the things my husband said to me yesterday..am I supposed to try harder or pack up and leave?

Question

Was sleeping last nite and husband came home from work. He woke me up to tell me how I hadn't locked the garage door, how our home security was jeapordized etc.
He went on and on about it in a very loud voice. I was calm, patient, apologized and listened to him. But after another five to ten minutes of his ranting, my patience began to wear thin. I told him that I had already heard him, knew he was upset and that I apologized. He saw that as me trying to "get off the hook" so he upped it even further.
He started yelling loud at me and calling me a c**t and an emotional cripple.
I said to him, "I think you are being hard on me"
He jumped on top of me on the bed and started grabbing me.
So that made me afriad for my safety so I then started to really listen to him and basically kiss his *** so he wouldn't use violence.
He proceeded to keep me awake for two hours, telling me that he grits his teeth just being here with me everyday and how lucky I am to be with such a great man.
He says he could tell me a hundred things he does for US, including buying us dinner, taking us out with friends, and finding movies for us to watch. He says all I do is shop, clean, and make him dinner.
He said anytime I want, to let him know and he will pack up and happily leave. He said he will take half my money in a divorce and be just fine, in fact, even better. He said he will easily get over me and move on with his life.
He said he is only staying with me because of "honor" and that he made a vow to me to be married.
He said I've taken away all his hopes and dreams.
He said that I am too old to have his baby yet he still stays with me. (I am 40, and still do want to try to have a baby...I know it is a longshot but I am trying)

He said he can't think of one thing that I do for him. He says my attitude rules my life and he thinks my attitude stinks.

He said this was all easy to fix...sell the house that we live in. (I lived here way before we were married and he moved in. It's a nice home extensive renovations and cheap mortgage.) He says this wil never be his house. He says I only think for ME and never for US. I only do things that benefit me, not him.
He says he is not thriving here, he is dying here with me.
We work opposite shifts so mostly only spend weekends together. He is estranged from several family members. He talks often about his mother, how violent she was and aggressive and intimidating to him as a child. He no longer speaks to her.
I have two degrees, a professional job, good looking, good family, good friends, no enemies.

He says this is "easy" to fix, and that it is all about my attitude...

I feel like I was just knocked to the bottom of the ocean and don't know which way is up.
Please help me, tell me how am I supposed to react to this? My instinct tells me to pack up and leave, the other part says, yes, I am not a good wife....I need to change and do more..

Answer 1

Pack your stuff, unless you enjoy being treated that way. It isn't going to stop.

Answer 2

My husband has always been a great guy to me. We've been married 17 years and in that 17 years he has only called me a b**** one time. He has never put his hands on me and other than the one isolated incident he has never called me out of name. Tonight however he told me if I didn't like what he was doing then to pack my s*** and get out which is completely against everything I thought he stood for. I have Lupus and am unable to work but a couple weeks ago he told me that I did not contribute to this house at all. I cannot work due to my illness not to mention the extreme seizure order I suffer from. How should I take this

Answer 3

I wont pack up if that is your house. I will say talk to a lawyer about the possibility of separation and what you need to prepare for. That way, you are not taken aback if you really split. he seems really unahppy and if you really have a child with him, it will be unhealthy for both you and the baby. If I were you, I will get out before any worse however that doesnt mean packing and leaving the property to him.



40 isn't too old to have a baby I plan to have one by latest 45. Dont give up home. You have to learn to love yourself if your man doesn't love you. You deserve love. Do not let him dominate over you into submission - love should be a 2-way thing.



Take care.

Answer 4

You may not like my advice, but I have been with the same man for 12 years and he is crazy about me so maybe this will work for you. Tell him to leave and find someone else, then go out with some girl friends and go to the local spa. I think he will gain a new respect for you. He seems like he is to spoiled and is taking advantage of you being around and that is horrible. He needs to learn how to appreciate you and the only way at this point is by showing him that you don't need him. You may feel like your a bad wife but I feel your a bad wife for enabling his bad attitude. Love is not jumping off a bridge with the person your with and agreeing with everything they do, love is sometimes telling the person they are acting nuts and they need to leave because they are messing up in life. He sure is messing up in life because his attitude stinks.

Answer 5

You may or may not have a tendancy to push his buttons, I would not know. All that is beside the point: you're husband is a violent @hole. Everyone goes through stress with their partner from time to time. What everyone does not do is roughly shake and wake up our spouse from sleep to yell at them. I read briefly from some of your previous posts, an your hysband truly has issues. The violent outbursts are ofvthe biggest concern, but the namr-calling and threatening behaviour is appalling.



My wife and I have had our problems. We are both stubborn as hell, but we both respect eachother. I would never, ever threaten myvwife in that way. The violent parent crap is a cop out too. My father was an over-bearing ogre of a man who resented the fact that his family got in tge way of his affairs, and he would lash out violently at times at us. That has inspired my brother and myself to be the exact opposite with our families mow we have them.



Your husband is a complete jerk. Let him walk. Sounds like you are better without him. By the way, he will try to take as much as he can from you when he leaves. I would secretly document/record his outburts so a judge can have some proof of how this man acts and hopefully that will mitigate the judge's opinion what your ******* husband "deserves" from a settlement. I personally would say that this bullying cry-baby deserves a sack-beating in a dark alley, but I have little sympathy for men who intimidate women like this.



You should be thankful that he never gotvyou pregnant (that could be his issue too you know).

Answer 6

Absolutely do not pack your stuff and leave. Pack his, place on lawn or curb, change the locks on the doors. If he tries anything call the police and have him removed if possible. Get a divorce. This man is obviously abusive and you deserve better than that. Calling you the C word is about as bad as it gets, it's time to take control of your life.

There is no "honor" is abusing your wife, so let him take his definition of honor and hit the road.

Answer 7

Almost sure that you will find every financial solution at= financial-care.info-



RE The things my husband said to me yesterday..am I supposed to try harder or pack up and leave?



Was sleeping last nite and husband came home from work. He woke me up to tell me how I hadn't locked the garage door, how our home security was jeapordized etc. He went on and ...show more

Answer 8

He treats you like that because you allow him to. The truth is you married an emotional abuser. He's cruel, selfish, and inconsiderate - and he ALWAYS will be like that. What you need to do is the one thing that scares you most - you need to leave him and get a divorce. When you do that you will be free. Until then things will never change. You already know that you deserve better in life. So why are you waiting? :-)

Answer 9

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/FT7kf



Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.



The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.



Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 10

This is called emotional abuse. It's the first step in a long process to deprive you of your personal freedom and to make you emotionally dependent on your husband. His mind may not have reasoned what he wanted but this is a sign of the emotionally weak relationships he has had in the past, usually symbolic of the relationship he has with his mother. I didn't even need to read the rest of the post to know that he had mother or family troubles. He may not realize that he is trying to make you dependent on him but this is often the tactic of an emotionally weak person when they feel they are not getting enough attention in a relationship. The problem is the love they are craving can never be fulfilled by you. I watched this abuse piled onto my mother for years by my father forcing her to become emotionally dependent on him. i watched him cripple both their lives by his actions and how much worse off they are because of tactics he used like this. I've only recently discussed this with my mother and she opened up to me about how the first time this happened she had a similar night as yours. In fact, in what you wrote I heard my dad's own voice. That is exactly what he does when he thinks you are not listening enough. My father destroyed a good portion of my physical health, my mental well being and was a causative factor in me not reaching many of my goals in life. because of his actions I had to quit school early to help my mom through cancer. He will not just stop with you. He will do this to everyone including your children. the one thing I got from the conversation I had with my mom is how very guilty she feels about what my dad did as an emotional abuser to my siblings and myself.



I'm not going to pretend that you don't love the guy. obviously you do otherwise you'd already have left this morning. You need to know two somewhat disparate ideas. YOU CAN NEVER FIX HIM. He can be fixed. What you need to do is walk away and hand him separation orders from the court. Along with those orders you need to tell him how emotionally drained and hurt you felt by his abusive language and attitude the other night. Tell him you want to go to counseling to save your marriage but if he is unwilling then you do not see it being saved. Understand that he might try to sugar coat the next few months and pretend that he is a nice guy again. Unless he attends counseling regularly, with or without you, it is in your best interests not to look back.



Remember I said you need to do that, not that you have to do that. I'm telling you as a person that inherited his fathers abusive nature, the only thing that has helped me is counseling. My relationships are a hundred times better because of it. I can be in a relationship and not try to enforce dependency and I can be in a relationship that is not emotionally abusive, but it took me time to get there.



You can also choose to leave and you are perfectly right in doing so. i find leaving or separation the two most admirable decisions you can make, because they are both difficult. Staying and having children in an abusive household is not admirable. I know it's difficult but for yourself, who deserves better, and for your future children, who deserve a good father, take the necessary steps to begin to walk away now. It may sound cliche but there are many men like myself who now that we are better would be more than happy to meet an intelligent, attractive, socially active woman even at 40. You don't have to be afraid of your age or where you are in terms of your biological clock. many women can still have children after 40. You don't need to be married to one, to have one.

Answer 11

Two things, Is he normally like this? And are you being COMPLETLY honest of how everything went down in that argument? I would not recommend leaving.