Standing up for myself, husband hates it, and now won't talk to me?

Question

My husband is 27 and acts like he is 18. He used to drink A LOT...and decreased that a LITTLE bit after he got arrested for public intoxication and spent a night in jail on Christmas, yes christmas. He is in the Navy and deployed, and he thought it would be ok to invite a girl co-worker to come hang out in the hotel room with him and a couple guys. He knows I do not think something like that is ok, and he thinks the same of the situation flipped. Well, that was a couple weeks ago, and I just can't let it go. He never admitted he was wrong and made me feel bad for being upset by it. He does this all the time. This year after having our son (9 months old), he never helped, and rarely likes to play with him. My son and I didn't get any gifts from him for Christmas, valentines day, birthday or anything. He has also spent over 400 dollars on alcohol, and 500 dollars on hotels in 2 port stops while deployed, but tells me to try and save money! So, after being fed up with the way I am being treated (disrespected in many ways) I decided to let him know how I was feeling. Normally he'd get upset with me and I would submit and say I'm sorry, but this time I am standing my ground. He doesn't like it, and won't even e-mail me. What is wrong with this situation...I know I am right to stand up for what I believe, because I have let things slide for more than 2 years, but why is his heart so much like a solid rock??

Now he is not e-mailing us at all..it's been 3 days since we have heard from him. Yes, he is deployed on a ship, but that's not normal for him. Grrr...

Answer 1

You are right to address these issues with him. This is not a healthy relationship. I suggest you get counseling. If he refuses, then you get counseling to help you make some difficult decisions. Good luck!

Answer 2

He take you for grant, don't respect you and don't care you, but you let it happened. At the beginning you are too kind too nice, now he get used to mistreat you and don't think it is wrong. From an outsider, he treat you like he don't care and don't love you anymore. You have to be strong, stand on yourself, ask him if he still love you, if he did, don't mistreat you. Whenever he mistreat you, you yell back. Whenever he treat you right, treat him super nice. That will train him treat you better. If he can't be train, you have to leave, even you have no financial support. The life you are in is sure unhappy life, you sure don't want unhappy for the rest of your life, right? Why you love him? Did he have a good personality that attract you? Or his look? Or you just get used to be with him and treat him as close family? I don't see anything in him deserve to be loved, but maybe you treat him as your family, so you just don't want to give up on your family easily. Just like a good mom have a bad son. He is too controlling and too proud of himself, he won't listen to anyone, so counseling is no good here. Found another one, you will know there are a lot nice guy out there, then you will regret stay and suffer with him.

Answer 3

Stand your ground. Don't email him. There could be many reasons for this behavior. 1. He's just stressed and can't handle the arguing. 2. He's hanging out with single crew members and getting envious. 3. He wasn't ready for fatherhood and is panicking. 4. He's up to no good with female crew mate and doesn't want to admit it. Just start preparing yourself for any way the wind blows. I took more than most could take from my old man and I stopped taking it, he didn't take it well, screwed around, almost lost me and the kids, and had the "Oh crap, I'm a schmuck" epiphany. He tries very hard now but it's gonna be a looooooonnnng time before I ever feel anything about him like I did before. You gotta decide what you're willing to take, if you're willing to work it out, or if you are willing to raise that boy on your own. Do right by you and your son.

Answer 4

Well, I doubt that this behavior is new or just started. I have a feeling he's always been like this, immature, drinking a lot and treating you like trash. And yet you married him anyway. Did you think he would change? It is unfortunate that you had a child with this guy. Perhaps you thought that that would help 'fix' things too, but of course it only made it worse. So we see quite a bit of irresponsible behavior and bad judgment on both sides. But apparently, you've either grown up, which I commend you for, or have simply gotten tired of his abuse, which is not surprising.



So, you have two choices. Either accept that you screwed up and live with the consequences or your choices and bad judgment or accept that you screwed up, perhaps have grown up, and find yourself a real man.



@Eric: No he doesn't. He's in the Navy. His life is a cruise.

Answer 5

He's in the military and deployed. He faces the possibility of combat and death every day. Yet you want to complain that when he was home he didn't want to "help" with doing more tasks? Guess what, that was his vacation time. Same goes on the alcohol + hotels honestly, trying to stay marginally sane when deployed is a rough task.



Not sending any gifts does suck though, but if he's stuck on a ship at sea, exactly where is he supposed to go shopping?

Answer 6

He is testing your strength. My husband stone walls me too after an argument and it drives me crazy. Now I am making efforts to ignore him too and go on with my life keeping busy. This is childish behaviour and I frankly am fed up with it. I am tired of waiting around until he sees fit to speak to me. I do not know your circumstances but from what you wrote it does sound as if your husband has a drinking problem. It is never easy to communication with someone who has his head in the bottle most of the time. Your husband needs to re-learn boundaries on marriage and bringing a girl to a hotel room to party with his friends is not a boundary he should have crossed. His forgetting you & the kids on special occasions is something most men do. They just do not see these dates as special like the way we women do. You can maybe talk to him and let him know how you feel but it sounds as if you already have. The bottom line is your husbands drinking problem. You say it has gotten better, but this does not mean the problem went away. You need to see what it is you are willing to tolerate and what you won't tolerate and your actions need to speak for you. Your husband has stopped listening to you so now you need to take action and show him how serious you are. Sometimes it takes something drastic to get ones attention. Good luck to you and I do hope it all works out for you.

Answer 7

Don't contact him - just wait until he e-mails you, if he cares about you and your child he will communicate first. I am in a situation that's kinda alike, I've been in LDR for some time now and my husband didn't contact me for 3 days now... So I know exactly how you feel. Seems like he needs to grow up. Is he going to be in the Navy for much longer? Probably he's influenced a lot by his fellow navy men. Respect yourself!!! Don't let him not e-mailing you get to you!



@Eric: I don't think that being in the Navy is an excuse to treat your wife badly!!!

Answer 8

Let him be mad! You found your voice and you are using it - good for you! Hopefully he'll pull it together and get back to you soon. In the meantime - don't stress about it (what he's doing is a tactic to see if you be begging him to contact you...) and live your day-to-day life doing what you normally do.



My husband and I had to set some things straight about 3 weeks ago and he's barely spoken with me since...however, last night - he decided to break the silence and talk about what went down. He admitted his wrongdoings and made his apology and now we move forward...I didn't spend my 3 weeks worrying about it - it was his right to act like a jerk and then stew about it.

Answer 9

He's incredibly selfish and immature.

I think you are being used for the additional funds to live off base.

It's apparent he doesn't care about you or your child.



I hope you've made a back up plan for yourself and your baby.

You can't depend on your husband for anything.

Answer 10

stand up girl and so what if he is on a ship that was he's choice to work there have a wife and child. He should be more responsible with you and the baby.



Feel for you!!!!!!!

Answer 11

Stand up for yourself, he'll break eventually