(for divorced men) Why dont men stand up to their ex wives?

*RED*

2008-05-02 09:45:14 UTC

...sad to hear that, but, move on and make it better!

yNOT?

Stace

2008-04-28 10:02:35 UTC

Kids is an answer (and I am married to a guy with a psycho ex!). He had a stepdaughter who he had raised and been a dad to since she was five months old (she turned 9 last month). His ex took away all rights to her. He had wednesday night dinners plus the weekend, she took away his wednesday night dinners. They've moved out of state and she started getting his three year old to call him daddy ____ (his first name) just like he calls his step dad. You don't necessarily understand that the mother (his ex) has a TON of influence over the kids and that he can certainly lose a lot! Even if he gets time, she can influence them so that the time that he does get is horrible, so that they don't love him like a dad. My advice to you is to try and get along with the ex as much as possible, and try and keep the ex out of your life as much as possible. My husband's ex has yelled at me, has called me every name in the book (including claiming that we were cheating before they got divorced, however she was involved with a married man before they got divorced and me and my hubby didn't meet until about six months after the divorce was finalized!). I haven't ever done anything and my hubby just naturally started distancing himself from the whole situation. It's hurt a lot cause he doesn't like distancing himself from his kids, but he realized that if he was gonna be with me, that his ex was going to do crap like that. So anyway, long story short, if he loves his kids at all, then it is an excuse. Just make sure you're really not causing any of the crap and your man should take your side. And try to just stay out of the way. If you can't go pick up the kids without something going on between you and his ex, stay home. If you can't talk to the ex, have your hubby do it. And yeah, it will be annoying and it will be tough when he doesn't do what you think that he ought to do, but make sure that you're not making it tougher on him by having problems with the ex. There are a lot of books out there that are written for second wives so that we can learn how to deal with the hubby's ex. It might help, and you might be able to suggest a few things to your hubby too!

kingweasel

2008-04-28 10:06:06 UTC

Most men that get divorced more often than not, kissed ***. They let their ex have a power over them. A power that should never have been. Most men don't even know that they have done it. It is just something that they fell under during their years of marriage and it can be a very hard habit to break. But it is something that a man must come to grips with and deal with for everyones good.

callawak2

2008-04-28 09:55:04 UTC

Men do stand up to their ex-wives. Boys do not stand up to them. Also, there is a way of doing it smartly.

Never get into a physical confrontation unless you are willing to take the abuse that will get her thrown in jail. Do not fight with her in front of your children. That is their mother and you need to show her respect in front of them always, or else you look like the abusive dad. If you get hurt by her, make sure you get medical attention so that you have documentation.

Mostly, remember it is not about winning, but making sure that you and your new girl/wife and have a peaceful existence without the ex trying to mess up your lives.

N O

2008-04-28 10:04:32 UTC

I'm not a divorced man, but I'm married to one and I agree 100%! It is extremely frustrating when my new husband doesn't take an active and more aggressive role in setting his ex straight when she is WAY out of line - to the point of attacking us for no reason. He's used to just doing what she wants to pacify her so that she doesn't take things out on their kids, which she does regularly. He made the mistake of believing her when she used to say that he had no rights. I am baffled by this. I think most guys (I don't use the word "men" because so many don't act like "men" anymore) have lost site of their empowerment as fathers and husbands because of dealing with empowered women and the fact that the courts tend to tip in favor of the "mom" regardless of how dysfunctional the moms are. I hope you find the "cure" - I will be watching this 'cuz I could certainly use that insite myself :). If you find it - I suggest you bottle it because I think you could make a TON of money on that one! :)

Freedle S

2008-04-28 10:00:13 UTC

I've only been married once so I have no personal experience to share in this matter. However, I think the kids are a reason. An ex wife does have a lot of power there. Please feel free to check a site called http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/

All the time, people make false reports and cause hell in other's lives.

People and their ex's that share kids have to coexist. Might as well try and be pleasant.

fs

az_mommma

2008-04-28 10:06:04 UTC

Okay, now, would you like to step into the real world with the rest of us?

Kids isn't a cop out.. it's a reality. I have seen too many fathers who have to deal with their wives using their kids to control them. Yes they can do it.... have you seen how long it can take to get an ex who is denying visitation? It's not a simple call the cops! You have to hire a lawyer, file comtempt against them, wait for court dates.. if they fight it, then wait for more court dates and it can take YEARS!

So wake up! Many men feel trapped and controlled by their exes. They feel they have to be nice or they will not allow them to see their kids and they will do anything for their kids!

As for men who don't stand up to exes who don't have common children... they just ain't over them yet!

The Princess

2008-04-28 10:04:56 UTC

I agree with you that I see this talked about, for sure on Y/A, so it exists. I'm fortunate in that my husband would never have that attitude regarding the ex, he seemed to a little bit at the beginning, but I did not put up with that crap at all, and now we have no contact with her whatsoever, thank God. Can't stand her, she did things to try to cause trouble with us in the beginning, dragged her feet signing everything, tried to have old friends call him, etc. We ended up leaving the area, it's really best to make a new start elsewhere in this situation.

hotdog

2008-04-28 09:53:55 UTC

I didn't even make it to the married stage with the single father I dated.. because his ex wife was just one big bag of CRAZY!

She constantly was gold digging, using the kids as pawns, calling to discuss emotional issues not related to the children.. bottom line: she had no sense of boundaries. I felt like I was dating them both.

So I left.

Edited to add:

I guess I didn't directly answer the question. Oops! Possible reasons men don't stand up to their exes:

-they fear she'll keep the kids away

-they have some bizarre undying loyalty to her

-they are not easily able to draw clear boundaries and stick to them

-they find it easier to simply go to their happy place

mleanne13

2008-04-28 10:00:23 UTC

well lets see my husband wants nothing to do with his exwife once he even forgot about her with it came to tax time. but she came into his life at a bad time then said she was pg with in a week of them being together. and she wanted to get married. she was an old friend of mine and knew that me and him were more then friends. we were having sex just wanted to get together and work on becomeing closer. there werent married for more then six months and he got a devoice. while over seas. she hurt him really bad not that many people know that he was married before me. and he keeps it that way. i guess it is all on how and what they did. if it was the man that cheated or the wife or if they just grow apart and didnt want to work on it. and gave up. to tell u the truth the way i see it is that i would kill my husband before i would devioce cause at least i could be forgiven for that. yes i would have to spend time in jail. but i love my husband too much to cause him any harm. why would i want to do that too him. he married me didnt he. and now we have a son that is eight months old. my mom got a devoice when i was three. and there never got along when i was 13 one day i told my step dad to shut up about my dad. and he didnt so when he was drive i open the door and jumped out and every since then he has not said a word about him.

redpeach_mi

2008-04-28 09:53:07 UTC

i would think that in most cases where the ex is causing problems with the new wife for no reason that there really isn't anything that he really can do. she is going to treat the new wife badly no matter what the guy has to say. women like that are just off and that's all there is to it. he was married to her before and i knows how she is.

2016-04-17 23:05:11 UTC

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My oppinion he needs to break all ties with the x wifes family as far doing things like camping, dinners, sports ect..u didnt mention if there are any kids involved..if there are kids of course there are going to be times that the x wife and family are going to be at certain functions but this shouldnt be happening on a regular routine.. 1. it makes you feel uncomfortable.. anything that is destructive to your marriage he should realize isnt a good situation and if ur constantly uncomfortable with this , its going to become if not already destructive to your marriage. 2. If there are kids involved the more that the parents interact in functions like this.. giving memories of old times before the divorce.. the actual more damage it does to the kids, because with just about all young children of divorce they secretly constantly wish that their parents will reunite and make their family whole again and all this does is give them false hope. 3. If you dont put your foot down about this now.. it will only get worse.. the longer u allow it, the longer that it will seem to be an Okay action.. he is no longer married to her and has no real NEED to hang out with them as if he were still part of the family, its great that he gets along with them so well.. but all parties need to realize that he's remarried and that he has to stand by his new bride not by his old one.. No one should ever come before you not even the Children (UNLESS its a life or death situation then children should always come before u) but on trivial everyday routine they shouldnt.. even the Bible says this.. If there are no children involved, then he's holding on to a dream that once was and you'll never be able to move on with your lives and create your own family if he's still caught up with the family of the past. You cant constantly be made to feel that your living in someone elses shadow and thats exactly what he's doing to you.. I have step children and i realize i have to be civil to their mother and their mothers family.. but my household is just that mine, and although she has custody of the children when they are in our household they are "our" children and we are a united family.. we do our own bdays, our own holidays with them.. and they have the same when they are with her.. their mom knows if she needs anything she can call me and i'll do my best to help her out ie watch the kids if she has to work or go to school.. but she has to respect my household, just as i have to respect hers.. and right now, Your husband is the one thats disrespecting u and your household by needing to put his past life ahead of his current life.. Good luck.. i hope he see's the error of his ways before it destroys your marriage..

2016-04-15 12:43:27 UTC

My oppinion he needs to break all ties with the x wifes family as far doing things like camping, dinners, sports ect..u didnt mention if there are any kids involved..if there are kids of course there are going to be times that the x wife and family are going to be at certain functions but this shouldnt be happening on a regular routine.. 1. it makes you feel uncomfortable.. anything that is destructive to your marriage he should realize isnt a good situation and if ur constantly uncomfortable with this , its going to become if not already destructive to your marriage. 2. If there are kids involved the more that the parents interact in functions like this.. giving memories of old times before the divorce.. the actual more damage it does to the kids, because with just about all young children of divorce they secretly constantly wish that their parents will reunite and make their family whole again and all this does is give them false hope. 3. If you dont put your foot down about this now.. it will only get worse.. the longer u allow it, the longer that it will seem to be an Okay action.. he is no longer married to her and has no real NEED to hang out with them as if he were still part of the family, its great that he gets along with them so well.. but all parties need to realize that he's remarried and that he has to stand by his new bride not by his old one.. No one should ever come before you not even the Children (UNLESS its a life or death situation then children should always come before u) but on trivial everyday routine they shouldnt.. even the Bible says this.. If there are no children involved, then he's holding on to a dream that once was and you'll never be able to move on with your lives and create your own family if he's still caught up with the family of the past. You cant constantly be made to feel that your living in someone elses shadow and thats exactly what he's doing to you.. I have step children and i realize i have to be civil to their mother and their mothers family.. but my household is just that mine, and although she has custody of the children when they are in our household they are "our" children and we are a united family.. we do our own bdays, our own holidays with them.. and they have the same when they are with her.. their mom knows if she needs anything she can call me and i'll do my best to help her out ie watch the kids if she has to work or go to school.. but she has to respect my household, just as i have to respect hers.. and right now, Your husband is the one thats disrespecting u and your household by needing to put his past life ahead of his current life.. Good luck.. i hope he see's the error of his ways before it destroys your marriage..

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celeste_moon

2008-04-28 09:53:09 UTC

It is hard to marry a man who has been married before, regardless of the situation....kids always complicate it as well...sometimes, the man was so berated by his ex...during the marriage, that I think their actually afraid of her!!!

my husbands ex, was such a manipulative liar...that it was practically impossible for us to have a life, anywhere in the same area as her....she turned his family and just everyone against him.....

If he can't stand up to her....as his new wife, you have every right to step in and do it for him....

come check out our group....if nothing else, just to realize, you are NOT alone in this situation....and where we can safely do a lot of venting, bitching...etc...without getting harrassed by everyone ;) we're safe..secluded....and take care of our own.

fYi

2008-04-28 09:49:39 UTC

I think it is because some of them feel guilty about the end of their marriage and some of them still have love for their ex, even if it is just a memory of the love they used to have. But I agree, they say its not about them and they dont want to be in the middle, but it IS about them completely!

True Blue Brit

2008-04-28 10:54:25 UTC

Are you sure you know the whole truth? I have a friend whose ex is getting married again - we know he lies to his new partner about his past life.

And his present life. He blames his ex for refusing to allow him to see his kids, meanwhile she is pleading with him to see them on a regular basis. That's one example.

brwneyedgrl

2008-04-28 10:09:14 UTC

Im a 2nd wife, and i also was previously married and have children from that marriage.. so im on both ends ..

Laws tend to wave in the custodial parents favor.. in alot of cases police dont want to get into the mix they feel its in the best interest of the children just to let the court system deal with things.. and well most non-custodial parents dont have 1500 to 2000 to drop at a seconds notice to take the custodial parent to court everytime they do a "power" trip.. and unfortunately for some it can take months of not seeing their kids, if not years to be able to afford a lawyer to fight against the fact that the custodial parent wont let them have their children.. and sometimes papers just arent enough.. With that said, theres things that a court cant do , like reverse the emotional damage done by either parent while the children are amid the parents spitefulness towards each other in this tug of war .. my husbands x wife, thinks nothing of emotionally abusing the children, by turning them against their father.. and my husband pays his child support on time, helps with "extras" for the children, has regular visitations, has risked getting fired from his job to make his visitations with his kids, goes to school functions, teachers meetings, dent. appts, doct appts when he can, etc.. but she has no problem underminding him with the kids.. telling them he's mean because he gets on them if they get bad grades, because he makes them go to sleep at a specific bedtime, and because he doesnt "buy" their love.. and because he worries about the affects it has on the children her being spiteful, etc, that he finds its easier on the children at times to playcate to her to keep her happy in a sense so that she doesnt make his life and the kids lives miserable..

Theres more involved here then how it effects you , and your husband, the children pay the price for their psychotic mother.. and so alot of times guys will try not to rock the boat for not only their sake but for their childrens sake.. there definately has to be boundries drawn.. but sometimes its best to just let the petty stuff blow over rather then turning it into a blood war over the stupid stuff..

And realize that although u may love his kids, u will never be able to feel the pain that he feels of knowing he has children that he once was a part of their lives every day and now he has to be "told" when he can and cant have his children.. and thats basically what the custodial parent does and the court papers do.. is tell him when hes allowed to have "RIGHTS" to his children, and unless u've been there its really hard to relate to how it makes someone feel.. and unless uve seen ur own children cry for a absent parent, or cry because of what one of their parents is putting them through emotionally u cant even imagine how it tears ur heart out to watch ur own child go through this..

Right Wing Extremist

2008-04-28 09:52:04 UTC

It takes some time. It took my husband a while but not know more. He never wanted to make any waves. But someone can only be pushed so much

Jonny B

2008-04-28 09:49:30 UTC

Some men (and women) like to use the children as a way of controlling the ex. Others like the contact to be maintained. To me these are just men (or women) that are leaving the door open (just a tiny bit), just in case they may feel like a bit of nostalgia sex.

elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom

2008-04-28 10:02:24 UTC

personally, I think if the man does not stand up to his ex-wife (or just ex, mother of his kid(s) and never married), he's a whimp, and I'd leave...or dump him...

experience...

Mary

2014-09-26 09:50:00 UTC

This ebook might help you to understand what's wrong in your relationship and It also teaches what to do to try saving your marriage http://savemarriage.toptips.org

It helped me alot!

jemmamomma

2008-04-28 09:50:49 UTC

Do you actually think a man would stand up for his ex instead of his new wife? I'm thinking that would never happen.

lisalisa

2008-04-28 10:04:22 UTC

hate to say it but men love one time the mother of the kids all the rest of the women who come after are replaceable.

Trust me

OC

2008-04-28 09:50:12 UTC

Because they are not men enough to do that.

2016-08-16 03:20:12 UTC

thanks everyone for the answers.