oh my god, losing my mind, shorter version!?

Question

I'm separated. My husband walks a line with me - always hinting that he wants to get back together.

Today he had the kids scheduled for something and he didn't tell me. I asked that he let me know when he has something planned for the kids so I can put it on the calendar (have asked this repeatedly).

He agreed, but was pissed.b/c I was not all sweet and friendly to him. I am in a lousy mood and was businesslike, stated my request, he agreed, that was it.

Later, our daughter was acting up. I corrected her. He came in and I started to tell him how I felt, then stopped. He has made it clear he does not care how I feel - and he will use any frustration I share with him against me later.

He got mad and left without even saying good bye. I had other things to go over with him. I called and asked why he left without saying good bye. He started yelling at me and it all disintegrated into him saying all the following things:

I should have left you years ago
you threw me out
i don't care about you
i don't care about your feelings
you just called me up to yell at me and make me feel horrible (I had not yelled at that point, but ultimately lost my temper about about the 4th or 5th thing on this list)
you want to control me
you want me to make special arrangements to let you know what i am doing with the kids
i tried to be a part of the kids' lives and you just want to criticize me about it (no idea....)
you are manipulative
you are a liar
I never wanted this marriage to be over
some more of you threw me out
poor you (that was his comment to me bringing up his dating 5 years ago...yes, I said dating)
more poor you

Yes, I damn well did throw him out. He had gotten abusive, but now I should feel badly for him!

What the **** is going on? He thinks I am horrible, accuses me of the most ghastly, manipulative behavior, then hints around that he does not want the divorce.

Answer 1

He is p*ssed off because you woke up and realized you were better than him and how he treated you.



He is the manipulative one. Do not react to him or his snide/nasty comments. He does not think you are horrible or he wouldn't be wanting you back, he just wants YOU to feel like he does and he wants YOU to feel like your a horrible person, that way he can continue to manipulate and control you.



You left him for a reason, he was manipulate, nasty and abusive. You know this so don't let what he says get to you. Stand your ground and ignore any unruly behavior no matter how hard it may be.



Eventually he will realize its not much fun playing mind games with someone who is non receptive and he will stop. Until then don't let him push your buttons

Answer 2

Look, I'm not exactly sure who wanted the separation, but once you make the decision to end a relationship, you HAVE to follow-up with boundaries. It sounds like you guys are still stuck in the same vicious cycle that tore you apart. Both of you are victims and both of you are guilty. Once you get to the point that you're no longer living together, you have to stop yelling, bullying, manipulating, psycho dialing, etc. If you ended the relationship, you no longer care what he does or who he does it with. Now it's like the two of you are strangers. The intimacy is gone (I'm not talking about sex, either) so you no longer have the "right" to say whatever you want to him. He doesn't come over and you guys don't hang out. You're telling me that he is a good enough human to actually enroll his children in activities AND participate with them and you are complaining about it??? Are you crazy or just plain stupid? Sounds like you need to grow up and see what's going on out here in the real world. OR maybe you could stop whining like a spoiled little brat. I can see the possibility of him wanting to get back with you, but he can't stand your mouth. I can't stand your mouth and I've only read a little of your words. Yes, poor, poor you. I bet he even pays child support. Get a life, lady and stop destroying everyone else's.

Answer 3

Well, this doesn't sound much like a question. More like a rant. Perhaps that is part of the problem.



I couldn't see ONE single reason why this had to turn into a rumble, other than the fact that you two can't talk without it turning into a freaking fight. Think what this is doing to your kids. My folks were like that. I am 63 and STILL remember how it made me feel.



You BOTH need to work on getting along better for the sake of the kids. I would suggest that you see a couples therapist to learn how to communicate without things disintegrating into more of this ****.

Answer 4

Don't you know when he'll have the kids? Do you have to know the details for the"calendar?"



Other than that, it's a bunch of crap. This is what I advised my husband to do with his ex. Send an email saying, "it's clear you have a lot of unresolved emotion from our marriage. We really aren't working on that anymore; i'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO GET A THERAPIST IF YOU NEED HELP WORKING THROUGH YOUR FEELINGS. nOW WE ARE PARENTING OUR CHILDREN. tHAT'S ALL i'M AVAILABLE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. "sorry for the caps



She was remarried and still chewing him out about their marriage, but she stopped after the email.



I think he's trying to control you all the time. If the carrot doesn't work, he tries the stick.

Answer 5

And only those from a very small geographic area as well! Hmmm....... He forgot about women and the Chinese too! not to mention the American Indians! I guess if you only read The Torah the Gospel and the Koran ( all the same god) you would have to think that way. By the way he chose only women to give birth to the Prophets(crafty god indeed!)! You must be so proud being a MAN, Gods chosen, sooo special, yep reach down and feel proud, so very proud!

Answer 6

Sounds to me like ur still married . Why did u separate ? Cause u and him r still on each others back, that doesn't look like ur being separated. U need to stay away from him and he needs to back off more, ur yelling and accusing each other will hurt the children

Answer 7

Good grief, such a tangled mess. Too many knots to smooth out. Hopeless

Answer 8

If someone wants to leave your life, then let them GO! Get up and GO on with your life. It's okay to stay depressed and feel sorry for a while, but don't stay there too long. If someone wants to walk out on your life? LET THEM GO! Especially after you have tried being the best woman you can be and they still want to go? Let them go! Whatever they are after they will see what they had in a minute and by that time it is going to be too late. These people you sit around and cry about, but in several years you aren't even going to remember their last name. One day you are going to see him and you will tell yourself, "What the hell was I THINKING?!!! I MUST HAVE BEEN LONELY AS HELL TO YOU HAVE HOOKED UP WITH YOU!!" Let him go!!! Some people come for a life time and some for a season. You have to know which is which. You are always going to mess up when you mix up those seasonal people with life time expectations. There are people that got married to people that they were only supposed to be with a season and wonder why their life is hell. That person was someone that was suppose to come to your life and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love and wonder why you have no peace where ever you go. Listen, everyone in your life is like a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows they are on one side then move to another. They are unstable. After that season they wither and die. they are gone. Most people in the world are like that. They just take from the tree and provide shade every now and then. Don't be mad because that's why they were put on this earth just to be a leaf and nothing else. Some people are like a branch on that tree. BE CAUTIOUS OF THOSE PEOPLE. They will fool you. They will make you think that they are strong and there for you, but the minute you step out their own they break and leave you high and dry. If you find two or three people that are like roots at the bottom of that tree, THEN YOU ARE BLESSED BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T going NOWHERE!!! If those roots weren't there the tree would die. A tree can have million leaves and branches but only a few roots to keep it alive. If you get you some roots hold on to them but the REST? LET THEM GO!!! NO, its not easy, but its never going to be easier. Easier will come when you learn to love yourself!!! When you get to a point of your life when you say ITS EITHER YOU OR ME?! YOU WILL MAKE A DECISION!! If you tell someone to change something that's causing you pain and they don't? They don't care, move on and let them go!! If there are people that change or even try to change keep them around because that's a leaf trying to become something MORE. IT IS HARD BUT LET THEM GO. This will get easier and easier i promise you but you just have to make it through. You have to learn how to be by yourself. I ILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHEN People pray .I NEED SOMEBODY..WHERES MY MAN? THATS CRAZY AS HELL. IF YOU CAN'T BE BY YOURSELF THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH SOMEONE ELSE? SHUT UP AND WAIT!!! THAT TIME IS FOR YOU!!!! GO WORK ON YOU THAT'S WHAT THAT TIME IS FOR TO GO WORK ON YOU. YOU WILL BE SURPRISED TO SEE WHAT PEOPLE WILL DO TO OR PUT UP WITH TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL THEM THAT THEY LOVE THEM. ONLY TWO PLACES ON THIS EARTH YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE PEACE. THE GRAVE AND YOUR HOUSE. If you can' t walk into your house with peace THEN SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!!





LET HIM GO!!!! Dwindle too much in the past? How will you focus on YOUR future?

Answer 9

sounds like its time to end things,but if you think there might be something to salvage,see if they will go to counseling??that way if it does end,you can honestly say you tried everything