A Complicated Situation: Online Friendship, Divorce, Dating?

Question

I met him gaming online 3yrs ago, we were instant friends and soon became inseparable (when online) as well as everyone's favorite duo. There was always an unspoken attraction between us because we got along famously and worked so well together as a team, not to mention EVERYONE we met wanted to see us together, but we both resolved to remain platonic to keep from risking such a wonderful friendship. Besides he was seeing someone in real life, and honestly we didn't REALLY know each other, no matter how much we would chat, talk on the phone or webcam. We had never met in real life, so we can’t truly know how someone else is... right?

We quickly got to be very close friends out of character. I had no qualms about talking about my personal life but he was a bit guarded at first; told me a few things about his troubled relationship with his girlfriend and about his wonderful 1yr old son. It wasn’t long before I was coaxing details. I tried to help him see things from his girl’s perspective so he could better understand her to troubleshoot and resolve their problems without a split, for their son’s sake. Eventually he felt guilty and wanted me to know the ‘real him’. “I haven’t been honest with you. It’s weird because I’ve never even met you but you’ve been a better friend than anyone I know in real life and well…” he started, “Let me guess,” I interjected, “You’re ten years older than you say you are, you’re married and have 3 children not one.” A stunned silence followed, “Damn you know me too well,” he says, “11yrs older, married and 2 children.” At this point in time I already knew I was in love with him, BUT because I loved him I knew where I stood and steeled myself to respecting and protecting his 10yr marriage.

Eventually I got with someone else and married him. I will honestly admit that I knew I was settling, I was certain the man I was marrying would be a good husband. Though I loved the man at the end of the aisle, all I could think about was the friend I had ‘never met’. I simply kept shoving those feelings deeper, telling myself he was a married man, and I was now a married woman.

My marriage was not what I had expected; the man I thought would make a great husband was abusive, often turned to alcohol instead of me for comfort and pleasure, shut me out emotionally, shunned me spiritually, and spent money like water. My online friend also continued to have similar problems within his own marriage, his wife ironically a near replica of my husband. Needless to say, we were able to counsel each other very well, sharing what worked and what didn’t, befriended each other spouses and trouble-shoot with them as well, praying together for our spouses, our marriages and each other. And of course, outside of our counseling sessions we now all still enjoyed each killing pixilated monsters together online.

I couldn’t take it anymore and made the decision to leave my husband. In my opinion I had already wasted enough time as it was, and tried every venue to reach my husband. I didn’t want to end up trying for 12yrs like my friend online to no avail, on top of everything have children to complicate things more. Mere months later, my online friend’s marriage suddenly took a turn for the worst as well. To an outsider it doesn’t look like the coincidence that it was, but this is where we are.

Both of us are separated now; 4 months myself, and 1.5 months for him. We have both made it blatantly clear to our spouses ‘it’s really over’ and are in the process of filing for divorces at different intervals and through different situations and means. Suddenly dating is an option, and our rapidly deepening feelings are no longer quite so secret between us. Since we have been so close for so long, the topic was broached in a discussion. We are both eager to actually meet for the very first time, but we want to do this right. We have considered the situation from many angles, and vantage points.

Answer 1

Wow that was long but I did read the whole novel. Interesting though.



1. You have answered this question yourself. He misled you about his age, marital status and number of kids. Pretty basic info there. But I would guess that's not uncommon online and sounds like that was early on in your "friendship" so maybe he saw no harm in it, not knowing at the time that you would become so "close". Yes, I feel there is more to learn that you can only learn in person. Online it is easy to put your best foot forward and even easier to hide the bad. But that's not to say that if you start dating in real life that it would be anything you or he couldn't accept.



2. In my opinion it would be "wrong" to start dating before both of your divorces are final. Some ppl see nothing wrong with dating once you're separated and the divorce is process but considering you two have been "friends" during your marriages I would say wait until both are done.



3. I don't really understand your friends' points here. Has YOUR past taken pieces of YOUR heart so HE will "miss out on life"? I don't even know what they mean. Will HE miss out on something b/c you are younger? Don't get it. Tons of ppl are successful in relationships despite an age gap and there are tons of blended families. Not that it might not create some issues but that's really secondary I think.



4. Yes.



My advice would be to take things slowly when you do decide to meet and date. Get to know him really well in PERSON, give plenty of time and opportunities to show his true colors if they are different from what you *think* you know about him. Let's face it, everything he has told you about his marriage could be a total lie. He might not even be divorcing his wife, you really have no way to know at this point. Once you meet in person these things will be easier to determine, when you visit each other's homes, etc.



If everything you say is accurate I don't think you've really done anything wrong here. If either or both of you had been in happy marriages you probably would have fizzled out online. I would proceed, but proceed with caution, esp since he has children who are probably going to be sensitive to a new woman in their dad's life. Oh and get ready for both your spouses to accuse you two of seeing each other all along and that being the real reason for the respective divorces.

Answer 2

Yeah, it sounds like you're very unsure yourself of the situation.

Well number one first of all. He didn't disclose all information at the beginning, I would actually like to meet his people for real so you can see for yourself that the marriage is truly over and that he isn't spinning you a yarn to get you to date him. If he can with hold such information about his age and marriage etc then he can certainty do the same about pretending its over as well.

I would wait until you see the whole situation for real before attempting to date him.

I wouldn't worry that much about the age thing as I personally don't think that 10 years makes a huge difference when its the man who is older.

I would also be sceptical about the online thing, I mean what if you're together and you run into problems, is he going to turn to someone else on the net for comfort?

I almost feel like I would like to meet someone offline as I think when I meet someone on the net that I'm not the only one that they're chatting to and will the same happen to us.

Another thing, your relationship with him is easy at the moment and always has been, you can log off if hes annoying you, you can plan what to say to each other. You don't really know what hes like at all. You are seeing him in his best light and have no idea what hes really like day to day as an individual or how he reacts when he encounters problems etc.



Its almost like an interview with the two of you selling yourselves to each other idealistically when really you need to experience day to day life with each other to really know if you're compatible. It takes more than gaming and a few shared jokes and similar problems to get a feel for each other.



I say meet him for real, meet his family and see for yourself what the real situation is, if he won't allow this then he is still hiding stuff. I'm not saying go to his wife but his immediate family place would be good and speaking openly to them about his marriage ending.



The baggage thing is the least of your problems at the moment, nobody knows how they will unravel yet.

Answer 3

I think that the worst surprise for you will come when you marry him. How could he chat with you when he is married. Ok. Let's say that you met his family and he met yours online. I know that they did not know the REAL kind of relationship that both of you had. He will cheat with you as well. Do not be fooled by this. Also too if he was really looking for a friend in you, then why did he lie to you in the beginning about his age? So he cheated on his wife for three years with you, and you also allowed him as well. Well what goes around comes around. I do not think that you should marry him at all. He had been married to this lady for 10 years and he disrespected her by keeping a friendship with you. Also too he decieved her alot by letting her know you without telling her the real relationship that he had with you. How would you feel if you met one of your husband's so called friend from online then you found out later that they were online emotional lovers? First of all, I think that it is interesting that you did not state what his age was or yours. You just said that he is 10 years older than you. Also as well, you have a habit of chosing men that are abusive to you. For example, I have my bachelor's degree in psychology. In psych, we say that people do not chose their mate by accident. I feel that if you look at the other men that you have dated in the past, I am sure that you have dated jerks. You married an alcoholic. Ok, this could be a mistake, but then you are thinking about marrying a man who cheated on his wife for three years. And He lied to you several times. I can not imagine the other nonsense lies that you have not found out yet from this guy who is suppose to be a friend to you. Anyway, if you think that you are right then get some advice from your parents, or someone who is a lot older than you. I gauranteed that no one will agree with you, unless they are high or silly thinking people themselves. I really feel bad for you, and I want you to have the best. Especially after you have been hurt from your marriage. Good luck. Also too you should not date anyone until you can correct the problem you have with chosing all bad men. Really good luck. I hope that one day you will not think of all of us when we said to you, that "I TOLD YOU SO."

Answer 4

We go online because we are past the age of hitting the bar on the weekend. We work full time and tend to our children in the evenings. Meeting other singles is more difficult. Online dating allows you to be very clear about your expectations and what a potential mate can expect from you. Of course, you still have to meet them in person and go through the regular dating process, but you can do a lot of screening online. For what it's worth, the majority of couples I know who are on their second marriages met online. Every single one of these marriages is happy and healthy.

Answer 5

PLEASEEEEEEEEE go and meet him, it will most likely be the best thing for you right now in your life. It happened for me, and it can happen for you. It will be worth every single night you spent online with him, once you meet him in person. Best of luck on your journey of love. :)

Answer 6

You have waited all these years and tried to do what is right. Wait to date when you are an UNmarried person.

Answer 7

DAM online games. I hope you know that him discussing his marriage problems with you was cheating.

Answer 8

You are seriously in fantasyland. It's not a question of immorality. It's a question of nonsense.