Husband does not want to be a father...after 4 years...?

Question

Me and my husband have been married for four years. We also have a four year old son with behavioral issues, and my husband now decides he never wanted children , he doesn't want a child, and he hates kids, and it is either the kid goes or he goes ( please note that he is the biological father of our son).

He ( my husband sort of ) works 50+ hours a week, and due to the nature of his work, he does not get home until late; sometimes even in the a.m ( and no he is not having an affair, as he has documented proof of him working these hours that he gave to me upon my request ).

Naturally, our four year old try s his very best to stay awake and wait for his father to come home, which messes up his sleeping schedule a great deal, and he is hyper / excited to see his father.( like most children right? ) Ironically, he used to be a "daddy's boy" which makes it all more difficult for me to stomach.

I understand our son has behavioral issues such as wasting food sometimes ( asking for a sand which, taking two bites and saying he is done ), along with being extremely fussy about things...like whining for hours on end if you do not fix his blanket just so and the blanket isn't the only thing he fusses about..he is a very whiny child..however, I thought this was typical behavior from a four year old...

To the point at hand, he now wants a divorce if I do not find another home for our son ( having him live with relatives , adoption , etc...) but I refuse to do this, as he is my son, and what kind of mother would do this? I chose my son over my marrige hands down.

My husband did however give me one alternative, and that was parenting classes perhaps.

What makes matters worse is that if we do have to get a divorce, I am a home maker and own NOTHING . He would be throwing us out on our rears with NOTHING... I wouldn't even know were to begin.

I would like opinions and things on this, as I am very lost. Should I try the alternative and see if we can work it out ? As he does hope that by taking parenting classes he will know how to better deal with our son.
Or
Should I start filing the paper work now? If so, where would I even begin , and what should I do? I have no money at all, and no income as a housewife.

Answer 1

You say your son has "behavioral issues," but you don't mention any, because asking for food impulsively, and whining, do not qualify for a four year old. If anyone has "behavioral issues," it's your husband. Any father who would issue such an ultimatum about his own child is in serious need of psychological help!

Answer 2

What country are you in? In the US you get half (or more) of everything in divorce settlement unless you signed a very bad pre-nup agreement...



Also what is your debt level as a household? Is there a reason he is working 50 hrs a week other than he's a compulsive worker or he is avoiding the family? If you are in debt over your head, sell the house and live a smaller affordable lifestyle. The three of you will be much happier in the long run.



Here is what needs to be done:



1. Have the child medically examined to see if he is normal or if he has definable symptoms of a disorder. You and your husband seem too screwy to be making offhand evaluations on your own. You may just have a normal boy who has experienced bad parenting and a dysfunctional home life.



2. Parenting classes are a good start, definitely do them. You both sound like you have gone too long without them. Your husband's theatrics may be his way of saying that you have both failed terribly at parenting and he is forcing the issue to stop the train wreck from going any further.



3. Counseling for both of you sounds like it is essential, both as a couple and individually. If your husband reveals why he hates his life (to himself and others) things will improve for you all. You may find your husband has issues that he is hiding from you that are aggravated by the marriage and the child.



4. After counseling has been tried and if things do not improve then seek the advise of a lawyer to amicably divorce. Your boy will benefit by resolving the dysfunctional home life he has been submerged in. You and your husband should agree on the division of the estate and the percentage of his pay that will be child support and alimony before you file for divorce. Separate on good terms. Both of you have lifelong responsibilities from the choices you made to have a child. If you both are prepared to accept those responsibilities it doesn't mean that you have to stay together, or that you don't have a right to seek happiness.



5. Be prepared for your son to be gay. While the verdict is still out on the nurture/nature argument, there is no denying that the classic scenario of a distant disapproving father and a smothering mother is a recognized commonality of many many gay men. I don't say this jokingly. I say it so that you have a chance to sort your feelings on the issue before it comes to light. I would hope that you will encourage and support your son regardless of his orientation.



Good luck.

Answer 3

What you should do is take your son and get him evaluated by your doctor and than file for SSI so that you will have an income and than you can at least have something coming in for you and your child. Than you call your DSS office and get you a case work and tell them what is going on and tell them you need a voucher for child care so that you can go and find you some work bank all of your money so when the day come you will have something to fall back on. Than when you do leave you get you some food stamp and other things that your state has to offer until you get up on your feet they even give you housing look into these things so that when the time comes you and your child will not end up on the streets. Good luck

Answer 4

That is absolutely horrible that he is like that. He has a child that adores him and he can't see what a blessing that is. Being in a marriage and being a parent take work and this is what the vow he took when he married included. Honestly more important than parenting classes is that he goes to marital therapy. If you live in the States you are entitled to alimony and child support. If he does not clean up his act and honor his responsibility as a parent you are left with no choice but to move on. Because honestly he is not either a real parent or husband now (I'm sincerely sorry that this is the truth). You are entitled to a man who respects and loves both you and your child.

Answer 5

Your situation really touched me and I really empathise with you. It is hard when you have a son and your husband does not feel that strong bond of parenthood as you feel. That is hard as a woman to deal with. However, I know your husband is overworked and it is stressful on him as well. He did give an alternative on taking parenting classes, which I think is a great idea. Your husband probably should not have given that idea as an alternative to divorce, yet, from experience my husband says some of the most horrible emotionally abusive things to me when he is frustrated beyond belief. I tend to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and see where it is coming from, but we have gone to counselling to deal with us communicating our frustrations better with one another. It has gotten better since our son has been sleeping better, but for one year and more, he did not sleep. He got fussy at night and it would not stop. We wanted to have two children. However, we had agreed that our son is a great kid but we need to recuperate before having another. It was more than we had originally bargained for in the beginning.



Your husband may be speaking out of frustration, but he must love his son and it must be hard for him as the "Man of the house" or "breadwinner". I would suggest marriage counselling for the both of you along with parenting classes to deal with this.



As in regards to divorce....I personally, especially when children are involved believe that you never give up without a fair fight. Divorce should be the last option possible. If the love is still there, it is a communication problem and stress and other influences, you need to work on that with each other.



I am sorry you have to go through this. As frustrating and whinny as your child may be, you love him more than anything in this world, that is just what it means to be a mother, you carried him for 9 months and your love for him existed before you knew what he looked like. I believe you are a good mother and you will do what is best for your son.



Good luck.

I wish I could also tell you the easiest answer, but when it comes to love and marriage and children there is none. Marriage takes work and so do children and hopefully the love you have for both will be the motivator to do that work.

Answer 6

And what about the parenting classes. He may view the childs behaviour a product of unknowledgable parenting on your part, (we are all new parents, we all learn as we go, and we ALL make many mistakes, that spoil our children, make them babies longer, and cause issues with our own children ok. ) So anyone can learn alot of good information on sucessful parenting. You may view that dinner on the table, the home is clean, his laundry is done, the child is fed and clean, the entire job, when thats the "expected minimal" things that a wife and mother does. You didnt say your age or his.

Many men get the idea when they see a friends child who is passive, quiet, well mannored, as a reason theres something wrong with thiers.

You stating your child wastes food, is a big clue, you might be pretty clueless on the normalalties ofa child ok. So let me get this, you never snack right? Take a bite of left overs, grab a few chips, ever? I find that hard to believe hun.

No matter what happens do yourself and your child a favor, take classes, discuss with your Dr what you feel is inappropriate behaviour and ask him to observe your child for you ok. Get a good book on brain development of children, and see what are the levels of understanding that a child of yours age is, you might be expecting the perfect child, that hes not, NO child is, and never compare your child to someone elses.

Since your home all day with the child, the child is your best friend, right? He needs a mom, not a best friend. Parenting is a JOB, its work, its a blessing ok. Find out techniques to improve things that could be improved, take care of your marriage, by listening to your husband, it might be, its over, and no matter what you do or did wouldnt fix it ok.

Many marriages fail, either due to being too young when married, or, drugs/alcohol, immaturity of one or both people, or simply not grasping what marriage is meant for, finding that one person that you can hang with for eternity, and sometimes we think we found them, they get pregnant, and you both think well this makes the committment, and it doesnt.

Take care of you, you deserve to be happy hun, you will be happier if you learn about yourself, parenting, and let the chips fall where they willl. Get a job, yep, u had it easy, those days are gone, you need to work, your child needs exposure to the outside world to grow further and dont walk out the door, he cant make you, he can walk away if he feels its that bad. DONT say that to him. You and your son live there, and thats that, and until a court order tells you your homeless and penniless, stay put, a court will never do that to you and the child. Keep quiet, get classes, get a job, even if all the money goes to a sitter, he may feel you take advantage and dont appriciate his working, and many men cant voice how they feel, so they hide from it, and mask their frustration in other ways.

Hes trying to give you a strong message by saying take parenting classes, and he has a right to feel that the child is getting the best you can offer him. YES he too needs classes, on kids and you both need them on relationships. Good luck, better yourself, and take care ok.

Answer 7

I suggest you speak to a divorce lawyer. 99% of lawyers offer free consultations. Your entitled to 1/2 of your husbands income as he is the one that wants a divorce for reasons you can not control i.e ur not cheating on him... Its called alimony. No woman should ever have to chose between her marriage and her child, and if she did, she should always choose her child. It IS normal 4 year old behavior. And may I say your husband is also acting like a 4 year old. Legally, if you were to get divorced, he would have to move o ut, not you, and HE would have to financially support you and your son (including child support) to be able to keep up with the same lifestyle you have been living. Speak to a divorce attorney for further information. They'll be able to tell you more about your options.

Answer 8

I forget our anniversary every year. It's really not that big a deal. I try to plan ahead to at least have a card ready but our anniversary is Dec. 23rd and it's a hectic time of year so we just reschedule for a quieter time. Like you, we don't do much - cards only. Don't be upset, it's really not such a big deal. We've been married 10 years and haven't once had the opportunity to celebrate our anniversary. Do NOT make your husband feel like sh*t. Have you no respect for your marriage or him as a person? The day's not over yet for one thing and to go ballistic over this is to ask for trouble where there is none. You're getting yourself all worked up over "I think" he forgot. Leave out the petty wtf or making him feel bad. You're not in the schoolyard. You're two adults who are married. You communicate and discuss, you don't belittle.

Answer 9

First, start saving money in an account in your son's name with you as the custodian.



Then you work on your son's behavioral issues. He wants a sandwich - make a half. If he doesn't eat it - save it for later and give it to him again. Eventually, he will get hungry and eat all. You need to give him 3 meals and a snack. If he is asking for food in between offer a fruit, glass of water (no soda - makes them hungry, hyper, etc).

Then reward him for good behavior only. Watch SuperNanny show - model it.

If your husband sees a change in his son - he will learn to accept him.

About the parenting classes - go - can't hurt and if it puts him off all the better.

Don't file anything now. Just save $$.

Answer 10

I think he is trying to tell you that you baby your son and you need parenting classes. It sounds like he is at his wits end with trying to explain to you that you cannot give your son every single thing he wants every minute of the day. You are turning your son into a p*ssy and he can't stand it.



It is extremely simple to make him 1/2 sandwich and then make him sit at the table until he is hungry enough to eat it. Or not, if you spoil him and let him get up without finishing his food.



If I am wrong, I apologize, and I would suggest parenting classes for all 3 of you so everyone has the same rule book and everyone plays by the rules.



I haven't given up on you two just yet. . .I'd go out TODAY and get at least one parenting book. Show your husband you are willing to do what it takes but he must do his part, too . . .

Answer 11

Try the parenting classes, but be prepared for divorce. Your husband sounds like he's just done with being married and raising a kid. You may need to simply accept this and move on.

Answer 12

Man, this is breaking my heart. I can't imagine giving up my son. Your obligation is to your children. Get some help and divorce this man. You need to find a way to support yourself. Get some training. I suggest the medical field. Lots of jobs there. Good luck and I hope God blesses you and gives you strength.

Answer 13

wow your husband is a complete a**,you are doing a great job with your child and i feel bad for your son,i dont think it matters how many parenting classes your man takes he doesn't have any decent values but its worth a try,but i would also have the papers and a lawyer ready to go because you do have rights in this matter.

Answer 14

omg.. why are you even with this man? well you should talk to a lawyer and see what kind of income you would get from him if you got divorced, before that you should try the parenting classes even though I don't think that will be enough for that husband of yours.. good job on being a good mom, be strong!

Answer 15

If the behavioural disorders of your four year old son are not clinical then there is every possibility of him rebounding to normal behavioural pattern commensurating his age without much damaged done to his personality traits. But, if they be of clinical in origin then it might take some time to correct his flaws. In that case your son might need medication and Psychotherapy simultaneously.



But, from your text I get the impression that your son's issues are of not clinical in origin, rather they are psybhological in origin.





Your son must have developed these behavioural disorders due to his love hunger and confusions, to put the entire issue in a simplified manner. He confused about the parental relationships. For him his mom and his dad are the two most important and significant people in his life. Every single child comes to this earth expecting love. It is genetic coded in us. So is your son. But, when the child doesnt receive the expected love he/she gets into utter confusions. He is not sure why he is not getting the expected love. And, he starts worrying about his own emotional securities. At that moment he will engage in many unnatural activities to draw attention+ to get love, etc, which are later diagnosed as personality flaws/ behavioural disorders. It is very important to understand why the child is behaving the way it is behaving. It is very important to understand what are the expectations of your child from both his parents. It is also equally very important to know how to respond and also how not to respond to each of his behaviours. If you can restructure your responses to suit his emotional cravings he will stop throwing tantrums (for example).





Have you ever wondered why he eagerly waits for his father all night awake even when he knows that all he will get is abuses from his father?

1. It is the age for him to want father's love. This is preprogrammed in each of us.

2. He wants to be sure that he has a father (and who HAD returned to the family that night). This works as a security for him and also as a reassurance.

3. He knows his father will not love him,and he starts finding love even in his father's anger. (this is also a major reason why abused spouses continues to love and stay with their abusive spouses).

4. etc...



Your husband is wrong in ill treating his son. The 4 year son doesnt know the meaning of jobs/ works/ late hours/ job tiredness/ etc. All that he knows is-- "I have a father, who is a very significant person in my life, and I need to love him, and he also must love me".



This dialogue is preprogrammed in us before our birth. But, when a child finds his/her parents behaving cmtrary to the "love expectations" he/she gets confused. He/she doesnt know anymore how to behave. He/she doesnt know why the parents are angry instead of being loving. And, in that confusions he/she starts behaving in a manner which in psychological terms we call personality disorders.



But, your husband is right when he said about the parenting classes. Both of you need to understand your son. And, hence both of you will need to attend to such classes. If time is the constraint then you both will need to find time. Your son is a priority.



Moreover, removing your son away from your family will be wrong. It will have adverse effect on your son. He needs more love from both of you.



Hats off to your decision when you said if need be you will choose your son over your husband. No wonder that moms are made of different moulds. Mom is a Goddess on earth.



Best wishes.

Answer 16

Family counseling. Please try it.

Your husband is overwhelmed, but if he bails on you and his son he will regret it for the rest of his life. Talk to a professional who can give you advice on how to cope with your child, and how to support each other through the process.

Good luck.

Answer 17

We read you side of the story--mostly lies. It would be nice to know the truth.

Answer 18

divorce him and find another baby daddy :)