Ongoing debate with husband, tell me what you think. . . .?

Question

About 6 months ago my husband and I started talking about what we want to happen when we die. I want to be buried together Because my husband is a "Gator" Navy veteran (Gulf War I and Southern Watch Combat vet) I knew he would get full military honors and we would be buried in military section with military headstone. However he sprung it on me that he wants to be buried at sea. During his service days he participated in approximately 5 burials at sea. He points out I would also be able to be buried at sea by the Navy as well. He does not want to be cremated so his coffin will become part of a reef and he wants his service flag sent to the ship so it will be flown during burial. While it is difficult and expensive for civilians to be buried at sea the Navy does it for their own for free.

I have a few problems with this: First we won't be together even if I do chose sea burial we will be in the same area but not "together". Second since he will be put on a ship that is on deployment and it could take days to get to the spot. I and our family members are not allowed to be there for the actual burial service. Finally there is no place for the surviving spouse or our family to visit.

So is it wrong or selfish of me to feel this way? How are you and your spouse handling final arrangements? What would you want?

Answer 1

I told my wife the same thing, I am former Navy and I will be buried at sea. With the exception that my ashes will be poured into the sea. I did many burials at sea when I was in, and that is the way I want to be remembered. My wife didn't really like the idea, but to me that is where I belong.

Answer 2

Great question, very interesting.



Your concerns are valid, but so are his wishes. My suggestion would be to close your eyes and imagine a burial for yourself that would most validate who you are as a person. Although you see yourself as a loyal mate to your husband, and rightly so, this may need to be an opportunity for you to think about something special for yourself. How about a cremation, with ashes scattered on a scenic viewpoint on the coast of the ocean where your husband will be?



I can see why you don't want to be in a grave somewhere alone... but there must be an interesting other place that will make you happy.



Perhaps if your husband sees that you are not afraid to pursue your own wishes, that he would even reconsider and be buried together at the military cemetary. His decision isn't final yet... it's not over until it's over.

Answer 3

I really don't care about "being together" after we are dead. Sure, if that's how it works out, fine, but it really doesn't matter at that point. We aren't in the same coffin, we can't "see" each other...we are in separate boxes surrounded by dirt.



That said, the funeral arrangements and having a "place" to visit have some validity. Depends on how you view death, I guess. If you are buried at sea, then the beach, in general, could be a place to visit. We have in our mind that we have to be right where the body is, within a few feet, to visit. But why is that? Otherwise the dead person can't hear us? We won't "feel" close enough? That is fine, but completely illogical.

Answer 4

Why do you assume he will die first? How about you get cremated and buried with him at sea? Otherwise, it does seem silly to think that way, I know many who have gone out to sea. It isn't all that bad picking any beautiful spot next to the ocean to have a visit. The fact is the guy is dead, whether he is in the ocean, the ground or on your fireplace mantle, the part of him that has any meaning left at all, is what is left in your heart and your memories, not in the coffin or urn. He wants to be buried like the soldier he was, he has earned it, it is your way of honoring him.

Answer 5

What a great way to rid your earthly skins. I believe that our bodies are just a transient part of our existance on Earth, at this time. Whatever you believe in God, afterlife etc. is up to you. If it was me, why not go with his wishes and yours. I believe our energy is transferred back to where it is mean't to be in the grand scheme of things. Whether your body is cremated, buried, or left at sea, the energy of your physical shell will be transformed when it is broken down to its natural elements. Energy cannot be created or destroyed only changed into a different form. The spiritual part is up to you, such as where does your "soul" or essence go? That is where your religion or beliefs kick in. As for where can your family visit? If you are cremated, sprinkle some of your ashes with him (the same area) and some of your ashes where your family can visit. Just figure out how to have a memory of him, along with your remains as well. Perhaps a special item of his that represents something important to you as a couple. Two places for visitation would be uplifting to those grieving. A view from land (perhaps a small plaque there) of the sea where you both are, and a spot on land where you both could share.



I don't think it is selfish or wrong at all. As to my Wife and my final arrangements......I will go with whatever she wishes. My "shell" served me well, but my spirit or "soul" will go wherever it is mean't to, either within this earthly plane or as Buzz Lightyear said "to infinity and beyond".

Answer 6

First, you have to consider that you wouldn't be 'together' until the remaining spouse died. The one left behind would have to go on with life. In doing so, there is no guarantee that the surviving spouse wouldn't remarry. In that case, final wishes may change.



If it bothers you that much, perhaps you could find a comfortable compromise. Ask your husband if he'd consider cremation, so that you could take some of his ashes to be interred (buried) in a cemetery or mausoleum so that you could be put next to him, and have a place to go when you wanted to feel close to him. That way, you could be next to him at your death. And, if you were to remarry, there would be a space on the other side of you for your new spouse as well. With cremation, he could still be buried at sea, and you could still be together' after death.



Also, you could put a few of his ashes in one of those tiny glass vials that you wear on a chain. That way, you could have him 'with' you forever.







My husband was married before we met. His wife became ill and died. She was buried in their family cemetery, with a double headstone. So, when he dies, I am to place him next to her. There is no room for me on the other side, as someone already owns that plot. We discussed this prior to getting married, and agreed that he would be next his first wife. I will be buried in the cemetery with my own family. The point is, it doesn't really matter after death if you are together or not. You won't know either way, and it is better to know that you did one final thing for him that made him happy. I would much rather know that I did what he wanted in life than worry about being with him after death.



Also, you can have a few of his ashes put in a glass vial that you could wear on a chain so that you could have him 'with' you forever.

Answer 7

You guys will be together in the afterlife, so what does it matter if you are buried together? Honoring the deceased's final wishes is good karma, so I'd not make too big a deal out of it. Really, you have years and years before you probably have to worry about it anyway, and he may have changed his mind by then.

Answer 8

The dead live in ur heart and no whr else.U want to c him make a place whr u go to visit when u miss him. Like a room full of things he did in his life and pictures medals. celebrate his life and whr he is buried and dead. Many religions cremate the dead and throw the ashes in water.Does tht mean the memories r gone? Its his wish to die as he lived. Respect it.

Answer 9

If I were in your shoes, I would respect your husband's wishes b/c that's what will set him at peace. I would ask if it be okay for you to have a memorial stone in the place you want to be buried to have his information on it of his birth/death along with yours and maybe have his wedding band left with you so when you die you have a piece of him to keep with you... or something of significance to be buried with you... that way you have a place to mourn/visit him and you will have his token of love buried with you... just a thought.

Answer 10

You'll be DEAD. You won't know!



Plus burial at sea is the best option, if you were buried alive by some fluke you can simply swim up to the surface again.

Answer 11

May be he is trying to convey he wants to be away from and your family forever, or just being difficult because some older people become aggressive with old age. You will be together in Heaven, if the love is real, so who cares? I think every person has the right to choose their own will, without ANY external influence.

Answer 12

the only person's after-life arrangements i have control over are my own. so, what my husband or others want for themselves are personal choices which i have to accept.



after we are dead, all that remains after a while is our skeleton. what we refer to as our "spirit" (for those who believe in after-life) has nothing to do with the shell we leave behind. so, for me, an elaborate burial place isn't necessary, because it's not like we stick around it for eternity after death.



the best way to "visit" someone after they have died, is to replay thoughts of their memory. the dead truly don't care if we visit their grave site or not.

Answer 13

First of all, once you and your husband die, the bodies aren't "you". Basically it is a hundred or so pounds of meat. Secondly, who cares about the cost of things? You will be dead when this happens. If you want to be a total b*tch, and he dies first, then do what you want with his body, so you can be happy. In the end, you will be dead, and does it really matter if you fertilize the lawn at Arlington or feed some fish on a reef?

Answer 14

We don't argue over such things. It could all change tomorrow and you both die in a plane crash. Being together in the ground should not be a focus of your energy. As long as you are together in the afterlife I'm sure all will be well.

Answer 15

Best to use www.NewEnglandBurialsAtSea.com

They offer full body sea burial sources nation wide as well as ash scatterings

Answer 16

So do both.

Let him be buried at sea and setup a tombstone or mausoleum as grave to visit.

Answer 17

Your husband is a complete idiot

Build him a mausoleum or a pyramid and *** zasun him an American flag

Answer 18

cant you get him one of them mausoleum placeholders to visit?