC
I recently caught my husband calling prostitutes at one in the morning, just before Christmas, by viewing our family phone records. He received return phone calls from the prostitute phone numbers, and withdrew $100 cash from our joint checking account. He says that it was a joke, and his friend was in on it. I called the friend, and he was not involved, and felt what my husband did was wrong. My husband and I do not live together, due to work, but we do see each other once a week. I recently lost my job, and all of the financial responsibilities and stress have fallen on my husbands shoulders. Over the course of our two year marriage, my husband has worked seven months and I have worked nineteen months (I received unemployment for three months in 2012, and have been recently unemployed for two months with no unemployment b/c I'm a contractor). My husband had the nerve to say that I should be looking for a job and not our family phone records. I do not usually view our family phone records, but I became suspicious when my husband started to turn his phone off after work, only talking to me during the day when he was working. We are under a lot of financial stress, because my husband is not the primary breadwinner and struggles to support our family. While I understand the stress our family is under, I feel adultery is not acceptable, and lying about it is even worse. Without going into the details, I found out early in our marriage that my husband was not into monogamy. This is, sadly, not the first time he has attempted to solicit sex with a woman other than his wife. During our marriage, I contracted an STD that can only be transmitted sexually - and I have been faithful to my husband. My doctor even suggested it was proof of adultery, and suggested I speak with my husband. I did, and he denied going outside our marriage - but the proof was there. There has been an excessive amount of emotional and physical abuse in our marriage, which I believe results in my husbands frustration in not being able to be the sole provider, and live a life that is grander than our current situation. He is a foreign born trust fund child, and it is true that I cannot provide the life he is used to living - although I have financed a car, electronics and furniture to try and make him happy. I feel like his betrayal before Christmas, and his lack of interest in celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with me, shows that he is either checked out, or checking out of our marriage. I have not given him cause to cheat (we are intimate when he is home), and I feel that power and control are behind his actions, due to the verbal and physical abuse. My family is begging me to leave him, and I even packed my bags - but he begged me to stay. I am religious, and I love my husband despite his faults. However, I wonder if I am being blinded by love and manipulated, because my husband's legal status in the U.S. is attached to our marriage. Early in our marriage, his ex-girlfriend alleged that he stole money from her, that my husband contacted her during our marriage (when I was unemployed), and attempted to pay her for legal status in the U.S. by marriage. I considered the source (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), but now I wonder. When I financed a new car for my husband, he did not want me on the car title and made a huge deal about. Additionally, he wanted to be on the title of the car I purchased before our marriage, after I would not relent on being an owner on the new car title. This is my first time posting for help, and I sincerely need it. What should I do? Thank you for your help and God Bless!
Eight answers:
?
2013-12-29 08:31:22 UTC
You said you wonder if you are being manipulated and blinded by love, and its obvious that this is the case. You are intelligent and articulate, and if anyone else told you what you've described, you'd shout loud and clear that you are being royally lied to and used.



Do NOT have children with this man. You have only been married for two years, but you have already had two hundred years' worth of lying, deceit and cheating.

If you stay for more, you would be a fool. Learn from this, get out now and don't look back.
2013-12-29 12:14:29 UTC
I feel so sad for you, what an awful predicament! I too am married to a foreigner, albeit for 15 years but I understand the stress it can cause both parties. No matter how loving my husband is I still can't help but have doubts during my less secure moments-in the end I always find I am being irrational because my heart knows we are in love. I don't think your heart is telling you this-it sounds like your mind is telling you to stay which is honorable because marriage is sacred but there are rare instances when people should cut their losses and....RUN! I think this might be one of them, of course I don't know you and I've only heard your side of the story still...It really sounds like he's a jerk with a capital J!!! One thing I noticed in your post is all this talk about money but with the issue at hand my opinion is money shouldn't even enter the picture-remember the saying something like "true love will keep you warm"? The good news is your marriage is newer so it won't be as terrible if you LEAVE now as opposed to later-you are presumably young and you are worth it-there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with a loving, responsible, intelligent, kind woman such as yourself so don't let self doubt hold you back. Your religion, family and friends will be there through the ups and downs until it gets easier! He is going to beg you to stay I guarantee it but don't forget the way you felt when you saw those phone records-I agree the lying is the most detestable part! Now I could be completely wrong and I'm sure he loves you in his own way but that doesn't make it right. Perhaps a trial separation could help you guys work things out? One thing is for sure-this guy needs help and he's not going to get better if things stay as they are! Good luck sweetie-I hope things work out for the both of you -even if I do want to kick him in the ba**s!!!



PS: As Dr. Stephanie points out DON'T GET PREGNANT-that's the last thing you guys need right now-also you don't sound like the type but don't listen to other posters-it's not ok to get vengeful and try to "get him deported"- such advice is careless and small minded.
2013-12-29 14:20:36 UTC
No, don't love him despite his faults. He is a con artist and a LIAR, a CHEATER, and even religiously this is grounds for divorce. What do you expect, that he will spontaneously combust into a good man? Financial stress does not mean he can solicit prostitutes. He has broken the law, lied to you and lied about his friend, and done just about the nastiest thing he could possibly do. He has exposed (or will expose) you to STDs and has officially broken your trust. This is why your family is beginning y ou to leave him and I suggest listening to them. Judging by the way he has responded telling you to look for a job and not the records suggests he is not truly remorseful and will find a way to shift the blame on you. And he will most definitely continue this behavior, this is not a one time thing.
?
2016-03-08 13:06:17 UTC
If I were in your situation I don't think this would be an easy thing to get past. The trust is ruined, it will take a very long time for you to ever feel you can trust him again. This is going to be difficult no matter what you choose to do. You have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth the work it is going to take to repair it. You honestly don't sound convinced that he will stop this behavior, I don't think I could continue a relationship after that kind of betrayal.
???
2013-12-29 08:42:06 UTC
Sometimes, people marry Americans for legal status and they live as single people to everyone but their spouse. The fact that he didn't want you on the car titles, that you live apart, that he's giving you STDs and visiting prostitutes - as well as how he treated his ex-girlfriend - make him seem like that kind of person.



He's using you and only invests enough attention in you to keep you pacified. DUMP HIM. This isn't a real marriage, and it isn't healthy for you. I would talk to immigration and give them the info for his ex if you still have it. Your testamonies together might be enough to get him out of the country and prevent him from doing this to someone else.



Good luck.
?
2013-12-29 11:37:10 UTC
If what you say is true, there are better men out there who are getting out from enduring similar non-sense.



Since one hears only your side of the story One last ditch effort, See if you can get him, yourself to seek a marital counsellor who will to talk to both and advise need to be given to both sides. Cheating is often a symptom of a relationship deficiency, but then what you describe is more closet to a character flaw.



But if it is a character flaw, yes, save yourself, divorce is your best option.
?
2013-12-29 09:14:31 UTC
Honestly sounds like he used you. I can't help but ask why do you want to be with someone that truly showed you the real him. That's like a blessing . Some of us don't get the real person until years later. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You do t have to be abused get out!!! There is no counseling for this it's just time to get out
lee
2013-12-29 08:40:11 UTC
Move on


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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