Ego-centrism, narcissism, megalomania, paranoia, ignorance, childhood trauma, and even ambiguity; my marriage has it all. Opinions?

Question

Prior to meeting my wife, I was a typical healthy teen with dreams. Shortly after meeting my wife and having her hold unrealistic expectations against me I got depressed and started to hate myself so I could "treat my wife better" through my sacrifice. Today I'm learning to love myself again but I am trying to maintain treating my wife well too; this isn't easy because they often contradict each other...

My wife has an issue with ego-centrism. She believes the whole world is watching her and is "out to get her". She learned this paranoia from her mother who raised her to believe this was true. Her mom made her wear solid color shirts to avoid being noticed as a kid; she also only took my wife to the store with her because she was quiet and didn't "make a scene" so she could get noticed. In the end, both of them are ignorant for thinking the world cares about them at all.

My marriage is plagued with issues stemming from my wife's egocentric behavior. She assumes I'm a mind reader and always speaks with ambiguity, she controls the household through manipulation and fear, and she still has unrealistic expectations of others because she doesn't know anyone's capabilities (inability to see beyond herself or have empathy for others - no theory of mind).

Lately I've been plotting to take over the family, but I don't know how to do this. I am still in recovery from my self hate. Without this, my wife treats us as objects/obstacles. This isn't right. Your opinions?

Answer 1

"Today I'm learning to love myself again but I am trying to maintain treating my wife well too; this isn't easy because they often contradict each other…" … "Lately I've been plotting to take over the family, but I don't know how to do this. I am still in recovery from my self hate. Without this, my wife treats us as objects/obstacles. This isn't right. Your opinions?"



Reading that, I feel like you both need some time apart. To focus on your own happiness, and see if what's clearly broken is important enough to salvage. I realize you both work together so that might be difficult. But I really feel like if you were to go stay elsewhere for say a week, just to get your head straight, you'd feel a lot freer. And that doesn't have to mean bam the vows are out the window and you both are going to go sleep with whoever you want or date others, it just means you are acknowledging the need to be apart temporarily to see whether or not this marriage is worth fixing

Answer 2

I don't agree that stereotypes are everything. I don't think we're all the same. I believe gender is a spectrum best demonstrated as a double Bell curve. We are born somewhere on that curve. Most people fit comfortably under "female" or "male", but many do not. I respect the rights of people to be themselves. But at the same time I wonder how many gender variant people really feel that way, that they are in fact just rebelling against society or attention seeking. I may have answered this question totally wrong because I don't know if you were speaking about gender identity or gender presentation. They are separate issues and I answered for the most part from the gender identity perspective.

Answer 3

You sound terribly unhappy. You can't force your wife to change. You can't change anyone except yourself. The two of you have no ideals in common, so there is no commonality to your relationship. You hold everything about your wife in disdain.



Shared interests do work short term ,but interests change over time. Shared morality works better long term. I'd guess the two of you married young, and even though friends questioned the union, each of you vowed to go through with the marriage because each of you had something to prove: to family, friends, etc.



Good luck.

Answer 4

My opinion is that, as nutty as your wife is, you are no less so. "I've been plotting to take over the family." WTF does that even mean? I must assume that when you use words like ego-centrism, narcissism and magalomania, you're referring to yourself. Personally, though, I wish you'd stop with all the psychobabble and just be real. I doubt you're capable of that, though.



Edit: I agree with Anonymous that you should go to individual therapy to work on YOU.

Answer 5

I agree with Jay when he pointed out yesterday "how do you find the time to sleep" and I have to wonder, do you stay up all night seething next to your wife, mentally jotting down rants about her for the next day? I think maybe you should speak to a therapist or life coach, individually

Answer 6

Dude c'mon how many days on end are you going to pissandmoan about your marriage on here? Obviously you are miserable. You make it seem she is miserable too. So the obvious answer here is to END IT

Answer 7

you cannot be a narcissist she is one...if you were one as well, one of you would be the stronger narcissist and the other would fallow his lead quite happy to do it...



you can only be co-dependent...



a healthy person who doesn't believe they can find a healthier person than the narcissistic partner, or a healthy but troubled persons who doesn't believe you deserve one...





you need to dump that b i t ch on her a r ss e, get your kids away from her and cut her out of your lives...



she is toxic and abusive...



you will need therapy to deal with her abuse and damage it has inflicted, and so will the kids...



plotting to take over the family is not inconsistent with being a healthy person but very confused by the abuse...



there is a thing called normalization...narcissist abusers manipulate us into thinking the abuse is normal behaviour and we are wrong not to like it, or we are overreacting..



they also pace themselves...



you are like a frog put into cold water and water has been slowly heated and you are about to be cooked but used to your water and forgetting to jump out...



put a frog in boiling water it will jump right out...



you need to leave this woman yesterday...



you have been looking to her and her demented ways for so long, you forgot what a healthy woman acts like...



she cannot be helped and you know that...so get away and take your kids with you...

Answer 8

From what you have written, you and your wife are equally messed up upstairs. Individual therapy is warranted.

Answer 9

People are who they are. Acceptance is key. You already know who and how she is. You keep beating a dead horse. And asking why it wont change. Its not.

Answer 10

Your marriage has long gone and you are still on denial.