Once shame on you but twice shame on me?

Question

I have been married for three years and we lived together five in all. In our second year together I caught my now husband looking at porn behind my back. After a long confrontation and many nights of arguing I got him to understand my side of the whole situation. I said either it or me. I understand that most of society doesn't see a problem with it but for me personally I find it to be a third, fourth, or fifth woman in my relationship. He said he would stop and three years passed. Presently I have found sites with embedded, encoded, redirected, and basically hidden porn sites, innuendos, or videos on cached pages in our computer. He adamantly denies it and because I am not the smartest with computers I cannot pinpoint an exact answer. He claims he has been key-logged or even hacked. We are on a wireless router but............... I have found hundreds. He has said no them belonging to him for the last 4 months daily. So lost. Want to believe but also don't want to be the fool twice. I am already untrustworthy so not sure if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He also is being deployed for 5 months with the Air Force and this just adds more to my dilemma. He says he is not allowed to access overseas but I have seen portals. OF COURSE! None leads to a definitive answer but there is past history and some leads to his facebook, yahoo, or gmail. He claims there not his and maybe it's because he stays logged into the sites so of course it would be under his name. So confused. Need a fresh view.

Answer 1

obviously he has a porn addiction problem.... hes in denial, lying to your face and you have to go with your gut. Porn is a problem, society is retarded for sitting back thinking its okay. Most of those people are on drugs.... there is no human compassion or caring, its just wired people using one anothers body for entertainment and lots of faking..... it gives a very unrealistic view of sex and sexuality in the real world.... it destroys peoples ability to be honestly intimate.... they start believing that what they see in porn is the best sex... when its not even real! Many marriages and relationships have succumbed to the porn problem....... but it sells... sex sells.... so there will always be a push for societal acceptance.... i dont blame you for your thoughts, your obviously a grounded person who doesnt want that filth if her home.... and if he is going to lie about it.... hide it like an alcoholic hides booze..... then you have a few choices here... you can live with it..... you can demand he stop and make him get help.... or you can walk away from the big headache and move on in life...... honestly if it were me.... either he gets his addiction looked after or he loses me... end of story...... there wouldnt be negotiating......he knows my feelings on porn, he would be crazy to ever watch it in this home..... he would be one single man real fast... anyway good luck, sorry your going through this :(

Answer 2

I very much agree with that saying. I feel ashamed if I'm fooled more than once by the same person in the same kind of situation. To be honest I feel ashamed if I'm fooled the first time round. I don't particularly want to feel ashamed by it, but I do. If I can't learn from mistakes then I don't know what good I am at all. That's not to say that the person doing the fooling shouldn't be shamed the first or second time round either, but that's really their problem and no matter how much I curse them for it they're probably not going to stop until they decide to. I think we should always look out for ourselves first and take responsibility, even if the other person is the one who is hurting us first. Otherwise we'll just keep ending up getting fooled... Pisces Sun, Gemini Moon, Aquarius Mercury

Answer 3

OK...you need to take a serious, unflinching look at your sex life with your husband. Is it satisfying for both of you? Do you have sex often? Do you often turn away from him when he wants to have sex. Do you deny him special requests like dressing up in sexy lingerie or doing things that might be considered daring? If so, then his looking at porn is just a release for him because he is not getting his needs met. This is far preferable than him hooking up with escort girls or strippers or the predatory secretary with the hot pants at the job. Maybe you need to put a little more effort into your sex life so he doesn't need to look at porn.



Now, if he is looking at porn ALL the time and doesn't come to bed because he is too busy pleasuring himself at the internet and does not have any interest in pleasing you, this sounds like a porn addiction. That is an issue for therapy.



Try to look at the situation rationally and ask yourself all the questions I wrote above. Also, realize that men are VISUAL creatures; they enjoy looking at sexy pictures and videos. It doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem. Why do you think they publish Playboy, Hustler, and all the other porn mag?. There is a market, and not everyone is a perv who looks at these. A lot of times, they imagine themselves doing the things they are watching with you! Good luck and I hope you can get to the bottom of this and not feel threatened by it.

Answer 4

"He claims they're not his and maybe it's because..."



He is gonna throw a whole lot of maybes at ya so you can take your pick which one sounds plausible enough to believe. Whichever one makes you pause to think over, he will jump on and elaborate. He's bamboozling you.

Of course he is lying. The reason why he is lying is because he KNOWS he broke his promise to you. He decided his need for porn was greater than his promise, so he went behind your back and did it.



It is just so ridiculous that you are even buying into it. It reminds me of what wives do when faced with evidence of their husband's cheating... they will begin to entertain any and ALL excuses and they dissect the Possibility of each one ... for example, if the wife finds a text on her husbands phone that says, "Sex was GREAT last night :D " the husband may say someone sent it to him by mistake! If she then finds two movie ticket stubs in his pocket for the Wednesday matinee, he will assure her he accidentally paid for 2 tickets. If she finds a condom in his other pocket, with two missing out of a box of three, he will say, without blinking an eye, that he's holding them for his friend.



You may not believe it, but all these examples have actually been asked on these boards... so... I know you are too close to the wood to see the forest, but honestly if you step back and look at the Big Picture, what do you think is the truth?

Answer 5

OMG why is it always an ultimatum with women? and then wonder why ur hubbies have indifference towards you - I know porn is not ideal and can be addictive - but porn or me :u decide? u really think that that wouild yield a positive result ?? ha! me and my co worker were talkin about that last night - her friend broke up with her bf cuz he liked anime and she asked him to choose between anime or her and he wouldn't stop anime .....so she bounced - so stupid .....insecurity is the key here - u think that he think those chicks on the porn looks better but he doesn't think that - its eroticism or a way to get in the mood because truth be told 90% of women DO NOT KNOW WHAT MEN FIND SEXY.....most women do what WOMEN THINK IS SEXY we go along with it cuz we love u - but u then take away what we like or what helps us .....he shouldn't feel like he has to hide something in his home - u oughta be secure enuff to watch with him and ask does he wana try some of that stuff rather than wail and moan and deliver ultimatums - ask urself honestly which would go over better?

Answer 6

I am with you, and find a man who would rather watch porn than be with his wife to be a huge issue. You can check the history on the computer to see the sites that he has been visiting if you are quite unsure what to believe at this point.

Answer 7

So he is being deployed for 5 months and you expect him to not batt off to a nudie pic? grow up.



in any event if you want him to stop looking at porn, f*ck him more and be adventurous in bed..

And stop snooping, spying and checking on him on Facebook, yahoo, you are behaving like a crazy person.



p.s you are acting like his mother not his wife, bonking your nagging mother is NOT appealing.



I feel sorry for him you must be a nightmare to be married to.

Answer 8

I feel sorry for you. You are confused because you really want to believe him. 1. He has admitted he 'did'. 2. There have been arguments about it. He "learned" that you will not accept it so he HAS to lie! While YOU thought the two of you were really 'hashing it out' so to speak, what was really happening was he was "testing" to see if he could get his way. He found out he can't, so he has to lie to continue. To me, it seems that the importance of relationship has been LOST to the enjoyment of unnecessary fantasy.

Answer 9

Here is Guy Rule Number One: Deny,deny,deny til the day you die.



Here is Guy Rule Number Two: When caught red handed blame anyone,or anything, else. NEVER admit guilt. Never.



Now,what do you think about what he's doing?

Answer 10

Wait'll he gets out of your eye sight. He'll do all sorts of things behind your back and lie to you about it. Send him packing now.

Answer 11

Seriously you need to try findhisporn.com and show him the report if he doesn't believe you.