Should I consider a mistress?

Question

I have been married nearly 20 years, and for close to 15 of those years, sex has been pretty sparse. I have tried numerous ways of getting her in the right mood, like foot massage, flirty talk, a nice romantic dinner then a walk holding hands, chocolate, strawberries and champagne to name but a few.
I seem to get mixed signals from her, like when I do a combination of several of the above, I get to the foreplay part, and she makes the "hurry up" hand motion because she wants me to get it over with, then she is up and back at the computer yet again.
That is not to say we have not ever had good sex, but it is so sparse that I am nearing my wit's end wth the whole situation.
Now, she seems to have many excuses for not doing anything, but she still tells me I must be the one to initiate it, which when I do, it is either hurry up, or she comes up with some reason she cannot...IE "I really have to go to the bathroom" "If we do I will be up all night" yadda yadda.
Should I just go ahead and quit trying after so long and find a girlfriend who will appreciate me?
To head off some of the replies...Our children are all teens, she does not work, I help out with the housework (Or I should say I end up doing it because she is on the computer for 16+ hours a day)
I do indeed like to be romantic, as well as little things like telling her "I love you" every day, saying things like "Man, I am so lucky to have found you" "You rock!"
"You look great in that outfit" I also still llike to hold hands when we walk.
I am losing it slowly, because I also got a vasectomy so she would not be concerned about getting pregnant again. I shower 1-2 times a day, I brush my teeth, I exercise regularly, but I am starting to feel like I am chopped liver.
I have asked on many occasions about whether I am doing something wrong, and if I am, maybe she could tell me what I need to work on in the foreplay arena, and she has made a couple suggestions here and there, so I like to think I am half-way educated on what she likes, and I have tried to have meaningful conversations about sex, and I get the same old "You need to initiate" talk. I have suggested counseling, but that was met with hostility so at this point, I think getting a girlfriend on the side may be my last hope for sanity.

Answer 1

I feel your pain rejection sucks especially when you are doing all that you can to try to please the other person and make their life better and all they do is come up with one excuse after the other of why they cant be intimate with you. they use the kids, there tired, aches and pains you name it to avoid intimacy it sucks. the you need to initiate is bull if every time you try she shoots you down you begin to feel like why bother if your going to say no and reject me yet again. I have the same situation going on in my house and have felt that something on the side is my last resort as well.

Answer 2

At this point in your marriage you don't have as much to lose by being upfront with her. Give her an ultimatum and then leave. That way when you start seeing someone else that new relationship is all about her. Your kids are old enough that custody issues should be less heated and if you leave without pissing off the wife the less chance she has to try to poison the kids minds. Although if one or more of the kids are within a few years of turning 18 I'd stick it out with counseling. Be honest with the kids in all of this and hopefully they'll fully respect you if you do leave. But if you are miserable now, by all means leave

Answer 3

OK, I'm dead serious here, having lived through this myself. Tell her everything in this letter, except that you are contemplating an affair and see if things change. Insist on counseling. If there is no effort in 2 months, either file for divorce or have an affair. I was married, and he cheated. I should have done the same. I played by the rules, and I should have gotten out. Consider it, or have an affair (divorce is very expensive). A woman's point of view.

Answer 4

Why do the gf? My hubby's on the efin' comp. when he gets home from work playing the WoW game. Consider a separation or divorce. When I suggested that he's decided to spend his time with me and our son. Also, cheating could bite you in the *** if she'd try to get you for everything when she finds out about the affair. You only have one life. Live it to the fullest. I believe in marriage, but when you become that unhappy who are you sacraficing your happiness for? You children will understand when they get old enough to, your wife who stays at home, or you? good luck and do what's best for you and your children not what you think you will look the better for those to see.

Answer 5

When two people out grow a relationship and someone starts taking the other one for granted it's time to go.

Before I would cheat I would just be done with the marriage and live my life out in the open free from stress of ever getting caught.

Do it right and be happy because life is to short sweetie.

Answer 6

When I read your question I had to double check it was not me that had asked it! In my situation I think it would be more hassle to get a girlfriend or mistress whilst still married. Would this not be upsetting for you and your family, if found out? It is very frustrating being in this situation and lonely. You would not have asked this question otherwise. Hope you work something out!

Answer 7

You sound like a really nice, devoted husband.... I was going to criticize you by saying 'have you actually tried listening carefully to your wife' but as I scrolled down it looks like you actually do ... it seems that you are considerate and sensitive husband. I think your wife needs counseling support, to see what her problem really is, surely she knows that something is up! If all else fails .... move on and try to find a fulfilling relationship with someone who appriciates you. Good luck.

Answer 8

Give her a choice first that if you don't go into counseling than your gonna have start doing things that make you happy. She don't like it let her leave and you keep the kids. Cuz if you cheat and get caught she gonna make you pat anyway.

Answer 9

Before taking a lover, go ahead and hire a divorce attorney because that's where your marriage will end up anyway. Better to end it BEFORE you phuque up your karma and make yourself into a lying, deceitful, betrayer.



Accept things as they are...fix it...or end it. Those are the reasonable options.

Answer 10

let your wife know that even know you love her like no other, you are missing out on a very important part of a relationship and you are worried that you may stray and not have the control you normally would.

she deserves to know it's this bad

Answer 11

i have a wonderful book that answers all your question and if it doesnt work then you have to move on but with the time you have in it its worth the try!



Love and Respect

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs!

Answer 12

Get a girlfriend

Answer 13

If you are THAT great, and she remains that unresponsive, are you sure she doesn't already have a boyfriend?

Just wondering...