Help! How do I get my husband to stop using my past against me?

Question

Hi. My husband is making me very depressed and is a very difficult person to talk to. He keeps telling me every time we argue (and we argue alot) that I'm depressed because I was sexually abused as a child and that I am now an over-sensitive person who over reacts. Most things we argue about is me asking him to help me around the house, to clean up after himself, stop spending all his money or stop whinging why he has none and to stop raising his voice at me for asking him to do this (he does this to embarrass me thinking I'll stop asking or saying things he doesnt want to hear). He raises his voice in public and at home. I ask him to put himself in my shoes when he demands so many things from me all the time (like do this and do that kinda thing) and I ask him how he would feel if I did that to him but he just tells me its my past that makes me feel like this!! He says its because he can control the things he hates about me and I cant. I ask him what it is I do and he cant answer. He can never answer any questions I ask him about what I do especially why he thinks I am depressed other than him making me. To me he is creating the argument by not respecting me as his wife. I am trying to get him to treat me like his wife, but he keeps degrading me and putting me down because of my past.

Is it really my past creating these problems? If I get medication (which is what he wants), will these problems go away? I really do think my husband knows what he is doing but why wont he admit it?

PLEASE HELP. I have exhausted not only myself but all avenues of how to get through to my husband. I have told him verbally (upset and calm), written it down, and even kicked him out of the house and yet he still turns it back on me. He holds everything I do against me, even kicking him out. Is this normal? Why does nothing work? Why doesnt he want to see how he makes me feel and do something?

Many thanks to all those who share your thoughts and feelings with me on this situation. Its nice to know there are still people out there who care enough to spend a little time to help someone change their life in a bad situation. May you always be smiled upon. x

Answer 1

DON'T GET MEDICATION. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband just doesn't know how to show sympathy. You were molested and he uses that against you? He's the one that needs medication. I think you need to set some boundaries. He feels he controls you and can easily convince you to do whatever he wants. Tell him that's not the case anymore and put your foot down. If he starts to respect you then,stay but if he doesn't,leave. Him raising his voice in public is just horrible. It also shows he can't control his anger and it might get physical.

Answer 2

He's not normal. He casts you in a 'sick' role and uses that to justify abusing you. It's called altercasting and it is just another way of 'pathologizing' you. He's blaming the victim, and yet, you are a victim of his abuse. He says you are doing these things because of your past, yet he is the one dragging it all up. Why? To avoid responsibility for how he affects you. He claims that he can control you whilst you can't. Fact is, he can't help himself, he must be a defective character so blames you so he doesn't have to grow up' or outgrow his 'childhood' or face his own personal demons. If anyone needs counselling it is he. There are so many transference and counter-transference issues going on between you two it will probably never get sorted out.



Where did he learn to be this way?



What can you do to change him? Leave him, please go and find someone worthy of you, someone who can understand and respect you. Someone who sees that when you are vulnerable, he will protect you, rather than kick you. Someone who will Love you for who you are.

Answer 3

He is using your past to justify the way he is acting. You've tried a lot of different ways to make your husband understand he is hurting you and the relationship. If he can not sit down and have a serious conversation with you and does not want to resolve the problems then there is little you can do. You don't need to go on medications. Don't tolerate being treated badly.

Answer 4

The only reason for such type of behaviour from your husband is tht " he thinks he has done some thing very special , and you owe him" which as a matter of fact isn't. So make him clear tht dnt behave as if u r the only male left on this earth to become my husband. Really you should give one chance to be in relation ship by quoting above mentioned dialogue and even if he repeat tht - go to your home with out notifying him, leave him for couple of months, its only when he will come to kno tht he was wrong, then every thing will be alrite..ATB !!!

Answer 5

Sounds like he is good an manipulation. Pointing the finger at you and an open easy wound is not only disrespectful but deflects the attention on him and his shortcomings. Tell him instead of spending his energy on that, if he insists on blaming everything on your past, he might as well blame the divorce on himself b/c he will soon be your past too unless things change now. Counseling might help but I know in many cases it doesn't. Its a very limited forum to bring couples with communication problems closer to hearing eachother.

Answer 6

It's now time to take care of you and love you. You are seeking validation from your husband and you are not getting it. It's time for you. The relationship is abusive...to what degree, of course, I can't say, having not lived it. Is this what you envisioned marriage to be? Would you call this a partnership based on love and respect? If you can't answer with an unqualified yes, then it is time for you to take the action that is necessary to make your world right for you. Take a break...be with you...learn to trust you and your decisions...If nothing gets through to your husband, maybe a legal separation would....time to think, be introspective, you don't need to be medicated; you sound very sane and extremely rational....Good Luck.

Answer 7

He is using your past to bully you. He has no respect for you whatsoever. You need to find out why he being this way. Joint counseling would help to get to the bottom of things. If he refuses to go, go alone for help to muster up the strength to leave him. If he is going to make you feel unworthy because of things that were not your fault and so many years ago, he is not worth staying with. I hope you get help.

Answer 8

You probably can't since you tried everything possible and he does not listen. Do not let him continue to put you down this way he should be there for you and he is not. Let him go, at least you tried and do not take the blame for this, you are not to blame he is. How sad he does not see this.

Answer 9

I would suggest going to counseling and don't get medication. If he loved you he would not be bringing up hurtful memories. He should be helping you no matter what. I think you should divorce him quick. He sounds like a doushebag.

Answer 10

i can related,i'm the type i forgive but i don't foget.and that is the hard part.i medicate but seems after it wears off i am even more depressed. and your husband he knows what he is doing because u are weak. at least i know my husband does.he know he has all the control,cause u have little control of yourself...

Answer 11

this man does not respect you, at all, a husband should never treat his wife like this.... i would suggest that you and him attend marriage counseling. if that doesnt solve things, i dont see this marriage working out.

Answer 12

I think counseling would help. he clearly resents you for some reason, and you're beginning to resent him. you need to talk this out with someone or your marriage is going to crumble. i'm sorry you're going through this. i truly am.

Answer 13

He is depressing you not your past !!! He is trying to bully you , and you are standing up to him an he dont like it !!!

Answer 14

maybe you could talk too your husband about this,if he wont listen or you don't want too. you could find out about his past and use it against him

Answer 15

divorce him.....