My wife won't participate in our household...?

Question

My wife works as a nurse and I work as a business consultant. She works about 35 hours/week, and I work about 60. We have been married only three years. We have no children. I make substantially more than my wife. When we got married, her parents were unable to pay for the wedding as is traditional, so I paid for that, although we kept it simple. I had sold my house while we were dating, and purchased a house shortly before we married, with her input. Since we have been married, I have paid all our expenses, property taxes, vacations, household expenses, car repairs, house repairs etc. My wife paid the cell phone bill for the first 6 months, then I had to. She did buy tires for her car once. When her computer died, I bought her another one. (I know, my mistake) Basically, she buys her own gas and car insurance, and every other month or so she will buy $100 worth of groceries. Everything else is me.

At the beginning, she would make dinner about 5 nights a week, and would load the dishwasher half the time. Cleaning up after dinner was always my job. She would do laundry, although it never seemed to be finished or folded. Vacuuming and dusting is not her thing either; she has probably done each twice in 3 years.. She won't go grocery shopping without me.

Lately (the last 6 months or so) she is even less interested in taking part. She might make dinner once or twice a week, and only pre-made meals. She won't wash any dishes, even with the dishwasher, but complains about how I do it. She won't do laundry unless I complain. I asked on Jan 1 if she wanted to put away the outside Christmas decorations or the inside ones, and she chose the inside ones. I put away the outside ones on the first, and today I had to put away the inside ones.

I have tried different things in the past. I have gone a week without cleaning at all to see if she would help, and she didn't. I stopped watering her outside plants, and they died. I go on a business trip for a week, and when I come home, we are out of groceries and the garbage is full. I have tried talking calmly, begging, being frustrated, and making bargains. She just goes to bed early.

She has told me that she is just lazy, and that her parents never made her do anything, and never followed through on discipline. I don't feel it should be my place to "teach" these things. (She is 26 years old.)

She very much wants to have a baby, which scares the heck out of me right now for the obvious reasons. I don't have the time to raise a baby by myself and take care of everything else, but I am worried that is what would happen. As it is, I occasionally arrange my business appointments so that I can clean the house while she is at work. I feel as though I am a parent already.

This has become a huge problem and I wonder if anyone has experience with this. How do I resolve this, and how do I deal with the baby question?

thanks to anyone that can help!

Answer 1

I'm feeling your pain, brother. Here's the problem in a word: Blameshifting. This is what happened in the world's first marriage. In the Garden of Eden, God sought accountability for eating the forbidden fruit - for disobeying His one command. Adam then blamed his wife, the wife blamed the serpent, and if you recall God held all three accountable and dished out a punishment to each. It was a fair judgment because all three screwed up. Adam was in charge of his wife, and should have smashed that piece of fruit right into her forehead for disobeying God. Instead, he listened to her and ate, disobeying God himself. There is accountability today as well, and there will be when we die.



Here's what's going on in your home. Your wife is immature, lazy, and selfish - a taker (as opposed to a giver). She is willfully and woefully taking advantage of you AND blame-shifting ("It's my parents' fault"). How old is she? Twenty-six is old enough to take on and meet responsibility. But you, by taking on her responsibilities, have become the enabler to this behavior. So, you can't blame her altogether, either. You've rewarded her laziness by giving her occasion to lounge even more.



The solution is a sit-down, non-confrontational talk where you are going to lay it on her. Admit you have been part of the problem, the problem is unnacceptable, and counseling is non-negotiable. You don't have to live this way anymore, my friend. She is acting like a child, still looking for boundaries - and enforcement of them - but not finding either. She never found them when she lived at home. All children are lookinig for boundaries so they can test the authority of the parents.



Bizarre enough, it's in our nature to press beyond the boundaries and this assumes that they are set. But, as children, our deep desire is to find consistency in parental authority. It makes us feel safe. In other words, proper parenting requires an established set of standards that reap consistent consequences when breached. Your wife remains immature because her parents failed her in that capacity. She got the short end of the stick from Mommy and Daddy. You got the sh-t end of the stick because you married her.



Do the counseling thing, wait for consistent results in your wife's behavioral changes, and THEN you can discuss a baby. Otherwise, it's just going to go from generation to generation, and you are going to wear yourself out for no good reason. I wish you all the best, and I'm quite sure you'll hear all this if your counselor is worth his or her weight... and a copay.

Answer 2

do NOT have a baby until this is resolved! As much as you may hate to do so, you may have to "teach" her these things. Domestic skills do not come naturally to every woman as most people may think. If you make "substantially" more than her, then I wouldn't press *too* much on the fact that you pay most of the bills (maybe give her a few smaller ones to be responsible over). But what she doesn't contribute to financially, she can make up for around the house. I'm a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I look to the house, laundry, cooking, etc as my job bec my husband works and pays all the bills. She should view your situation as similar. You just need to sit down and talk to her. Make out a "to do" list for each of you listing household chores, etc. I know it sounds adolescent, but it would be a good starting point. Good luck. I hope everything works out and maybe in the near future you can think about expanding your family! (ps - teach them how to do chores!!) ;)

Answer 3

OMG....Your married to a 26 year old princess. I agree with the other poster's, do not bring a child into this until you have worked things out. This is not a happy marriage and a child would just add more stress. You both need to get into some counseling, and she needs to use some of her income to hire a housekeeper to come in at least once a week. If your paying all the bills....what is she doing with her income? Does it go into a joint account or is she "squirreling" it away? Lot of things are happening here and it's not good.....

I wish you luck....And remember, property that was yours prior to the marriage is YOURS.

Answer 4

My X husband was the exact same way!! He lived with his parents until we got married, he was 24, we bought a house, I moved into it for a month and we got married then he moved in. His parents were very religious. It was a nightmare living with him. I did all the yard work, the inside housework, we had a pool I had to maintain that, clean both cars, laundry, it got old QUICK!! After 1 year I wanted a divorce!! His mom came over because I left him. I said I don't understand it, every time I came to your house when he lived there his room was spotless. She said I know, because I cleaned it. I said why did you do that!! You didn't teach him a thing by doing that. Long story short, I went back to him, he begged me to, told me he'd change, after 5 years of misery he changed a tiny bit, I was dumb had a baby with him. After nagging and nagging him to change I led him into an affair because I turned into a "nagging mom". I stayed with him for 10 years and he had numerous numerous affairs on me.. I would be very surprised if her or your situation changes, but I do wish you much much luck!!

Answer 5

Yeah.. um .. about that.. If she can't clean up after herself, what makes you think she can clean up after a baby. Exactly who do you think is going to end up being the mom. Here's a hint: look in the mirror dude. Tell her if she wants a baby so badly then she is going to have to prove it by showing she can pull her own weight around the house. Otherwise, I would say no way. I was married to one woman who once I started doing the dishes, she quit doing anything and then after we got divorced she started to make the kids do everything. But thats another story. Seriously, even if she starts pulling her own weight when you lay out the baby rule, there is no guarantee that she will continue to do that. And then your kid(s) will end up spoiled because she will buy them anything and won't discipline them and they will turn out lazy like her.

Answer 6

then you will come home to a house full of baby plastic items everywhere, baby crying and she still won't cook or clean.

my parents never made me do anything either, but when i got married [only 19] i kept a very clean home and cooked every day.

3 babies by age 23 and all clean and on schedule.

this is who she is, she got that ring on her finger now she's all for herself.

do not bring a child into that mess.

Answer 7

Sounds like you married a brick wall. She has already told you that she is lazy. Divorce her or stick it out, I say.

Answer 8

Tell her point blank...as soon as she can prove she's an adult, you'll consider having a child. Tell her you already have one child to take care of.

Answer 9

You married a lazy slob. I would rethink this.

Answer 10

Hello.... What are you doing with her? Is she really that good in bed?

Answer 11

i think so also