Husband admitted to having an affair while I was sick?

Question

I underwent 6 months of intensive chemotherapy to treat my cancer. Now I am fully recovered and my husband of 7 years confessed to me that for 2 months he has been cheating on me. I know it has been a very stressful time for him; but I don’t understand why he would do such a thing to me when I was so sick. He says it wasn’t anything I did to cause him to stray but it was his desire for another woman’s touch and his selfishness. He says he was lonely and needed companionship so he cheated on me with his friend.

I’m extremely upset and angry yet for some reason I can’t decide on what to do. We have been married for 7 years and I just don’t want to throw it all away over a 2 month fling. I made vows to him till death do us part and for better and worse. Yet, another part of me wants to throw him out and let him be with the other woman. My husband has been pleading for my forgiveness but I simply can’t say anything to him. I’m so lost, and hurt. I feel like I’m getting sicker at the moment. He’s been apologizing and crying to me. But I am so confused right now.

Married women/men, what would you do if you were in my situation? Any advice would be great thank you.

Answer 1

Your husband has violated your trust and the sanctity of the marriage big time. While I appreciate your comment that this has been "a very stressful time" for him, what about for you? You have been through 6 months of intensive chemotherapy!



You are confused at the present time because it has not yet sunk in. Yes, you are lost as to what to do. You are not just hurt. You are deeply hurt! Your husband has committed the one act that could totally destroy the trust between the two of you.



The road to restoration if after you've given yourself time to work this through is a 4 step process. It will not be easy and you may need counseling intervention.



The first step is for your husband to show genuine remorse. Not remorse because he is afraid of losing you but remorse because he realizes how devastating this has been on you and how dispicable his actions have been.



Step two is his desire to be forgiven. If he is is truly remorseful and is truly desiring your forgiveness he will also realize that he is not deserving of it but that it is a gift- a gift from you and he will receive it humbly.



The 3rd step is reconciliation. This is a difficult step and will take considerable time. It is the time time when you both begin trying to establish the trust that was destroyed. This can be done but it will take a lot of effort on both your parts. Again, counseling intervention may be very helpful. You will know reconciliation is taking place because the hurt and the anger and denial have waned. You have forgiven him and you want to move forward. You have moved well past the stunned/shocked phase. You may never forget the violation but you know in your heart your husband is worthy of your love once again. You are ready to move on.



The 4th and last step is restoration. Restoration does not always follow reconciliation. While you may have reconciled with your husband where there is now forgiveness and no more anger, you may come to the place where you decide you just cannot trust him as you once did and that is the straw that breaks the camel's back and that you no longer see a future between the two of you.



However, you sound like a strong woman who is prepared to go through the difficult healing process provided you see evidence of a truly remorseful and repentant husband.



What has happened to you cannot be trivialized and there are many a marriage that has died as a result of what he has done. However, there are many marriages that have been restored and become even stronger when both were willing to face the issue of infidelity head on.



It is not what your husband says but rather what he does from now on that will help save your marriage. By his actions you will be confident that not only is he genuinely sorry for breaking your heart but that he is resolved to never ever repeat this again.



Given all that you have gone through it speaks volumes that you are willing to give him a second chance. That speaks very highly of your character. I wish you well.

Answer 2

inding out that your spouse has been unfaithful can be a devastating blow. Your initial impulse reaction is probably inexplicable hurt and anger. You have been betrayed in such an enormous way. Your trust has been trampled on by the very person who promised to be faithful to you for the rest of your life. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and that foundation has been crushed by your spouse through infidelity. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to fully experience your feelings of rage, sadness, and resentment. It is not going to help you to suppress your true – and warranted – emotions. Give yourself time to come to grips with what has happened. Give yourself time to do some introspection as to what has happened and why you think that this is an obstacle that your marriage is encountering. Not all marriages have to end as the result of an affair. If the two of you make the commitment to move past this, you may be able to. On the flip side, realize that there is also a chance that your marriage cannot survive an affair, even if the both of you want very much to make it through this. Here are some instances where you should give forgiveness a chance after discovering that you spouse has been unfaithful:

When there is True Remorse,

When the Love Isn’t Gone,

If you and your spouse have decided that you want try to stay together, it is vitally important that you establish a plan of action for rebuilding and strengthening your relationship. You should insist that the two of you seek professional help. If your spouse is unwilling, you should be unwilling to agree to stay together. Once you get into counseling, ask for clear and specific advice about how to re-connect with each other. If you and your spouse are not willing to devote the same energy and attention to your marriage, then you are never going to be able to truly forgive your spouse’s infidelity. However, if your spouse can prove to you that he or she is willing to do whatever it takes – to go above and beyond – to save your marriage, then you have a good shot at getting through the affair.

A misguided response to a life crisis like the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job are sometime reason for affair.

Answer 3

When many of us make our vows, we're lucky enough never to have them tested in quite this way... but you are in the unique position of having found out beyond all doubt what the man you married really is made of. He promised to forsake all others and love you in sickness and in health. He did NOT do this. I think he has proven beyond all doubt that when you need him most, he will flake out on you. He will put his OWN needs above yours. I realize that humans are very complex psychologically, but the man is weak; he should have been cherishing you every moment he had you, because he could have lost you. I don't see how he can retain your respect after this, and I don't see how you can be with a man you don't respect.



No, this man is a fair weather friend of the very worst kind, and while I think that you should forgive him as a human being for being weak and fallible- maybe even stay friends eventually- I do not think you should remain with him as his wife. He has already broken your vows, your pact, your trust as a mate, and I'm sorry to say that I can imagine that should the occasion arise he may well do so again, always with the same excuse "but I NEEDED..."



I think you should ask him to leave. Then gather your strength- and clearly you ARE strong- take some time to yourself to get centered, and when you're ready, go out there and find yourself a warrior of a man who has the integrity, the strength of character, and the BALLS to stand by his woman and not slink away like a coward at the first sign of adversity.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

How decent of him, to try to get rid of his guilt by telling you this. I think he is a jerk for doing this to you, but because of his confession, he has taken something precious from you and the marriage forever.

Sometimes it is better for them not to say anything and suffer the guilt by himself. Especially if it was only a one time thing.

I am not saying you should break up your marriage or anything yet.

I am so sorry for him poor thing just needed another woman's touch and companionship because he was lonely. What about what you needed during this time in your life, fighting cancer is probably the loneliest time in any ones life. However you do have 7 years in this marriage so if he is really sorry for what he did, and can prove that by being keeping his penis in his pants, then you should give him another try. It isn't going to be easy for you because he has betrayed a trust with you, and it will be difficult to believe any thing he says now.

After you feel stronger then you can decide if you want to stay in the marriage, but for now give him a chance and see what happens.

Men can be such bottom feeders at times.

I am so happy for you that you are recovered now, take care of yourself.

Answer 6

It was a really low, wicked, terrible sick thing he did to you. Really scummy.

On the other hand it was a very difficult time for both of you and people do stupid things when under that much pressure.

When my aunty was diagnosed with cancer, her husband said "Oh I can't handle this, I'm moving to London (10 hours drive away), I'll send you money to pay the bills". He didn't mean it, but you panic under circumstances like that and do things you wouldnt normally.

If I really loved someone I would stay after that but only after they'd apologised a LOT and begged me to stay and it would take a very long time to forgive them.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Its one of the worst things a husband could have done to you I think.

Answer 7

The fact that you're husband 'confessed' says to me he was obviously feeling very guilty. His reasoning to me is wrong yes, but it certainly seems honest. If he planned to do it again, why would he have fessed up when it would lessen his chances of getting away with it in the future?

You say you don't understand why he would do this to you while you were sick, I think at the moment you just cant fathom it and who can blame you? You, especially, have been through a very traumatic time, give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically.

I don't think all is lost between you guys but only time will tell. A betrayal of trust in sickness or health is irreparable to many.

Answer 8

Yikes, I can only imagine what you're going through...Hopefully you pull through the cancer thing just fine (FIRST OF ALL)



Secondly, it was a 2 month fling, and even though you may forgive, us as women never forget.. My husband is overseas in Iraq, and currently even though we aren't physically together, I still stand by my man... If I was sick, and went through cancer treatments, I would only hope that my husband would stand by me, and not be in bed with another woman whilest I am sick...



I like you would probably be confused on what to do...You sound like you really respect your husband for coming clean that he cheated on you, but not only was it stressful for him, but it was also a stressful time for you and times to come...because even though treatments help sometimes cancer comes back (heaven forbid) That being said...Do you think that your husband would do it again if your cancer came back?? All things you have to consider and look at sweetie..

Answer 9

I would never presume to tell anyone else what to do in this situation. Life is not that simple, and it will take time for you to look within yourself and determine what feels right. I just want you to know that I am very sorry you are going through this, both the illness and then the news of your husband's betrayal. You must be a very strong woman if you are still standing. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

well i m happy for u that ur sickness is over now , regarding ur husband what he did is very painfull specially that u were sick and he was having fun somewhere else instead of been next to u.but put it this way he admited that he had made a mistake and want u to forgive , if u love him u will but be sure dear that with forgiven him u should not open the subject again about what he did. when u get hurt trust me that it ll be impossible to forget, no matter what u try to be happy u will always remember the pain he gave u when he sheated , i had this experience and till today i never forgot what he did and dont think i will one day , this is the problem...

Answer 11

he broke his vows "for better or for worst." when you most needed him, he cheated on you! His excuse of why he did this to you was very stupid and selfish. He expects you to forgive him because he was lonely and needed companionship??? Did it ever cross his mind that that's probably how you felt too?

I do not believe you should take him back. He cheated on you when he should have been there with you, when you most needed him. And this was not a one night thing, it wen ton for two months!

Leave him. As hard as it may be. You deserve so much better.

Answer 12

i would have given anything for my husband to have been sorry for cheating and walking out on me. because i still loved him regardless because at first when i found out i really believed it was just a sexual thing and didn't mean anything but that. just depends if u love him or not. what u need to do is communicate about it, not the details in a sense but just to understand it better. maybe it was just a physical thing which isn't as bad as an emotional thing. had he been sorry we would have been able to work it out, and i probably would have forgiven him after awhile. if u love him and this is the first time he ever cheated, i would forgive him, but u will always keep your eyes and ears open, u will always remember but as time goes on the memory of it will fade. if u love him and the marriage is a good one and was in the past, it can be again. its when no remorse is shown and he wants the other woman is when u end things.one mistake isn't enough to divorce them but its only my opinion.

Answer 13

I would throw him out. It's true one says in sickness and health for good or bad. But that a man would cheat while his wife is sick with cancer, and undergoing the worst time of her life. Now that is something big.

You had more stress than him, you had something that could have killed you. I imagine the treatments appointments, the thoughts and ideas that must have gone through your head. All that is a lot of stress and now to have to deal with knowing that he cheated, while you were going through all that. I wouldn't be able to forgive him.

Answer 14

He confessed without any situation forcing him to. He says he's sorry and looks like he means it.

My advice is give him some time to stew and then forgive him. You don't find many such men about these days. A typical man would never tell you except to spite you. Furthermore, in the situation (you being sick and him being so confused and all), he was very vulnerable. I'm not making excuses for him but I think he deserves a second chance.

Answer 15

He sounds like he is sorry. He did a cruel thing to you, because of your illness. He should have spent that time with you, not her. If you still love him, and he still loves you, then go to counseling and stay together. Has he ever given you any reason before now to doubt him?

A lot of people get through this horrific time. You have been through enough. Stress, as you know, can make your illness worse. Do what is in your heart, so you can relax. I wish you a great deal of happiness.

Answer 16

My husband cheated after we had our second child. Same thing, he cried and felt horrible. I ended up taking him back and he has been very attentive and things have defintly worked out.



It's very hard to forgive someone but sometimes it really does work out. I would give him another chance. Don't give him a third ofcourse.



Men cheat for wierd reasons. It might be easier for you right now to forgive him instead of stressing over the breakup. Good luck

Answer 17

Egh tough one. I always wonder what my husband would do if i became very ill. I suggest that you maybe leave for a little while to gather up your feelings.



I think if you dont have any kids, you should leave him. But go with your heart. I find the best thing for me to do in very tough times in my marriage is to separate for a few days and clear my thoughts. Dont go to a friends house, i always find their opinions to influence my decision. Go to a hotel, maybe get a nice suite, room service and jacuzzi and gather your thoughts.



I think if i didnt have kids i would leave him but if i did i would just teach him a lesson by doing a "pretend" leaving you thing.

Answer 18

you need to get him to know how much he hurt you with his selfishness.....and you also mention you dont want to throw away 7 years because of a 2 month fling...as you said you took your vows till death do you part....he obviously didnt take the vows the same way.....so judge what you should do by HIS actions.....he broke those vows so lightly and in your great time of need....and of course he is sorry....but it doesnt change the fact of how he perceives those vows and what he did to you is abhorent.....I think you might be best of without the stress...and take some time for yourself and some reflection....dont worry about what he thinks....be a little selfish too and take some time for yourself...and your recovery....let him perform somersaults.....and try to get your forgiveness.....if he has to work for it.....he might just realise truley what he has done and become a better person for it. cheers : )

Answer 19

Personally, I wouldn't be able to minimize it away by calling it "a two month fling". Your husband cheated on you during the darkest period in your life. If I were in your situation, I would be signing divorce papers and happily enjoying my new lease on life.

Answer 20

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I pray for your recovery.



As for your husband. I, nor anyone else here, can tell you what to do.

I am so disgusted right now that I can hardly see straight.



Do what you feel is right. Do what your heart, soul and mind tell you to do.



Best of luck to you. You are in my prayers.

Answer 21

He forgot the part that says "in sickness and in health". He's supposed to be true to you no matter what. Would he be okay if you cheated if he was the sick one and needed a man's touch. A good rule to follow is not do anything to your partner that you wouldn't want done to you. What happens if you get sick again? The choice is yours. I hope for the best for you.

Answer 22

give him a second chance,, it was him who came and admitted in front of you or else you wouldnt hve known about it. Hes honest, i guess u should consider that. Let him plead you for a bit long , dont forgive him easily or else he would think he did a no big deal. People change, cheaters dont necessarily always cheat. They learn their lesson.

Answer 23

He must have forgotten the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows what a jerk! After 7 years how could he do this to u in ur time of need!?

Screw him!

Answer 24

If you keep him it leaves room for more cheating. Till death to us part, through better and worse, in sickness and in health means YOU TOGETHER against the world. TOGETHER IN ALL things. He broke that.

Answer 25

I just read part of this to my husband and he said, "Wow, that guy is low budget" and "What a damn loser".



You need to go to marriage counseling, he will go if he wants to save his marriage.



Good luck and I hope you are cancer free!

Answer 26

You didn't throw away your marriage, he did by having an affair. Please for your own good leave him. You need a MAN that will stand by you. What happens if you get sick again? Do you really think he won't do it again? He doesn't deserve to be happy and have a good wife for his crime against you. Don't let him be rewarded for his wrong doing.

Answer 27

If he really loved you, he would not have cheated but waited for you to get better:-)

Dump the loser:-)

Answer 28

Sorry for your illness, and even more sadly, if he cheats on you in this low point, don't you know that it will continue. Kick him to the curb and you go and enjoy your life.

Answer 29

You need couples therapy, for a start.

Answer 30

Just my opinion - if he's willing to cheat on you when you're completely helpless and sick - my guess would be it would be easier for him to cheat when you're well and healthy.



For better or for worse..yes..but didn't he make that vow and not follow it?



There are not many deal breakers for me in my marriage..but cheating is one of them.

Answer 31

Therapy, lots & lots of therapy

Answer 32

He's crying? Hahahahah...what a pu**y! All guys cheat, get over it and take him back.

Answer 33

You are right. You made vows. Just try to forgive him and move foward. We all know it will be hard and you will think about it. Just let by gones be by gones. Ultimatly he will have to answer for that sin. Good luck

Answer 34

If you can cheat once, it means you can do it again. Hope that answers your question.

Answer 35

he is your husband and he doesn't cheat . !

Answer 36

Burn His ****.

Answer 37

dump him!! what an a**hole!