Husband won't accept any apology and threatening to leave ... how to respond?

Question

This isn't all that new but every time my husband is even the slightest perturbed at me he gets very angry and more or less flies into a rage. He will yell and scream at the top of his lungs call me swear words and names and tell me I'm stupid. He will tell me how terrible it is to be married to me and that I am always at fault and to blame. He makes it seem like I am a retard he is putting up with time and time again. He will also say I'm making him need to leave as he cannot be around people like me! He says he is leaving as I don't love him or care about him.

I think I am intelligent attractive mellow warm patient tolerant loyal and caring . I do not react to his tantrums like I used to. I used to get upset or cry or beg or believe all that he had to say. I have come to realize I think he has severe rage issues and is very manipulative. I think he learned all of this from his bipolar mother whom he was taken away from as a child and no longer speaks to her. He has conflict with many people in his life mostly relatives and siblings . He does not speak to most of them stating they hurt him, aren't good for him and he needs to have them out of his life.

He says he loves his life but it's being married to me that is his downfall. Around people he is very careful to present as happy, entertaining and always seems "on".

So today I told him I needed an hour on computer for work related things and that I would spend time with him once I was done. Then he just became passive aggressive and soon was trying to blame me or get mad at me for any little thing. He proceeded to scream and tell at me for an hour! He stormed off to work slamming the door. Now he will mad for several days at me.

I used to refuse to listen or point out his yelling . Now I calmly sit and listen to him. I never say too much. I always agree with him and how terrible he must feel. I do this to avoid an escalated conflict. If I appear like I am not listening to him intently he will start coming at me in a threatening way or start to throw things around. Before I would allow this drama to propel me into crisis . Now I simply carry on once he leaves for work and hope in a few days he will calm down.

No matter what I say or do when he is angry nothing helps. I say I love you and he says no you don't. I say I am sorry he says no you are not. There seems to be no good in defending myself or debating him as there is no winning with him. I agree with whatever he says in order to decrease the aggression and conflict.

My question is: yes I know this is not right and I should leave him. For now I choose to stay. Does anyone see a more effective way? When he is yelling you cannot get a word in edgewise and if I walked away from him while he is like this he would escalate even further and I would fear violence.

I can say you are right I'm sorry or I can say shut up or what about you.. The point is why won't he forgive me for days? How can someone react like this to seemingly simple things? I know he can control it as he can be in mid scream and then suddenly change his voice to calm and quiet. His tactics are very skilled. I know there is no winning. He expects me to never make any mistakes!

Any input would be appreciated, at times I feel like reaching out to the yahoo community and getting opinions and perspectives to be quite helpful!

Answer 1

Anger like this stems from past experiences, and mental instabilities.



You do not need to submit to him, and you need to make sure that you tell him how you feel. Not how you think he wants you to feel. Do not get aggressive, and do not fear to call the police if he gets physical with you, or your property.



It is imperative that you do not cave to him, and that you stick with this one method. If you switch, it will make it harder to get resolve which he clearly needs. You remaining calm, and not reacting emotionally to his outbreaks, not bringing them up later on will help him in getting over his insecurities.



My wife of 8 years is bi-polar, and we are in a good spot, I made the same decision as you, to stick it out and is paying off for me now. It took 2 years of me standing my ground, and not being aggressive about it for her to make the decision she wanted to see a psychiatrist on her own. We have small relapses time to time, but she would follow me to the grave now that she is able to look back on it and realize for herself that was she was doing was wrong.



Comes down to how much you love the person. It's a long and lonely road a wise band that wasn't that great once said ;)

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I am not proud of it but I can honestly say that I used to have some anger issues in my relationship. Nowhere near what you have described, but some. My biggest problem was that I wasn't thinking at all about the feelings of my wife or how I was effecting her. I was expecting her to change all her actions and even just herself as a person and never gave any effort to change myself. I noticed that when I changed the way I thought about things and thought about how my reaction will effect my wife, I was able to talk about and solve problems in a 100% more positive way. Anyway....it seems like the only way this will get better for you and your husband is if he realizes that what he is doing is hurting your relationship. If he truly doesn't care that he is hurting your guys' relationship and more importantly that he's hurting you, then things may stay the way they are. I hope you are happy soon with whatever decision you make.

Answer 3

For this, you would benefit from counseling. Even if you don't go to church, you can make an appointment with a minister or priest, requesting fifteen minutes of time. Briefly describe your situation (for no longer than it would take to read your post, for example) and ask where you could find counseling at a low cost.



You'll probably get a bunch of suggestions from people here on the Yahoo! answers board. I feel that your situation is rather bizarre, so you need to talk to someone who has encountered similar situations before now. Some of them will point out warning signals that things could escalate.



If it were me, I might consider ceasing to do some little task where he has berated me for doing it wrong. "You'd better do it from now on. I can't seem to do it to your satisfaction." But I'm not you, and I have no idea how he'd react.

Answer 4

You guys would benefit from marriage counseling.... your current method of dealing with him seems condescending and you want to place 100% of the blame for your issues on him. Since I'm not there to make a judgment I obviously can't say for sure but it is rarely 100% anyone's fault. I don't see any way for this to work unless you get outside help.

Answer 5

Your husband sounds like he's got serious anger issues. He should be apologizing to you, not the other way around. Tell him straight up if he can't speak to you with respect and if he thinks you've ruined his life so badly, he's free to end the marriage You'd certainly be better off!

Answer 6

The next time he starts his tizzy, YOU walk out. If he contacts you, tell him he doesn't love you and you can't tolerate his childish behavior any longer. Be prepared to stay away until he does something constructive to repair his behavior. Marriage counselor, trial separation, civilized conversation. He is highly manipulative but I think if you call his bluff and take control of this situation, you might get his attention. If he refuses anything constructive, the ball is in your court and perhaps you may have to seek divorce. I couldn't live like you've been living. It seems you have nothing to lose. Best of luck to you sweetie.

Answer 7

there re other families like yours. my childhood friend and her husband for instance - he would yell at her and she will just sit there and cry later. they have been together for more than 25 years and are not going to divorce. so what can i tell ya - u re not the only one, if u don't want to leave prepare for living in this. why would people want to live like this is beyond me, but one thing - this is not going to change. her husband even tried medication. it gave him side effects so as soon as he stops he is back to his old self. and if he is threatening to leave - let his leave already. i am sure he is just trying to manipulate u into more submission

Answer 8

The guy has serious issues. You'd do well to get away for awhile until he gets control over himself...which he may never do.

Answer 9

Roy, consult a divorce lawyer since this is going to go down either way. You need to protect assets and figure out finances.



I would also consult with your local domestic violence social agency to find out how to get out without an instance of domestic violence.

Answer 10

Tell me again why you're staying with this petulant toddler?

Answer 11

Well there are obviously things he’s hiding as far as his feelings go that he is replacing with anger. One thing you’re doing is allowing yourself to think you’re seeing what’s happening from only the outside without looking deeper. He doesn’t even have to participate for you to dig deeper. Find out if he’s gotten you both in to some OTHER kind of trouble. If he’s had an affair & she’s pregnant? If he’s been gambling or putting you in debt, maybe taken out the equity from your home having forged your signature & knows you’re GOING to find out but if he beats you to being angry, then he’s keeping you in line & it’s sort of a mechanism to hide what’s really been happening. Search your memory to try to pinpoint when his behavior really escalated. If yes, there's likely more you aren't seeing. I want to say he’s just doing what he was taught, but I swear, something is telling me there’s a real reason behind it.



If he’s always controlling you with this anger, you will always be thinking in your mind, how to not make things worse. This keeps you in line. It’s time honey, for you to play detective. If he’s gone awhile, you need to start looking through all of your credit cards, bank accounts, etc. The best thing to do is gather up all personal info they would ask for you to run a full credit check on him. First run one on yourself, jot down the questions, then be sure to have those answers for his too, when you run in to a few that you don’t know, ask him or find a way to ask him without him getting suspicious, you probably have all his info. somewhere around the house. Run a background check on him, maybe he was arrested for something he’s not told you about not long ago. Find a way to pay without it being on a credit card so he won’t later discover you were digging, in the event you find nothing, you don’t want things left behind he’ll discover at some point. It's free & I'd do all 3 in 1 - https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action



Once you run a background check, you should be able to take some of this info to also run a credit check, this will shorten a LOT of the work for you. If he has another address he's been using you will see it there. Things you wouldn’t find looking in say his wallet that he could have special hiding places for. Once you see the report, you might just find out why he’s acting so ticked off without revealing the whole truth. I think once you discover what’s behind what he’s not telling you, YOU might have a VERY good reason to be pissed off yourself. I pray it’s not too big but he wouldn’t be so hot unless it was big. Gather some cash, you might need to rent (or borrow) a car, wear a wig or hat with all your hair pulled back with ugly glasses & follow him, be detective for about a month if you can. You need to see what’s going on. See how much a tracker costs for his car, although if you put an app on his phone, they do have these that also track where he is at all times as well as forward messages to you that is hidden. You can view on a laptop where he is with the phone tracker app that’s hidden. GET ONE & find out how to install it on his phone & DO SO. You might also buy one of those sim card duplicators/copiers. If you took out the sim on his phone & copied it, once he's gone to work, you can slip it in another phone & see everything on it that he could be hiding. Find out what he’s up to. You need to look through the computer too, there is a key logger (hidden) software you can install when he’s out that will log in every key he types in, maybe he logs in to sites with passwords that you’ve had no idea about & once YOU log in with his password you can see everything he's been doing there. Go to the web browser & pull up the entire history. If he’s sharp enough, he would already have erased them daily but maybe he’s not so savvy. You could also get a disk, copy the whole internet history to the disk, then go to the library or coffee shop. If he’s gone at work, it’s likely you can look while he’s out. Also, remember YOU will have a new history with your looking around, it’s worth it if you buy a different laptop, just get a refurb. to keep the cost down & pay cash. DO NOT leave a trail behind for him to discover. If he’s hiding something & finds you’re snooping around, it could motivate him to get better at hiding what/if he’s up to something. Erase your internet history after you do things on the home computer. You might even download a totally different browser for this. You need to find some private investigator software for that computer, you can easily install while he’s out. Also get a sound activated recorder, not digital but with little tapes & lay one out hidden when you are both home & you tell him you’re going to the grocery store & will be back in about an hour. You might get a prepaid cell phone for 30-days to use for this, so your phone doesn’t have anything left on it, but I think you might be able to have everything forwarded to an email. Which you could use the refurb laptop. Keep a PW on your phone if you have anything sent to you so he can’t snoop in your phone. Set things up so you can see what he’s up to, I’ll bet you’re going to see why he’s so mad. Don’t change the way you’ve been at all, this way he won’t know you’re snooping. Be sure you log out of sites after being on the net (like in here).

Make a list whether in your mind or listed in some password protected document or in code only you understand. Do NOT leave something he can find.

The list

refurb laptop pay cash

credit check on you, list questions & answers

run background check on him

Credit check on him

car rental service or who to borrow from

hat & big frumpy clothing for following him in alt car

spy SW for the computer keylogger

spy app for his phone fwds texts, email & tracks location

when to go to the library or coffee shop, who has free wifi where you can plug in laptop. Might have to go out of town where no one will be who knows either of you.

Get a voice activated tape recorder, batteries with some blank tapes & where you’re going to leave them with him alone.

How to copy the internet history folder to a USB drive.

Make a list in your mind or in code on paper that only you know what it means. Like for “get laptop” replace the word laptop with “paint” like you aim to fix something in the house.

If after doing your snooping, you find nothing, then at least you’ve gone through the process of elimination. Then you can know it’s just in HIS mind from past issues with his mom, etc. & it’s all physiological. If this is the case, then you might find a way to ask him to start going to counseling so you can better understand one another & start working on a HAPPY marriage when he has a choice to BE happy with you rather than end up in the grave when his time comes only having misery in his life.

Have you ever told him you agree that divorce should be what you’re willing to do if you both won’t make things better? He might say things he absolutely doesn’t mean honey, knowing you’re against it. But what if you turned the tables on him & challenged what he’s been telling you? Have you even done this ever before? You might be shocked how he turns his behavior around if he thought you wouldn’t put up with the unhappiness anymore. One thing you can say is “I’m not your emotional whipping post.”

I pray you don’t find anything but think it’s VERY possible you will find out what’s really behind what’s going on honey. I’ll pray for you. You might start going to church services, this would help bring some strength, guidance & put you & keep you on the right path, regardless of your decision.

At least you’re making an attempt to do something different for a possible change to bring you to where he is in reality. Also, this will give you something to do that will drive you to getting more clarity & answers. You will have a mini adventure too.

He might also have a PO box you don’t know about. You can get a PO box right next to his if this is the case, then you can go there & put your arm in to reach around to his box after hours when no staff is there. If you find he has one & your arm isn’t long enough to reach around, buy a mini grabber stick. Let's say he got PO box 22, walk over to that to see the boxes on each side, above & below. Then YOU rent one of those, ask specifically for only these. If you can't reach around far enough, find a mini grabber stick or mini portable suction vacuum with a hose that can pull the mail to the back for you to reach. The mini grabber stick should suffice Something like this – find a short mini one or bendable if you can.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/NEW-Set-TelescoPik-Rotating-Telescopic-Reachers-Comes-w-Mini-Standard-Size-/361389522870?hash=item54247e7fb6:g:~BEAAOSw9r1WD2Ir

I hope this helps & you get to a happier place soon.