I'm not happy with my fiance, how do i break it off without hurting anyone?

Question

okay...so i've been with this guy for over 3 years and we've been engaged for about 6 months. we moved pretty fast when we started dating, i moved in about a month after and we've been living together ever since. i just have so many feelings running through my head...i do love him really i do, but i don't think that i am IN love with him anymore. he has a drinking problem and he doesn't show me the affection that i want and deserve. we have a apt. now and a puppy. all of our things are he bought i bought..ughh i just don't know what to do. i try to talk to him about it and he always turns it around on me and we get into a huge fight and then he cools off a few days later, tries to fix things by being nice, saying i love you first, telling me im pretty, buying me something...that lasts for ohh maybe 2 days then he goes back to the same stuff. both of his parents drink everyday, his father more then his mother, and i look at his father and think...wow is that really someone that i want to be with for the rest of my life? please tell me there is someone out there in my same situation and can help me. do you think a break would help?

Answer 1

Oh good for you figuring this out before you end up married. There's nothing wrong with remaining unmarried.

Answer 2

Hugs. It sounds like you have been through a lot emotionally. This may not be what you want to hear, but I will be straightforward with you. If he has a drinking problem, it will affect you and those around him. If he drinks you will have all kinds of problems, that is if you don't already. If he continues to drink those problems will only get worse in time, that's a fact. Life with a drunk is miserable, and sadly most alcoholics are self centered. That is just part of the disease. Love should never be painful. Love doesn't hurt. If love hurts, it is not love. Ask yourself am I staying with him because I really love him, or could I be co-dependent on him? If you think you may be co-dependent, which is common, you might consider calling mental health and make an appointment, they could help you through these difficult tough issues.People who are alcoholic have a tough road to get well, many do not achieve it. Part of the disease is they can be very manipulative, self centered, irresponsible, and charming and the list goes on...often they are verbal abusive which sometimes leads to physical abuse. My advice would be to really evaluate your situation, ask yourself where do you see yourself 10 years from now with this man? If you want to leave, make a solid plan and work toward it. Sometimes, things have to happen for new chapter to open, so good things can come into your life, and yes sometimes it is painful, but you are no different from anyone else, we all have to weather life's storms from time to time. The good news is, time heals all things and in time you will feel better, you will gain inner strength, stamina and clarity. Question to you.... Could he stop drinking to save your relationship? There is your answer. Again Hugs, and good luck to you. I hope this helps. PS if he gets abusive, be sure to have a safe escape route there are shelters out there that can help, or perhaps a relative etc.. be safe and take care. Keep in mind there are really good books on abuse and co-dependency, living with an alcoholic, etc... books you can get at the library that will give you much insight. Read, arm yourself with education, be strong, and make right choices in your life so good things can start happening to you. You sound like a really great person that has gone through a lot. Again, Hugs.

Answer 3

No matter what you tell him, he is going to find out that you went back to your ex and there is no way on earth that you can leave him, take his twin girls and let another man raise them without breaking his heart. That is a given. I suggest you do things the right way. Stop seeing your ex, for now. Just stop. It is not right and he is not the reason for your change of heart. You were never into this relationship with your fiance from the start as your heart was not open to him. You probably stayed with him for the sake of the kids, anyway, right? So, for now, leave Mr. Ex out of the picture and tell Mr. Ex you need to do the right thing to dissolve your engagement and the lives you intertwined with your children's father. You said you do not want this to get messy and you want to keep it civil, right? Well, if you plan to have any semblance of normalcy in the future, you need to take the steps to exit this relationship without having another man in the wings, just yet. Okay? Remember, your goals. #1, break, don't destroy his heart #2 set it up so you can leave civilly, for the sake of the twins. Now, how to handle this? Gently. First of all, you have to be honest with him about your feelings of not wanting a commitment for the sake of the kids. Let him know that you decided not to follow through with the wedding because you cannot see a happy future together. Do not rehash any old arguments and do not blame anyone for this. You know why you are leaving him, you love another man. But, he does not have to know that. Remember, preserve what you can so you can have a civil relationship with him later on. Do not dilly dally. Move out. No, not into Mr. Ex's house. Move out on your own or in with a friend or family. Moving from one man's bed to another man's bed is horrible and will screw up your kids. Do not do that. Do not be selfish. Think of others. If Mr. Ex is worth it, he will understand and he will wait. If not, then the drama begins and you deserve every single bit of it. However, your twins do not.

Answer 4

It is time to get a back bone and do what you already know needs to happen. Get yourself a copy of your lease agreement and find out who is responsible for the payments and if both names are on it. If it is close to the end of the lease agreement, inform the landlord in writting that you will not be renewing the lease with your name on it as you are moving out. Give your notice .

Decide what will go with you and what will stay. Separate your finances from the boyfriends and let him know that you need time to sort out your feelings. If he has been paying the rent, then it would only be fair for you to split the assets. If you have paid half then take what you have receipts for.

Since it is unlikely that the two of you will get back together it is important for you to decide who will care for the dog. It may be easier for him to keep it as he already lives in a place that accepts animals.

You are wise to be looking seriously at what your future would be with an alcoholic. If his parents are alcoholics that is his normal and it is unlikely that he will change that behavior. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

you need to take a few days off from each other. is there a place you can go for a few days? i mean go and no contact with each other for 4-5 days. then come back and the 2 of you sit down and lay your feelings on the line. either he loves you and wants to be with you or he just wants the booty.(sorry, but no easy way to say that). it has to be a mutual thing. you commit to each other or go your separate ways. better to find out now than after you get married. think about it then make a decision.

good luck

Answer 6

You need to sit him down and tell him that you are not in love with him first, secondly he drinks to much. You need to get your ducks in a row because you know that he will throw you out of the apartment. He is not going to give up his drinking so I wouldn't expect that either.

Answer 7

An easy way to do the deed has yet to be invented. Just grin and bear the whole episode. It's going to be like a violent force of nature. Just hold on to weather the maelstrom and it will eventually be over.

Answer 8

If you aren't IN love with him and are not happy, then you need to break off the engagement. Will he be hurt--yes, but trust me a divorce will only hurt more.

Answer 9

No a break will not help, you need a complete and permanent separation, have him call you back in 4 years and see where you stand

Answer 10

That is discrimination and according to government which is clamming

more and more rights everyday we the people are not supposed

to discriminate anybody not even alcoholics

Answer 11

Tell him that you need some time to think and move out for a while.

Answer 12

I'll give you my ex-fiance's number. You might have a lot in common.

Answer 13

Tell him ur cheating or ur a lesbian :)))