I asked my husband for help with the kids, why was he such a jerk?

Question

I am a stay at home mom of 2 kids, 8 and 2yrs. My closest friend or family member is 300mi away. My husbands family does not live in the area either. I do not do anything without my extremely hyper 2yr old by myside. I love being with my kids more than anything. But sometimes I realize that I have NO social life and I feel like I deserve a little break. I do everything for the kids even when daddy's home and I feel like I could go crazy. A doctor told me last week I should check myself into a hospital just to get some rest and stress relief. My blood pressure was high, my pulse was through the roof. And I scream and cry all the time! Signs of a complete breakdown I was told! I would go to a hosp if I could afford it! So tonight I tell my husband I really need him to watch the kids sometime, and that I am stressed and I need help. His response was " Well if you're tired of all this and you don't want to watch them then move out. I will keep them and then you wont have to watch any kids." So it turned into a big argument and he went to sleep in his truck! We've had some problems in the past, but come on! I really don't know how to take this without just being enraged! Now he's talking about us divorcing and everything. What the hell happened?

Answer 1

Please, ignore that flamer that posted about being lazy, My guess is its just some 12 yr old boy bored over summer vacation. The person couldn't even bother to spell out most of his/her words. To me that just screams TRASH.



I'm sorry, I don't have a lot I can say to make you feel any better about your situation. I very much understand having no money and being home with kids, I only have one (2 yr old active boy) but I am care taking my brothers-in-law (13 yr old boy and 10 yr old special needs boy) and providing their home schooling all while caring for my mother-in-law (who had a stroke) I know all about wanting to scream and pull your hair out. If I find a way to handle the stress I will be more then happy to share but until then I'm just saying hang in there. Hopefully this will all blow over and soon and you can have a grown up conversation with him. Make sure to tell him that when he jumps to the conclusion divorce is the answer to all problems it makes you feel worthless. I can't answer for men but I don't know one woman that marries think they will one day divorce.



Just a suggestion. I did this once and it helped in many many ways. Forget about the balance on your checking account. Go get your hair done. Spend the 30-40 bucks and get a cut you love. Chat with the hair dresser and the person next to you. Feel free to explain you are throwing a tantrum and doing something for your self. When I did this, yes I overdrew the account, but *I* needed it and during the fight that it caused, I got so much out in the open about how I need time. I know its kind of an extreme, but for me it worked and was more then worth the overdraft charge. Now I budget for it monthly, it's my time.



One more thought, Let the house go to hell now and then. I do that from time to time (for like a week). when my husband gets pissed about it I just shrug my shoulders. "I'm sorry, I was busy." Don't explain and don't apologize.



You can get through this, and if done right you and he can come out the other end stronger. I'm not pretending I know what I'm taking about, but I do believe struggles and brake downs can make a marriage stronger.



Hugs.

Answer 2

Sounds like your husband doesn't communicate well. He is probably stressed to imagine BUT he should realize what your are going through. You didn't ask for a divorce but a break to relax. Everybody derserves a break or vacation from work and in the house all day long is big time work. He should be willing to watch the kids a couple of hours a day. It's bad to not have help and then it's double bad to deal with a spouse that is not meeting you half way. You have no nearby friends or family which makes it harder. I would search for nearby SAHMs. Google for your area. Other stay at home moms know what you are up against and you all could share time to talk and swap break times. BUT your husband and you do need some counseling since he talks down to you and have no feelings. The 2 year old will soon mature but a playmate would help to decrease time from you. Maybe you could take a nap while the childen is with this other staty-at-home mom. Could you send the kids to grandmother for a week or two? Have you talked with your parents or his? You shouldn't keep this from them, they could have ideas also. Do you attend church? The members or pastor could help or counsel you both. Be encouraged and get help asap.

Answer 3

Wow, his response was really over the top.



Sounds like there is a lot of stress in your household right now. I wouldn't try to ask what happened until he calmed down a bit. It's probably best that he's sleeping in the truck, otherwise you two might still be fighting.



You probably both need a break and a decent night's sleep.



Can you hire someone to come in and help once in a while? If you don't have a babysitter that you trust to leave your 2yo with, what about a mother's helper? You'd still be in the house but the mother's helper could be entertaining your kids.



Does he feel like he "only works and then comes home and just wants to relax"? My husband gets stressed if he doesn't have time to do yardwork (it's a destresser for him). Can you figure out a time when he can do whatever his hobby is uninterrupted? And then you can swap? Maybe every Sunday afternoon, you take turns being the primary caregiver?



Just suggestions. I understand how things can blow out of proportion when household stress is high. Good luck.

Answer 4

It sounds like your husband is using the word "divorce" as a crutch to avoid the real issue in your marriage...RESPECT AND COMMUNICATION. He sounds very selfish and if I were you, I would get some professional help and worry about him later. Your mental health is more important. If you don't get some help soon, you may end up doing something you will regret later on. Please take care of yourself first, then worry about your marriage. Your children will thank you for it. P.S. And being a stay at home mom with a screaming toddler and an 8 year old to care for 24/7 is enough to drive anyone crazy! Your human and so you need a break....like yesterday. Good luck and god bless.

Answer 5

He may not choose to alter his schedule for your convenience. Perhaps he doesn't choose to make things easier for you. You didn't mention that he was failing to pay you child support so I'll assume that he pays you a fair amount to deal with the inconvenience of full custody?? His definition of an emergency or problem at work may not be the same as yours? He may view your emergencies as an attempt to introduce chaos into his structured lifestyle. I doubt that he would choose to leave his children without a place to sleep in the event of a real crisis. Your ex might tell you that his marriage is the most important thing to him because he learned the price of a failed marriage from his experience with you. You should be happy that you were able to play such a role in teaching him that valuable lesson. I'd be willing to bet that you aren't completely aware of your ex husbands financial situation. Your points about jewelry and vacations come off sounding more like envy than logic. You have made a couple of conflicting statements about your ex husband. "my ex takes vacations with his wife and most of the time they don't take the kids" But then you say......"The kids don't really like his wife.........if my ex plans something and (the) kids tell him that they don't want to include his wife he cancels his plans and refuses to go anywhere without his wife." Could it be that you'd like to drive a wedge between your ex and his wife?? Could it be that you are angry that he has learned how to set limits and be a better husband? Could it be that you are angry that he treats her better than he treated you? And could it be that you're hiding behind children while making these kinds of attacks on his character? I don't think many of us are wondering why he isn't with you any more.

Answer 6

if you left him right now he wouldn't know what to do.i am also a sahm and my husband was the same way until i left him to care for our children alone for one day (2 kids at the time).since then he's been very understanding and now he keeps the kids at least one a week so that i can go out to the mall or where ever to get away.but before that i was in the same situation and i was always crying and stressed out it was even hurting our relationship.i felt like i was losing it. so try leaving him to care for the kids for a whole day alone in his case maybe two days he seems a little extreme.maybe you should check your self into the hospital then he'll have no choice but to look after the kids and after being alone with them for a few days I'm sure he'll have a new found respect for you and what you contribute to the relationship.

Answer 7

All people have different tolerance levels....dont listen to anyone who says you're just lazy! OMG! I can't believe someone saying that...of course it was someone who also works, which means she's dumping her kidsoff at day care while she socializes at work, no wonder she doesn't get it, It's tuff to be a stay home mom, especiallly when you don't get no help from no one. Kids can get on your nerves with their incessant needs. Can you find some play groups in your area? Find some friends that have kids of similar ages and trade off watching each others kids once in a while. And if your DH keeps acting like a jerk, seriously consider leaving him!

Answer 8

My husband and I are going through the same thing, except it's been two weeks, he's not speaking to me, and he's sleeping in the guest room. He doesn't return "i love you"s and he says "dont talk to me' every time i try to say anything...

If I could say anything to you, it would be do what I was unable to do. Just let it go. Women have an instinct to care for our children, and husbands have a way of feeling that if we're around, our children are cared for so they 'dont have to'... hopefully in the morning things will pan out and you two will work it out. Just try to distance the situation and when the time is right, remind him that you know he works really hard at his job, but so do you, and you could use some help sometimes, even if its just for a little alone time for yourself.

Answer 9

Sorry but he is taking you for granted. Take his advise and leave the kids with him for a few days just to see how he takes care of them. I would. If my husband told me that, I would make reservations for a motel somewhere and get some relaxation. I cannot stand a man or a woman to take there spouse for granted. Good Luck, if you don't want to do that but it would be funny sitting back and watching him try to care for those 2 kids.. then maybe you do need to separate. He is no good to you if he is not going to help you. You could have a stroke with the high blood pressure

Answer 10

Sorry to hear that... really he sounds like a jerk! Are there any chances that he is going through a meltdown too? Maybe having troubles at work or something like that? If he is not, then he is really selfish and driving you to madness.. he sounds more like an ex husband than a husband... if he is talking about divorce maybe go with him to counseling and see what they can do for you... in the meantime is there a way for you to hire a mom's helper, a nanny or involve your kids in some extra curricular activity so you have at least a couple of hours for yourself???

Answer 11

The man got issues if he isn't willing to care for his kids for at least an hour so that you can take a breather. It is his kids as well, besides bring home the bacon he should be responsible for caring them personally as well. It isn't your job alone, you didn't have them all by yourself. How can he be enraged after you suggested that you needed some help? Simple yes or no, instead he gives you crazy talk. Maybe he got other things in his mind, so that when you brought that up he blew up??? How stupid is it to divorce a spouse just because they asked for help in caring for the kids???

Answer 12

that's just horrible... why can some men be such jerks?! You don't deserve that at all. Let him sleep in his truck. He certainly does not belong in the house if he's gonna act like that. I'm having issues with my guy too and need advice so i wish i knew what to say, i just want to offer hugs and support and hope that things get better for you! Maybe you should go to your family's for a month or so where someone can help you with the kids.

Answer 13

Wow, sounds like your husband is taking you for granted. Id move out for a little while and see how he handles being alone. Don't divorce, just separate for a little bit. Go to counseling together. I hope you get some time for yourself.

Answer 14

maybe you could try some therapy? sounds like he could use some too... have you ever considered couples counseling?



and also, you deserve time to yourself... everyone does. maybe you could find a reputable babysitter or daycare so you can get out of the house once in a while...

Answer 15

Take him up on his offer and leave, let him take care of them, you do need a life and you don't have to be stuck in a helpless relationship!

Answer 16

u have only 2 kids and u re stressed? and they re not even that small! u re not normal. and u don't even work. what¨'s wrong with u woman? u re lazy like hell. i think he is justified to be angry at u and he is tired of your screaming. lots of women have more than 2 kids and they also have to go to work (me, for instance), but cos kids re mine and not my husband's i would never ever dare to ask him to watch them. i am still alive and very well and not screaming. u re just lazy and spoiled

Answer 17

ask your doctorr if he/she would talk to him or get closer to some family.drop the kids off every other weekend or what ever.

Answer 18

Men don't care about anyone but themselves

Answer 19

hes threatening you to shut you up. leave him he sounds like a prick.